#10 The Bounty (1986) (8/10)
'The Bounty' is a film set in the flashbacks of William Bligh, who is played by the quite brilliant Anthony Hopkins. It retells the story of what is the most famous mutiny in history, that took place on the HMS Bounty near Tahiti, which is famous for being nowhere near anything remotely interesting. The film stays very loyal to the original plot, it doesn't try anything radical, and in the end we get a storyline that centers on breadfruit, which isn't the most gripping of topics, and so credit to director Roger Donaldson for remaining loyal to the history books. However on the whole it is a very entertaining film, my main gripe would be Mel Gibson's performance, which is bland to say the least, especially when compared to the brilliance of Hopkins, who although not at his best still puts in a cracking performance.
Hopkins' believable captain really sums up the film for me. It's good, but nothing spectacular, and I can't help but feel the minimal dialogue given to such triple-A actors is a missed opportunity. But for a relatively low budget I can't really complain, it never feels like a cheap film and the inexperience of director Roger Donaldson never shows, it does feel like a polished film even if it is lacking in some areas, such as the ending, which leaves plenty of loose ends. It actually feels a bit lazy if I'm honest, which is a little disappointing considering how well thought through the rest of the plot was. It's still an intricate film, and I would recommend a viewing, but at the end of the day it's a film about breadfruit.
#9 The Goonies (1985) (6/10)
'The Goonies' tells the story of a bunch of kids who are attempting to save their homes from demolition, and in turn discover a treasure map created by legendary pirate 'One Eyed Willie'. This film is classic Spielberg really, it's his usual take on kids entertainment that we have seen repeated many times over the past few decades. It's fun, it's stupid, but at the end of the day it's very shallow, and this film doesn't have a legendary status to fall back on. Look at it as a low budget version of Jurassic Park, at least that's how it feels to me.
I guess the sheer ridiculousness of it all appeals to the target audience, which in this case are young children, and at the end of the day the film just tells the story of just some stereotypical kids on a pirate based adventure. But for an intellectual character like me it just feels obscure, I can't really relate to it and so the wide range of characters just seem annoying. This film plays out a bit like Indiana Jones, just nowhere near as good.
#8 Hook (1991) (5/10)
This films serves as a sequel to the original animated film, which was brilliant. In this one Captain Hook gets his revenge on Peter Pan by kidnapping his children, which is a ridiculous plot but also debunks the theory circulating the internet that Peter Pan actually murders children, and 'Netherland' represents heaven. But because that fact has an accompanying picture people believe it, and don't actually bother researching it. The other thing this film is noted for is an appearance from Robin Williams, who in recent times has become everybody's favorite actor. Unfortunately that view isn't shared by me, as it's quite clear that Williams is outshined by everybody else in this film by an absolute mile, his version of Peter Pan is actually quite insulting for a fan of the original animated film, so thanks for ruining my childhood Robin.
Dustin Hoffman on the other hand is in fine form with his portrayal as legendary villain Captain Hook, and ends up carrying this pirate fantasy adventure, a burden not shared by the rest of the cast. In the end it does fail at being a successful sequel, not helped by the 'Peter Pan is now a lawyer' plot that just makes no sense to me. It feels like a commercial ripoff every step of the way, and the dull landscapes and mundane script only emphasize what a terrible sequel this is. Nearly all the magic of the original has been thrown away and we now get this new dull, and quite tacky rendition of Peter Pan. It can be summed up by the sword fighting sequences that where a joy to watch in the original, but now become endless jousts of mediocrity. There is some magic still left in this film, but it's buried under a lot of unnecessary crap.
#7 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) (7/10)
I'm sorry, but I really like this. Nobody else seemed to, but I genuinely think this is a very good film. It's the fourth installment in the long running 'Pirates of the Caribbean' franchise that's always guaranteed a box office hit. The only real difference in this one is that we now have Penelope Cruz replacing the symbol of mediocrity that is Keira Knightly, who was always the eye candy before, but this is a move my penis was quick to praise. The story behind this one is that returning pirate Johnny Depp is searching for the legendary Fountain of Youth, a story that makes no sense to me, especially when you involve notorious pirate Blackbeard, who was born 150 years after the fountains were allegedly 'discovered' by Juan Ponce De Leon in 1513. I know this plot isn't meant to be realistic, but there is no logic in reviving a historic figure, only to involve them in a canonically flawed plot.
Yes it may have been a step too far. I do also agree that the series is being milked for every single penny it's worth, but for me this is a film of genuine quality. It relies on more action orientated scenes, which work well with the fast paced plot. At least a lot better than the previous two films in this franchise, but still not losing that comedy element that has become synonymous with this series. Sure it's not going to blow anyone away in sheer amazement, something that it maybe should do with that hefty budget, but the hate for it is misguided. It's just an exciting and well executed pirate flick, so stop moaning.
#6 The Princess Bride (1987) (7/10)
From an internationally loathed film to an internet favorite, in terms of cult classics this is something of a deity. It's told from the perspective of a old man who is reading his grandson a fairytale whilst also shoving Werther's Original down his throat and other things that the child wasn't allowed to tell mummy. But to be fair it is a pretty awesome book, mainly because of Andre the Giant! Who thankfully is a better actor than he is a wrestler, but still fucking epic as usual. The story presents a pleasant romance, nothing too stomach churning, but the viewer gets a very positive reflection of what love really is, at least a much better version than in any romantic comedy, and this is from a fucking fairytale. Although that says more about the quality of crappy romantic comedies than anything else.
There are the various comedic elements in it, something that nearly all pirate films have for some reason. I've never really viewed them as cheery fellows, but they are according to the film industry, even though they kidnap and murder people in this film. That's what I never understood about this film, one minute it's deadly serious and the next it seems to be almost parodying itself. It doesn't necessarily ruin the film, but for me that just doesn't fit the genre, it's a little bit unnecessary. Probably why I put it so low on the list, it's just not a very good swashbuckling adventure like the others further down this list.
#5 The Black Swan (1942) (7/10)
This was the film based on the life stories of notorious pirate and legendary rum salesman Henry Morgan. He's played by Zorro, or Tyrone Power as he's more commonly known, and to be honest he tackles the role very well, making a very convincing pirate captain. Like any good historical film this one never wanders too far from the truth, and Captain Morgan is the very man that may appear in a history textbook with an added love affair to spice things up. As for the story, well it's just good guy versus bad buy really, but to distract the viewer from the mundane plot is some amazing visuals that seem barely believable to have been born from 1942. But overall this is just a solid pirate film that gets its message across very effectively.
#4 The Buccaneer (1958) (6/10)
Another classic, in fact this might be the original swashbuckling adventure. This was the first time that Hollywood told history to fuck off out of pirate movies, which does lead to a very exhilarating story at the cost of any sort of message or motif. It's meant to tell the story of the Battle of New Orleans that happened in 1812, although you could be forgiven for mistaking it for any other conflict as its idea of storytelling is a few action sequences that are linked together in a very tedious way. It does however have Charlton Heston in it, which is always a bonus, although unfortunately he wasn't stranded in a parallel universe.
The thing I hate about this film is that it takes the lives of people who are effectively scoundrels and then presents them as some sort of heroes. We have seen that from a growing number of films now, but not to this extent where history is turned upside down in order to try and give this film some message, something that I hate in films. It's a bit like that horrendous film 'The Patriot', although this one does have some redeeming merits such as brilliant action sequences and a solid, if shallow and inaccurate storyline. But as for swashbuckling adventures, it's right up there.
#3 Peter Pan (1953) (8/10)
A personal childhood favorite of mine, produced at a time when Disney where still making deep and meaningful storylines with a large tablespoon of magic thrown on top. It's just such a wonderful story, everything about it is just fantastic. Everything from the vast range of characters to the amazing spectacle that is Neverland. Captain Hook will always go down as one of my favorite villains of all time, and to me he will always personify the classic pantomime villain, eccentric yet menacing, and something that the sequel managed to completely forget about. Where as this is fun, it's cute, but it's never once cheesy.
It's just such a captivating film, the fast paced and action packed animations are masterfully done and compliment the script in every way possible. There are some questionable areas, the negative portrayal of the Native American culture would be the biggest issue, although those where the popular opinions of the time and so criticizing them would be irrelevant, those opinions were prevalent at the time and their not going to suddenly disappear, in fact if anything it creates an accurate picture of 1950's culture that mirrors the rest of the brilliant storyline. I can't say much more really, it's just a classic pirate film and it might well be the best fairytale of all time.
#2 Treasure Island (1950) (8/10)
This is the iconic film based on the legendary novel of the same name by Robert Luis Stevenson. It tells the story of Long John Silver, who is joined by a young lad on the trail of buried treasure left by legendary pirate Captain Flint. There have been many films over the years, but none compare to the first time that Disney used live action in a film, which happened to be this one, although in retrospect that turned out to be a bad idea. Long John Silver is the star here, just as he is in the novel. Robert Newton steals the show with his charismatic portrayal of a legendary leader, and becomes the pirate in question, it just feels so genuine, and it makes the film that much better. It was no surprise that he would become the model for Hollywood pirates, and although many have come close, not one has ever emulated the brilliance in Newton's performance.
There are some dark themes throughout this family film, and Long John does have the look of a pedophile at some points, it's actually rather disturbing watching him endlessly groom the helpless boy, and although this was 1950 it still looks a bit suspicious. If that where to happen now there would be millions of complaints from people who have the misguided thought that their opinions matter, but Long John didn't work for the BBC in the 1970's so we'll let him off. Once you get past the dark undertones it becomes a very enjoyable film, the scenes are action packed and the plot moves at a very nice pace, and it actually sticks to the novel, aside from a few diversions. The biggest of these is the ending that unfortunately ruins the film a bit for being very shit, which really is a shame, but apart from that it's a great film.
#1 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) (9/10)
I don't think there can be many complaints with this decision, in terms of quality it is by far the best, and also helped rekindle this classic genre. Over the years this franchise has had both its high and low points, and although always a box office success it was this one for me that really stood out. It may not have had the best upbringing, being inspired by a theme park ride isn't exactly spectacular, but when it all comes together the product is excellent. Now I will admit that I'm not a big fan of Johnny Depp, but his performance with Geoffrey Rush in this film was brilliant. Captain Jack Sparrow is usually the sort of character that I hate, but under Depp he transforms into something else, he really is quite awesome. This brilliance is not shared by breathing ironing board, Keira Knightly, and glorified Diet Coke salesman Orlando Bloom, who add absolutely nothing to the plot apart from a few clunky lines and tedious scenes.
The plot could do with some work in a few places, but overall it tells a gripping story of some haunted sailors, with a few fight scenes in between, although they're nothing to write home about. It's also quite a lengthy film, with a run time of around 135 minutes, and it does feel like that time at various points. When the action dies down the frail in places plot does become a bit boring, and watching people fight each other for no reason doesn't exactly help. But I must be honest, for a completely fictional story it does seem very realistic, I would almost forgive you for thinking that it was based on a true story, and I almost wish it was. It's just such a good film, it will make you laugh, it will frighten you, but it will never annoy you, and whilst it doesn't quite have everything, it does have the content of a great film. Amazing to think that this was 11 years ago, or maybe that's just me getting old.
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