If I'm being brutally honest I loathe the romantic comedy genre. I've never seen the benefit of combining what is often forced and cheesy humour into a serious romantic story, as it makes the end product seem less plausible and engaging for the viewer. I admit I'm not exactly the target market for these sorts of films, but I've managed to find many examples over the years that not even fans of the genre can claim are great films to watch. Here is a list of some of the worst films in cinema history from a genre that loves to release a lot of shit.
#10 Fool's Gold (2008) (2/10)
This was a really dull one. The plot is something about finding lost treasure to help rekindle a marriage, or some bollocks like that. In all honesty I don't actually care, but I do care about feeling violently ill after watching some of the shit this fictional relationship brings up. The problems lie in the fact that this film is primarily based on adventure, and a very poor one at that. Then for some reason we get a terribly scripted romantic subplot thrown in our faces with the occasional comedic outburst that makes the whole situation feel bizarre and clunky at every opportunity. The whole premise of the film just doesn't work on any level, and that's backed up by one of the worst scripts I've ever come across. I don't think I can remember a film where the characters seem to endlessly talk, yet still manage to say nothing worthy of any attention. You have to bear in mind that all this comes from big name actors like Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, with experienced veterans like Ray Winstone even making the odd appearance. All these big names have no effect on the overall experience, and at times they look like they have no idea why they even bothered.
I don't honestly know how all this ended up in such a big disaster, but nobody involved seemed to have any idea what they're doing. Admittedly I don't like Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey as actors, but I would of at least thought the director could have got just a little chemistry out of their dry and dull performances. If the film was trying to show a spark being put back into this marriage then I couldn't see it. All I could see was the endless shots of beautiful coastline and attractive bodies that all got a bit too familiar after the first five minutes. The whole thing actually ended up feeling a lot like an infomercial for some luxury villas, which although comforting isn't a good sign when I'm meant to be watching a blockbuster with a large budget. Okay it's not the worst film in the world, and it didn't anger me at any stage, but as an overall film it's just utterly flawed.
#9 Two of a Kind (1983) (1/10)
This was the huge reunion of John Travolta and Olivia Newton John after their success with 'Grease', which I'm sure was an exciting prospect for everyone apart from myself. What audiences were not expecting was quite possibly the stupidest plot in the history of film. The premise of the film is that Travolta plays a struggling inventor who decides to rob a bank where Newton John's character works. This for some reason means that these two have to fall in love with each other to delay God's judgment on Earth. What? Who the hell can explain that plot point to a logical person like myself? The rest of the film doesn't exactly get much better either. The acting is second rate, the humour is vile and used at weird moments that don't require any, and the actual romance is almost nonexistent. Amazingly this one couldn't even get the basics right, yet alone integrate them with clever jokes and heartwarming moments. I'm glad this pile of crap bombed, but surely somebody should have stopped this horror show before it got out of hand. If God did end up watching this film I'm sure he wouldn't delay his final judgment on earth, and end up banishing humans from earth thanks to these two fucking up so badly.
#8 What Happens in Vegas (2008) (1/10)
Unfortunately, unlike the saying that the film takes its name from, this debacle didn't end up staying in Las Vegas and ended up infecting screens of many cinemas worldwide. This film was a big success at the box office, despite not being special or charming in any way. The route of the problems lie in the plot, which is something a three year old child would feel embarrassed about writing. If for some reason you haven't worked out exactly what will happen throughout the film just by watching the first five minutes then you're as moronic as the writers of this useless script. The plot is so paper thin that anyone can see through the cliche ridden mess, topped off by some dreadful directing.
You could say that the reason this film was such a success was down to the two main stars, Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher; and you would be right. People seem to love these two names in any film, and although they annoy me, I'm sure their chemistry could have prevailed in a much better film produced by people who actually care about making art. It's not their fault that the humour is poorly integrated into the script, although even for a man of sophisticated tastes there were some standout moments overshadowed by elements that would only please a clinical moron. It was actually rumored that Diaz and Kutcher were intoxicated during various scenes, and I find that instantly plausible considering that they seemed to have forgotten how to play characters that aren't just themselves. Maybe that would be more commendable if we weren't dealing with two of the shittest egos in Hollywood.
#7 Swept Away (2002) (1/10)
Who knew Madonna would turn out to be a shit actor? Well everyone actually, but Guy Ritchie needed to contribute to the marriage and so presumably just gave into Madonna's demands of appearing in one of his films, largely becoming the reason for its failure. I know it's easy to jump on the Madonna hating bandwagon, but she does comprise of almost everything wrong in what was admittedly never going to be an Oscar winning film. Okay the diabolical script and terrible plot don't do her any favors, but she could of at least look like she belonged on a film set, and not end up with a performance that might be acceptable in a high school play. No sorry, that's harsh on the students who work hard to get their respective roles, and don't just marry into them.
Apparently this film is an example of the romantic comedy genre, although I couldn't find any romance or comedy throughout the whole thing. Where there was supposed to be a touching plot is a mystery, and all we end up with is a lifeless film that only serves to mock everyone involved. It's a disgusting attempt at a film, only existing to dance on the grave of classic romances in times gone by. The reception to this film was so poor that it was never actually released in the UK, which says a lot considering that us British people are brought up around watching really shitty films, and so have a very high tolerance towards them. 'Swept Away' was a step too far for even us Brits, and although it might not be the worst of the worst like some people claim, overall it's an abomination that hopefully will be lost in the pages of history.
#6 Over Her Dead Body (2008) (1/10)
Ghosts sabotaging former relationships in a romantic comedy. It's almost like this film was doomed to begin with. Even before the thing starts you just know it's going to be a cringeworthy attempt to produce something even vaguely funny. Not surprisingly the forced humour ends up being the worst thing about this torrid creation. I've seen the concept of death being mocked in very effective ways over the years, and so it comes as a big surprise when this film can't even make an event as dramatic as death amusing in any way. All the film does is create hateful characters that rely on being bitches to spurt out the painfully unfunny jokes that litter this dumb film. I'm almost certain that the word 'creative' was never used once in the whole production considering that the whole thing reeks of commercial horseshit that nobody at any stage even cared about. You can tell by the bog standard plot, shallow and uninteresting characters, and cringeworthy jokes that this film solely exists to be a tax on the public. There is no entertainment to be found in a film devoid of any joy, killing only your brain cells in the process.
#5 New Year's Eve (2011) (0/10)
Here's a great idea; instead of telling one really bad romantic tale, why not combine far too many of the bloody things so the audience loses track of what's going on, ending up in a film with lots of crappy love stories that are no different from any other film out there. You just know a film will be awful when Zac Efron, Ashton Kutcher and Sarah Jessica Parker get more prestigious roles than fucking Robert De Niro. How the fuck can some of the worst actors of this generation be prioritised over one of the all time greats? It just goes to show that nobody involved in making this crap had any idea of what makes a good film, only that the damn things makes a ton of cash for bastards. I find it incredible how a cast that's so star studded ends up becoming completely pointless, with none of the talent ever being utilised in any shape or form. Somehow this film makes Robert De Niro look like a shit actor, leaving the rest to be carried by the rough edged amateurs who could happily ruin any classic film with their lack of noticeable talent.
The producers of this money laundering scam tried to get their hands on anyone that might appeal to fanbases with a lot of financial power. Fucking Bon Jovi decides to make an appearance for no reason at all, and in fact I'm confident that all the budget was spent on these fucking cameos rather than important things like a decent script or maybe a good score. This lack of care when dealing with the plot means the thing ends up incredibly shallow, if you can even call it a plot since there really isn't any logical order of intelligence in anything. Each respective scene just lumbers from one to the next, each being more and more cringeworthy as the film progresses. 'New Year's Eve' is the epitome of why I hate the romantic comedy genre. Prestigious careers become ruined by vomit inducing crap made with no care at any stage, only existing on a commercial level to con the public out of their hard earned cash.
#4 All About Steve (2009) (0/10)
Yet another disaster that isn't either funny or romantic at any stage. The words I would use to describe this mess include 'creepy', 'cringeworthy', and 'shoddy'. The main reason for this is the awful performance of Sandra Bullock that has to be one of the worst leading roles I've ever had the displeasure to watch. Instead of being anything interesting or relatable it becomes vile and annoying; the exact opposite of what I want in a film that should be designed to make me feel good. Bullock's role is certainly something different, but when the plot revolves around her eccentric character stalking a man across America it becomes a bit weird. Bradley Cooper, who plays Bullock's male lover, can only stand and smile at Bullock's cringeworthy performance throughout the whole film, and I can't say I'm surprised that he looks like he wants the hell out of whatever film he signed up for.
However my biggest issue comes from the inconsistent plot and almost non existent pacing of the narrative. The film seems to jump from being romantic, to then being funny, to then being tragic, and then to creepy in one massive cycle that ends up feeling clunky and amateur. 'All About Steve' is a film with little direction or purpose, with the only message being that stalking is a good thing for both parties involved. You get the sense that if the roles were reversed then this would be one controversial comedy, and so I can't work out why the director thought it would be perfectly acceptable with the roles reversed. The whole premise just doesn't work in a light hearted film like this one. Bullock did actually accept the 'Razzie' for the worst actress in person, so fair play to her for that. I can't imagine it was much of a surprise to her when the critics picked her up on this dreadful film.
#3 The Hottie and the Nottie (2008) (-5/10)
I'm spotting a problem straight away with this film; who's supposed to be 'the hottie' in that picture? I don't know what the director and producer were smoking when they concocted this pile of shit, but this lazy and disgusting film managed to put the cherry on top of a terrible year for cinema in general. Paris Hilton is essentially a piece of plastic that in its tiny mind thinks it can act. It can't, and nobody on the face of the earth would ever want to watch anything with her putrid and rancid personality destroying any artistic integrity that anyone around her might actually have. Just like every other piece of art Paris has had a go at, this one also serves to highlight what a worthless being she really is.
But somehow the plot manages to be even worse than the mere presence of Paris Hilton. I don't know if Joseph Goebbels supervised the production of this travesty, but his idea of eugenics and propaganda is very similar to one that Paris Hilton decided was a good idea to turn into a film. I'm sure if Goebbels had directed this film he might have cast a more convincing actor than Paris, and someone who doesn't rely on plastic surgery and scandalous actions to get where she is today. I get that this film aims to show that not every book should be judged by its cover, but it fails to understand that by carrying that message Paris Hilton ends up making the film about her artificially beautiful appearance, defeating the good message the film tried to carry. Of all the people to take the moral high ground on judging people by personality, then a person who became famous for getting fucked on camera probably isn't one of them. I'm sure that's an issue nobody cared about on set, but then I doubt anyone did care about this soulless travesty.
#2 Gigli (2003) (-8/10)
There have been many unpleasant things said about this film that a lot of people describe as one of the worst of all time. There is no doubt in my mind that this unpronounceable film deserves every one of those negative reviews, not even earning the accolade of being so bad that it's actually quite enjoyable. This horrific piece of cinema has a purpose that perplexes me. I'm not sure if anyone involved knew what they were doing, but as far as I can work out it's a film about absolutely nothing. All 'Gigli' manages to showcase is the off screen relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez that I don't give a fuck about. I do however care about their on screen chemistry, or lack of in reality. These two names combined manage to bring the film down to a whole new level that even the crappy romantic comedy genre hadn't experienced yet; even dragging down costars Al Pacino and Christopher Walken in the process. It's amazing that two legendary names like Pacino and Walken can end up looking like talentless actors when faced with a film so bad that even they couldn't turn any of it around.
However it's all very well focusing a film on a romance, but what isn't acceptable is when you forget about that romance despite giving it endless time. The zero chemistry of the cast and non existent plot combine to create an atmosphere that at no point even feels close to romantic. All the film shows is a stale relationship accompanied by rancid lines of dialogue and dead comedy. In terms of a romantic comedy this film is just about the ultimate sin, which even by convention deserves an apocalyptically low amount of praise. The biggest joke in the whole film is that it cost 75 million dollars to make. I assume 74 million of those dollars were just kept by the director, as at no point does this mess look like anything other than a film made on a shoestring budget. It comes as no surprise to me that this flop was panned by critics and viewers, and it was only karma that it only made back a tenth of its original budget.
#1 Sex & the City (2008) (-15,000/10)
If a midlife crisis does exist in female society then this would be the perfect film to sum up what a miserable part of the life cycle it would be for any human alive. Never have I experienced such a group of hateful characters doing things that can only be described as the activities of irritating tossers, annoying every single fibre in your body. I know I'm not exactly the target market for a film aimed at single middle aged women who have nothing else to live for, but surely as an audience member I'm at least owed a film made with passion and technically gifted artists that don't massacre cinema into a bunch of commercial crap, only serving the purpose of conning delusional people out of their hard earned money. Who knew two hours could be wasted in such a meaningless way as a trip to see this shambolic and offensive drivel that is something I would recommend needlessly risking your mental wellbeing by merely watching the damn thing?
I urge any sane human being to never watch this bucketload of excrement that takes the piss out of everything cinema stands for. The things I would rather watch than this atrocity are my family being eaten alive by bears, pornography involving fecal matter, and my television on static for 24 hours straight. How this didn't manage to end this vile series I will never know, but it certainly put an end to my sympathy and compassion towards the human race. The fact that this succeeded and a sequel was commissioned make me doubt the moral consciousness of humanity itself. How can people who want to watch this breach of human rights even work out how to go to a cinema? How can something so disrespectful and disgusting be allowed permission to be broadcast in public places? For me this pile of excrement was perfectly summed up by critic Anthony Lane who said the film should be called "The lying, the bitch and the wardrobe."
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