Morons of the Internet: Fusion

This is the segment where I scour my favourite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words of my favourite human beings.

In this edition we have another pop culture phenomenon that's allegedly racist. However this time black right's activists have crossed the line by trying to claim that people who make Harambe based jokes are racists. That's right, we're now trying to censor gorilla based memes.
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http://fusion.net/story/346541/death-to-harambe-memes/
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If you've never been on a place called 'the internet' before then you might have missed the recent memes dedicated to the gorilla who was shot after a boy fell into his enclosure. These 'Harambe memes' are absolutely hilarious, but not according to this internet publication, which is so pissed off they've put this article in an 'enough' category, so I think we know to expect zero journalistic integrity throughout this whole piece. Unsurprisingly we begin with some unqualified statement that in no way tie black people and the African population to racism. I am however very interested in finding out how we can be racist towards gorillas, being as the last time I checked gorillas are a different species to humans and not a different race, although I'm sure this author would claim anything is racist given half the chance.

We then discover that the reason Harambe joke have stayed around for so long is because of racism. We'll ignore the fact it might be inexplicably funny to a great many people, like every single other long lasting joke, because again when faced with a needed explanation you can always rely on the easy escape route; to claim something is inherently, if not explicitly racist. Maybe at one time Harambe was used as a cultural critique, but just because a phenomenon started by Africa Americans is subsequently developed by others does not instantly make the product of this change racist. To simply state that Harambe is a symbol for black people without any form of formal explanation is just moronic. That idea has just been plucked out of thin air, and resembles more a wild conspiracy theory than an actual serious point. Yes black people have been compared to gorillas before, and yes Harambe is a gorilla, but that doesn't instantly mean there's a causative relationship between those two statements.

Not surprisingly it's only the 'sensitive white people' who are making the Harambe jokes. That has to be a fact as it follows the narrative of this piece. The assumptions continue into the next paragraph as well. Of course there's always going to be examples of a small minority using this meme to be racist assholes, but this is then applied to a general argument centered around how everyone should stop using them, so where's the evidence for institutionalised racism from this meme? Just because somebody uses a symbol as a tool to be racist doesn't automatically mean that the given symbol is inherently racist. So unfortunately there's plenty to argue about here, you just choose to plainly ignore the formal argument in favor of your narrow minded horseshit.

I often go on about the importance of evidence in making an assumptive point, and this article is a great example of what I'm talking about. Later there's a single example of a college that actually has a Harambe safespace aimed at African Americans, which according to this author is all the evidence needed to assume this meme is universally racist. Of course everyone knows the jokes on the internet are based around that one safespace at a university they've probably never heard of; at least that's the only factual piece of information the reader is presented with.

Just a side note. As a zoology student I should inform you that it would simply be fallacious to state that an organism is 'less evolved'. Evolution is not forward thinking, nor does it have an end goal. Evolution is a constant process that relies on an environmental pressure that is different in every single organism, so to then measure that on a qualitative scale is fundamentally flawed. The source you provide equating evolutionary principles with racism takes pitiful assumptions surrounding Darwin's views on race and claims his theory championed white superiority, which is just unfounded nonsense.

'The fantasy is a more worthwhile story than the reality'. That may just be the most hypocritical statement of all time. I honestly cannot believe you've just said a statement as naive as that when you're own article revolves around a self imposed narrative. To summarise there is no clear argument here contrary to what the author would have you believe. As far as I'm concerned this man has not provided a shred of evidence in this whole piece. This is just a vague commentary on personal feelings, so why the fuck has this writer jumped to such a huge conclusion here? To say this whole article is making a mountain out of a molehill would be a huge understatement. To paraphrase this whole article: 'Boo-hoo, an internet meme hurt my feelings, so I'm going to shame everyone that my inherently race based philosophy dictates.'

There is the odd external source dotted around to try and back up these frail points, but they all follow the same flawed pattern. Not only are they all terrible sources for journalistic integrity, but they all simply point a finger at white people and screams racism despite any evidence. The mental leap here is that because some black people have been compared to gorillas in race hate crimes, Harambe must therefore be a racist symbol and not simply an innocent meme. This is simply a moronic assumption to make. Of course the Harambe meme isn't a racially motivated joke. That would be like saying 'here comes dat boy' is xenophobic because French people are often compared to frogs. Honestly this article is a bigger fucking joke than the Harambe memes themselves.

Top 10 Dystopian Films

I love a dystopia. There's something so fascinating about a film that depicts a damning future for humanity. Maybe it's just me, but when a film presents the doom and gloom of the real world in an extraordinary way then it creates some astonishing moments in cinema. These are my personal top ten dystopian films.

#10 Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981) (8/10)

"I'm just here for the gasoline."

There is a fantastic dystopia on display in this cult classic. The world has become ravaged by the lack of oil, which is now the defining commodity, and as a result bands of pirates go around blowing a lot of things up. That might not sound like the basis for a cracking dystopia, and the narrative is hidden away behind one of the most action orientated films of all time, but the film portrays the idea of a deserted wasteland to perfection. It's almost a shame that the setting is hidden away, as although the action sequences are very good, the fantastically simple setting never really got the credit it deserved in the movie world.

The cinematography is one area where the film does try and get every bit of detail out of that sparse wasteland, before once again delving into a violent action sequence to hammer home how tough life is in this universe. In actual fact the acting and camera work are surprisingly good, and each scene is orchestrated to a much higher standard than your usual action film I doubt anyone does care about these technical issues though, as every action sequence hits exactly the right spot, especially the climax, which is fucking brilliant. What an exclamation mark that scene is on an already thrilling action film and a surprisingly clever dystopia.


#9 Fahrenheit 451 (1966) (7/10)

"Behind each of these books, there's a man. That's what interests me."

The film based on the iconic Ray Bradbury novel that sees firemen burning any illegal book that has been banned by the state. Another simple yet very effective premise that allows director Francois Truffaut to explore some very deep themes. Interestingly this was the man's one and only film produced in colour throughout his long career, and to be honest he needn't of bothered considering the styling is about as bland as you can get. Not that the bland styling is a downside to the film, as it's just what you would imagine from a world without culture. This world is as grey and dull as it should be, and as are the cast. Even the opening credits are spoken instead of trying to be visually pleasing to the viewer, but that's the whole point. This is a world without culture or art, and the emptiness is a sincere warning to the viewers in its most raw and mundane form. By no means is this film a perfect dystopian classic, but skilled directing and being faithful to the original novel allow this film to serve as a perfect counterpart to an already revolutionary novel.


#8 The Matrix (1999) (8/10)

"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."

Robots taking over the human world isn't exactly a revolutionary concept in sci-fi films, but the way 'The Matrix' approached this scenario certainly was. Here humans are conditioned to think they are not being enslaved by a master race of machines, and the narrative plays on this premise really nicely, with an inadvertent 'man vs machine' conflict disguised as just another generic action flick. Maybe the dystopian angle could have been played differently to much greater effect, as the dystopia itself is actually rather poorly explained, but still has a great influence on the narrative. 'The Matrix' may play out like an ordinary action movie, but there's so much more going on beneath the surface.

'The Matrix' as a film doesn't feel dystopian at all, and that's why despite the premise being so bold the film doesn't rank that highly compared to the more contemporary films in the genre. What 'The Matrix' does do incredibly well is build on slick action sequences with a ton of meaning, still being easy on the mind for even the most casual of viewers. It's hardly surprising why this has become one of the most talked about plots in recent memory, and over the years 'The Matrix' has become a pop culture phenomenon. Of course nobody really remembers the dystopian aspects of the film, rather those neat and mindblowing special effects that emphasise the exuberant style of Wachowkski Brothers.


#7 1984 (1984) (7/10)

"Power is tearing human minds apart and putting them back together in new shapes of your own choosing."

The film counterpart to the George Orwell novel that epitomises the whole genre. The only worry with a film as big as '1984' is that it has such a huge task to not disappoint, and thankfully the finished product was a good accompaniment to one of the most famous novels of all time. You don't need me to tell you how great the story is. Orwell's masterful dystopia is rightfully championed both in this film and the genre as a whole. The book may well be the better version, but that's hardly a criticism, and this is still an unmissable title for any Orwell fans.

The gloomy atmosphere created by the book is still abundant in this film. Oceania looks exactly as drab and miserable as the novels would have you believe. In fact the setting presented in this film is incredibly well done, but there's always that sense of fantasy that almost becomes a comfort in this fucked up world. John Hurt is great as Winston Smith. He's just the sort of man the reader would associate with Winston in the novels. Hurt's performance also allows us to picture this sense of man versus government in the face of oppression, which for this film was probably the hardest task it faced.


#6 Battle Royale (2000) (9/10)

"You just have to fight for yourself; no one's going to save you. That's just life, right?"

'Battle Royale' is an extremely unique take on the common theme of teenage delinquency. I'm not usually a fan of something that can be described as both Japanese and unique, but this film is a great spin on the dytopisa genre. This narrative plays out in a very similar fashion to the far inferior 'Hunger Games', where randomly selected school classes must fight to the death. I'm not sure how that's going to help teenage delinquency, but to be fair many authoritative figures in the dystopia genre are retrospectively dim witted. 'Battle Royale' however is a million miles better than 'The Hunger Games', and actually conveys a lot of emotion as well as some interesting themes; namely some dark humour, which I absolutely fucking adore.

Admittedly the actual dystopia here is very thin in places, with very little depth or explanation as to the context of the situation. Often that doesn't matter with the incredible power of each individual scene, and I don't imagine many viewers are thinking too deeply about the context watching some of the graphic scenes on display here. 'Battle Royale' is brutal, excessively violent, and absolutely brilliant at carrying a strong message; even if that message is totally fucked up. So fucked up was the message that the film was condemned by the Japanese Government, even ironically being linked o teenage delinquency. Turns out this dystopia was more accurate than anyone ever imagined.


#5 Children of Men (2006) (8/10)

"As the sound of the playgrounds faded, the despair set in. Very odd, what happens in a world without children's voices."

'Children of Men' is a film all about the chaos caused by infertility, although really that's an incredible simple message in a film that leaves us with a far more tenuous and controversial thought process. The worst part of this dystopia is just how realistic the setting feels. The overall premise of a world without children is one that's both incredibly plausible and incredibly shocking, and to the viewer there seems no logical reason why this scenario couldn't possibly play out in the near future.  Immigration laws are a hot topic in global politics at the moment, which is a theme that 'Children of Men' thrives on.

The directing however is the highlight of this film; it's a cut above nearly everything else on this list. There's so much symbolism and subtle nods going on that you get the sense this is artistically superior to the majority of dystopian futures. This thought provoking approach gives us the viewer some tremendous and atmospheric scenes. None of the scenes are ever filled with over the top action and sci-fi cliches, rather relying on a disturbing and vivid setting to tell the story. The overall cinematography is also top notch, as is the acting, which gives us a far more emotional dystopia than usual. It's such a shame this film failed at the box office, because this is one of the few films that manages to tick all the boxes in what makes a quality film by the standards of modern cinema.


#4 Soylent Green (1973) (8/10)

"There was a world, once, you punk."

Man is this a depressing future. A really dismal view of a future society that scarily emulates the real world issues of hunger and resource exploitation. In this world there is only one food source for the starving and overpopulated planet, known as 'Soylent Green'. Sure that might not sound like the most shocking depiction of a future gone wrong, but the setting is well branched out and eerily normalised. The most worrying thing about this depiction of the future is that it's set in just six years, and as far as I'm concerned the only difference between this film and the world today is a radically different society.

What this film is really known for however is Charlton Heston's now iconic lead performance. It's a spectacular chapter in his illustrious career that will leave you glued to his character in every scene. That's not to knock the technical aspects of this film. The narrative is masterfully written, especially for a forward thinking dystopia, and although it's sometimes hard to follow the solid script and acting make this an informative vision of the future rather than an over-complicated one. The plot twist at the end will leave you speechless. Seriously, if you haven't already been made aware of this legendary moment then you're in for a huge surprise, and a great way to cap off a great film.


#3 Logan's Run (1976) (8/10)

"I've never killed anyone in my life. Sandman terminate runners."

The interesting thing about 'Logan's Run' is that you could be forgiven for thinking this idealistic world is actually more of a utopia, and one filled with immense pleasure. There's one small side note that everyone dies at the age of 30, but you can't have everything in life. This world doesn't feel like a dystopia either. The world looks lovely, the set designs looks gorgeous, and there's a unique feeling that perfectly encapsulates the idea of a utopia gone bad. For the 1970's this was a film design way ahead of its time, and 'Logan's Run' arguably looks better than it plays out. However what I love most about 'Logan's Run' is how bizarre whole film is. Everything feels weird and quirky, and this gives the film a unique character, and a character that never seems to take itself seriously enough for such an incredibly serious plot. This is a film that although not always exhilarating, is certainly one that stands out in a often samey dytopian genre.


#2 Blade Runner (1982) (9/10)

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die." 

'Blade Runner' is not your typical dystopia considering the viewer has to piece together why this futuristic world is afoul. Dig deeper however and you find a narrative filled with strong themes about what it means to be human, and the dangers of capitalism that perfectly illustrate a ruined world. The worst thing about this world is that it's set in 2019, just three years in the future. This fictional landscape may feel like a sprawling cyber-city unlikely to exist in our lifetime, but this one sounds and feels totally real and vibrant, which is all the more disturbing.

I'm personally a huge fan of the world this film creates. It's a pleasant world to experience even if everything lacks order. The unusual yet beautiful setting is another example of Ridley Scott proving why he's one of the world's greatest directors. This is a sci-fi masterpiece in artistic integrity, and one that thanks to a cult following has withstood the test of time. 'Blade Runner' is a perfect example of how good a noir film can be at creating atmosphere, and there is something so hauntingly beautiful about everything this film does. Maybe it's the unique noir setting that's set itself apart from other films in the genre, or maybe just the excellent cinematography. Either way this is an insanely good film that's way better to experience than I could ever describe.


#1 A Clockwork Orange (1971) (10/10)

"Goodness is something to be chosen. When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man."

The number one dystopia for me just had to be this unbelievably deranged epic. Dystopias don't get any better than the brutal teenage delinquent world from the Anthony Burgess novel, and when you get Stanley Kubrick to lead the project the result is a shocking film that wasn't comparable to anything else out there. In fact in the UK it wasn't actually released until after Kubrick's death in 1999 due to Kubrick's family actually receiving death threats in response to this film's impact on pop culture. Even today the themes explored in this epic are certainly relevant, creating a lasting impact on the viewer with vivid imagery and suggestive themes littered all over the place. As with any Kubrick film the technical elements are perfect. The score is so brilliantly intertwined as usual, and the cinematography is so precise and calculated that it's just unbelievable to watch in person.

The real reason why this film became so infamous is due to the themes of torture, violence, rape, and murder all being brushed over in almost a comedic fashion. 'A Clockwork Orange' is nowhere near as appalling as it was to viewers back in the day, but it's still a difficult watch at times. Not surprisingly this is a polarising film, but for those who appreciate artistry in cinema and the deep exploration of graphic themes then this is a film in a class of one. For me the black humour in this is so astounding and profound that it instantly became a perfect film in my mind. Never have I seen a film so willingly glorify such heinous actions, yet at the same time question the very nature of the themes presented. Kubrick creates an antihero out of a protagonist so deplorable, yet so charismatic at the same time. 'A Clockwork Orange' is such a savage yet beautiful dystopia filled with the very worst of society, crafted in such a fashion that there was no way this couldn't take the top spot.

The Christoforge Column (18/09/16)

Stop Blaming Doctors

There's a worrying trend gaining traction in the medical world at the moment that sees doctors at the forefront of medical negligence. If the increasing blame culture wasn't bad enough for doctors there are even a number of medical professionals now being imprisoned for allegedly failing to correctly diagnose their patients. Doctors are not some superhuman beings that merely exist to cure any medical issue you may have, but surprisingly actual human beings with everyday lives. They do offer a service of trust, but just because you assume they will make your life better doesn't mean they always will. Doctors are going to make mistakes, so to then punish even the most minor of those mistakes with large repercussions is a very detrimental policy to the whole medical profession, and one that shifts more unwanted attention towards the unstable and understaffed NHS.

Again, doctors are human beings. Unless they're Harold Shipman they're almost certainly not trying to harm their patients, so owning up to a mistake should never be a criminal issue. If there is genuine criminal negligence on display that would justify removing an individual from society then that individual should absolutely be taken to court, but never in the case of a simple mistake. If this suing culture is allowed to spiral out of control then medicine in this country will suffer. Doctor's will be hunted down like vermin for any mistake, which leads to a health service where no professionals ever take risks for fear of being jailed. This issue is now so concerning to doctors and medical staff that some have produced a fantastic resource around this issue that perfectly explains the predicament, and I urge you to at least research this topic, if not support this organisation.

http://www.manslaughterandhealthcare.org.uk/


There May Be Hope for the NHS

It may be doom and gloom for doctors who make mistakes at the moment, but in other areas the NHS is finally making progress. After an eternity of faffing around with how to make the population healthier the NHS has announced plans to start refusing surgery to obese patients, although in typical NHS fashion these plans have been put on hold. I honestly hope this plan does go ahead as I feel this is a fantastic solution to the current NHS woes. Firstly you're saving a shitheap of cash, and secondly you might actually encourage the obese to look after the bodies without taxing the hell out of the perfectly healthy. At no point are the obese and smokers of the population ever completely denied treatment, however they will be shifted to the back of the queue for minor surgeries if they show no commitment to living a healthy lifestyle. This isn't inhumane or unethical, it's an abrasive strategy that needs serious consideration.

You may be thinking at this stage it would be harsh of the NHS to start slowly denying the obese a human right, however this significant group of people in Britain are putting a huge strain on the taxpayer, simultaneously crippling the financial resources of a divided healthcare system. Tell those who want a stomach shrinking or something equally worthless to fuck off and sort their lives out. The real solution is simple: Eat less or exercise you lazy twats, or better yet go private. Why should I be the one to pay for an individual who can't even be bothered to look after themselves? Obese people drain natural resources and pollute an already unstable health system, so it's about time they got told to fuck off and be held accountable for their selfish and unhealthy actions. The only way this current obesity crisis is going to be solved is if schemes like this exist, and only then can we watch the fat of this country to adapt or die.


The Ever Increasing Issue of Clothing

Clothing for some reason has suddenly become such a divisive issue in the West. Obviously I understand there needs to be restrictions so five year old Johnny doesn't get to see some wrinkly ball sack attached to some eighty year old man striding through the town centre. However we've now got to this strange hypocrisy where banning a 'burkini' is seen as outrageous yet banning an advert on the London Underground with a figure in a bikini is censorship that should be supported. And God forbid if you happen to have landed a satellite on a comet and wear clothing with scantily clad women drawn on to it, because obviously that's completely sexist.

Both of these outrages have been directed towards a body positivity movement that champions the idea that people shouldn't be demonised for what they choose to wear or how they look, yet on the whole this collective viewpoint is just so specious. Stop getting offended over what you think other people will be offended by. We're not all special flowers, so let's just all let people wear what they want. I'm all for the legalisation of both that advert and the burkini, and believe that should never be censored so long as it falls under common decency. So come on people, let's all stop trying to censor clothing as well.

Morons of the Internet: Black Lives Matter UK

You probably won't be surprised to hear that Black Lives Matter have got yet another idiotic campaign. Oh yes, according to them climate change is now racist. Not only do these imbeciles behave like common thugs, but they also share these propaganda filled videos to their moronic followers. Enjoy this bullshit, as this is a video on another level of stupidity.

1) Who would have guessed that the keystone statement in this article is an incorrect and unsourced statistic? Surprisingly if we actually look at the factual and recent statistics we find that South Korea produces more greenhouse gases than the UK, yet has a smaller population, so it's statistically impossible for the UK to be the biggest contributor to global warming per capita. In terms of carbon dioxide Britain is even better, only ranked 53rd in the world, so really the statistics provided in this video are way off the mark. I'm sure if you take into account historical records then yes Black Lives Matter may have a point, but that's irrelevant to the very recent issue of global warming and climate change.

2) Ah, it was only a matter of time before we got the classic 'inequality must equal institutionalised racism' line from the BLM morons. How dare the Western World let people of colour inhabit areas near the Sahara Desert? Well have to ignore any form of historical context because of course it has to be the white man's fault why these people are suffering from climate change. Somehow the disparity between different populations doesn't mean this is a geographical problem, rather clear racism that can be depicted by a rough prediction of 35 years in the future. And when are predictions ever wrong? In actual fact there really isn't any solid statistical data suggesting that refugees are being created by climate change, and it's just these constant doomsday predictions that are fueling this phony point.

3) Turns out there's a significant disparity between the rich and the poor. Must be racism. How could it possibly be anything else?

4) Woah, woah, woah. How the fuck are we now making the mental leap that the placement of industrial buildings and services is caused by the race of the local population? Surely that's to do with population density, not institutionalised racism you absolute morons.

5) Environmental racism. Wow, that sounds like a really serious issue. Turns out it can be defeated easily by moving to the countryside. Of course black people tending to live in more built up areas must also be racist, which therefore must mean climate change is racist considering cities have higher rates of pollution. Also, nice use of shifting the goalposts. This is another classic BLM strategy that once again sees an issue in a totally different foreign country being shoehorned into British politics and used to make a single assumptive point without any evidence. The third world are reproducing at an ever increasing rate, but yet again it's this white privilege that's causing these issues on the other side of the world.

6) This whole argument is just one huge generalisation that doesn't show any critical thinking. Surely an expanding airport creates jobs, an increased transport infrastructure and a greater number of businesses investing in the local area. I get that there's still going to be a large economic disparity in the area, but expanding an airport is infinitely more complicated than your simple black and white conclusions. But how could I forget? It's you're vague point without any evidence that's the most logical.

7) What the fuck has the deaths of European migrants got to do with climate change? Stop shifting the fucking goalposts.

To be able to pick out that many critical flaws in a video barely a minute long just shows you how embarrassing this blatant propaganda is. I can't say I'm surprised by this vile nonsense, BLM has always been about shoehorning the issue of race into anything that vaguely fits into their narrow minded narrative, but this knew initiative is just a new level of pathetic. It's an offensive insult to the black liberation movement that once valiantly fought for something meaningful, but now resorts to crying about issues that blatantly don't involve race. Climate change doesn't give a shit what your skin colour is. Black Lives Matter on the other hand do. BLM don't give a shit about climate issues caused by the black populations of Africa, such as unsustainable farming techniques leading to desertification, because it's much easier for them to simply blame a majority white majority population, because to them skin colour is always the deciding factor. I've nothing against BLM behaving like impetulent children as per usual, but these terrorist activities based solely on bullshit are precisely why this organisation should be condemned. Just look at the quality of the argument they're putting forward, it's an abomination of critical thinking, and anyone involved should be ashamed of the shit they're spewing in this video.

What is Homeopathy?

Homeopathy is a serious thing in the medical world. Over recent times it's become a huge industry backed by several big names, claiming it can help cure everything from a cold to any form of cancer. To say I'm skeptical would be an understatement, but being as this is a blog based on objectivity I'm now going to cross examine a leading expert on homeopathy who's trying to give a brief summary of this apparent miracle cure.
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http://healthcancercure.com/2016/07/12/what-is-homeopathy-video-by-prof-keith-scott-mumby-md-mb-chb-phd/
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If you haven't grasped yet from this vague bollocks, homeopathy is clearly a fraudulent practice. You don't have to be an expert in science to realise that an alternative medical procedure based on energetic signals is highly suspicious, even more so when the explanation doesn't explain anything. Instead of using medically proven methods we're now substituting solid science with this vague and illogical nonsense. Homeopathy shares an alarming number of similarities with many other alternative medicines, each combining mystical healing with the pseudo-scientific worlds of magic and the unexplained. Take this 'like cures like' attitude. It's such an unbelievably inaccurate assumption that completely contradicts anything that modern medicinal practices dictate. Whilst we're at it why don't we start telling former soldiers they can cure their PTSD by mortaring their friends house and listening to their screams? The only difference between that attitude and homeopathy is the prevalence of water in the later. It's amazing how water has suddenly become this medium for storing information, which firstly is absolute bollocks, and secondly is in complete contradiction to the well researched discipline of molecular biology. If water is this molecule that ignores the principles of chemistry then a lot of science is going to have to be rewritten, because this is so far detached from our current understanding that the idea of homeopathy being plausible is more apt for a science fiction film rather than as a medicinal practice.

Amazingly homeopathy manages to become even more stupid when you look at the actual methods. If you're diluting a concoction that much you might as well drink the fucking Pacific Ocean. Basically homeopathy is just drinking water, and this expert even admits that in this explanation. Genius. Just to put into perspective how big Avogadro's constant is, if you counted at the rate of 1 billion every second it would take you 19 million years to reach Avogadro's constant. That's the scale we're diluting things here, so maybe drinking the Pacific Ocean is the understatement of the century.
My question is how do these charlatans know if the water hasn't got any of this energetic signal from previous users; after all water is naturally recycled. What if I accidentally drink water that years ago went through a person who had bowel cancer? Would like cure like then?

In my funny little world I thought the higher the concentration of any medicine the more effect it's going to have on your body. I often find the more I dilute alcohol the drunker I get, so I can see why homeopaths would think the opposite. Seriously on your next night out drink just water, because obviously that's the most effective way to get alcohol into your system. This homeopath here tries to back up this dilution mechanism with science, again making a fool of himself by not providing any sources, and claiming that machinery that supports homeopathy cannot possibly be faulty. I've still got no idea how a spectrograph can prove homeopathy works considering it's used to convert light energy into a reading, but then we never actually get an explanation for anything, yet alone primary fucking evidence.

To be fair to this guy there is the odd study that found homeopathy has a separate effect than the placebo method, however this is not the norm, and even then comparing these studies to the placebo effect still doesn't prove it works as an effective treatment. That's the thing with your study, it's comparing a medical procedure with a phenomenon, and not conventional techniques. Even then the study you cite was so good the same research team later corrected their original conclusion. Even if we go by your ridiculous logic that 'you can only fail to prove it does work', then homeopathy is still proven bollocks. That line of bold conjecture alone is proof that homeopathy shouldn't be considered a science. The whole purpose of science is that any data found is falsifiable, yet your logic states the opposite, with two clauses that mean exactly the same thing. You can prove something doesn't work, it's called a test. How about if we fired an artillery shell at your chest covered by just a bin bag? Remember you can't prove the bin bag doesn't work at absorbing the impact of artillery shells, your splattered corpse is instead failing to prove it does work.

If we actually can the crap for a minute and actually talk about science, which this article fails to do, then we'll discover a wide consensus that homeopathy is alternative bollocks. These homeopathic practitioners are nothing more than phony snake oil merchants. This one in particular is a disgusting human being who will happily manipulate others into taking treatments that are not medically proven to improve their condition, and when that condition is aimed at cancer patients this attitude becomes even more vile. Firstly there's strong evidence that homeopathy has an adverse affect on cancer patients, but the act of conning desperate cancer patients out of their already depleted monetary resources is one of the shittiest things you can do as a human being. And that's all homeopathy is, exploiting people.

Before my mind completely implodes with this stupidity I will leave you with some words from the great James Randi, who destroys this phony pseudoscience with straight logic. This is a far better explanation of what homeopathy and pseudoscience are than by any of these fraudsters previously mentioned.

Top 10 Celebrity Chefs

I love food. Food is fucking brilliant. Can't say I'm a fan of cookery shows though. Cooking programmes are mostly dull and tedious, but there are exceptions where the chefs become bigger than the food itself with their unique personalities, creating great entertainment. These chefs combine culinary excellence and charisma to bring their creations to life, and here are my ten personal favourites.

#10 Hannibal Lecter

Okay, I'll be serious now.


#9 Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

Look at that hunk of a man. The immense sexual chemistry between this man and his food is always prevalent in his signature 'River Cottage' series, which without this man's legendary charisma would be like watching a simpleton cooking some poncey and uninspired food in a rural setting. Hugh has taken the idea of cooking on a farm and transformed it into a format with a fair share of entertainment. In no other cookery show can you see chefs that happily eat roadkill, and even on one occasion boil and eat a fucking human placenta to make into pate for his fucking family. How appetising. Maybe Hannibal Lecter wasn't a stupid suggestion for this list after all. Hannibal Lecter however has nowhere near the banter of Hugh, neither is he anywhere near as likeable, although Lecter is a serial killer so that's not much of an achievement. Hugh is a man who loves to get back to nature, is all for the sustainable and free range slaughter of livestock, and hates unsustainable uses of food. He's clearly a man of principle, yet tries to avoid dictating this hippy approach in his programmes. So overall a great guy with some great banter.


#8 Wolfgang Puck

Wolfgang Puck is an Austrian born American chef who shot to fame through his signature restaurant 'Spago', which is now located in Beverly Hills with two Michelin stars. That's very impressive, but what's even more impressive is that Puck is annually invited to cook for the world's most famous stars at the Oscars. If that still wasn't enough to convince you of this guy's talent then you might also like to know that Puck is a successful chef, businessman, and entrepreneur. He owns a successful fine dining, catering, and restaurant business, that are together worth a few hundred million bucks. If for some reason that still hasn't impressed you then you can watch this man in Frasier and the film 'The Weather Man', or just watch the man cook on his own Emmy award winning cookery show. And anyway, how can you hate anyone with the name 'Wolfgang'?


#7 Bobby Flay

I'll admit that this guy's on here for one reason, and no that reason is not the enthusiasm about mayonnaise in the picture above, but rather his appearances on 'Iron Chef America', which is undoubtedly one of the most dullest and yet entertaining shows in history. Seriously, behind all the camp and overdone presentation is proof that Flay can damn well cook, and he' taken the title of 'Iron Chef' on multiple occasions. Flay has also been the host of numerous other US cookery shows, but none of them are 'Iron Chef America', so I just don't care. I suppose his cookery shows are watchable considering he likes to grill everything, and as someone who thinks grilling meat is a category on PornHub I really can't complain. In fact just watching his cooking is giving me a food boner. Flay actually has a Michelin star in grilling beef, so as you can imagine this guy is a hero to me.


#6 Nigella Lawson

Watching a Nigella Lawson cookery show is just watching a collection of poorly timed innuendos. Honestly I couldn't give a shit about her cooking, which maybe a good thing considering she has no professional culinary experience, but the way she describes her creations in ever ounce of detail is so entertaining, especially when she brings out the innuendos. Even making scrambled eggs becomes an erotic novel with Nigella; only it's an erotic novel being directed at you. Not surprisingly it's her writing rather than her cooking that's made Nigella famous, and she was even named as the best author in Britain for 2001, which actually makes her a more credible author in 2001 than JK Rowling. This must be why so many people give a shit about her cooking, specifically 3 million people worldwide who fancied the opportunity of being chatted up whilst reading one of her books.

Away from her highly successfully writing career Nigella has also presented multiple extremely popular television shows, that usually revolve around tours through her massive house and insights into her overly lavish dinner parties to host some of her abusive husband's friends. The television shows are where the flirting of Nigella is turned up to the max, becoming just low rent porn for middle aged men to gawp at and still feel cultured, whilst simultaneously working as aspirational fodder for women who've given up on the good life. In fact that video proof above is the only reason she's on this list.


#5 Heston Blumenthal

Heston Blumethal is bat shit crazy. If he's not creating the most ridiculous creations with the aid of science he's creating dishes so bizarre it's nothing short of a miracle he's not in a mental asylum. So obscure is his cooking that he's a fellow at the Royal Society of Chemistry, which not a lot of chefs can brag about. So scientific is Heston's approach that he actually compares the molecular level of foods, pairing otherwise preposterous combinations that include white chocolate and caviar, or putting crab in an ice cream. Heston calls this modern and scientific approach to cooking 'multisensory', although I prefer the term 'insane'. Heston claims that this approach to dining is because he encourages the use multiple senses when consuming his food, and has even gone as far as to get guests to listen to sounds of the sea whilst eating seafood.

Amazingly the creations on his television shows are even more mental, usually involving stuff you find in a university chemistry lab. As you can imagine most of his recipes don't get replicated in many households, with people preferring to eat at his various restaurants. His stupidly named signature restaurant 'The Fat Duck', which was first opened in 1995, now has three Michelin stars, and was even named the best restaurant in the world in 2005. That's some random pub in rural Berkshire, not Beverly Hills, so to say Heston's restaurants are damn impressive would be an understatement. Heston's not all success though. He decided to buy the service station food chain 'Little Chef', which if you didn't know is well known in Britain for still having absolutely shit food. Maybe Heston should just stick to being the mad scientist.


#4 Anthony Bourdain

Anthony Bourdain is a man who rose from being a dishwasher to one of the most respected chefs in the world. In that time Bourdain has also become one of the most iconic celebrity chefs famed for talking his mind, and that's a good thing considering he knows what he's talking about. Bourdain is a man that can describe food in ways many people can only dream about, which is great to watch irrespective of whether the food is of Michelin star quality or shit that nobody would ever want to try. Bourdain is willing to try any delicacy for television, whether it be warthog rectums or seal eyeballs, although he still claims the worst thing he's ever eaten is a chicken Mcnugget.

Bourdain's various anecdotes are fantastic actually. He knows his shit, and isn't afraid to throw some salt at other chefs who don't know their shit. Bourdain has probably eaten just about everything there is to eat in the world, and now every one of those experiences is converted into opinionated and humorous tales. This no holds barred attitude has seen Bourdain become something of a badass in the culinary world, and his history of freely admitting to being addicted to drugs and alcohol in the early part of his career has only expanded this perception. Aside from cooking Bourdain has even become a published fictional author, and he's also a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, so I'd rather not slag him off over the internet; especially considering this man would destroy me on any food related topic.


#3 Marco Pierre White

How fucking cool does that guy look? Just by looking at that picture you can deduce that this chef is going to be suave and arrogant. And in fact Marco is all of those things combined with a natural talent for culinary excellence. He's the youngest ever chef to receive three Michelin stars at the age of 33, although in the end he ended up returning them for whatever reason. Marco is seen as the first celebrity chef, and is also responsible for many other notable chefs, creating the now infamous Gordon Ramsay. Allegedly he created the monster that is Ramsay by pushing him to the very limit. Can you imagine how hostile that kitchen must have been to create Gordon Ramsay? Marco clearly takes no shit from anyone. Anyone who does offend him gets instantly thrown out of his restaurant, and any complaint is taken literally, such as when one of his employees claimed the kitchen was too hot causing Marco to cut open his clothes with a knife. Under all this tough guy persona is a playboy chef at heart, and he even allegedly had sex with a customer inbetween courses. I wouldn't believe that story normally, but then this is Marco Pierre White we're talking about.

#2 Ainsley Harriot

The internet legend that is not only responsible for some of the world's greatest memes, but also the man that fronts 'Ready Steady Cook', simultaneously the greatest and shittest cookery show in the history of television. If the memes don't turn you on then Ainsley's legendary energy at even the smallest things are just infectious. I get as excited watching his programmes as Ainsley appears to be getting about his food. And remember lads, give your meet a good old rub.


#1 Gordon Ramsay

Although Ramsay may have the tendency to come across as overly aggressive outside of the kitchen, this celebrity chef is a living legend to me. He's funny, intelligent, and just seems like a great guy outside the kitchen; although try telling that to those in the culinary business. Ramsay has a quite astonishing 16 Michelin stars obtained at a variety of restaurants, which is incredible considering some of the most talented chefs in the world spend their lives work in getting just one, and even then often failing.

However if there's one thing that trumps Ramsay's food then it has to be his amazing insults. Most of them are so good they're actually funnier than the internet memes that try and take the piss out of him. I never knew I wanted to see food compared to Gandhi's flip flop or a bison's penis, but now I know I do. I also love seeing trainee chefs repetitively called 'donkeys' and 'sacks of shit', so any cookery programme that Ramsay stars in is a guaranteed hit with me. Having cocky chefs repetitively put in their place is what I call fucking great entertainment, and Ramsay has become a legend in my eyes for his foul mouthed antics. Ramsay has always been like this in the kitchen, even when he was based in Britain, but now over in the colonies he's evolved into a whole new boss from hell. Ramsay clearly has superhuman standards when it comes to food, but that's got nothing in comparison to 'Hell's Kitchen' and 'Kitchen Nightmares' which are both TV gold with every episode.

The Christoforge Column (04/09/16)

Why Bother With Trolls?

Trolling isn't something the internet community as a whole should be proud of. There is the odd sophisticated troll that actually make ingenious jokes at the expense of others, but then there's the majority that are just vile and hateful human beings hurling moronic insults at people they've never met. Policing these vermin is a difficult task, but the British Police seem to employ a strategy comparable to that of George Orwell's Thought Police. We're seeing a multitude of controversial faces being banned by social media websites for various reasons, and this is a very worrying trend for the internet community, that although abrasive is certainly not something that needs to be policed in such a way. The latest scheme is a 2 million pound initiative on what is essentially policing language. When you consider the UK police force is already widely known to be heavily underfunded then this has to be a huge waste of money. Of course if you read The Guardian you'll think this is a fantastic initiative, as is anything that resembles the dystopian worlds of George Orwell.

Actual cybercrime is a huge issue, costing the UK economy billions of pounds every year. What Dave in Rotherham said to offend some other internet user isn't a huge issue. If someone gives you shit on the internet simply turn off the fucking computer. Internet anonymity is a great thing, so let's not sacrifice this privilege because some special flowers take exception to unidentified people being assholes. I'll admit that the actions of some extreme trolls should be treated criminally, but there is still no excuse for a system that's likely to infringe on the beauty of free speech. Remember, there is a very narrow margin between clamping down on trolls and actively policing free speech, and we're already seeing this censorship based attitude rearing its ugly head. As a fan of dark satire I repetitively find posts that have been taken out of context having their owners stripped of all titles and ultimately banned from various websites, and I only fear this new police scheme will ramp up this exodus of any material deemed slightly offensive. We're a country that's happy to criticise countries such as China and North Korea that censor huge parts of the web, whilst simultaneously censoring individuals for the most pathetic of reasons.


The Decline of the Great British Pub

What the fuck has happened to the good old British tradition of having a beer in a traditional pub? Everywhere you look traditional establishments are shutting their doors to make way for a horde of shitty restaurants and gastropubs. I know being a fat ageing man with a beer belly and a love for flies and dirt in your proper pint isn't the in thing right now, but tell someone you want a good ale in a good old British pub and they look at you like you're on day release. Nowadays the traditional pubs have been replaced by restaurants with a built in bar. That's a problem because now the clientele has shifted from the stereotypical old guy in a pub to gossiping middle aged women. I have no problem with these places existing, but not as a replacement for my beautiful local pub, which all too often has been forced to close thanks to the demands for these poncey and overpriced gastropubs. There's one crucial thing that none of these gastropubs can artificially produce, and that's the atmosphere. There's not an experience like the Great British pub, and I've yet to experience any feeling even remotely similar in any corner of the globe. A proper pub on a Friday night is just the best thing ever. A fucking great atmosphere that's a laugh to be at, not worrying you're ruining some middle aged couples appetisers in the restaurant that dominates the whole building. Anyone is welcome in a pub, no matter how insane you are, and you get such a wide variety of interesting people, and not the middle aged foodies taking their grandma out to dinner and ruining everyone's experience. Fuck off gastropubs, I want my old pub back.


Criticising Religion 

Any religion and belief must be open to criticism in a civilised society, end of story. I'm constantly getting frustrated with this shield that the average left wing person is putting over the teachings of Islam, that at this current state of affairs need to be discussed. It's not wrong or stupid to suggest there are common beliefs and practices in Islam that are just incompatible with traditional Western values. Sharia Law for example is a widespread belief in the Muslim faith that happily sees the banning on alcohol and suppression of women and homosexuals as a normality. Surely the majority of the Western World disagree with this notion, yet when I want to criticise this belief for being fundamentally wrong I'm labelled a racist. We live in a society that has no problem with bashing Christians for believing in creation, touching kids inappropriately, and thinking homosexuality and abortion is wrong. We also happily mock Jews for being selfish money grabbers that like to fire rockets into neighbouring countries, yet make a strong statement about Islam and you get masked men shooting up your hometown and waves of hate from the left.

Criticising a religion does not automatically make you a racist. Criticising a religion does not automatically make you a bigot. You are subjectively viewing a set of beliefs in the context of a mature debate, which should be actively encouraged in an increasingly diverse landscape. The response to recent tragedies is proof of this blatant denial from the left. There's still radical clerics and Islamic extremists out their spewing this hatred, yet the left just turns a blind eye to these actions or blames the next most likely cause. Hell if you try and state that Islam as a religious teaching may play even the slightest of roles in these tragedies and you're instantly silenced for being Islamophobic, and then criticised for not referencing the majority of Muslims are peaceful individuals. What I'm certainly not saying is that all Muslims are bad people, that I need to clarify, and I have a great respect for the vast majority of harmless individuals, but that still doesn't exclude this religion from criticisms that any modernised society should be making. The act of preventing this type of important debate from happening in the fear that those actions might offend somebody is even more harmful. It's this blind eye to a potentially very serious form of extremism that is partly responsible for the increasing frequency of these terrorist attacks, but still the Western World doesn't seem to want to take these issues at all seriously.