Morons of the Internet: Bustle

This is the segment where I scour my favourite forums around the Internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words of my favourite human beings.

In this edition we have another one of those pathetic pieces of propaganda aimed at deluded feminists. This video manages to pull off the neat trick of dictating how women should look whilst simultaneously criticising others who dictate how women should look. Seriously just watch these walruses pander to morons, it's embarrassing.

1. Why are you working on your bikini body when the sun arrives? If you had actually done some serious exercise in your life, which by the looks of it you haven't, then you would know that it takes a lot of fucking time to look like a healthy and fit human being; time that you evidently don't have. Just doing one sit up when summer starts is going to do fuck all. But then what would these fat bitches know? They obviously prioritise whinging on the Internet over a healthy human body. Real inspirational stuff ladies.

2. "Start a gruelling workout routine and manipulate your natural shape." I hate to break it to you but the shape of a blue whale isn't healthy for the human body, even if you do claim it's natural. Why would you even encourage people to not keep themselves healthy? How shitty and irresponsible is that. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's good, as I'm sure that woman with one leg would tell you. Malaria is also a natural condition, so are you saying that we should stop treating Malaria victims because that's manipulating the natural human condition?

3. "Unobtainable and oppressive idea of perfection." No a healthy body is perfectly attainable, hence why you're talking about it now. Sure you may not have a perfect body, but why is that an excuse to start badmouthing the aspirational women who do want a perfect bikini body? Also, how the fuck are bikini bodies oppressive? I never thought I would see the day when working out was seen as oppressive, but once again feminists you have to take your level of shit one step further than every other shitlord. Nobody is fucking forcing you to have a perfect body. I thought feminists were supposed to be for empowering women as a whole, not pandering like impetulant children at the expense of others.

4. "That's not how exercise works." Why the fuck would I take exercising tips off of you? Maybe I would take them off a personal trainer, who are famed for all being grotesquely obese. If you did know about exercise then there would at least be some telling signs, and the fact that most of you are clinically obese tells me very clearly not to trust this bullshit. Christ knows how heavy you were before you became self declared experts on exercise. I suppose they say the Moon is getting further away from Earth, so maybe it was the gravitational pull from your excessive flab keeping it in orbit.

5. "No one else gets to tell you what your body looks like." Apart from the women in this video apparently, who are doing exactly that now. You could trust these women over medical experts, but if I was you when a medical professional tells you to loose some weight then I would fucking listen fatso, because they might actually knows something about what they're talking about.

6. "Your body needs food to provide energy." That's correct, it does. However your body suffers when you consume more energy than you burn off. That's basic biology, not oppression. You can claim your point is scientifically accurate all you want, but let's put your fact into context.

7. You make this pathetic video and yet you still wonder why women have been subjected to inequality for hundreds of years. Just look at yourselves. Fuck me, maybe Shariah law is the way forward.

8. How the fuck will reading get you into a healthy physical state? Maybe now I understand how you land whales got to be that size if you think that reading is an acceptable form of exercise.

9. "Your brain is a beautiful part of the body." I would disagree with that. Intelligence and personality can certainly be beautiful traits in a human, but I never see people being turned on by the mush leaking out of a man's skull after a horrific accident. There's a reason why Stephen Hawking doesn't get on many front covers in beauty magazines.

10. "Casually reflecting the male gaze." Somehow love I doubt many men are going to be staring at you for too long. I know you arrogant and ignorant bitches like to become the centre of attention, but men are not going to be taking much interest if you look as grotesque as you do, except maybe wondering why there's a beached whale on the shore.

11. "Maybe every body is a bikini body." Yeah okay, maybe. However on what grounds does that mean you should encourage people to be spitting images of walruses? I absolutely believe that women should be encouraged to love their natural figure. Obesity however is not your natural figure, and incredibly damaging to your health. It's funny how there weren't any petite body types in this video, just overweight ones. I think it's becoming very clear who this video is targeting, and in all honesty the attitude of these impetulant feminists is just spiteful.

12. "Aspirational tropes of beauty are BS." No they're not, it's called sexual selection. More attractive individuals are more likely to pass on their genes, leading to traits that indicate a high fitness of an individual becoming selected for in a population. Being fat is a sign on unhealthiness, where as having an impressive figure is a sign of strong genes. I don't know how I feel about this stupid point, as the less chance these women have to reproduce the better.

Overall this video is a fucking joke. These women have the audacity to speak to the audience in such a condescending tone when in reality their message is both irresponsible and harmful. To be patronising people into believing that they're going to be happy no matter what their body shape is an incredibly naive attitude to have, especially when women's happiness is rapidly declining. Stop demonising people who are attracted to healthy people. Stop bullying those who take time to make sure they look attractive to the general population. They should be allowed to be proud about how they look because they've taken the time and effort to make a difference, not making videos whinging about how healthy people are all that's wrong with society. Obesity is quite literally a huge issue. Here in Britain it puts an enormous strain on healthcare, with estimates claiming it causes 2.3 billion pounds worth of damage each year. Globally humanity is currently in an obesity crisis that is spiralling out of control, killing 2.8 million people each year. That's a huge figure, and one that's greater than the number of deaths caused by conflicts. So before you let these harmful women dictate what you find attractive, actually think about the harmful effects this attitude has on humanity.

Morons of the Internet: Shaun King

This is the segment where I scour my favourite forums around the Internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words of my favourite human beings.

In this edition we have a response from a 'Black Lives Matter' activist to the recent Orlando shootings. It's amazing how one article manages to be so inherently racist from a man who preaches against racism, but then as we're about to see this man is as deluded as they get.
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http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/king-stop-mass-shootings-banning-white-men-article-1.2678026
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Now don't get me wrong I love a bit of tongue in cheek humour, especially when it's the source material is based on controversial topics like the recent Orlando shootings. However I do draw the line when someone blatantly ignores the facts and creates flat out ignorant scenarios in order to push their own biased ideologies. Here we have an example from Shaun King where the facts are so horribly misplaced it's quite infuriating to see. I find it incredibly hypocritical that an article explicitly in reference to the recent Orlando shooting completely fails to acknowledge that the motive behind this tragedy was a man influenced by the Muslim religion. I know there are millions of respectable Muslims practising their religion peacefully worldwide, but what's undeniable is that their religion was used to fuel one of the worst tragedies in recent memory. Apparently according to Shaun King banning that way of thinking wouldn't work, but a more logical idea is banning the majority of the victims in the club from the country because of their skin colour. King would of course still allow the actual shooter to preside in the USA, because he's not an idiot, and keeping that man in the country would have certainly stopped this and future tragedies from occurring. Flawless logic there mate, flawless logic. All this crap from Shaun King, who despite being part of the 'Black Lives Matter' movement is allegedly a white man himself, so really according to King himself his culture is part of the problem. These sorts of moronic attempts to push your on agenda are why your tweets rattled people. They haven't been outsmarted like you ignorantly claim, but instead they are looking for rational ways to stop atrocities like the one in Orlando from happening again, and calling you out on this bullshit isn't a bad start.

So let's call Shaun King's bluff. Say you did ban white people from America. That wouldn't have stopped mass shootings in Orlando, Fort Hood, Washington, Washington Naval Yard, UCLA, Chattanooga, Oregon, San Bernadino, and Virginia Tech. There's a proven history that mass shootings have multiracial perpetrators, so why bring this moronic solution up? You have provided zero evidence that there is a culture in the white community that finds mass shootings acceptable, so the fact that you're now taking the moral high ground out of this pathetic and idiotic stunt just proves how warped your mindset is from reality. If you had actually bothered to look at the statistics you would find that 64% of mass shootings are committed by white people, which is significantly less than the 77.7% of white people in the USA. In reality white people are underrepresented in mass shootings, which cannot be said for the black demographic and violent crime. Surely if you were trying to make a satirical yet factual point about gun violence then why didn't you suggest banning the black population? Even if we did ban all white people to stop mass shootings the USA would still have a similar number of people being killed by firearms each year even if we just included the black population of Chicago. It's at this point you really have to start to ask yourself who the racist one really is here.

I have absolutely no idea why people would be calling you a racist or a bigot when you write such factually stimulating articles like this one. Can you honestly blame the white demographic for getting angry over this when they aren't believers of a religion that I've seen push gay people off of towers and burn people alive in cages. There are constantly horrifying stories coming out about this oppression based on religion, that King doesn't even mention is this article. Why is King blatantly ignoring the fucking news were ISIS militants and jihadists are providing a real threat for many national securities, including Paris on two occasions, Brussels, London, and of course the events of 9/11. That's why Muslims are being put at the forefront of these issues, but instead of acknowledging that way of thinking King just plays the 'racism card', because of course everything in his mind is to do with racism if it's directed at white people.

Oh I'm sorry it was my understanding that this article is trying to prove that generalising based on religion and skin colour is wrong, so why the hell is that exactly how this article is concluded? You say bigots always need a target. Well it looks like you found yours, which is a funny change of tune from this article. At least most bigots have consistency in their hatred. You on the other hand come from a school of thought that essentially blames white people for mass shootings, so really it's arguable whether your original tweet was satire or not, and actually just a ploy for your clearly racist mindset. You just keep finding things to blame for this shooting based on your feelings alone, which is essentially what you're campaigning against here. What absolute nonsense. Maybe before you start demonising a whole culture you should look what crap you're writing first, and actually consider the perspective of the opposition who you just assume value guns over public safety. But hey, at least this guy isn't a monumental hypocrite. This hypocrisy is not the worst thing about this article though, it's instead dancing on the graves of the dead in Orlando to promote King's own political bias, which really is a disgusting and self centred attitude to have on such a serious issue.

Top 10 Celebrity Scandals

Surely you would imagine the world of celebrities is full of glitz and glamour, giving you a reason to admire their idealistic lifestyles. The reality is however that this idea couldn't be further from the truth, and life in the public eye is often one that's far more fucked up than conventional society. Here is a list of the most infamous moments where the controversial lives of celebrities got outed to the public.

#10 Woody Allen Marries Soon-Yi Previn (1992)

The very talented Woody Allen, whose been involved in such legendary films as 'Manhatten', was at one time in an infamous relationship with Mia Farrow, who was in reality more of a soul mate, and the two actually lived in separate houses across either side of Central Park. Well that relationship was going nicely until Farrow found naked pictures of their 21 year old adopted daughter in the possession of Allen, which is a bit fucked up when you think about it. To be fair to Allen he wasn't her legal stepfather, but it's still an event more creepy than the plot of most Woody Allen films.

Amazingly the drama proved to be the beginning of a long term relationship with Soon-Yi Previn moving in with Allen in 1992, subsequently marrying Allen with the two still being happily married to this day. The couple even have two adopted daughters, which I wouldn't say was a smart strategy if I was Soon Yi as she's been down this road before. Allegedly Allen even sexually abused his other children, one of whom was seven years told when the alleged attack took place. However Allen has never been found guilty and the story lacks any incriminating weight, so as far as we know he's only been really creepy with one of his adopted children.

#9 George Michael and Public Toilets (1998)

Hard to imagine there was a time when people debated the sexuality of 'Wham!' frontman George Michael. That debate sort of stopped when he was caught having anonymous sex with another man in the public toilets of Will Rogers Memorial Park in California. The story goes that some poor undercover cop had to follow George Michael into a restroom where he asked Michael to produce the goods. After producing the goods Michael was fined eight hundred dollars and forced to do 80 hours of community service. According to Michael he still cruises around for casual sex, or 'cottaging' as the homosexual community like to call it, so he still hasn't learnt about common decency. George Michael has since claimed that this was an intentional stunt so he could come out to the world, because apparently saying 'I'm gay' is much harder than secretly having sex in public. Still, I'm sure he could of done all this business in public toilets without producing that awful song in the process.


#8 Tiger Woods' Infidelity (2009)

This is the story of the now infamous downfall of the man who was probably the greatest golfer of all time, and one of sport's highest paid athletes. Tiger Woods still holds the record of being world number one at golf for 545 weeks, which is just over ten years, but now his career is overshadowed by events in his personal life. Woods' credentials were almost untouchable, well that was until late 2009 when a published story claimed he had cheated on his then wife with nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel, with Woods later wrecking his car after a domestic incident and retiring from golf for the rest of the 2009. Then suddenly in came voicemail messages of the alleged couple, with many other women claiming to have also slept with Woods. Surprisingly his unfaithfulness in marriage didn't do a lot of favours for his career. Woods took an extended leave from the sport, his wife unsurprisingly divorced from him in early 2010, and many of his extensive sponsorship deals were subsequently removed from the public eye with immediate effect. The public perceptions of the man took a very negative turn, with some sources claiming he cost shareholders between 5 and 12 billion pounds. So yeah, both a humiliating and costly mistake from a very talented athlete.


#7 Bill Cosby Sexual Assault Allegations (2015)

Another huge fall from grace, only this time the charges were far more serious and affected somebody who was once one of the most beloved comics in America. This scandal is fucking huge news considering it encompasses over 50 women claimed to have been sexually assaulted since the mid 1960's. The incidents vary in nature from 1965 to 2008 but usually revolve around drug facilitated sexual assault, with even some claims that he sexually abused minors. Cosby still denies the accusations and refuses to talk about them, but the facts are that he still has eight lawsuits filed against him and his lawyers, with a criminal charge still impending. The effects of these serious allegations have obviously destroyed this man's career, and his magnum opus 'The Cosby Show' has been pulled from syndication on many networks. I honestly don't know what was going on in the mind of this once beloved man, but it probably gives a new meaning to the phrase 'kids say the darnedest things'.


#6 Roman Polanski Sexual Abuse Allegations (1977)

'The Pianist', 'Rosemary's Baby', 'Chinatown', and surviving the holocaust. It says a lot about the things a man has done in his personal life when these achievements are marred in comparison to his private ventures. For some reason Roman Polanski thought it would be acceptable to sexually abuse and drug a THIRTEEN year old girl named Samatha Gailey. Polanski admitted to having sex with the girl and was actually charged with 'unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor' and ordered to undergo 90 days of psychiatric evaluation and serve a jail time of 42 days. But what did Polanski do right before the final court verdict? He fled to France where he was a citizen and so protected from extradition. What a crafty asshole. To this day Polanski still has impending charges in the USA, and although arrested in 2009 still hasn't been extradited to the USA. This event is certainly a black mark on the film industry, that still to this day celebrates the work of a convicted paedophile.


#5 Lance Armstrong Doping Allegations (2013)

Lance Armstrong was an amazing athlete in his time, albeit one that we now know was a fraud. In his career he won the Tour De France, the grandest stage of cycling, on seven consecutive occasions, all whilst fighting testicular cancer. It all sounded too good to be true, and the subsequent confessions of the past few years proved it was. It had been previously claimed many times that Armstrong had been given performance enhancing drugs from a number of doctors throughout his career, but the truth finally came out when a USADA investigation tested blood samples from his 2009 and 2010 seasons. In light of this investigation Armstrong suddenly came clean in an Oprah Winfrey interview of all places, which started a huge shitstorm that saw the man lose 75 million dollars worth of sponsorships in a single day. The scale of this simple confession was incredible. It was a huge scandal for the whole sport of cycling, with whole teams being involved in the large scale doping of many athletes. Many suspensions have been given in the sport in response to this scandal, with whole chapters in the sport's history being wiped clean. Since the scandal annulled virtually every achievement in Armstrong's cycling career he's now no longer seen as one of the all time best, and many of his victories now have no official winner thanks to the level of doping throughout the sport at that time. How can a sports star generate anymore controversy than this?


#4 OJ Simpson Murder Trial (1995)

This is how a sports star can create more controversy than Lance Armstrong. The O.J Simpson debacle started in response to the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, who were found butchered outside O.J's apartment. Simpson was acquitted of their murders against all odds, although he was later found liable of their wrongful deaths two years later and ordered to pay 33 and a half million dollars. The original was a huge media shitstorm, and the final verdict was live on television, as was the footage of Simpson evading the police in a lengthy and rather slow paced car chase which made the man an international hit, even interrupting coverage of the ongoing NBA finals. The event gained such traction that 100 million people watched the trial verdict live in which 'The Juice' somehow got loose.

This scandal remains incredibly controversial to this day, with allegations of racism commonly brought into the picture. The murder in question is still unsolved, and accounts vary depending on which source you believe. The Goldman family certainly believes they know who did it, and even bought the rights to O.J's book, titled 'If I Did It', then reducing the word 'if' to the smallest possible size to make him look as guilty as possible, which you have to admit is fantastic marketing. Karma may have been a playing part in Simpson's current prison stint for kidnapping and robbery in Las Vegas, in which he is serving a total of thirty three years behind bars. Turns out O.J is a man that can't keep himself out of controversy.


#3 Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky (1998)

Because Bill Clinton likes to behave like Bill Clinton he's seen some good scandals in his time as president. As president at the time he thought it acceptable to get some action in the White House, despite already having a wife named Hilary. The 52 year old started an affair with the 22 year old intern Monica Lewinsky, who probably couldn't believe her luck when given the opportunity to ruin a president's marriage. Clinton famously exclaimed live on television that this was all bollocks, but the randy bastard that Clinton is was found to be lying when a subsequent investigation found the allegations to be true. The scandal not surprisingly was international news, and Clinton was subsequently put on trial and lost his licence to practise law for five years. Even after all this it's amazing that Bill isn't even the most hated member of his family. But then people might have actually wanted him to become president.


#2 Michael Jackson Sexual Abuse Allegations (1993/2005)

The list of weird things Michael Jackson has done is a long one, but this was the scandal that tops them all. The original case for Michael Jackson being a paedophile was in response to a boy named Jordan Chandler, who in 1993 claimed that Jackson sexually abused him, even going as far as to accurately describe Jackson's penis to the courtroom. This was widely believed to simply be extortion on the part of Chandler's family, and eventually the family got their desired 22 million dollars from Jackson, and that looked to be the end of the allegations surrounding Jackson's sexuality. However when police later raided Jackson's house they found photos of young children who weren't wearing clothes, once again fuelling more allegations around Jackson's private life.

The allegations once again resurfaced ten years later after Martin Bashir's intimate documentary filmed Jackson discussing sleeping arrangements with a young boy. Jackson claimed the sleepovers he was discussing with the young boy were not sexual in nature, and yet again Jackson was acquitted of all charges. You may be wondering why if he's repeatedly acquitted that the media still question Jackson's sexuality, and that may be due to the fact that over the years it's claimed that Jackson has payed over 200 million dollars to over 20 of his victims who he abused as children. The motive commonly held from families is extortion from these trials, so for now these are still very much baseless allegations, although to say Jackson has had a controversial private life would be the understatement of the century.

#1 Jimmy Savile Sexual Abuse Allegations (2012)

Well if you were hoping for some light hearted celebrity dirt to round off this list then prepare to be shocked. Just by looking at that man you get the sense that there's always going to be something dodgy about him, and investigations in previous years have proved those fears alarmingly true. The thing with Savile was that his private life was littered with vile stories, with more and more being uncovered every year. Not surprisingly there were often rumours about his sexual desires when he was alive, even being banned from promoting Children in Need due to his 'strange' and 'suspicious' behaviour. In response to these rumours the BBC launched an investigation immediately after his death, finding anecdotal evidence that the rumours were true, but then chose to cover up their investigation by pulling the plug on a revealing broadcast. An ITV documentary eventually pulled the plug on this sexual abuse scandal and soon a huge flood of victims claimed to have been abused by Savile. The total now stands at allegedly 300 victims, with sixteen being under the age of consent; four of those under the age of ten. A deserved fall from grace from a man we now know to have committed some vile and heinous crimes.