Hmm, It seems Demi Lovato is now being spelt Sam Bailey. Oh no wait it's my pet hate in music of stealing other people's songs caused by just a sheer lack of creativity thanks to the X Factor being a commercial whore and packaging artists way too soon and relying on just their voice to make a good song. Unfortunatley this usually works as the public are like mindless husks just because she was on TV and then consequently forgotten in five years by her 'devoted' fans. Fortunately for you Christoforge isn't a moron and therefore can see through what is essentially a popularity sham and shed some light on Britain's christmas number one single.
I will start by mentioning that the proceeds, well I say that but I bet it's about 1p, of this song go to Great Ormond Street Hospital which you may think is nice. Of course you've just fallen into commercial trap number one which is guilt. This system is effectively blackmail as it says to the public "buy this song or this kid dies". You could say that last point was harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. I just wished they had given a load of money to charity and not released this song.
They may have won over morons that easily but they picked a bad song to cover as it was only released two years ago and therefore still fresh in the mind of even the public meaning most will prefer the original version. I will say I don't particularly like the original as it sounds like Demi Lovato is trapped in a cold shower as she appears to shiver whilst singing the majority of the song. She also looks like she's in a yoghurt commercial and seems to sing two octaves too high throughout giving it that Mariah Carey feel, which is that feel when your hands are over your ears. Just because you can go that high doesn't mean you should.
Moving on to the actual song and I must say I am rather disappointed, although not surprised. What I thought would turn out to be a decent ballad is actually rather dull. The piano player must have Alzheimer's as they play the same segment over and over again until it just becomes quite boring. Sure it's sung well, very well in fact, better than the original, but as I have said many times before, the voice is only one element to a song and in order for something to be a good song it needs to have a good compilation of all the components needed to make a good song. I wouldn't complain about the lack of instruments if it fitted the genre, but this is a song about staying strong, almost a power ballad and so there is a much greater call for greater variation.
Let's analyse the lyrics:
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?
Okay, nothing really of note hear, she's obviously feeling pretty down about a previous lover and predictably it's always their fault.
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Oh no, I hate it when you break paper. I mean usually you'd tear it but this paper, no this sheet is broken. Poor metaphor. Then it seems to appear that they think skyscrapers are usually made of paper as this one is torn. Writers seemingly not understanding verbs, which is a worrying sign. The metaphor also falls apart in the fact that skyscrapers rise from the ground very slowly. It isn't really a positive that you will pick yourself up after a few years after millions of pounds have been poured into you.
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
[Chorus:]
It seems even after he made her cry, she still returns to him. I don't have sympathy for anyone who doesn't learn their lesson. No idea if windows is a euphemism as skyscrapers do have windows but not feet. Sam Bailey has feet but not windows, surely you stick to the bloody metaphor.
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
[Chorus:]
Now she wants him to leave, typical woman, always changing her mind. If you don't like being treated like shit then why the hell would you treat him like shit. Maybe there is more to this than we originally thought and Sam Bailey isn't as innocent as we thought. I don't know if the clouds are referring to cloud nine or referring to the fact that she is close to death, there isn't really a way of telling, but I'm failing to see this 'inspiration' that this song has been noted for.
Now let's see what other people thought of it, Sam W commented on Amazon:
"This woman is awful. She looks herendouz with really bad gappy teeth.
She will get nowhere and will be nowhere all year around just like the
others! Only one winner has ever came out of the fix factor and that was
Rylan. Bad like all the others!"
Well Sam, I don't know what appearance has got to do with the actual song which you are meant to be reviewing, but I doubt many people are going to be masturbating to this. To be honest I'd rather have the competition fixed than what the public votes for as I've seen what trends on Twitter and I really don't want that. Rylan is such a winner that he switched careers and now appears in television. Yep, in her opinion he's a winner, not Olly Murs with a measly 600,000 album sales, no Rylan, with zero.
An Avid Reader went on to Amazon to say:
"Right from the very start my husband and I knew Sam Bailey should be the
winner. I would put her up against Celine Dion any day, especially when
we know that she mimed quite alot of her Vegas shows. My husband has
been a singer for many years and used to teach singing lessons. He said
he could not believe that all those high notes were full voice and not
head voice. Her vocal range and power is amazing! As other comments,
please X Factor, do not let Sam just fade away like so many others.
These people audition in there thousands. They are supposed to be the
best we can find, but most are just allowed to fall by the wayside never
to be heard of again. I will be downloading her album when it is
released. Again X Factor, don't leave it so long before releasing her
album. That is why so many are just forgotten, never to be heard of
again."
Blimey I agree with her for most of this until the part she suggests rushing the album. If anything the album should be delayed so some actual good songs can be put on it, she has the potential and I'm sure she doesn't need to copy other people. The reason many X Factor contestants are forgotten is due to the lack of personality, which the judges seem to skip over. Although that doesn't really come as much of a surprise as they have the collected charisma of a wardrobe.
Overall then this really isn't the song it's been billed as, but then what do you expect from a rushed single that just copies another person. Surely somebody might think they could possibly win the X Factor and then write a song that isn't rushed and not copied to be released in time for Christmas because at the moment we are getting this crap every year.
Man, I had been waiting for this, a decade to be exact, from the brilliant SimCity 4 that unfortunately doesn't like my computer and so this game for me would be its replacement. The general gameplay is good, the zoning features are good and buildings and transport systems benefit greatly with the neat upgrade system. The new GlassBox engine is also very good, it's not amazing but it does produce some neat and pleasant visuals that add to what should be a very good overall simulation game.
However, now we come to the elephant in the corner, which you've probably all heard about. The Fucking always online connection shit. For those of you who have read some of my reviews will know that I hate this. I accept that the future of gaming will consist of these games and I do enjoy games that need this system, such as The Old Republic. But what I don't like is games that have no need for it, such as this or Assassin's Creed 2. The multiplayer is great fun but shouldn't be the key focus in a simulation game.
I also think this is quite a shallow simulation game. I love simulation games to be deep and detailed but this really isn't. The depth that the series has reached in the past with huge cities recreated in SimCity 3000 is definitely the predominant reason why I love this franchise, in this game all you get is a tiny amount of room which you can barely build a tribal village in and I'm sitting there wondering why I can't build on all the space that's been wasted. In SimCity 3000 I used to get lost in my cities they got so big.
In what has been a terrible year for EA this game just is just the tip of a large iceberg made of shit, and that iceberg better be gone before Battlefront 3 comes out or that will be another childhood series they will have ruined, and now I am going to have to wait another fucking decade for the SimCity that deserves to be on my computer, if the world hasn't upgraded to giant computers the size of buildings hoisted up on hydraulic legs, shitting on people who pay with micro transactions. Oh I can only dream.
#4 Aliens Colonial Marines
Damn, I was hyped for this, until inevitably the bad reviews came flooding in and I may have just spent 40 pounds shitting in a drain. I just love the Alien film franchise and so I was waiting for a proper game to reflect the film's sheer brilliance, so as I soon as i knew there was an Alien game coming out I jumped right on the bandwagon. That usually ends well, but I was surprised at how badly it actually went. The next surprise is that Gearbox allowed this to happen, a company with an impeccable set of credentials actually allowed what is essentially an unfinished game onto the market, even after being delayed for about 15,000 years. Sometimes I forget that I am playing a game that does appear to have been made in 2003, and even then it would seem disappointing.
The game just felt like it was made by an indie developer, it looks terrible, it plays terrible and it is terribly presented with a story that becomes very boring after the first mission. The only positive things I can think of are the fact that there are Xenomorphs, the weapons are fully customizable and the pulse rifle does sound fucking awesome, as does the soundtrack which would work on almost any other game other than this. It just saddens and frustrates me that another game has ruined something that I onced loved.
#3 Star Trek
I'm not going to lie, I don't like Star Trek, but then neither does Namco apparently as they have produced a truly shocking video game. Now, video games that derive from films are usually always terrible due to the fact that the narrative and design has to be very linear, see above, but this is a whole lot worse than usual.
If you think Aliens: Colonial Marines had glitches then oh boy you haven't played this game, just a quick play-through will result in a high number of glitches, probably due to what is a terrible engine. The visuals aren't bad but the characters seem to have been modeled in 1998 and they seem to speak like puppets. The game just feels rushed, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with the coinciding film, which just makes the game a corporate box of shit.
#2 Beyond: Two Souls
Man I hate games like this. This game is effectively a film and therefore sacrifices any sort of gameplay for cinematics. You can really tell as the gameplay is taken a huge backseat to brilliant visuals and acting with a fantastic score and then just forgetting about good gameplay. The game doesn't really know what it is and that is my biggest problem with it.
I liked Heavy Rain a lot as it still had good gameplay coupled with the cinematic excellence and decisions that actually mattered, the interactivity was also good and at no point felt parrot like, but this game is just poorly constructed with no attempt at actual decent gameplay. The choices you make are so minor that they seemingly don't matter in the end scenario and that is what I hate about this game. If Quantic Dream keep making stuff like this, then at least draw some attention to the gameplay, after all it is a fucking game.
#1 Candy Crush Saga
I know I am cheating slightly as this was released in late 2012 but didn't reach peak popularity until 2013, so it's staying.
This, I'm not even going to call it a game, thing, is just everything I hate about video games and somehow, despite the fact it was seemingly made for morons, is the most popular game on Facebook. It just doesn't make sense, what is so fun about crushing candy in a not at all challenging way. I am a fan of the puzzle genre and cleverly constructed puzzle games such as Tetris can be great fun but this is so poorly constructed and fucking basic it makes me want to end my life. Has the human race really got to a stage where it now thinks crushing candies in a basic sequence with zero rewards is fun, if so then roll on the nuclear holocaust.
Every year there is this new fucking game that takes on this style, a limited life system, with micro-transactions plastered left, right and center. Unfortunately the fans of this game are too moronic to work out that this is a scam and so therefore pour hundreds of pounds into buying more lives. If you do play this game occasionally then I won't judge you, but if you decide to invite me every two fucking seconds on social networking sites then I certainly will. Every fucking day somebody different wants to me play Candy Crush and every day my friend list gets gradually shorter. Maybe I should be grateful for this game as every year these sorts of games are released it makes my job a hell of a lot easier to decide which is the worst game of the year. But fuck me.
Undoubtedly the best sports series of all time beginning with NHL 94, which is arguably the best sports game of all time, this edition of the series tries to recreate the same flawless features that the classic had 20 years ago. I only really buy annual games when the changes are significant and this entry into the series brings with it multiple changes to improve from the rather lackluster performance of 13.
The thing I love about this game is the two brilliant engines, the physics engine that has been duplicated from the FIFA franchise that now makes fights and hits feel more realistic, if a little arcadey, and the main engine that makes the game feel as smooth and efficient as it has ever been. The main gameplay changes come in the form of a revamped Be A Pro mode that now gives you real life situations that affect gameplay, it's a great little touch that stops the career from becoming stale. The other main addition is the NHL 94 mode that plays out identically to the classic, it's a fun feature that really does recreate the brilliance of the original title.
The commentary is also the best of any sports franchise. Gary Thorne & Bill Clement have a seemingly endless pot of lines that really add to the hockey experience. My only criticism is the usually brilliant soundtrack. This year the songs are barely recognizable and all sound very poor including some of the worst songs I have heard all year. Having said this the game is still brilliant fun to play. Another stunning entry into a brilliant franchise that just keeps improving.
#4 Surgeon Simulator
I can't remember ever playing a game that was this much fun, the dark but hilarious take on being a surgeon is so basic but so much fun all at the same time. The game is really easy to begin with but the difficulty even when performing the most simplest of tasks makes the game so much more entertaining. I also love the attention to detail, it's just simple thing like getting high when accidentally leaning on a needle or being able to write on a notepad with a pen that improves the overall experience. It's just one of those games that are so fun to play at a really low cost, a genuine gem from an unlikely source.
#3 Prison Architect
This may come as a surprise as even I will admit that this game is far from perfection, but the great thing about this game is that it is still in Alpha and so therefore incomplete. This is my reasoning for putting this entry so high on my list, for its potential. The game makes the seemingly boring task of prison building into a genuinely fun and engaging experience, giving me a nostalgic feel that reminds of classic episodes of Porridge (which was actually filmed in my hometown of Chelmsford). When this game is completed it will surely become one of the greatest PC games in recent years as even under heavy development it is a simple but yet quite complex simulation of prison life.
The game reminds me of Theme Hospital with it's playing style and I often find that they both produce the same amount of enjoyment, let's hope that the often rocky road of development doesn't hinder the potential that this game has and take it off my list.
#2 GTA V
A seemingly obvious choice as anyone will agree that this game is brilliant. You may be wondering why this isn't number one and that is predominantly because for me it didn't push the boat out as much as GTA IV. I feel the game was almost played safe in many ways with a predictable campaign and rather stereotypical characters. Rockstar didn't help with their endless promises that of course ended up not happening (damn, I wanted Radar Love) and then making up an excuse like that it would ruin the games' economy despite the fact the game didn't have an economy yet as that was something else we were promised and STILL haven't got. Despite all this there is no doubt that the game is a fantastic achievement and still great fun to play on a huge map that looks insanely good with a huge amount of effort gone into every single inch of the map. It really does bring the best out of the current gen consoles and makes every use of processing power to create a truly spectacular game.
I just feel that as good as this game is it is lacking in storyline. GTA IV made me care about the characters, so much that I would accept Roman's endless bowling invitations and everyone felt unique, it was truly a diverse and unpredictable storyline that kept to the realistic setting of GTA. Five just gives me three quite dull and predictable characters that really don't interest me. The internet may be raving about Trevor but in reality all he does is hinder the storyline, just endlessly arguing with Michael for 15 minutes at a time that doesn't go anywhere or achieve anything, and the characters are given limited back story and are nowhere near unique or diverse as their GTA IV counterparts.
Despite these small floors I still love the basic concept of the game, the constant attention to detail and customization really make the game feel special. In addition the heist missions are truly spectacular and my only criticism of them would be the game doesn't feature enough and the meantime is spent endlessly roaming around the desert in seemingly directionless missions. I also love the many easter eggs scattered around the map that really do make you want to explore the world more. None of the vast space on the map has gone to waste with every area teeming with secrets and random events that just eat away into the many hours I spent playing the game.
This truly is a landmark moment in gaming and certainly one of the best games of the year. It is definitely an overrated title but the floors are small in comparison to what is a brilliant overall game, just not quite good as number one (or Red Dead Redemption, sequel please Rockstar).
#1 Papers, Please
Man that comma annoys me in the title, it just doesn't fit in, and that is my only criticism of a superb game, the only game for me that could beat GTA hands down and it comes from the most unlikely culprit. It is amazing how such a simple concept of a game can be presented in such a way, I urge you all to play this, it is truly remarkable.
It follows such a simple system that on any normal game would seem rather dull, but what this game does is turn this basic system into a brilliant experience that deals with real world problems such as corruption. The beauty in this game is the fact that you don't realise you're corrupt, it just gradually plays with your mind until before you even realise you're more corrupt than Robert Mugabe.
This game has a sense of immersion I have never experienced in a game before that really makes you think about modern politics. It is genuinely amazing that a game this good comes from a desk job as its sole setting.
2013 has been a very bad year for music, it's just the same old crap coming out over and over again with just a sheer lack of creativity. There are so many songs I want to put on my list but there are just too many, so I made a few ground rules. A song will be disqualified from the list if it is a comedy song, a viral song or unheard of. These are a few of the songs that just missed out:
Bruno Mars - Treasure: Just awful, tasteless, shallow and very annoying. Bruno Mars just needs to fuck off in my opinion. Katy Perry - Roar: Insanely annoying and overplayed, and those bloody ah ah ah noises during the chorus are just insufferable. Cher Lloyd - I Wish: This is the usual crap that spurts out of this annoying brats mouth. She has not produced one song that would even be considered average yet. It's disqualified due to the fact that it only reached a painful 117th in the US charts.
Without further ado let's begin.
OK, open up your Bubba Gump, let me see your bumper
The booty so smooth, can't believe is not butter
I go in from under, she wetter than a surfer
I ate the pussy fast, I'm about to start burpin'.
Real sophisticated lyrics there. I don't think I really need any more evidence as to why I put this on my list.
#9 Kesha - Crazy Kids
Well if it isn't my favorite, skanky hooker in the whole world. This shitty song could only be made worse by the presence of Will.i.am. There are so many grammatical inaccuracies in his name it makes me shudder so I'm calling him William from now on. But, wait this song does actually feature William, so it's an all star lineup here.
Both their voices are so annoying, it just makes this song unbearable. Kesha's voice is so auto tuned it just becomes irritating and William manages to reach new lows by mumbling like a kid with down syndrome. The whistling just sound like someone with asthma and the acoustic element that this song has been praised for is soon lost over all that bass and synthesized crap. The song just sounds so processed and artificial that it takes away any merit it otherwise would have warranted, which wasn't much.
Just terrible, but then I've come to expect that from Kesha.
#8 Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop
What hasn't already been said about this song. I don't think it's as bad as everyone makes it out to be, at least Miley doesn't give a shit about the fact that she's gone bad. I mean, it was always going to happen and this song is just the conformation. The surprise is that the song is quite dull, for this new approach I was hoping for something more fringe but instead we get this really slow, irregular beat that makes it hard for this song to be taken seriously. The lyrics are pretty stupid too. It's like she's been living in North Korea all this time and she's suddenly regained her human rights, why the hell would people stop you singing?
This song is usually the type of crap I attribute with Rihanna and so I am surprised Miley would release what seems to be a rushed song that doesn't really do anything apart from repeatedly reminding us that Miley is a big girl now and she does big grown up things like snort coke. What a fucking waste. On an unrelated note I actually quite liked Wrecking Ball so don't expect it to appear on this list.
Tied #7 One Direction - Best Song Ever/One Way Or Another
Oh One Direction can just fuck off, and hopefully they will in about five years but for now I have to sit through this crap whilst there moronic fan base dominate social networking sites with it. You can probably connect the dots and notice why I have put these songs on here, It's plagiarism.
This annoys me so much in modern music. No creativity, well then why don't we steal something else. The worst thing is they credit for it, like they made it themselves. I have said in the past that using another artists work is acceptable if you adapt it, using it as a base, but One Direction are a fucking joke. Best Song Ever hurts me the most as they have blatantly stolen from one of my favorite songs of all time. The intro to Baba O'Riley was absolutely brilliant and now I have to watch as it is ruined by some egotistical, talentless twats. To be honest I'm amazed it's still being sold as it is one of the most pathetic attempts to blatantly copy another artists work. The insult here though is the name. Fuck me, even Helen Keller would agree with me that it quite clearly isn't, and that it's fucking stolen.
One Way Or Another is of course a classic Blondie song, again, another song that I like ruined by these morons. Oh no wait they have adapted it, by adding more moments where I just want to punch them in the face as they have managed to blend it with another stolen song. Un-fucking-believable they can't even write half a song, so they steal two. It's no wonder that this generation is so screwed up when they have these imbeciles to look up to who think it's okay to steal other people's work and claim it as their own. I may complain about Justin Bieber but at least he performs his own fucking songs. Jesus Christ.
#6 Karmin - Acapella
The first thing that annoys me about this song is the incorrect title. It shouldn't be Acapella, it should be 'a capella'. Now trust me I've done this style of music before and I can confirm that it is not easy, instead of actually trying though Karmin just seems to give up. The term A cappela means without instrumental sound but this song clearly has a lot of sound, which is a lot more than none at all. in fact her voice has been horrendously auto tuned defeating all the laws of music. The lyrics are also interesting:
You and me are through though, watch me hit it solo
I'mma do it acapella, yeah
I think she misunderstands the term 'a capella'. It doesn't mean going solo, it means without instruments. Wow, she doesn't even know what she's fucking singing about. The rest of the lyrics are equally as shallow, an I'm not even going to review the beat since their SHOULDN'T BE ONE. What a fucking stupid song although it thankfully didn't chart very well hence why it is not further up on this list. For some good examples of this style try For The Longest Time or anything by Smooth McGroove.
#5 Drake - Started From The Bottom
God, this is the usual crap we expect from Drake. Endlessly repeating the chorus until my ears bleed doesn't make a good song, neither does saying nigga after every fucking line. My biggest problem with the song is that it's utter bullshit, Drake doesn't even know what the bottom looks like. He is the son of a teacher and they lived in Forest Hill which is one of the wealthiest suburbs of Toronto. He was on fucking Canadian TV when he was 15 that payed him 30 grand a year, I could only dream of earning that amount of money when I was 15. I also see this song as his chance to brag about what he has achieved, which I can't stand. I know you're successful now please fuck off, I don't want to keep hearing about it. At least it isn't horrendously auto tuned.
#4 Sage The Gemini - Gas Pedal
This one must have taken ages to write. It just repeats Gas Pedal over and over proving the lack of creativity in modern music, that's not a hook, it's just torture. Why would people pay money for this piece of crap, you can say gas pedal 15 million times for free and hey maybe at the end you might get to keep your sanity. Sage The Gemini has the charisma of a potato and so in the end it is just a guy saying gas pedal 5 million times. Do I really need to say anything else about this shit to justify its position, didn't think so, moving on.
#3 Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines
Before I start my penis highly recommends the explicit version, that is this songs only saving grace.
Now that's out the way I can begin by saying what a dick Robin Thicke looks in the thumbnail and how the hell did this song sell. All it is is a stupid generic beat, crappy lyrics that seem to just be misogynistic because they can and what sounds like five songs running with each other, either that or everybody forgot their cue on when to come in as what follows is just a shamble of people shouting hey every two bloody seconds.
The song has unfortunately fed off of the controversies it has created and like We Can't Stop I just can't figure out what all the fuss is about, everything this song is hyped up to be just seems to end up being disappointing. In the end the somg just sounds a bit rapey and it goes on forever, it just never seems to end and becomes increasingly repetitive in the search for some filler, I would go as far to say the song is boring and definitely does not deserve all the hype it has been getting.
#2 Fatboy Slim - Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat
Bet you can't guess the lyrics to this one. But wait there are some fucking stupid stories told in-between for five fucking minutes. They try and haul in Calvin Harris, who let's face it has always been a bit shit, to try and polish the turd, except this is worse than a turd, you can judge that for yourselves by just listening to it. Just fucking stupid, somehow there was something even worse.
#1 Will.i.am #thatPower
Argh, the grammar in the title just makes me vomit. As do the artists, not only do I have to put up with chief bellend William but also fucking Justin Bieber. Rarely in my life do I hear such an insult to music. I don't know what it is with the title but this trend of putting hashtags in front of everything needs to stop as it just makes the artists look like twats, probably because they are. I wouldn't care so much if the song made one reference to these social networking trends but it doesn't. Just utterly hopeless.
The song is so horrendously autotuned it sounds like fucking Daft Punk, who to be fair can at least produce a good beat unlike this crappy song. let's have a look at some of the lyrics:
They call me will-A
Stay so cool, I'm chilli
I done made that maley
On my way to that valet
Used to have a piggy bank,
But now I got that bigger bank
Who who cares what the haters say
They hate on me cause we doing what they can't
Oh fuck me, I though William was supposed to be a rapper but he rhymes bank with itself, what a fucking wordsmith. This horrible slant rhyme just sounds shit. I'm sorry but Will-A, which isn't a word last time I checked, has been rhymed with chilli which clearly doesn't rhyme. Another thing that annoys me is that William thinks he's somewhat talented. Not only could I do better than that but so could anything, it often sounds better when I'm having a shit.
Justin Bieber, predictably, adds absolutely nothing to this song apart from 9 year old girl dance moves that just makes him looks like he's desperate for the toilet. I can't work out why Justin Bieber is needed he just seems to brag that he's alive, suppose he's got nothing else going for him, he can't sing, he can't dance, it just seems breathing is the only thing he can do well.
This song is just one big fucking joke. never before have I got the feeling to end my life before in a four minute song. It seems its only purpose is to waste time while William pockets some of that 'hard earned' cash he's earned by being a corporate whore. I hope I never have to endure anything as bad as this for the rest of my life.
