#10 Hayden Christensen
Worst Roles: Star Wars Episode II (6/10), Jumper (1/10)
"But you where the chosen one" Ewan McGregor angrily yells as he realises what should of been one of the greatest performances of our time was butchered by a terrible actor in a lackluster film. I want to know who hired this guy, I genuinely can't believe at any point during the production for 'Star Wars' that nobody realized he was a bit shit, definitely nowhere near ready to take on a role as massive as Darth Vader. The very thought of this man carrying a film brings shivers down my spine, he's definitely matured as an actor but the damage has already been done, it was doomed to begin with. To be fair to him he did improve for the third episode and there where glimpses of a decent actor trying to emerge, but god did he look awful surrounded by a much more talented cast.
Wooden is the word I would use to describe his acting style, it reminds me of watching students, sure he gets the winy teenager role correct but after that it looks like he's way out of his depth. He tried the winy teenager with Anakin Skywalker, and while it did work in some scenes, in others he just ended up looking like a twat. This hurts me as a 'Star Wars' fan, Darth Vader isn't a twat, he's fucking awesome. Darth Vader has probably the best screen presence of any character in the history of cinema, Christensen has the presence of an ironing board, although maybe that's harsh to the ironing board as that might have appeared in more interesting conversations, I doubt ironing boards would get distracted by how they "don't like sand" when there's a whole fucking galaxy to save. This one's just a case of too much, too young, too fast.
#9 Hugh Grant
"Oh er, um yes, sorry" would be the mumbling bullshit I would use to sum up Hugh Grant, who ends up looking like a bigger bellend than his own humongous jaw. I actually feel quite embarrased because he has become a sort of model that all Americans now view the British as. Piers Morgan has only made the situation a thousand times worse, but at one stage we had people like John Lennon and Mick Jagger as major exports, but now we're left with this bumbling idiot to show everyone what Britain is all about. Let me get this straight, mumbling through lines is not the trait of a good actor, if you don't know your own lines then you're a flawed actor, no matter how handsome you are.
Another thing that makes a bad actor is when they play the same fucking role over and over again. Oh here's Hugh playing yet another handsome and cheesy Brit who only wants to fall in love, oh what a fucking surprise. Yet people still clamour for what is essentially a one trick pony. I ask anyone what they think of him and it's always the same thing about how great all his films are, which they're plainly not, they all lack any substance and have the depth of an Amish's electricity bill. His 'signature' performances seem to me like the same dull and confused ones we always seem to get, nothing ever seems to happen to him and I never find one single reason to care about any of his characters. Probably the best example of this was the atrocious 'Music & Lyrics', of which I found the same pleasure watching as seeing my gran prolapse in front of me. His performance wasn't helped by a diabolical script and his horrible chemistry with Drew Barrymore, but he certainly made sure to squeeze as much blood out of that shitty stone as possible. I just don't get the attraction to him.
#8 Will Smith
Not an easy job trying to become a respectable actor after basically cocking around for the first part of your career, but good old Will gave it a go. He's so dedicated to convincing us that he's such a good actor that he plays the same role every single time, and it's always the hero. You would of thought that maybe playing the same role over and over again would be easy, but apparently not as we keep getting these horror performances like in 'After Earth' that was just painful to watch, and unfortunately there are many more examples. In a film as bad as 'After Earth' it seems a mere miracle that Will himself would still be annoying, but he managed it. I just never get the impression that he cares about what he's doing, he's just happy to get his paycheck and then fucks off. I hate this about the Hollywood lifestyle, you should always to perform to the best of your ability, and this lack of effort shows in his variety of lackluster and 'that will do' performances.
I just can't understand why he has this massive following, everyone I talk to thinks he's some kind of divine hero and even daring to criticize this man's portfolio is blasphemy. Sure he's had some high points in his career, but you must ask yourself, was he really the star of those films? Were films such as 'Men In Black' and 'I Am Legend' really promoted by Mr. Smith's performance? I would even argue that they were dragged down by Will's uninspiring and mundane acting. It's also not as if his roles require some genius to play them, they seem to me to be generic characters that can be copy and pasted onto anybody's shoulders. Only of course Will Smith gets chosen because Hollywood like to pander to the lowest common denominator, which in this case is the morons that obsess over him. He even has the barefaced cheek to promote his own son's career, but we'll get on to that a bit later.
#7 Zac Efron
Unfortunately for Zac I'm not a teenage girl and so to me there are no redeeming qualities for him, and so unfortunately for Mr. Efron I will not be distracted by him stripping off, which he seems to do in every fucking film he's in. This in my view is really a distraction for his shitty persona and lack of actual acting skills. In fact when his shirt is kept on he has virtually no presence and becomes a worthless character altogether. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, if you're best known for appearing in High School Musical then it probably tells you that you're career is a bit shit, which it is, and he's rightfully panned in almost everything he appears in.
I know I'm probably going to be murdered by some obsessed fangirls after writing this, but the truth is that looking pretty and getting paid for it does not equal talent. I just don't care how perfect his chest is or how beautiful his eyes look, it doesn't get away from the fact that the guy is totally useless, maybe once you've finished gormlessly dribbling at the screen you can see that for yourselves. He's also a drug addict who's been trying to get on the straight and narrow in recent years, and although that does sound quite rock and roll I'm still sure it must be on things like Calpol as I still can't take him seriously, he still has that annoying 'High School Musical' personality. Rock and roll or not, he's still utterly useless.
#6 Nicolas Cage
I think that face says it all really, how bad do you have to be to call that serious acting. His performances are so comical that it distracts me from the actual film, which would be great if he didn't appear in serious films, which he unfortunately does. The problem with appearing in serious films is that it lowers the value of the movie to a comical level. A good example of this was 'The Wicker Man' which was originally a harrowing cult classic, until Cage got his hands on it and turned it into a situational comedy, his acting was simply diabolical. Just look at the bees scene, it's the usual overacted crap that does make an entertaining performance, but once the novelty wears off it quickly becomes frustrating.
For some reason this man also has an Oscar, but then I suppose 'One Direction' frequently pick up awards and so that's mainly to do with the crappy panel of judges, who for some reason decided that his performance was in some way special, which it wasn't. The judges obviously didn't bother with believability as I have yet to see him in a role that he fits into without looking like a complete lunatic, I'm not sure any director could ever get something serious out of him, yet alone good. If I had to sum him up it would be by comparing him to a circus freak who turns up in fancy dress for a funeral, his own funeral.
#5 Robert Pattinson
Since when did being a vampire become cool? Probably a better question is why would you want to be a vampire if you looked like this emotionless moron? Dull is all you really need to know, that's all his acting consists of, dull performance after yet another dull performance. All the fangirls on the internet treat him like some sort of hero when in reality he lacks any passion and looks like a lump of dead meat charged with 10,000 volts. All this means is that his characters end up looking like complete shite as he just endlessly mopes around the screen delivering one crappy line after another, and like his vampire role in 'Twilight' it just ends up in a cliche ridden mess.
His voice is also another big problem, to describe the experience of listening to one of his big lines I would have to compare it to being repeatedly blasted with the sound of boredom, maybe with a bit of teenage lust thrown in. In fact even when he doesn't talk he still looks like a pointless vacuum just sucking all the energy out the room and projecting dreary bollocks in the usual mundane and dull tone that he always has, even seeing him in shot makes me promptly sigh, and that's before he's even done anything. All this from a fucking vampire, even comparing him to Count Dracula is a fucking insult. Just where did it all go wrong? How can you possibly cast this boring lump of shit as something so fucking awesome?
#4 Sarah Jessica Parker
You know it's not a good start when you're best known for starring in painfully unfunny and just an irritating pile of shit that is 'Sex & The City'. It also doesn't say a lot when you're an untalented horse, who unfortunately is allowed on the set even though she takes most of her talent from her equine cousins. I will praise her for her role in 'War Horse' though, which I unfortunately cannot include in my review as she was an uncredited role. I would say that was an autobiography of her life, but unfortunately this horse hasn't been put down yet.
Anyway, with the horse jokes aside she is still an awful actor, just playing the same boring and tedious role over and over again, trying to milk as much money as she can out of the woeful crapfest that has become known as 'Sex & The City', which is more sex and less city unfortunately. I say this as the romantic scenes are the usual shallow rubbish that has plagued the romantic comedy genre for many years now, and having Sarah in them doesn't exactly help, if anything it just makes it more cringeworthy and disgusting. From this we can deduce that a romantic comedy with Sarah Jessica Parker in it loses both the romantic and comedy parts to it on the account that she isn't remotely funny and the romantic scenes are just devoid of any life and are terrible overall. Just an utterly useless person that has to offer nothing of any merit to anyone at all.
#3 Taylor Lautner
Whatever happened to the days when girls would actually become attracted to worthwhile people, now they just cream over people like this who are just self obsessed morons. Just everything about Taylor Lautner is "oh look at me", the pretentious twat. Although I suppose if I was him I would flaunt my body at every available opportunity as I would have zero acting skills, and a very long neck. We can see this self obsessed embellishment in 'Twilight' where he was supposed to be playing a werewolf, of course nobody told him this and so we ended up with some annoying douchebag of a teenager with no charisma, until the inevitable scene where he ripped off his fucking shirt, as I've said before, that isn't talent.
And then what happens when we do get him playing a serious role, he fucks it up of course by showing his lack of acting skills in a terrible performance in the recently released 'Abduction', you could almost forgive him if he had anything else worthwhile, but unfortunately for him he doesn't. Actually what am I saying, you couldn't forgive him for an incredibly wooden and lackluster performance that actually managed to make me cringe in such a serious film. Never before have I laughed so hard at somebody being kidnapped, but that's what I though of Lautner's performance.
I guess we should expect this from a man described as "the weakest link" by the cast of 'Twilight' which really is saying something, if they even realise he's a pathetic excuse for an actor then I really don't think I should say anymore. All I will say is that this man's talent has thankfully got him nowhere, the list of films he appears in are laughably bad, there really isn't a single one I would rate over a three. He is just simply that annoying talentless twat that I would love to punch in the face, or maybe that person will enter the list a bit later.
#2 Kristen Stewart
It's everybody's favorite actor, how anyone could ever find anything good about her is beyond me. Just why? Why would you want to become an actor when you fail at everything it requires. As I'm sure the internet will quickly tell you she has no personality what so ever, her only expression seems to be nothingness, and so any line she does say kills any atmosphere in the scene. She seems to me to be like the pile of shit that the cleaner forgot to remove from the middle of the shot, she never looks like she needs to be there, and when she does become noticeable she becomes, well, a pile of shit. But maybe that comparison is unfair, I mean people actually take notice of a pile of shit, where as Kristen has no presence as she stumbles through her awkward lines in that dull voice of hers.
She just reminds me of a robot with her always wooden performances and annoying monotone voice. She even has the same emotive range of a computer, that is she hasn't got one. It actually becomes quite scary after a while, it might actually be physically impossible for her to smile. This can probably be explained by the fact that she has never had any acting lessons, which she constantly brags about, which I wouldn't if I was her as it's instantly noticeable as she even lags behind the rest of the pathetic cast that is 'Twilight'. But even with acting lessons I don't see there being much hope, I seem to constantly go back to the saying 'you can't polish a turd' which seems appropriate here, except this turd you could replace with two planks of wood and it might actually improve the performance.
#1 Jaden Smith
Fuck off Will Smith, stop trying to shove your stupid, untalented family down my throat. For some reason you're a proud dad, but that doesn't make it right to plaster them all over my screen, just face it, he has no future in anything. Regular readers would of probably seen this coming, they know I absolutely despise this brat. I mean just look at him, what a pointless, overspoilt, talentless little twat he has become, and all because his overrated father has a huge career, so of course he thought Jaden needed some of that limelight, and has constantly shoved him down our throats ever since. This blatant case of nepotism was highlighted in recent release 'After Earth', which I chose as the worst film of last year, because it was shockingly bad. In this film Jaden was given the main role to finally showcase his talent. Unfortunately what actually happened was one of the worst things I have ever seen caught on film, and trust me I've been on some dodgy sites on the internet that were a lot less shocking than Jaden's performance. He just never looked comfortable, his character was hopeless and this was then was then coupled with his horrendous acting to create something truly monstrous.
But even after proving nothing to anyone he still thinks he's something special, he still for some reason thinks he's some sort of god that can easily master everything. He seriously thinks that he's the total package at acting and rapping, and the fact is he sucks at both, I actually feel insulted after watching some of his 'work'. If you need any other reason apart from his twatish persona, his awful performances, his silver spoon upbringing and his piss poor attitude then you really need your head examined.
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