Worst War Movies
I have already covered my ten favorite war films, and so now it is time for the worst. It should be pointed out that some of the films on this list aren't necessarily bad films, they just fail in general at being war movies.
#10 Iron Eagle (1986) (4/10)
We start off with a fictional story based on the 1981 Sidra incident, and I think based is the key word there as it's quite clear that nobody gave a single shit about the actual facts during the whole production. The attention to detail in this film is simply pathetic, I cannot believe that throughout the whole filming process nobody bothered to mention the flawed plot and the fact that they were using the wrong planes. It's quite hard to be an F16 pilot when you're given Mirages, which are French. There are many other fatal flaws to this film, namely that a teenage boy is allowed to fly a 14.6 million dollar fighter jet without a G Suit, they may loose a few points for realism there.
Of course I would expect the lack of care to be rectified with fast paced and gripping action sequences, again we don't get this, we get a few generic and mundane dogfights that are pretty much identical to the last one, and couple this with the dreadful and unbelievable dialogue and you have the recipe for one very bad film.
#9 The Annihilators (1985) (2/10)
This isn't necessarily a flawed plot, just an incredibly bad one. The film takes place on the urban streets of America when some veterans return from fighting in Vietnam to find their streets in chaos due to gang violence. They of course take it upon themselves to cleanse the problem in no way at all similar to 'The A Team', of which this film ludicrously rips off. I don't honestly think this film would be so bad if it wasn't for how it compares with the genuine product. The A Team are witty and awesome, where as these guys are just annoying and lack any sort of charisma, they have no personalities and any lines they do speak are delivered poorly and have no impact on the film.
It hovers over the category of 'so bad it's funny' but never quite makes it, meaning we end up with a really terrible film, the fun and games just try and overshadow the fact that absolutely nothing happens throughout the whole thing. It just feels like a B movie, but leaves no impression on the viewer throughout its entirety.
#8 Green Zone (2010) (6/10)
This is our first real blockbuster and it comes all the way from Baghdad in 2003, in what was known as The Green Zone. This is certainly not a bad film to watch, there are some parts where it actually becomes quite enjoyable, but what this fails at most is being a war film. Every possible moment seems to be filled with loud and pointless explosions which definitely look great, however they have absolutely no meaning and create an artificial interpretation of war. This reliance on explosions is shown by the poor character development, Matt Damon just ends up being another soldier and I really couldn't care less about him.
The other thing that annoys me is the overly political script and plot. There is just so much politics crammed into every scene that in the end it just becomes a hindrance. The film essentially glorifies war to aspiring teenagers and teaches viewers that America is great in a very loud and annoying manner, in what is the bottom rung of the ladder in terms of creativity. To some extent this film is a lot like Call of Duty.
#7 The Green Berets (1968) (2/10)
Oh don't you just love propaganda, but it never really gets mentioned when America do it, funny that. I mean I criticized our last entry for being political, but it has nothing on this. The film is set in Vietnam during the Tet Offensive, and that is the only bit of historical accuracy in the entire movie, unfortunately though that isn't really significant as it could've been set anywhere and it would be practically an identical film. This must come as an insult to the veterans of the Vietnam War who fought with their lives in the name of their own country and now have to watch an inaccurate and manipulated version of the actual events. This film doesn't show the horrors of war, it glorifies it.
What annoys me most is even after you get over the political nature of it, the rest is just as bad. There really isn't any pacing throughout the film, it just stages a few one sided battles between the forces of good and the forces of evil, obviously with the good guys winning against all the odds, and that makes for a really boring and predictable film. I have to say that there really isn't anything else to review about this film, there really isn't any deep meaning in any of it, and none of the characters are ever explored, it really is just a middle finger to the general public. Having said that, the film isn't all bad, it did spark the reaction of many other aspiring authors which would later become the films 'Platoon' and 'Full Metal Jacket', so I suppose some good did come from it.
#6 Saving Private Ryan (1998) (5/10)
'The greatest ever war movie', bullshit. It's definitely not a bad film, but completely fails as a war film. Unfortunately this has built up the reputation as one of the all time greats, but let's face it, when you think about it does this film really deserve that status? First of all the plot really isn't very good, a mother's son has to be rescued because Abraham Lincoln said so. I'd like to think warfare might have changed a bit since his death and so I don't think he is really in a position to make a decision here. Maybe I would actually care about saving Private Ryan if it wasn't for the fact that he might just be the most boring soldier in the whole of the US army, it's also not very exciting when the Americans are portrayed as the predictable heroes, easily taking out whole units of the SS, which if they had bothered to read history books would find out that in no way is that an easy task.
I don't even particularly like Tom Hanks' performance, I think he makes a dull commander and his speeches are so cliche and stereotypical that it really just gets annoying. However I will praise the opening third which is a fantastic, if eccentric depiction of war. Although I can't help feeling that this is a distraction from the weak plot, with the viewer constantly being reminded of that epic scene, which they need to be as the climax is annoying and departs from any sense of realism this film might have had, which wasn't very much. If you look past the brilliant score and excellent opening scenes then you really can see the many fatal flaws that this film has, still not bad enough to be in the top five though.
#5 The Finest Hour (1991) (2/10)
This is so painfully bad that I feel violently ill just looking at the poster, it looks like some holiday advert for the homosexual community, not that I have anything against gay cruises. The story here is that two soldiers become best friends but when a woman comes between them it all starts to kick off, and when I say kick off I really mean that nothing actually happens. I don't really know what else I can say apart from that this is a predictably terrible love story that comes with horrible one liners and dialogue that just makes you cry a little inside.
If you haven't quite guessed it yet this film presents a terrible version of war, or lack of war to be more precise, it just ends up being a load of flowery bullshit that would look crappy for a romantic comedy, yet alone a war movie. The rest, well it's predictably 80's with annoying music and a hideous look, even the nightclub scenes are utterly repulsive, which is strange for a film that came out a decade after that was cool. But to be fair, at least with this one you get what you expect.
#4 Rambo III (1988) (2/10)
The first clue that this is a terrible film is that this is the third one, and that virtually nothing has changed throughout the three films, it's just a lot of things blowing up for no reason. I guess I quite enjoyed the original Rambo, it was a very basic but mildly entertaining action flick that at least was quite enjoyable to watch, this isn't. The film is set in Afghanistan where Sylvester Stallone has to rescue his captured boss, that means he joins The Taliban, yes you read that correctly, and well you can guess the rest, things blow up for no reason.
The plot is probably what annoys me the most about this. First of all it's really weak and basic, it does get very predictable in some scenes, and even more so as it doesn't vary from its predecessors in any way. The other reason is that things just happen for no reason, they show you soviet attacks on Afghan villages but never tell you why, apparently they just do it for the fun and games. This is a completely brainless film.
#3 Inchon (1981) (1/10)
This of course is the infamous attempt to create a film by none other than Sun Myung Moon, who is the maniac behind The Unification Church who are famed for their mass weddings, a man with zero experience in cinema and so you can guess how this one goes. The first flaw comes from the fact that this is supposed to be a historically accurate account of the battle of Inchon during the Korean War. Of course it really isn't, the American are depicted as heroes and the enemy don't even get a single line throughout the whole film, so it's not really an accurate depiction of war.
The killer blow was that this cost 46 million dollars, and it looks like absolute shite. They bothered to hire great actors like Laurence Olivier but then blow all of that away with a terrible script that gives us boring, one dimensional characters that really ruins the point in having an all star cast, which is a great shame as Olivier is a terrific Shakespearean actor. This is meant to be a historical epic, but it's just a deluded and laughable interpretation of war.
#2 The Patriot (2000) (1/10)
More propaganda for you yanks, and it's doing what you love best, telling the British to shove it up their ass. We go all the way back to The American Revolution for this one, and so of course with a title like that it was an instant hit in America. What helped it more was that the British where inaccurately depicted as violent war criminals throughout, which an educated historian will tell you is absolute bollocks. My favorite scene has to be where the evil British are seen burning down a church, which makes perfect sense despite the fact that the British have the same religion, what would be the point in that? It would be like me burning down the studio for Rockstar Games.
What this film is, if anything, is a cheap rip off of the previously successful 'Braveheart'. Of course that wasn't praised for its accuracy, but that's like a history textbook compared to this shambles. But what annoys me about this the most is that it keeps trying to build up for epic moments that never actually arrive. The annoying score wants to make you think they have, but really this film is very dull. You would think they might even get the battles right, but no they are also really dull and offer nothing different from any ordinary film. This really is as one dimensional as they come, and it really doesn't deserve any credit.
#1 Pearl Harbor (2001) (0/10)
Is this really a war film? probably not, although I think the question should be is it really anything, as it appears shit from which ever angle you look at it from. This is another example of how war and romance really don't mix, I guess you could say 'Top Gun' almost got it right but that was never really meant to be taken seriously, unfortunately this was. It's meant to be a dramatic retelling of the Pearl Harbor story, of course when I say dramatic I really mean utter bullshit as this is another one sided story of American triumph, if you want a realistic depiction of war then I suggest you watch 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' because you sure as hell ain't gonna get it here.
Michael Bay manages to successfully outdo himself by going to another level of crap, all the Bay shitprints are littered throughout this film and although the special effects do look nice they are only a distraction for the dreadful romance subplot and overall dull nature of the film. The romance plot is so bad that I actually wish I had been killed at Pearl Harbor so I didn't have to sit through all that crap, which isn't really fair on the actual casualties, they don't deserve to be represented by an artificial and tainted version of the real events. They certainly don't want to be represented by annoying, stereotypical actors that chuck out shitty one liners that inevitably leads to a terrible depiction of conflict, and an utterly insulting film.
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