Glastonbury 2014: Day 2 Review (Saturday)

Glastonbury (28/06/14)

Day two promises to be much better than the first, the lineup is absolutely stacked with some brilliant artists and so I shall now review the main acts featured throughout the days proceedings

Lana Del Rey (Pyramid Stage)

Lana Del Rey isn't usually the most colorful of characters, and so it was a nice surprise to see her actually coming out in a very bright tie-die dress, which actually looked very nice. In fact I would like to say that in my personal opinion she did look quite attractive. Unfortunately that dress may have been there to cover up the fact that her set was rather gloomy and depressing, there were no real gimmicks involved and it looked to me like she was improvising, or at least very little planning went into it. Lana again proving that she really does have very little charisma, or at least she doesn't show it.

The actual playlist was performed reasonably well, there wasn't really any standout moments, but I will say her new album 'Ultraviolence' sounds better live than in the studio, which is a quite a difficult trick to pull off, she must have been doing something right. I wouldn't say the overall experience was enjoyable, it just felt a bit gloomy, the crowd meanwhile were loving every minute of it and so maybe it's just me, although that blank stare in the picture makes me think otherwise. Not a bad set in any case, all the big numbers sounded good, just a bit more drama needed. 

Final Rating: 6/10   ***

Wolf Alice (John Peel Stage)

This is something a little bit different, an alternative rock band from London that is fronted by a female, a genre that doesn't have a particularly brilliant past. However this band are here to prove that they can move on to bigger and better things, and I hope so to as they really could be the future of rock. I would say they remind me a bit of 'Hole', just 5 million times better.

This was another depressing set, although this time they actually showed some emotion on the stage, and you can really see the difference it makes when you compare their performance with Lana's. Again there was nothing that made me feel particularly excited, I wasn't wowed by anything special, and the staging did look a little threadbare, but for an up and coming band they certainly have promise with their original and quality sound.

Final Rating: 5/10   **1/2

Jack White (Pyramid Stage)

This man has an exceptional pedigree. He once was of course a member of 'The White Stripes' and was most noted for his exceptional, if a little overrated, guitar playing ability. With timeless 'White Stripes' riffs ringing in my ear, I ask myself what the hell went so horribly wrong here? I don't know how he quite managed it, but what we got was an unorganized and terribly paced racket that was not only annoying but also utterly shite. Just about every riff lacked any purpose and even seemed to alienate the crowd on multiple occasions.

The chosen playlist was also another talking point, it really didn't flow and many songs felt like they went on for centuries longer than they should of, this of course killed off any momentum he had obtained, which wasn't much since there wasn't a whole lot the crowd could get stuck into. Even 'The White Stripes' historic work was visibly pulverized before my very eyes, timeless classics just seemed to disintegrate and we were left with a pile of crap. But what capped it all off for me, his dreadful cover of 'Enter Sandman', wow that was a special kind of shit, I don't think I've ever heard it played so badly, and really it just summed up his performance in a nutshell.

Final Rating: 2/10   *

Robert Plant ( Pyramid Stage)

Probably the name I was most looking forward to seeing at this years event, he is quite simply one of the biggest characters in the history of the industry and he's now trying his luck with his new band 'Sensational Shape Shifters' which isn't really a catchy name, and will almost certainly go down like a lead zeppelin (ha). You have to bear in mind that Robert Plant is 65, so it is nothing short of a miracle that he can still perform the way he does, when I'm 65 I hope I can still masturbate yet alone own the main stage of Glastonbury like he did back in 1969. It was also great to see the fans actually respect this absolute legend, he got a huge roar when he walked out like the boss he is, I had worried that he might be one of history's forgotten names, but he drew a huge crowd which is great to see .

His set was good, there was a nice mix of classic 'Led Zeppelin' numbers and some new songs he has recorded since. It was almost like seeing 'Led Zeppelin' back in 1969 as the genres of folk and blues were expertly intertwined to create what was a momentous and enjoyable performance. The standout moment of course was the fans chanting for one last song, and he delivered with a brilliant rendition of 'Rock & Roll', which is easily one of the top ten songs of all time. It still baffles me how a pensioner can have more stage presence than people half his age, nobody so far this year has even come close to owning that stage like Plant did, he really is a one of a kind.

I just love the fact that this set just felt chilled out, a relaxing affair from a man who had huge expectations coming into Glastonbury, especially from fans like myself. As expected the pace did drop at some stages, but the guy is 65 and not even the younger generation can go full out for the whole performance. Yes I can moan that there wasn't a 'Stairway to Heaven' in sight, but the classics where a once in a lifetime moment, you really did get the sense that you were watching one of the all time great performers, and who knows next year he might even bring back some old friends.

Final Rating: 8/10   ****

Manic Street Preachers (Other Stage)

The 'Manic Street Preachers' may just be the most pointless band in the world, they seem to only live for these live shows and as far as I'm concerned have never released anything of note, ever. I just don't understand the appeal of them, but then that's probably because I'm not a man having a mid life crisis, and so I don't find any of their so called 'classic' numbers anything special. They're also from Wales, if you guessed that by the ridiculous number of flags that adorn their stage. In the end it just looks quite tacky, and then there was their performance, which was really bog standard, literally nothing of any significance happened throughout, it was everything you would expect. Whilst it certainly wasn't a horrible set, it isn't exactly what you would pay good money to see.

Final Rating: 5/10   **1/2

Pixies (Other Stage)

It's been a long time since 'Pixies' headlined anything, they reformed in 2004 after a 11 year hiatus and are now back in the scene. I think this is a good thing for the music industry as they were always a band that never got the credit they fully deserve, at the time they were a very influential band who's unique style was inherited by legendary bands such as 'Nirvana'. The experience clearly shows as they know how to create an instantaneous dark atmosphere with their well paced and gloomy set. Everything that was done was accomplished with frightening efficiency and technical prowess, they certainly know how to own a set at the biggest stage. Thumbs up from me, and one that maybe I didn't expect, like everyone else I just instantly overlooked this well rounded band. 

Final Rating: 8/10   ****

Jake Bugg (Other Stage)

Apparently this person is meant to be very cool, I don't really follow popular culture and so to me he just looks like a bog standard teenager who's going to seduce us with his poncy guitar. Once you get past this hipster appearance you really don't get much talent, especially considering the buzz that surrounds this young man. He certainly provided a nice juxtaposition from other headliners 'Metallica' but I personally just don't get it.

He predictably managed to draw a huge crowd like he did last year, but I really must question the fans over what the draw is with this guy, maybe it is just his babyface looks. This year he tried to get us to take him seriously with his music encompassing more adult and meaningful themes. I definitely didn't get that from his performance, he still looks like just a typical young man to me, but there is some raw potential hidden in there somewhere, just not quite there yet. I'm still not sure why he got the main event though, there were some much better, and more wholesome performances on that stage throughout the day, for me this was just a bit tame.

Final Rating: 4/10   **

Metallica (Pyramid Stage)

Who says metal shouldn't headline Glastonbury, it's finally here and it sounded fucking awesome. metal fans and myself have been waiting for this moment for decades, I only wish I could of been there with the many thousands of fellow fans to share the experience. But when the torch was handed to 'Metallica' they didn't disappoint and delivered a fantastic performance. I guess you could say it was really quite a standard performance from the gods of thrash metal, I don't think you can really blame them since the majority of ticket holders at Glastonbury will be unfamiliar with their work, but I did expect a little more intensity.

Still, I'm not going to take anything away from them, they were fucking insane, they proved to me again that they are the best live band on the planet, no other band brings anywhere as near as much intensity and raw power to the stage as 'Metallica', they simply are in a class of one and every second of it feels epic. The set wasn't perfect, not by a long way, there was some questionable comments from lead man James Hetfield, who encouraged us to love one another, which is pretty rich coming from a man who hunts bears in his spare time.

But that is rather small in comparison to the perfection that was the final third of their set, it may have been one of the greatest moments in my life and the passion and energy that it was delivered is absolutely phenomenal, Hetfield may be 50 but he sure knows how to rock. It wasn't the best 'Metallica' concert I've ever seen but for a once in a lifetime spectacle it was absolutely mesmerizing, and whether it will pave the way for more metal headliners is another question, but this was certainly a huge moment in the history of rock music.

Final Rating: 9/10   ****1/2

Glastonbury 2014: Day 1 Review (Friday)

Glastonbury 2014: (27/06/14)

It's that time of year when the music circus moves to Worthy Farm in the Somerset Levels and with it comes what is essentially the biggest music festival on the planet. The opening day of this years event was plagued by violent thunderstorms that did affect some groups performances, but in spite of that here is my opinion on Friday's major performers.

The War on Drugs (Pyramid Stage)

'The War on Drugs' are a relatively unknown indie rock band that are originally from Philadelphia where they formed in 2005. They've never really had any mainstream success, but they decided to hop across the pond and managed to get a date at the pyramid stage. On the face of things it isn't difficult to see why they've never taken off, they don't really have a lot of charisma, they look like something that's managed to escape from Jeremy Clarkson's basement, it's a hideous array of double denim and prog rock that really belongs in 1987.

There performance really wasn't bad, it was a nice change of pace from what we usually see from other bands and their slow, almost psychedelic pace felt right at home in the heart of Somerset. I was pleasantly surprised by a number of their songs, namely 'Red Eyes' which is a really well put together song and is a good example of how pacing can really lift an otherwise average piece. Their set did get quite stale at times but when it got around to the big songs they didn't fail to deliver, a good start to Glastonbury from an unexpected source.

I would also like to personally recommend this groups latest album 'Lost in the Dream' which really is a terrific album considering the state of indie rock in recent years, and these guys definitely deserve a lot more credit than they get, if you don't get what I mean then just listen to 'Under the Pressure', it's just eight minutes of musical excellence.

Final Rating: 7/10   ***1/2

Blondie (Other Stage)

It's not been a secret that I really do quite like Blondie, her fusion of new wave and punk sounded extremely good back in the day and her discography is littered with excellent songs, some of which I'm hoping to here in her set. I should also mention that as a group Blondie have been around since the early 70's and Debbie Harry is 68, this of course is something you're instantly reminded of during her performance, she just can't hit those notes like she used to, which is a real shame as it did affect the majority of the songs she performed on the playlist.

If I am completely honest I did feel a little bit let down by this performance, I knew she was getting on a bit, but I just expected more, her vocals didn't really affect classics such as 'Heart of Glass' or 'One Way or Another' which was nice to see, but others such as Atomic were really put down by her. She still performed with the same vibrant energy she's always had, but something just felt missing, it really wasn't the same. It's a shame, but I suppose it was a predictable shame.

Final Rating: 4/10   **

Jungle (John Peel Stage)

Jungle are an up and coming soul band from West London, they definitely have a lot of hype surrounding them and it's easy to see why, as they do produce a very unique sound that certainly separates them from the rest of the market. To be honest their set probably looked nicer than it sounded, it wasn't by any means a bad set but once you got past the first few songs it quickly became quite repetitive. I feel a variety of different songs are needed for a good overall performance and I just didn't get that from 'Jungle'. It was good but it failed to leave any sort of mark that maybe it should have.

Final Rating: 6/10   ***

De La Soul (Pyramid Stage)

'De La Soul' are a rap group that first debuted about 25 years ago, to be honest I'm surprised most of the crowd even remembered them let alone sing along to their rather limited work. But a lot of fans did turn up, and boy did they play on that, on every single number it was just endless crowd participation, they even got the security guards involved. I feel this may have actually hurt the performance in the end, there was a lack of real music and it just felt like they were doing this on their day off. It wasn't a great performance, but then this really isn't my cup of tea.

Final Rating: 4/10   **

Rudimental (Pyramid Stage)

Why do 'Rudimental' get so much hype, it's always seemed to me that it was just a few overly excited yobs prancing around the stage for no reason, and that was exactly what I got from their performance. To be fair though they did pull out their joker for this one, that is special guest Ed Sheeran, which I'm sure is exciting if you're 13, to put it lightly I wasn't exactly hyped. When you get past all this facade all you're left with is basic and dry rubbish that really doesn't vary like it should no matter how many instruments they try and include, try is the key word there, it still sounds rubbish.

Thankfully their set was cut short by the lightning, which actually became more exciting than them, which says a lot for their performance. It seems no matter how many songs you try and ruin with pointless drum and bass it will never be as cool or entertaining as thunder and lightning. From 'Rudimental' we learn one of the many lessons of music, having more people on the stage won't make it sound any better, and this sounded like an overcrowded mess.  

Final Rating: 2/10   *

Lily Allen (Pyramid Stage)

Christ if it wasn't for stupid Christmas adverts nobody would know who she was, but she somehow got herself a date on the pyramid stage, and I still can't think of a reason to give a single shit. I will say that I very much like her personality, she's not afraid to speak her mind, and I respect her for that. That's really the only positive thing I have to say for her, the performance was very standard, no real new material and it was just a bit of the same old Lily we've been getting for a while now, and for me it's becoming a bit stale.

That's not to say there wasn't some high points, one notable moment was when she asked the audience if you could see her cameltoe, which you could at some stages due to her rather revealing dress, not that she really does anything for me as I personally don't find her that attractive. 'Fuck You' was another interesting moment, giving the two finger salute to Sepp Blatter of all people was definitely an interesting choice, I've no idea what Sepp Blatter actually has to do with the song, but to me it just seemed a bit unnecessary. I know that was supposed to have shocked me but it really didn't, to me it was just a bog standard set.

Final Rating: 4/10   **

Elbow (Pyramid Stage)

'Elbow' is another band I have never understood the love for, they just don't excite me in any way, my first thoughts when they where announced for Glastonbury was initial despair, and I'm pretty sure that's because the only reason they're popular is because of one song, and now everyone seems to love them. But to my surprise I actually found myself quite enjoying their performance at some stages, it certainly helped that they walked on with a pint, now there's a person I can look up to, he didn't want to waste a perfectly good point, points deducted if it's lager though. The whole set just felt generally good, it really was a feel good moment, everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves and I couldn't help but feel happy as well watching at home on my pathetic computer screen, you know I wouldn't have actually minded being there and then admitting that I went to an 'Elbow' concert.

Another surprise was that their signature song 'One Day Like This' was actually executed very well, it was a fitting finale from what had been a very good set from the men who look like they're the sort of people you would borrow a lawnmower from. It was a nice change from Lily Allen, who was exactly the opposite of this.

Final Score: 6/10   ***

Paolo Nutini (Other Stage)

Oh blimey, here's a name from the musical morgue, and it's easy to see why, the less said about his performance the better. His signature voice was predictably annoying and it seemed to just meander through what was a terrible playlist of songs, not a single one was memorable in any way. I mean just look at him, he's like a charisma vacuum, just sucking it all out of the room, and as a result his set was incredibly dull. I don't think there is any reviving this mans career, and I don't think that's such a bad thing.

Final Rating: 1/10   1/2*
 
Skrillex (Other Stage)

Hooray, it's just got a hell of a lot worse, they've finally reached the lowest of the low. The biggest twat in the history of the world has just arrived, fantastic, he may even bring all his moronic fans with him. We will now get to see a masterclass in pressing the play button, no artist is as musically gifted as this moron. Mmm, and he lays down some sick beats, which mesmerizes all the cocks in the crowd, although that's probably an easy thing to accomplish, just holding a mirror would have pleased those intolerable assholes.

There is one thing I won't criticize, and that's the staging, the spaceship really did look quite awesome and I can't think of a better place to plug in your laptop. That's it though, playing the same annoying shit over and over again for no reason doesn't deserve any credit, neither does anyone who attended who should be ashamed of themselves. Suddenly genocide just doesn't seem like a bad option. 

Final Rating: 1/10   1/2*

Arcade Fire (Pyramid Stage)

So here it is, the main event of the evening, and it's good news, a ridiculously overrated crappy Canadian export is exactly what I wanted to close out the evening. Oh and just look at him, it's like watching a budget performance of 'Adam & The Ants', not taking away anything from them who I would much rather see than this. I just really don't get the hype over this band, their set just proved to me that there really isn't much talent on display here, the annoying vocals and underwhelming songs just confuse me even more as to their immense popularity.

Overall in my eyes it was nowhere near an epic finale that should cap off a major music festival. it just didn't feel epic at any stage and relied more on sleek visuals than actual technical quality. It was certainly not the worst performance I've ever seen, it was certainly paced well and the atmosphere was exceptional, but watching it just felt like a bit of a chore. no matter how many times I try and tell myself that they're talented I just can't help but hate theme even more.

Final Rating: 3/10   *1/2

Top 10 Worst War Movies of All Time

Worst War Movies

I have already covered my ten favorite war films, and so now it is time for the worst. It should be pointed out that some of the films on this list aren't necessarily bad films, they just fail in general at being war movies. 

#10 Iron Eagle (1986)   (4/10)

We start off with a fictional story based on the 1981 Sidra incident, and I think based is the key word there as it's quite clear that nobody gave a single shit about the actual facts during the whole production. The attention to detail in this film is simply pathetic, I cannot believe that throughout the whole filming process nobody bothered to mention the flawed plot and the fact that they were using the wrong planes. It's quite hard to be an F16 pilot when you're given Mirages, which are French. There are many other fatal flaws to this film, namely that a teenage boy is allowed to fly a 14.6 million dollar fighter jet without a G Suit, they may loose a few points for realism there.

Of course I would expect the lack of care to be rectified with fast paced and gripping action sequences, again we don't get this, we get a few generic and mundane dogfights that are pretty much identical to the last one, and couple this with the dreadful and unbelievable dialogue and you have the recipe for one very bad film.

#9 The Annihilators (1985)   (2/10)

This isn't necessarily a flawed plot, just an incredibly bad one. The film takes place on the urban streets of America when some veterans return from fighting in Vietnam to find their streets in chaos due to gang violence. They of course take it upon themselves to cleanse the problem in no way at all similar to 'The A Team', of which this film ludicrously rips off. I don't honestly think this film would be so bad if it wasn't for how it compares with the genuine product. The A Team are witty and awesome, where as these guys are just annoying and lack any sort of charisma, they have no personalities and any lines they do speak are delivered poorly and have no impact on the film.

It hovers over the category of 'so bad it's funny' but never quite makes it, meaning we end up with a really terrible film, the fun and games just try and overshadow the fact that absolutely nothing happens throughout the whole thing. It just feels like a B movie, but leaves no impression on the viewer throughout its entirety.

#8 Green Zone (2010)   (6/10)

This is our first real blockbuster and it comes all the way from Baghdad in 2003, in what was known as The Green Zone. This is certainly not a bad film to watch, there are some parts where it actually becomes quite enjoyable, but what this fails at most is being a war film. Every possible moment seems to be filled with loud and pointless explosions which definitely look great, however they have absolutely no meaning and create an artificial interpretation of war. This reliance on explosions is shown by the poor character development, Matt Damon just ends up being another soldier and I really couldn't care less about him.

The other thing that annoys me is the overly political script and plot. There is just so much politics crammed into every scene that in the end it just becomes a hindrance. The film essentially glorifies war to aspiring teenagers and teaches viewers that America is great in a very loud and annoying manner, in what is the bottom rung of the ladder in terms of creativity. To some extent this film is a lot like Call of Duty. 


#7 The Green Berets (1968)   (2/10)

Oh don't you just love propaganda, but it never really gets mentioned when America do it, funny that. I mean I criticized our last entry for being political, but it has nothing on this. The film is set in Vietnam during the Tet Offensive, and that is the only bit of historical accuracy in the entire movie, unfortunately though that isn't really significant as it could've been set anywhere and it would be practically an identical film. This must come as an insult to the veterans of the Vietnam War who fought with their lives in the name of their own country and now have to watch an inaccurate and manipulated version of the actual events. This film doesn't show the horrors of war, it glorifies it.

What annoys me most is even after you get over the political nature of it, the rest is just as bad. There really isn't any pacing throughout the film, it just stages a few one sided battles between the forces of good and the forces of evil, obviously with the good guys winning against all the odds, and that makes for a really boring and predictable film. I have to say that there really isn't anything else to review about this film, there really isn't any deep meaning in any of it, and none of the characters are ever explored, it really is just a middle finger to the general public. Having said that, the film isn't all bad, it did spark the reaction of many other aspiring authors which would later become the films 'Platoon' and 'Full Metal Jacket', so I suppose some good did come from it. 

#6 Saving Private Ryan (1998)   (5/10)

'The greatest ever war movie', bullshit. It's definitely not a bad film, but completely fails as a war film. Unfortunately this has built up the reputation as one of the all time greats, but let's face it, when you think about it does this film really deserve that status? First of all the plot really isn't very good, a mother's son has to be rescued because Abraham Lincoln said so. I'd like to think warfare might have changed a bit since his death and so I don't think he is really in a position to make a decision here. Maybe I would actually care about saving Private Ryan if it wasn't for the fact that he might just be the most boring soldier in the whole of the US army, it's also not very exciting when the Americans are portrayed as the predictable heroes, easily taking out whole units of the SS, which if they had bothered to read history books would find out that in no way is that an easy task.

I don't even particularly like Tom Hanks' performance, I think he makes a dull commander and his speeches are so cliche and stereotypical that it really just gets annoying. However I will praise the opening third which is a fantastic, if eccentric depiction of war. Although I can't help feeling that this is a distraction from the weak plot, with the viewer constantly being reminded of that epic scene, which they need to be as the climax is annoying and departs from any sense of realism this film might have had, which wasn't very much. If you look past the brilliant score and excellent opening scenes then you really can see the many fatal flaws that this film has, still not bad enough to be in the top five though.

#5 The Finest Hour (1991)   (2/10)

This is so painfully bad that I feel violently ill just looking at the poster, it looks like some holiday advert for the homosexual community, not that I have anything against gay cruises. The story here is that two soldiers become best friends but when a woman comes between them it all starts to kick off, and when I say kick off I really mean that nothing actually happens. I don't really know what else I can say apart from that this is a predictably terrible love story that comes with horrible one liners and dialogue that just makes you cry a little inside.

If you haven't quite guessed it yet this film presents a terrible version of war, or lack of war to be more precise, it just ends up being a load of flowery bullshit that would look crappy for a romantic comedy, yet alone a war movie. The rest, well it's predictably 80's with annoying music and a hideous look, even the nightclub scenes are utterly repulsive, which is strange for a film that came out a decade after that was cool. But to be fair, at least with this one you get what you expect.

#4 Rambo III (1988)   (2/10)

The first clue that this is a terrible film is that this is the third one, and that virtually nothing has changed throughout the three films, it's just a lot of things blowing up for no reason. I guess I quite enjoyed the original Rambo, it was a very basic but mildly entertaining action flick that at least was quite enjoyable to watch, this isn't. The film is set in Afghanistan where Sylvester Stallone has to rescue his captured boss, that means he joins The Taliban, yes you read that correctly, and well you can guess the rest, things blow up for no reason.

The plot is probably what annoys me the most about this. First of all it's really weak and basic, it does get very predictable in some scenes, and even more so as it doesn't vary from its predecessors in any way. The other reason is that things just happen for no reason, they show you soviet attacks on Afghan villages but never tell you why, apparently they just do it for the fun and games. This is a completely brainless film.

#3 Inchon (1981)   (1/10)

This of course is the infamous attempt to create a film by none other than Sun Myung Moon, who is the maniac behind The Unification Church who are famed for their mass weddings, a man with zero experience in cinema and so you can guess how this one goes. The first flaw comes from the fact that this is supposed to be a historically accurate account of the battle of Inchon during the Korean War. Of course it really isn't, the American are depicted as heroes and the enemy don't even get a single line throughout the whole film, so it's not really an accurate depiction of war.

The killer blow was that this cost 46 million dollars, and it looks like absolute shite. They bothered to hire great actors like Laurence Olivier but then blow all of that away with a terrible script that gives us boring, one dimensional characters that really ruins the point in having an all star cast, which is a great shame as Olivier is a terrific Shakespearean actor. This is meant to be a historical epic, but it's just a deluded and laughable interpretation of war.

#2 The Patriot (2000)   (1/10)

More propaganda for you yanks, and it's doing what you love best, telling the British to shove it up their ass. We go all the way back to The American Revolution for this one, and so of course with a title like that it was an instant hit in America. What helped it more was that the British where inaccurately depicted as violent war criminals throughout, which an educated historian will tell you is absolute bollocks. My favorite scene has to be where the evil British are seen burning down a church, which makes perfect sense despite the fact that the British have the same religion, what would be the point in that? It would be like me burning down the studio for Rockstar Games.

What this film is, if anything, is a cheap rip off of the previously successful 'Braveheart'. Of course that wasn't praised for its accuracy, but that's like a history textbook compared to this shambles. But what annoys me about this the most is that it keeps trying to build up for epic moments that never actually arrive. The annoying score wants to make you think they have, but really this film is very dull. You would think they might even get the battles right, but no they are also really dull and offer nothing different from any ordinary film. This really is as one dimensional as they come, and it really doesn't deserve any credit.  

#1 Pearl Harbor (2001)   (0/10)

Is this really a war film? probably not, although I think the question should be is it really anything, as it appears shit from which ever angle you look at it from. This is another example of how war and romance really don't mix, I guess you could say 'Top Gun' almost got it right but that was never really meant to be taken seriously, unfortunately this was. It's meant to be a dramatic retelling of the Pearl Harbor story, of course when I say dramatic I really mean utter bullshit as this is another one sided story of American triumph, if you want a realistic depiction of war then I suggest you watch 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' because you sure as hell ain't gonna get it here.

Michael Bay manages to successfully outdo himself by going to another level of crap, all the Bay shitprints are littered throughout this film and although the special effects do look nice they are only a distraction for the dreadful romance subplot and overall dull nature of the film. The romance plot is so bad that I actually wish I had been killed at Pearl Harbor so I didn't have to sit through all that crap, which isn't really fair on the actual casualties, they don't deserve to be represented by an artificial and tainted version of the real events. They certainly don't want to be represented by annoying, stereotypical actors that chuck out shitty one liners that inevitably leads to a terrible depiction of conflict, and an utterly insulting film.

Music Review: Ultraviolence (Album)

Lana Del Rey - Ultraviolence

This is a review for the latest album on one of pop's newest sensations, who seems to go from strength to strength, and I for one still can't work out why. But maybe now is a chance for who I have previously described as bland to impress me, as difficult as that is. It definitely starts well, Ultraviolence is a good and powerful title, but maybe not the ideal title for a pop album. Punk maybe, but when the cover is Lana polishing her own fucking car in black and white you just get the sense that the title really doesn't fit, and that really nothing has changed and it will be another bland album. This actually came as a surprise, Lana had previously said that she wasn't planning on making another album due to regular criticism of her previous work, which if you ask me is a pretty pathetic excuse, the only way you can improve is through criticism and it's just something that comes with her high profile figure, and her response to that is just to give up. But here we are, something persuaded her to release it, that something almost certainly being money, and so can Lana finally take her music to the next level?

Having a look at the song list it becomes apparently clear that this is a rather dark and negative album, definitely not many cheery titles in the mix, something that maybe we have become accustomed to over the years with Lana. What is nice to see though is the fact that she actually bothered to write them herself, there is some other input from outside sources but at the heart of all the songs is her name. This is something that for some reason is missing from the more artificial artists in recent years and so maybe we will be getting songs from a more personal stance in this album, and that hopefully will give it meaning.

I will now pick out the feature songs from this album and then rate the album as a whole.

Ultraviolence

This is the title track for the album and so obviously I'm expecting something big and memorable, unfortunately that doesn't quite happen, instead we get a rather dull and forgettable song that really doesn't appeal to me at all, and doesn't reflect the title in the slightest. It is really the typical Lana failed romance story that we have become used to and so this doesn't feel special at all, it's just not very original. One thing I will praise though is the excellent job on recording. Black Keys member Dan Auerbach does an excellent job, which is a shame as the songs quality really doesn't merit his performance. I will also praise the lyrics, they certainly are very powerful and do carry at least some meaning, however I think this meaning is lost through the lumbering pace of the song. This is unfortunately just a title track that feels uninspired and very dull, not a particularly good start.

Rating: 3/10

Shades of Cool

I am happy to report that this is much better, I really think Lana has understood her mistakes from the title track and this is everything that Ultraviolence should have been. Again we get this very dark theme for the song, however this time it works a lot better due to the song being well paced and the recording being of a very high standard. The guitar solo is also very nice, this is a feature that most modern songs seem to fall flat on but this time we get a nicely paced and executed solo that fits right in with the genre. However at the end of the song I still feel that there is something missing, it may be at a technically high standard but it really should feel a lot more epic and powerful than it actually does, it just seems to me that she hasn't quite pulled it off. If anything it ends up feeling like a Bond soundtrack, which I'm pretty sure is not the message I'm supposed to be getting from it, but it is still definitely an improvement on the title track.

Rating: 6/10

Brooklyn Baby

This was the sleeper hit of the record for me, I really didn't expect anything before listening to this, it just sounded like a dull title and the cover looked like the generic rubbish that has haunted her previous work. But to my surprise it was actually quite good, very good in fact. Lana has finally got the balance between haunting, dark lyrics and a song that doesn't feel empty. The feeling I got from this song was far greater than any of the others, it's just a nice break from the endless doom and gloom. I'm not going to start claiming this as the greatest song of all time, it's far from that, but what it is is an exceptionally paced song that really stands out from the rest of the album, it just sounds genuinely good, and it even pokes fun at hipsters, an added bonus from an already good song.

Rating: 8/10

West Coast

I have already reviewed this single, so for an in depth analysis please read that. In short I didn't like this song at all, it' really dull from start to finish and the lyrics end up sounding like a holiday advert and have virtually no meaning. While the previous song was a genuine pleasure to listen to, this is the direct opposite, it feels stripped out and lacks any real substance for it to be any good. A very disappointing song.

Rating 2/10


The rest of the songs on the album certainly aren't terrible, but they're not really noteworthy. There's certainly nothing particularly wrong with them, but in the end they just fall flat and really don't stand out from the crowd. It probably doesn't help that they all center around the same subject, that is that all women are evil and every single relationship will not work. Not really the best of topics, especially when every single song seems to be about that, which really doesn't make sitting through the album any easier.


My final thoughts on this album are that at the end of the day it's just a bit monotonous, there really isn't a variety of material that makes listening to it a joy. I certainly wouldn't choose to sit through it because after a rather short period of time it just ends up becoming very dull and there really isn't an epic song that can break that streak. Don't get me wrong there are certainly good examples of pleasurable songs that occasionally pop up but many of them fail to leave any sort of lasting impact. I will definitely give the album credit for originality, there isn't anything like it in the charts at the moment and so that is refreshing to see, but we don't really get Anthony Burgess' vision of ultraviolence in the end, just some minor inconveniences.

Final Rating: 5/10   **1/2

Morons of The Internet: PETA (14/06/14)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

In this edition we have an article for a campaign that was launched by PETA that links dairy products to autism, to be honest this is genuinely unbelievable, how people can still support PETA after this is beyond me.

Got Autism? Learn About the Link Between Dairy Products and the Disorder
(http://www.peta.org/features/got-autism-learn-link-dairy-products-disease/)

Science isn't really PETA's strong point, this article proves that, and it also shows that their followers are willing to believe anything. This article instantly strikes me as bullshit because they actually admit that themselves, they claim "More research is needed". So of course at this point there really isn't a story here, at the moment there is certainly no clear link between dairy products and autism and so why this campaign even exists is another matter, but of course it does exist because followers of PETA tend to be narrow minded, gullible morons.

But don't just take their word for it, no they've got some anonymous sources for us. Why are they anonymous you might ask, probably because they don't exist, either that or PETA are scared that their sources will be verified and only then will it be discovered that their account was bullshit. Of course they also have another two studies to prove their claim, however the number of samples in total is only 56, a pathetic amount. Their main source concerns only 20 samples which even a GCSE Science student will tell you is nowhere near enough to produce any kind of reliable result. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12168688)

But the best part is that this study actually destroys their claim even further. It shows that gluten, which of course is found in wheat and similar grains, is just as effective as the casein in the dairy products. So really PETA have no story here, there is now even scientific evidence to prove that their claim is utter bollocks, and for a charity to be deceptive towards their patrons is very low, even for PETA. I just find it so hypocritical that a charity who exists primarily for welfare reasons would actively bully and influence its members, especially the parents of children with autism who have probably been through a lot in their life and so are going to be manipulated quite easily by a story like this. It seems in PETA's world animals should be treated ethically, but as for humans, we'll give them a lobotomy of crap.

My main concern with this claim is that even basic logic can fathom their stupidity. We all know that a lot of children in the world are autistic, we also know that a lot of children in the world drink dairy products, and so of course there is going to be a positive correlation as the majority of autistic children will also drink dairy products, that's just basic statistics. Before this study I was never a fan of PETA, but when a charitable organization goes to these lows to just lie to their members it really pisses me off. But maybe I shouldn't be annoyed, since when have PETA done anything with their wild claims, they will just make a few posters and do nothing else. They are truly deserving of being morons of the internet. 

Top 10 War Movies of All Time

Top 10 War Movies

The horror of war is a difficult one to depict, many directors have tried and many have failed, but when it all comes together the product can be simply breathtaking, and one of the greatest spectacles you will ever witness. Here are a few honorable mentions that just missed the list:

Letters From Iwo Jima (2006): A very nice representation of war, but the rest of the film is just a bit bland and lacks any real punch that could land it in the top 10.
Saving Private Ryan (1998): The first third of this film is excellent, the rest is a horrible cliche of over dramatized and pretentious bullshit that ruins the chance of this film having any sense of a strong narrative or realism.
The Hurt Locker (2008): Won the best picture award for a good reason, but compared with other war movies on a bigger budget it still leaves a lot to be desired.

#10 Tora Tora Tora (1970)   (7/10)

There have been many terrible movies centered around Pearl Harbor over the years, but this isn't one of them. Instead of going for the usual 'America is amazing' approach, this film goes for the complete opposite, depicting Americans as blundering morons, which is probably why it was a flop at the box office. The film tells the story of both the preceding events and the impacts on the American and Japanese sides of the Pearl Harbor story.

The film does tend to ponder and meander about in the beginning, I wouldn't be surprised to hear you say it was dull, but when the action sequences come later in the film you realise that this earlier pace was necessary to create a very accurate and technical interpretation of the events, even if there are a few historical Inaccuracies. The film also looks very good, even for 1970, the special effects are expertly done and the sound effects seem better than in the majority of films today. There definitely isn't any reliance on flashy looks, the director knows when and how to employ nice looking visuals to accompany what is an accurate representation of war. No stupid pathetic love triangles, this is just the cold hard truth, even if it takes a while to get there.

#9 The Dambusters (1955)   (8/10)

A brilliant tale based on the real life story of the bouncing bomb, and so as you would expect this film is very patriotic, and very realistic as well, you can certainly tell that it's a British film, something completely different from the likes of Hollywood blockbusters with huge budgets and massive pointless explosions. I simply love the technical elements of this film, everything is filmed with pinpoint precision, that means it includes realistic aircraft that where piloted by real pilots in order to make this film seem as accurate as possible, it sometimes fells like a documentary rather than an actual drama.

There are two standout moments that put this film on the list. The first being the brilliant ending, a sour note to end on what has been a film of great triumph. The final shot is Gibson walking away to 'write a few letters' to the victims of the many casualties suffered, showing that even in times of jubilation there is still misery for some. The final, and probably most famous reason is the absolutely epic soundtrack, is anything quite as powerful as the Dambuster's March? It quite simply is one of the greatest pieces of music in the history of the world, and caps of what is a very good film.

#8 The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)   (8/10)

This film is actually a work of fiction, but based on the real life events on the building of the Burma Railway during WW2. On paper this film doesn't sound particularly great, the overall premise is based around pensioners plotting to blow up a bridge, not exactly gripping. But the thing is that this actually works very well, the plot is very suspenseful and is paced exceptionally well right up until the fitting finale which doesn't fail to disappoint.

Probably the standout role is that of Alec Guinness, who unfortunately isn't playing Obi Wan Kenobi, but instead the role of officer Nicholson, which actually might be his best role ever, even above Star Wars. He really captures the essence of a British commanding officer and the viewer really gets a connection between themselves and the cast, even though it may be a fictional story it still seems real to the viewer, the whole film is just technically brilliant, it really was a film very far ahead of its time.

#7 Where Eagles Dare (1968)   (8/10)

This film might be slightly weaker than the other candidates, it definitely doesn't have any 'epic' or standout moments like the others, but what this film does have over the others is an amazing soundtrack. The Ron Goodwin composed piece is like nothing else, it really does make the film, an exquisite piece that outshines the rest of the film.

Having said that, the film certainly isn't terrible, it's very well paced and there is certainly a climax, although maybe not on the same scale as the others on this list. There is also a very well constructed plot that incorporates many twists for what is essentially a very simple premise. This film has gained a classic status over the years, and for good reason. But I definitely think it should be the preferred choice over other popular films such as 'The Great Escape', because really this film eclipses them when it comes to the brilliant atmosphere it creates.

#6 Paths of Glory (1957)   (9/10)

Here comes the brownosing Stanley Kubrick segment, but seriously though that guy was a genius, and it really shows in this film. This is essentially about as anti war as a film can possibly get as Colonel Dax, who is played by Kirk Douglas, refuses to lead his troops into a suicidal assault. Douglas really is the star man of this film, his performance as the colonel is brilliantly convincing and contains some of the most powerful lines in the history of cinema, the viewer really does get a sense of isolation the character has in the juxtaposition between the trenches and the mansions of the commanders, and you too share the frustration that the colonel has.

The film really does capture the atmosphere of trench warfare, Kubrick's brilliant directing is put on display here as sweeping shots through the trenches and a fantastic pace that builds up to a brilliant, yet optimistic climax in a film ridden with death and despair. Another triumph on the stellar list of Stanley Kubrick.   

#5 The Thin Red Line (1998)   (9/10)

This fictional tale is based on the Guadalcanal campaign of the Second World War and presents what is a rather beautiful depiction of war. This means that sometimes the blood and gore are substituted for stunning visuals and areas of genuine mystery. The acting, well leaves something to be desired, I feel the characters sometimes become disjointed from the actual plot and their performances are a little unconvincing.

The film actually feels a bit like an English lesson, historical accuracies and intriguing plot are substituted for vivid imagery and symbolism, and sometimes it does just feel like you're rambling through a well paced, but unrealistic poem. I just feel that the content of this film is sometimes lacking in areas where it shouldn't be. Having said that the film excels everywhere else, the battle sequences are fantastic and the score is another Hans Zimmer masterpiece, but the big flaws stop it from entering this list any higher, which is a bit of a shame.

#4 The Deer Hunter (1978)   (9/10)

The Deer Hunter is a film about the story of three American steelworkers in the Vietnam War, and there story really takes you on a journey. Probably the centerpiece to this film is the controversial Russian Roulette sequence, this may be historically inaccurate but in terms of power and symbolism, it is in a class of its own, never in a war film have I ever felt that exhilarated after watching just one sequence. The beauty of this film is showing that anyone can be affected by war, even three generic steelworkers, and the film really does hammer home how it ruins their lives, both physically and mentally.

I don't honestly believe that I have ever seen any film that develops its characters so brilliantly, from marriage to death we see a dramatic change in all three characters, and of course the universal catalyst for this is war. What this film is, if anything, is a personal statement to the audience, a powerful epic that shows viewers the horrors of war, and this continues in to the unforgettable final moments of this film, 'God Bless America'. A genuinely amazing film.

#3 Platoon (1986)   (9/10)

Well this is about as anti war as you can possibly get. Forget 'The Deer Hunter', this is on a totally different level. This film has the advantage of having a Vietnam veteran actually directing it, that man is Oliver Stone, and Stone shows this throughout the film by substituting the stereotypical scenes of war and just showing viewers the cold, hard and brutal facts about war. Here war is completely exposed, no sugarcoating anything, the film is designed to leave a lasting impression on the audience by just showing it as it is, and it certainly does.

Don't expect heroes in this film, there aren't any, everyone is portrayed as the villain. There also isn't really a plot, the only premise of the film is to show what war does to people. The viewer really does get a sense that this is as realistic as it gets and every situation and issue is presented as dangerous and impossible to win. However the standout image for me is how the score accompanies every tragic event perfectly, it really does cap off a captivating movie that may just change your opinions of war forever.

#2 Full Metal Jacket (1987)   (10/10)

This is definitely Kubrick's best interpretation of war, even if it is presented as a dark comedy. The story is split into two halves, one at boot camp and the other on the front lines, and follows the character Joker on his realization of what war actually means and how it effects the people around him. This is represented by Kubrick with his iconic helmet shown above that reflects the duality of man. The standout section of course is the first half, which is where we find the MVP of the film, Sargent Hartman. Hartman's one liners just make this segment, and the climax is just as shocking and exhilerating as the brilliantly paced boot camp sequence. The second half is often overlooked by critics, but I enjoy it. Sure it's nowhere near as good as the first half but the content is still to the point and appropriate to the subject, and while it may not show the horrors of war like some other entries, it does show it from its own unique perspective. Oh, and then there's 'Surfin Bird'.

This film is just the pinnacle of many of Kubrick's other brilliant works, namely 'Dr. Strangelove', which is another brilliant dark comedy. However here we have a film that isn't afraid to show its anti war messages, in many dark comedies they are disguised, but here we get them through many graphic and powerful scenes. Even if this is a tale of two halves it still packs one hell of a punch, and Kubrick shows us the importance of character development in a war film.

#1 Apocalypse Now (1979)   (10/10)

I may rate 'Full Metal Jacket' higher as an overall film, I just find the premise behind it so much more complex and intriguing, but as a war film this is the better example. This film is based off of Joseph Conrad's novella 'Heart of Darkness' and tells the story of a company who have been tasked with finding Kurtz, a former marine who's gone rogue. I feel this movie can be summed up in just two words, which are also the two words that echoes through the mind of the antagonist during the conclusion. "The horror, the horror". Basically this is on a different level to Platoon, the horrors of war echo throughout the whole film and Coppola blurs the lines between right and wrong to portray war as a travesty.

Definitely the standout performers are Robert Duvall and Martin Sheen, who play a gun happy colonel and the protagonist respectively, together they string together amazing sequence after amazing sequence that are also beautifully paced and end with a fitting, if a little vague, finale. The score is also amazing, the line up is beyond belief. The Rolling Stones, The Doors, even Wagner make an appearance to create one of the best soundtracks, if not the greatest, ever. Apocalypse Now goes to a much darker place than any other war film, a place that will stay with the viewer for a long time. The message of this film is in fact even greater than the tour de force of acting and directing on display, quite simply an amazing achievement.

Blender's 50 Worst Songs of All Time: Part 2 (40-31)

Part 1: http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/blenders-50-worst-songs-of-all-time.html

#40 Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up (1991)

"These Oklahoma R&B smoothies looked like rejects from a Benetton ad and sounded like flunkies from the Keith Sweat School of Horny Jamz. This is one long string of fake falsetto moans — there’s more heat in an Herbal Essences commercial — and the imagery ranges from perplexing (“We can do it till we both wake up”) to downright unpleasant (“Makin’ love until we drown”). Not recommended for the bedroom, unless your bedroom also features leopard-print picture frames, mirrored ceilings and a five-gallon tub of Astroglide from Costco."

Ah the 90's were a terrible decade for pop music, this probably sums it up perfectly. Annoying wailing, check. Bland and generic beat, check. Pointless and ridiculous subject, check, this song has it all, unfortunately it doesn't do any of that well. Well done Blender, a song that definitely deserves to be on this list.

#39 Ricky Martin - She Bangs (2000)

"The arrangers of Ricky Martin’s follow-up to “La Vida Loca” worked with the fevered desperation of men who had been driven to the desert and made to dig their own graves at gunpoint: first with the hooting 180-piece horn section, then the percussion played by a crateful of ADD-afflicted chimpanzees, and — finally, in a last-ditch effort at the fade — a male chorus as numerous and frenzied as the Red Army Choir let loose in a Cuban whorehouse. The ingredients of its epic predecessor are all here — but it’s all wrong, and worse still, unintentionally hilarious."

Oh Ricky Martin, definitely a person who falls into the category of 'so bad he's actually quite good'. I certainly wouldn't put this on a worst song list, don't get me wrong it's definitely very bad, but it can't help but put a smile on your face, even Blender admits that and so I'm a little confused to why it actually makes their list, there's definitely a lot worse out there.

#38 Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)

"Novelty European techno is not a genre noted for its multitude of artistic high points, but “Cotton Eye Joe” may well be its nadir. A Country & Western record made by people who evidently hate C&W music with every fiber of their being, it layers a thumping beat with every hillbilly cliché known to man — twanging Jew’s harp, people shouting “yee-haw!”, bluegrass banjo, horses neighing — and then tops it off with a vocalist singing in what may be the most risible American accent ever committed to tape."

This song is the anthem of my childhood, no primary school disco was complete without this cracker. The ability to do-si-do with your fellow peers never gets old, and is always the highlight of the evening, hell even now I will still happily do it with no regrets. The whole point of this tune was that it was a fusion of country and eurodisco genres that come together to form what is essentially pure brilliance. A light hearted masterpiece, which is strange as Blender don't seemed to have cottoned (ha) on to the idea that this isn't serious. At no point throughout the whole song did I ever think that this is an accurate representation of life in rural America and therefore it must be realistic and have meaning. It's just good fun, you can't knock a song for that.

#37 Gerardo - Rico Suave (1991) 

"Long before Ricky Martin lived la vida loca, another fleet-footed, sexually ambiguous Latino star crossed over to pop-chart glory by turning an otherwise forgettable dance-pop tune into a ubiquitous and dreaded catchphrase. In the verses, this Don Juan in a bandanna boasted about his insatiable libido over a cheesy Casiotone beat, but it’s the chorus that really sticks in our cabeza: Reeeeeeeco. Suuaaaaaave. No es bueno."

No you're definitely not suave, just a bit of a bellend. This song is absolutely dreadful, there is no getting away from it. The beat is generic and has a really annoying Latino flavor to it, that annoyance being the pointless castanets, and as Blender quite correctly points out the terrible chorus that just highlights how much of an annoying and pretentious twat this greaser is.

#36 Master P - Make Em Say Uhh! (1998)

"A lot of ideas occur to people in the shower, but the hook for this Dirty South smash sounds as though someone thought it up on the toilet during a strenuous bowel movement: Master P and a small army of cronies groan “Unnngghhh” no fewer than 25 (!) times here. Rapping, P mumbles, falls behind an already wooden beat and is generally trounced by the phenomenally speedy Mystikal, who tries to pump some crunk back into the sinking ship with an eleventh-hour guest verse."

Oh god I hate young angry rappers, especially this one. Definitely the elephant in the room is the horrendous chorus, which sounds like a walrus being shot. Why would I want to make them say 'uhh'? It sounds horrible and would make me want to punch them in the face. The rest, well it's just the same old sad story that we get with the rest of annoying rap music that unfortunately makes its way into pop culture. Just why?

#35 REM - Shiny Happy People (1991)

"It’s difficult to imagine the circumstances that led R.E.M. — intelligent, literate, subtle even when rocking out — to record this. Not only is “Shiny Happy People” an annoying song, but you also get the distinct sense that it’s going out of its way to annoy you. What other explanation is there for its riff — which sounds like a cellphone ring tone chosen by a sociopath — or its lyrics, which resemble something you would force children to learn as a punishment, or the backing vocals of B-52 Kate Pierson, which defy rational description?"

Oh and Blender were doing so well, a string of justifiable songs but then this, a good song. I will certainly admit that it isn't one of REM's best, and as a great band they really have a collection of terrific songs. Nevertheless this is certainly a song that doesn't deserve to be on this list. The theme of this song is actually sarcastic, the title comes from a Chinese propaganda poster from the Tienanmen Square Protests which is certainly a significant historical event. Unfortunately nobody really got that from the song, the lyrics don't particularly give much away and so the theme is lost on this song and so it eventually became a mockery of itself. The song certainly isn't annoying, if anything it does have a killer riff that unfortunately doesn't last throughout the whole song. Never did I get the impression that it's ringtone quality, especially for sociopaths who are widely renowned for having different ringtones to everyone else, that's how the police catch them. It's just simple and very effective. 

#34 Dan Fogelberg - Longer (1979)

"Having trouble placing this song? Imagine you’re in a dentist’s chair with a 10-inch steel drill about to bore into your molars when this Muzak classic pipes in through the office speakers. The singer sounds like he could be your patchouli-scented sixth-grade history teacher, whispering politely about being in love with you longer than there have been fish in the ocean, higher than any bird ever flew. Then the violins kick in. Then you pray for the sweet, sweet relief of the drill."

Certainly not a masterpiece, not even a good song really, but what it is, if anything, is a sweet ballad that although is very cheesy is nowhere near as bad as Blender are making it out to be. The themes presented throughout the song are very weak and the metaphors presented are tedious at best, but that is overshadowed by the fact that their really isn't anything inherently wrong. Overall the song is dull, but that certainly doesn't give it a place on this list.

#33 Aqua - Barbie Girl (1997)

"Brilliant idea: Take a child’s toy, turn it into a twisted sexual fantasy (“Kiss me here, touch me there”), set it to teeth-rotting synth-pop like a robot pony kicking children to death and hawk it like Happy Meals to the under-13s. Perhaps the gambit sounded acceptable in helium-huffing singer Lene Nystrøm’s native Norwegian, but in English it’s just plain wrong. Barbie manufacturer Mattel sued, but that didn’t stop “Barbie Girl” from casting a blight on 1997. One question sprang to mind if you were unlucky enough to catch the video: Weren’t they a little old to be doing this?"

Why isn't this higher on the list? I want to remind you of where this finishes when we get onto some of our later entries. I mean Aqua where always known for their grade A piles of shite, but this was on a different level. Repetitive and annoying, this was just the epitome of crap. The thing can only get topped off by the ridiculous love story that is presented when pro douchebag and slightly rapey Ken comes round to listen to Barbie's weird sexual fantasies, despite the fact that she's made of plastic. I'm sure these sorts of themes are well understood in the Barbie community, many of the target market who are aged between about 3 and 10 are well aware of sexual acts of a slightly rapey nature. Why the hell was this ever made? And why the hell is it this low on the list?  

#32 Will Smith - Will 2K (1999)

"In 1999, the incoming millennium sent most rappers into doomsday mode, but not Will Smith. He was writing a celebration jam so wildly dorky it makes your local bar mitzvah DJ look like a member of the Strokes. Having jumped from ’hood to Hollywood, Smith can’t make the return trip: His overearnest, G-rated rhymes about fun bob along to an unlikely “Rock the Casbah” sample — you can practically see Joe Strummer wondering if he came to the right party and inching toward the exit."

Oh what better way to celebrate a millennium than rapping with this clown. I'm sorry but I just don't get the appeal of Will Smith, he's been in quite a few lackluster films and has no rapping ability whatsoever. His family are also just as bad, there must be something seriously wrong with his sperm to produce two talentless individuals who just feed off their father's success. This song just sums up Will's ability in a nutshell, it's lazy, pointless and just horrible from start to finish. It's annoying, artificial bullshit from a very annoying person.

#31 Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm (1994)

"You know that jerk at your office who can burp the alphabet? That’s the way Brad Roberts sings. On this 1994 single, his voice is a ludicrously bassy croak as he narrates supposed “slice-of-life” stories that land with a dull thud: A car hits one kid and turns his hair white; another’s covered in birthmarks; the last has genuflecting, churchgoing parents. Sure, white hair’s weird and evangelicals are weirder, but why are you telling us this? Moreover, why do you insist on humming the chorus? You sound like E.T. crossed with Barry White, dude!"

What a pathetic excuse for a song, some annoying humming. That's really all their is to the song, the whimsical verses fall incredibly flat which unfortunately just leaves us with the chorus, which is shit. I will never understand why Mr Roberts decides to try this, his voice definitely doesn't suit the song and as a result it sounds terrible. A fitting way to end what has been a decent outing for Blender, they still have been utter morons though.

Morons of The Internet: Richard Dawkins (06/06/13)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

In this edition we have an exert from one of my all time favorite human beings, Richard Dawkins, on a debate over whether children should listen to fairytales.

Dawkins debate: Should children listen to fairytales?
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-27715735)

Ah Richard Dawkins, a man who never knows when to shut up. In case you hadn't noticed Richard is not a Christian and never stops telling us about the flaws of Christianity, just endlessly shoving it down our throats. I get the fact that you don't believe in a god Richard, now just fuck off, stop judging people by their beliefs and walking around like some smug prick. This time he decides to shit all over the news by saying that fairytales shouldn't be told to impressionable children, and being as almost all children are certainly impressionable that means Richard thinks only adults should tell fairytales to each other, and even most adults are impressionable. How he is going to decide whether a child is impressionable enough for the big step of telling them a fairytale is another matter, maybe he will devise some sort of elitist chart for children. "No Timmy that quadratic equation was all wrong, no fairytales for you, but how about The Theory of Evolution".

"There is a very interesting reason why a prince could not turn into a frog. It is statistically too improbable." What a fucking moron, imagine being in the Dawkins family for Christmas. "Of course kids no presents this year as it is too statistically improbable for Father Christmas to deliver presents to everybody's house, and of course we're not celebrating a man that never existed, because that too is statistically improbable." I don't care if it is improbable, it just makes for a good story, who didn't love Christmas when they were a kid, in fact I still love Christmas to this day. You know I almost turned off 'Game of Thrones' in anger the other night as they depicted dragons in a fictional universe. But then I remembered that 'Game of Thrones' is awesome and the fact that it's improbable probably makes it better. To this day I've never got confused and thought it was real, I've never booked a holiday to Westeros because I know it doesn't exist.

To be honest it really isn't any big surprise that Richard Dawkins is being a buzzkill again, and not really a surprise that he's being a hypocrite either. If Richard Dawkins can distinguish between fact and fiction, and of course he can because if you haven't heard he doesn't believe in god, then so can any child, as although most children in Britain are gullible, they're not fucking morons like Richard Dawkins. Now where's my crisp packet, I'm off to hunt wombles in Wimbledon Common, I still haven't found any.

Morons of The Internet (03/06/14)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

This time we have a column on The Independent which is in response to one of footballer Joey Barton's comments on last week's edition of Question Time:

"Have you heard the one about four ugly girls and the sexist footballer?"
(http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/have-you-heard-the-one-about-four-ugly-girls-and-the-sexist-footballer-9462023.html)

For those of you who have not seen it yet, there it is the above.

Now Joey Barton is a footballer, not a particularly popular one and he certainly doesn't get any support from me. However on question time he seemed to be on good form, he was more aware of the current political situation than most of the panel and his contributions were to the point and overall very strong. That is of course until this comment, the exact words were: “So if I am somewhere and there were four really ugly girls, I'm thinking, 'Well, she's not the worst', because that is all you are, that is all you are to us.” Now that at a basic literary level is a metaphor, Joey is comparing the political parties in Britain to four women, and UKIP is the best of a bad bunch. I don't know where all this 'he's a sexist' comments come from, because all he's said is that four hypothetical women are ugly, not all women, not even real women, because it's just a metaphor.

Now our columnist here suddenly decides to link this innocent comment with other tragic stories in the news, all of them centered around the subject of sexism. To be honest she may as well have just pulled out a picture of Adolf Hitler and said all men are like this. The author seems to forget that comedy is an art, a subjective form of entertainment, and so she can't dictate whether a joke is funny or not, that's in the eyes of the audience, if she doesn't like a joke then she should just suck it up and quit wining, every comedian will tell you that the best jokes are based on real life and controversial situations. Not that this is a joke, remember it's just a metaphor, an innocent and valid comparison.

She then rambles on about pro feminism bollocks that has absolutely nothing to do with this issue. Joey Barton only mentioned four fictional women, not every women, just four. If this is sexism then society should view every woman as equal, that means every women looks average, who strives to be average? This column is the epitome of everything I hate about feminism, just making wild links between things that have nothing in common. What I'm basically saying is that this was an innocent comment, if you were offended by it then fine, please keep that opinion to yourself and stop crying about it over the internet, as in the end it really doesn't affect you in any way. If you'll excuse the expression, maybe she should just man up.