Blender's 50 Worst Songs of All Time: Part 2 (40-31)

Part 1: http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/blenders-50-worst-songs-of-all-time.html

#40 Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up (1991)

"These Oklahoma R&B smoothies looked like rejects from a Benetton ad and sounded like flunkies from the Keith Sweat School of Horny Jamz. This is one long string of fake falsetto moans — there’s more heat in an Herbal Essences commercial — and the imagery ranges from perplexing (“We can do it till we both wake up”) to downright unpleasant (“Makin’ love until we drown”). Not recommended for the bedroom, unless your bedroom also features leopard-print picture frames, mirrored ceilings and a five-gallon tub of Astroglide from Costco."

Ah the 90's were a terrible decade for pop music, this probably sums it up perfectly. Annoying wailing, check. Bland and generic beat, check. Pointless and ridiculous subject, check, this song has it all, unfortunately it doesn't do any of that well. Well done Blender, a song that definitely deserves to be on this list.

#39 Ricky Martin - She Bangs (2000)

"The arrangers of Ricky Martin’s follow-up to “La Vida Loca” worked with the fevered desperation of men who had been driven to the desert and made to dig their own graves at gunpoint: first with the hooting 180-piece horn section, then the percussion played by a crateful of ADD-afflicted chimpanzees, and — finally, in a last-ditch effort at the fade — a male chorus as numerous and frenzied as the Red Army Choir let loose in a Cuban whorehouse. The ingredients of its epic predecessor are all here — but it’s all wrong, and worse still, unintentionally hilarious."

Oh Ricky Martin, definitely a person who falls into the category of 'so bad he's actually quite good'. I certainly wouldn't put this on a worst song list, don't get me wrong it's definitely very bad, but it can't help but put a smile on your face, even Blender admits that and so I'm a little confused to why it actually makes their list, there's definitely a lot worse out there.

#38 Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)

"Novelty European techno is not a genre noted for its multitude of artistic high points, but “Cotton Eye Joe” may well be its nadir. A Country & Western record made by people who evidently hate C&W music with every fiber of their being, it layers a thumping beat with every hillbilly cliché known to man — twanging Jew’s harp, people shouting “yee-haw!”, bluegrass banjo, horses neighing — and then tops it off with a vocalist singing in what may be the most risible American accent ever committed to tape."

This song is the anthem of my childhood, no primary school disco was complete without this cracker. The ability to do-si-do with your fellow peers never gets old, and is always the highlight of the evening, hell even now I will still happily do it with no regrets. The whole point of this tune was that it was a fusion of country and eurodisco genres that come together to form what is essentially pure brilliance. A light hearted masterpiece, which is strange as Blender don't seemed to have cottoned (ha) on to the idea that this isn't serious. At no point throughout the whole song did I ever think that this is an accurate representation of life in rural America and therefore it must be realistic and have meaning. It's just good fun, you can't knock a song for that.

#37 Gerardo - Rico Suave (1991) 

"Long before Ricky Martin lived la vida loca, another fleet-footed, sexually ambiguous Latino star crossed over to pop-chart glory by turning an otherwise forgettable dance-pop tune into a ubiquitous and dreaded catchphrase. In the verses, this Don Juan in a bandanna boasted about his insatiable libido over a cheesy Casiotone beat, but it’s the chorus that really sticks in our cabeza: Reeeeeeeco. Suuaaaaaave. No es bueno."

No you're definitely not suave, just a bit of a bellend. This song is absolutely dreadful, there is no getting away from it. The beat is generic and has a really annoying Latino flavor to it, that annoyance being the pointless castanets, and as Blender quite correctly points out the terrible chorus that just highlights how much of an annoying and pretentious twat this greaser is.

#36 Master P - Make Em Say Uhh! (1998)

"A lot of ideas occur to people in the shower, but the hook for this Dirty South smash sounds as though someone thought it up on the toilet during a strenuous bowel movement: Master P and a small army of cronies groan “Unnngghhh” no fewer than 25 (!) times here. Rapping, P mumbles, falls behind an already wooden beat and is generally trounced by the phenomenally speedy Mystikal, who tries to pump some crunk back into the sinking ship with an eleventh-hour guest verse."

Oh god I hate young angry rappers, especially this one. Definitely the elephant in the room is the horrendous chorus, which sounds like a walrus being shot. Why would I want to make them say 'uhh'? It sounds horrible and would make me want to punch them in the face. The rest, well it's just the same old sad story that we get with the rest of annoying rap music that unfortunately makes its way into pop culture. Just why?

#35 REM - Shiny Happy People (1991)

"It’s difficult to imagine the circumstances that led R.E.M. — intelligent, literate, subtle even when rocking out — to record this. Not only is “Shiny Happy People” an annoying song, but you also get the distinct sense that it’s going out of its way to annoy you. What other explanation is there for its riff — which sounds like a cellphone ring tone chosen by a sociopath — or its lyrics, which resemble something you would force children to learn as a punishment, or the backing vocals of B-52 Kate Pierson, which defy rational description?"

Oh and Blender were doing so well, a string of justifiable songs but then this, a good song. I will certainly admit that it isn't one of REM's best, and as a great band they really have a collection of terrific songs. Nevertheless this is certainly a song that doesn't deserve to be on this list. The theme of this song is actually sarcastic, the title comes from a Chinese propaganda poster from the Tienanmen Square Protests which is certainly a significant historical event. Unfortunately nobody really got that from the song, the lyrics don't particularly give much away and so the theme is lost on this song and so it eventually became a mockery of itself. The song certainly isn't annoying, if anything it does have a killer riff that unfortunately doesn't last throughout the whole song. Never did I get the impression that it's ringtone quality, especially for sociopaths who are widely renowned for having different ringtones to everyone else, that's how the police catch them. It's just simple and very effective. 

#34 Dan Fogelberg - Longer (1979)

"Having trouble placing this song? Imagine you’re in a dentist’s chair with a 10-inch steel drill about to bore into your molars when this Muzak classic pipes in through the office speakers. The singer sounds like he could be your patchouli-scented sixth-grade history teacher, whispering politely about being in love with you longer than there have been fish in the ocean, higher than any bird ever flew. Then the violins kick in. Then you pray for the sweet, sweet relief of the drill."

Certainly not a masterpiece, not even a good song really, but what it is, if anything, is a sweet ballad that although is very cheesy is nowhere near as bad as Blender are making it out to be. The themes presented throughout the song are very weak and the metaphors presented are tedious at best, but that is overshadowed by the fact that their really isn't anything inherently wrong. Overall the song is dull, but that certainly doesn't give it a place on this list.

#33 Aqua - Barbie Girl (1997)

"Brilliant idea: Take a child’s toy, turn it into a twisted sexual fantasy (“Kiss me here, touch me there”), set it to teeth-rotting synth-pop like a robot pony kicking children to death and hawk it like Happy Meals to the under-13s. Perhaps the gambit sounded acceptable in helium-huffing singer Lene Nystrøm’s native Norwegian, but in English it’s just plain wrong. Barbie manufacturer Mattel sued, but that didn’t stop “Barbie Girl” from casting a blight on 1997. One question sprang to mind if you were unlucky enough to catch the video: Weren’t they a little old to be doing this?"

Why isn't this higher on the list? I want to remind you of where this finishes when we get onto some of our later entries. I mean Aqua where always known for their grade A piles of shite, but this was on a different level. Repetitive and annoying, this was just the epitome of crap. The thing can only get topped off by the ridiculous love story that is presented when pro douchebag and slightly rapey Ken comes round to listen to Barbie's weird sexual fantasies, despite the fact that she's made of plastic. I'm sure these sorts of themes are well understood in the Barbie community, many of the target market who are aged between about 3 and 10 are well aware of sexual acts of a slightly rapey nature. Why the hell was this ever made? And why the hell is it this low on the list?  

#32 Will Smith - Will 2K (1999)

"In 1999, the incoming millennium sent most rappers into doomsday mode, but not Will Smith. He was writing a celebration jam so wildly dorky it makes your local bar mitzvah DJ look like a member of the Strokes. Having jumped from ’hood to Hollywood, Smith can’t make the return trip: His overearnest, G-rated rhymes about fun bob along to an unlikely “Rock the Casbah” sample — you can practically see Joe Strummer wondering if he came to the right party and inching toward the exit."

Oh what better way to celebrate a millennium than rapping with this clown. I'm sorry but I just don't get the appeal of Will Smith, he's been in quite a few lackluster films and has no rapping ability whatsoever. His family are also just as bad, there must be something seriously wrong with his sperm to produce two talentless individuals who just feed off their father's success. This song just sums up Will's ability in a nutshell, it's lazy, pointless and just horrible from start to finish. It's annoying, artificial bullshit from a very annoying person.

#31 Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm (1994)

"You know that jerk at your office who can burp the alphabet? That’s the way Brad Roberts sings. On this 1994 single, his voice is a ludicrously bassy croak as he narrates supposed “slice-of-life” stories that land with a dull thud: A car hits one kid and turns his hair white; another’s covered in birthmarks; the last has genuflecting, churchgoing parents. Sure, white hair’s weird and evangelicals are weirder, but why are you telling us this? Moreover, why do you insist on humming the chorus? You sound like E.T. crossed with Barry White, dude!"

What a pathetic excuse for a song, some annoying humming. That's really all their is to the song, the whimsical verses fall incredibly flat which unfortunately just leaves us with the chorus, which is shit. I will never understand why Mr Roberts decides to try this, his voice definitely doesn't suit the song and as a result it sounds terrible. A fitting way to end what has been a decent outing for Blender, they still have been utter morons though.