Music Review: Nicki Minaj - Anaconda

As I have stated time and time again, I truly believe that Nicki Minaj may just be the worst artist of all time, all her songs only seem to gain notoriety for being so hopelessly bad, and so I didn't hesitate in naming 'Stupid Hoe' as the worst song of all time, a title it won by a landslide. But the future may be a little bit brighter for Ms. Minaj as recent songs have shown a more mature sound, they haven't been very successful but I do believe she is finally growing up, and her next album will be at least a serious attempt at an album. Unfortunately I made this prediction before looking at that striking cover which would lead me to believe that nothing has changed, and that this will be yet another song that sells well because of her fake ass. I fear that the failing of her more mature work will lead her back to this provocative and shocking side that caused all the original problems that leads me and many others to loath her.

Before listening to the song I will say that the name 'Anaconda' is an intriguing title. Deep down I hope it will be a complex and meaningful metaphor, but I do realise that it will probably be yet another penis reference that seem to make their way into most of her songs. It doesn't help that this song has a grand total of six writers, including Minaj herself, which is just far too many, and it will probably end up in a crowded mess. It's not as if there particularly big names either, their past histories are atrocious, and it consists of the usual hippety-hoppety brigade that wear their hats the wrong way and can't spell their own names. They haven't exactly done much either, they've just rehashed a song that was originally shelved by 'Missy Elliot', which is a promising sign. If she turned it down there was obviously something fundamentally wrong with it, and I hardly think adding Minaj to the mix is going to help.

Now I don't review the videos in these articles, as music should always be about the song, but I will say that Minaj has successfully made this as raunchy as ever, using her body to tell the song, which is a bit of luck since she sounds absolutely terrible. But I guess it worked for her before, so why fix something that isn't broken, I'm sure it will make her a ton of money to which I sort of admire her in a way. What I don't admire however is the pointless cameo of Drake, he has absolutely no purpose whatsoever in the video and just sits there for a few seconds getting a lapdance. Why him? It doesn't really appeal to any other people since they're both in the rap genre. He has absolutely no purpose in being there. Another thing I will also say about the video is that I'm surprised there hasn't been any racism arguments yet. There are zero white people featured in the video, and the theme of black supremacy is almost glorified throughout the song, so why has their been no criticism? I feel if this was reversed then there would be a public outrage, funny how that works.

The actual song is just horrendous. The core elements of it are stolen from 90's classic 'Baby Got Back', which I never liked before, and still retain that opinion now. In fact it seems amazing to me how Nicki Minaj can even claim it's hers, she just fills in blanks on a song that's already been done, taking credit for it is like taking the credit for creating a crossword that you've just completed, she never has any claim to the song so all she has to do is perform, which she still manages to fail at.
Her voice is just the usual compilation of annoying noises and sounds absolutely terrible, proving again that she might have the worst voice in the world, which is quite important in a profession that requires it to a high standard. The way she performs it just makes it painful to listen to, everything from those annoying sound effects to the way she lingers on notes for no reason. I do applaud the production team's efforts, but even they failed at even making it sound bearable.

The annoying noises aren't even the worst problem, that comes from the way the song is constructed. It seems that the number of writers takes it toll by creating a terribly paced and executed song, it never flows at any stage, and all it has to accompany it is a generic rap beat that is probably recycled from every other popular rap song. This mess is summed up during the incredibly annoying chorus, that should ideally be used as the climax to the song, but ends up sounding like a jumbled mess, only serving to finally shutting Minaj up to give your ears a well earned rest. The only thing I can praise it for is being memorable. In a genre that is constantly developing this is very important to ensuring Minaj has any legacy, which thanks to this she probably will, although it surely can't be a positive one. You can't really escape from a song that is essentially about your own ass, which leads me on to discussing the terrible lyrics.

 My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun

Here of course we first find out that the term 'Anaconda' is a metaphor for a penis. It's not a particularly good one, why you would want to compare it to a six meter long snake that strangles people is beyond me, it's not really something that I would brag about. The bad thing is that this is probably the high point of the song, because now we have to listen to Minaj's irritating voice.

Boy toy named troy, used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins
Was a shooter with the law, but he live in a palace
Bought me Alexander McQueen, he was keeping my stylish

Now thats r-r-real, gun in my purse, bitch I came for us to kill
Who wanna go first? I had them push daffodils
I'm high as hell, I only took a half of pill
I'm on some dumb shit

And what does Minaj choose to bring to the song, a provocative theme, brilliant. I would say I'm surprised about the song glorifying Minaj's body, but I'm really not, it's just another song about sex, which goes against this growing up part that I predicted. It's also the usual dodgy love scenario, falling for a drug dealer and murderer, way to keep it classy Nicki, I had hoped for a little. We also get a predictably pathetic cash in by referencing Alexander McQueen, who is a fashion designer that Nicki is affiliated with, but I would expect that in a song as meaningless as this.

By the way, what he say?
He can tell I ain't missing no meals
Come through and fuck em in my automobile
And I'm hitting it with his girls, and he telling me to chill

 And he telling me it's real, that he love my sex appeal
Say he don't like em boney, he want something he can grab
So I pulled up in the Jag, and I hit em with the jab like

(Chorus)

Now I didn't think Minaj was a doctor, but surely she should know that you can't tell how much someone eats by how big their rear end is. A basic education will tell her that food travels to the stomach, and so how much somebody eats has very little impact on the size of Nicki's ass. This doesn't really help her empowerment of women that is a constant theme throughout this verse, note how she is the one getting fucked in her own car, which can't really be taken seriously in a song about asses, almost seeming hypocritical. I also can't help but notice one of the worst rhyme schemes of all time, it's wherever is convenient, a fatal mistake in a genre that heavily relies on rhyme. It's not as if the words mean anything either, leading me to believe that this song was created with little care, and as a result feels very rushed. 

This dude named Michael used to buy motorcycles
Dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking about Eiffel
Real country ass nigga, let me play with his rifle
Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil
Now that bang bang bang, I let him hit it cause he slang cocaine
He toss my salad like his name Romaine
And when we done, I make him buy me romaine
I'm on some dumb shit

(Chorus)

After some more insufferable noises we're back to the terrible metaphors, or at least poorly explained ones. She claims that this guys dick is bigger than a tower, and then rules out the Eiffel Tower in Paris, which is a rather large one. But it's said in a way that assumes there are only two towers in the world, like the listener instantly knows which tower she's talking about after ruling out the other one. For all we know that tower could be tiny, after all there are many towers in the world. We then resort to racial slurs, which is fine for a black person as that's how the hypocrisy of society sees things, and what 'tossing the salad' means is also a mystery, although it's probably slang for jacking him off, so all in all we have a very deep and meaningful song here, that might also be fucking disgusting.

Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt

Yeah, he love this fat ass
Yeah, this one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club
I said, where my fat ass big bitches in the club?
Fuck the skinny bitches, fuck the skinny bitches in the club
I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club
Fuck you if you skinny bitches WHAT?

I got a big fat ass
Come on

Back to the ass, why not, nothing else noteworthy throughout the whole song, this is almost the admittance that it's complete shite. We then insult thinner women, because they're about the only person not to be insulted yet, which I find slightly unecessary. I don't know what Minaj has against the skinnier women but my money is on jealousy, I think she needs to remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and not men who cream over women with butt implants, especially those who sound fucking dreadful.  

Overall the lyrics just sum up the generic rap bollocks that has been plaguing the genre in recent years. They don't really mean anything, and I must have missed where the Anaconda part came in, the song isn't even about snakes or penises, so why it's called that I will never know. Although on the whole that is only a minor issue compared with the horrendous execution of a dreadful song, that to be fair was probably doomed to begin with. It's also a very bad sign, we're watching Minaj go back into her original genre, which is where she produced her worst work, and so I think this song was meant to be a sort of 'Sgt. Pepper' moment, that shows how Minaj's sound is developing, but thankfully that seems to have failed miserably. God help the rap genre if this is the best it can produce.

Final Rating: -1/10