This is the segment where I scour my favourite forums around the internet
and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs
told in the words of my favourite human beings.
In this edition we have yet another article from Everyday Feminism, who've gone past the point of satire, with their writers seemingly in a competition with each other as to who can write the biggest pile of shit. Here we have an article desperately trying to shoehorn the standard feminist rhetoric into animal rights issues. I'm sure you've already guessed the quality of argument on display is going to be absolutely appalling, but you ain't seen nothing yet.
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http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/12/animal-rights-feminist-issue/
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Apparently patriarchy is now responsible for animal cruelty as well. You know when you hear something so many times it loses all meaning. Yeah, well I wouldn't be surprised if these morons started blaming the big bang on this ideological system that seems to incorporate anything that can be perceived as negative. In this example the patriarchy apparently exists just because humanity often dismisses the interests of others, say like Western feminists do to women from Saudi Arabia, who I don't suppose give a single fuck about animal rights. We've learnt many a time that Everyday Feminism exists on its own fucking planet where apparently hypocrisy doesn't exist, but this article manages to ramp up the ignorance to a level that I didn't think was possible.
In what must come as a complete shock the article begins with just generalised nonsense and completely incorrect information. Apparently animals in general can't fight back, which must come as a surprise to the 79 people in the USA attacked by sharks in 2010. In fact may I invite this author to put their head in a tiger's jaws, which should be harmless considering animals can't fight back. I'm also amazed how you can integrate your ideas of consent into animal populations. Of course animals can't give consent because they HAVE NO FUCKING CONCEPT OF WHAT RAPE IS. Animals do not have a comprehension of human language, and have no concept of law, but how does this lead to oppression? And more importantly if this were true then why would women be an oppressed class in human society when they can achieve all these things?
Wow, I wonder why animals can be reduced to fleshy things that can be consumed. Probably because they can be consumed, and are actually a staple part of a balanced diet. I will agree that there is an anthropocentric view of animal personalities, but how does that model stem from the patriarchy? Anthropomorphising separate organisms is common in human nature, but that's an entirely different process as to how a different human sex is treated, or are you really telling me that to the patriarchy women are a different species. That's not the only terrible generalisation in this point though. I don't know what planet this woman lives on, but animals are certainly a fundamental part of many cultural heritages, leading to some organisms being valued over others. You just cannot simply make the claim that all animals are viewed as worthless pieces of meat when there is such a diverse plethora in human attitudes towards animals. Are you really going to tell me that dogs and mosquitoes are treated equally in the Western World?
The simple fact is animal behaviour and feelings are almost a complete unknown, which explains why humans can't relate to them is societal terms. Scientists struggle to identify the origins of fixed action patterns in animals, so it would simply be false to suggest that animals experience humane emotions by sourcing an unscientific news articles about depression in dogs, which may I add doesn't even provide any solid evidence anyway. There is simply no evidence that failing to recognise perceived animal emotions is born out of cultural inconvenience, whatever the hell that even means. It's incredibly hard to empathise with an organism that's developed in isolation from humans for millions of years, and therefore it would be simply be fallacious to blame sociological reasons on their failure to be incorporated into modern society. What we're suggesting in this article is to now start incorporating things that aren't part of human society into it, and then judging those who don't comply to this idiocy by branding them as 'oppressors'. You may well believe that this constitutes as a system of violence, but animal rights issues should never be conflated around this narrative of universal victimhood that solely exists to demonise men. I can only apologise to the author that in finding animals fascinating I as a white man objectify them in a way that's obviously determined by my gender. I'd love to ask whether animals in general give a shit if they're being objectified, considering they have no comprehension of this human derived term. I'm sure they would be horrified in finding out how their potential extinction is now equally as bad as being a woman. Evidently in a sane world animal rights just aren't comparable with women's suffrage.
And can this author fuck off with her rejection over the scientific values of animal experimentation. I hate to break it to her but scientists aren't just psychotic assholes, they're using these animals for vital scientific research. I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar that this author reaps the benefits of animal testing considering almost all experiments in the whole discipline of medicine contain animal testing. A bit of gratitude wouldn't go unnoticed you ungrateful bitch. Animals like mice and monkeys are not primarily used to be objectified, it's because they're model organisms for research. It's vital we use these species as we've mapped their genomes, and so can draw accurate and comparable conclusions; not because we've been conditioned to abuse them. I actually study in a scientific facility that uses live animals and I can reliably inform this author that ethical considerations are a key part of any scientific procedure. I could write this woman a whole fucking essay on the value of ex-situ conservation, which surprisingly she just rejected based on her feelings. Conservation biology goes far deeper than 'making humans laugh', and the majority of zoos haven't operated like that for decades. How about you actually comment on things after some objective research, and then maybe you wouldn't feel the need to tarnish a well respected discipline with your laughable agenda.
So now animal bodies fucking normalise rape culture. Jesus-fucking-Christ. The reasons for this are equally ridiculous. Apparently the proof that animal bodies normalise rape culture is because different sexes are treated differently in the respect of reproduction. This article makes it sound like this is an outrage, but how else does it imagine sexual reproduction fucking works? To then state that this causes their bodies to be under increased control is also scientifically inept. Firstly in evolutionary terms it would actually be males that would undergo the majority of allelic changes. And secondly why aren't male animals controlled during the process of selective breeding? They're forced to produce sperm as well, so how the fuck is this a gender issue? This nonsense can easily be disproved by the Darwinian principle of sexual selection. In some species the inverse happens where male populations are dependent on the number of offspring they rear, such as seahorses and pipefish. So how does their plight differ? We can also disprove this nonsense by examining various life histories of different organisms. Aphids are an organism with a ridiculously high breeding capacity, so under the logic of this article they should be far more objectified than cattle, who despite having relatively low breeding capacities are regularly farmed. This author just can't help but try and force her gender ideas into everything, EVEN INTO A RESPECTED SCIENTIFIC DISCIPLINE THAT ISN'T DEPENDENT ON HER SUBJECTIVE IDEAS.
I also hate this idea that animals in general are all objectified to the same degree despite having such vastly different influences on human society. Simply listing isolated cases is not describing a general trend, and even then why are you trying to force the ideas of consent into factory farmed animals? They're farmed animals, they don't have a fucking clue what the concept of consent is. Rape on the other hand is prevalent in many animal populations, so tell me how this is the fault of the patriarchy. Surely this author is aware that in the wild female animals are still forcibly impregnated right? The logic here is that if consent can't be given it has to be rape culture, so how the fuck do species multiply then you fucking idiot? Are you starting to get the message that animal rights and women's suffrage aren't comparable? There's also no credible sources provided for this 'factual information', which are integral to the argument with such sweeping generalisations. The source provided for the 'repeated rape' point is nothing more than vegan propaganda that still doesn't source any of its statistics. Funnily enough most of the misinformation is unable to be sourced because it's bullshit. Take 'rape racks' for example. That's not an industry term, rather a coined name for an apparatus used in a singular influential experiment. Still, that's not as fundamentally stupid as concluding that because animals are sexed that means rape culture exists in animal populations. Fucking unbelievable.
THERE'S ONLY A CORRELATION. A CORRELATION. STOP MAKING CAUSATIVE ARGUMENTS BY USING CORRELATIVE STUDIES. And here's another hint: If you claim something is proven how about linking a fucking source?
And here we go with this intersectonality bollocks. Where do we draw the line? Shall we start claiming that trees are being oppressed considering by the logic on display here they're both oppressed and living organisms. The fact is certain bodies are more valuable than others, that's quite literally the concept of fitness in evolutionary biology. In conservation biology the selective plight of certain groups is known as a triage, and imposes a moral hierarchy on the conservation of certain animals. The loss of keystone, flagship, or umbrella species for example is far more concerning than the loss of a parasite for example, or someone who writes an article like the one featured here. Please stop tainting solid science with your sociological horseshit. This article even goes as far to say it's pointless to rank how bad each group is oppressed. Of course that must be ignoring the male demographic, who've you've declared don't experience oppression in your hierarchy of victimhood. Again, why are we comparing transgender feminists with animals? Is it any wonder why this intersectionality is not a valid academic discipline for comparisons.
Wait, what the fuck does sexual power relations have to do with animal rights? I just genuinely don't understand how you can think liking cheese or hamburgers is part of a patriarchal script. I fucking love cheese and hamburgers because they taste nice, not because the patriarchy controls my tastebuds. The question for me is whether that love of food is worth the sacrifice of an animal, and for me it is because despite your best efforts to smear farmers based on personal prejudices it's only a minority of farms that wrongly mistreat animals. Again, fuck off with the ridiculous generalisations and comparisons.
To summarise this article is biggest pile of shit I've ever read. How the fuck can you equate the perceived objectification of women in society with human influences on animals. Animals out of curiosity are currently going through a sixth great extinction. Women sure as hell aren't. The logic here is that both women and animals are oppressed, and as such they are therefore identical. Quite simply that's an outrageous logical fallacy. How fucking dare this author start equating scientific debates with her piss poor sociological arguments. Serious science has no place in this fantasy world where all men are the very fabric of evil, and where arguments based on feelings have validity. Maybe I would be more readily accepting of the article if there was a single piece of evidence provided, instead of relying on an appeal to emotion masquerading as a serious piece.
I'm now convinced that 'Everyday Feminism' rely on mentally ill people to write for them, which
I'm sure very much massages their goals of ableism in the workplace, but
only serves to make these authors a laughing stock to anyone with a
functioning brain. You can tell this is a website at the forefront of journalism and academic integrity, and not at all hosting courses to cure toxic whiteness for a significant fee. Surely a serious academic information source would never try an underhanded tactic like that, because that would make them money grabbing swindlers using the deplorable tactic of guilt tripping people into hearing their propaganda. Stay classy 'Everyday Feminism'.
2016, as I love mentioning, was a shit year for music. There were however some standout tracks that shone against the doom and gloom of the commercial charts this year. It's not a particularly prestigious list this one, but in my opinion these were the best songs of the previous year. Here are those that just missed the list: Jacob Sartorius - Sweatshirt: Fucking banger. Sia - Cheap Thrills: Grew on me. Still not a particularly great Sia number however. Kanye West - Famous: Genuinely an astonishing production from a marketing powerhouse. The song itself is nothing special, but even I have to admit Kanye is a creative genius on this one. Zara Larson - Lush Life: Energetic little number that deservedly got popular. Such a likeable track as well. Mitski - Your Best American Girl: I thought this was going to be cliche hipster crap, but fuck me this has a ridiculously good chorus that still gives me goosebumps even now.
#10 David Bowie - I Can't Give Everything Away
Jesus Christ this is a tearjerker. 2016 was just a depressing year in general so I thought a fitting way to kick off the list would be to include David Bowie's first single released after his untimely death. Yeah, this is one of the most meaningful and poignant records ever released, containing a waning Bowie looking back on his great years in the spotlight, creating one final 'Now That's What I Call Classic Bowie' compilation as his swansong. Bowie might not be at his absolute best here, but then I don't expect that kind of magic from a 69 year old cancer patient. I suppose the irony of Bowie's performance here is that he does give everything away, with the 69 year old wrenching his guts out to carry the emotion he puts into this song.
This is a beautiful last hurrah for Bowie on his final ever album, and if there was ever a way Bowie should be remembered in his twilight years then it should be that final guitar solo. This song is by no means the most powerful track on the final album, which I hope to explain later on, but it's certainly a sombre and memorable finale that leaves the album on a cold and mournful tone. This is a song that creates a minimalist atmosphere, relying on the raw power of Bowie's wailing vocals. I also love how the harmonica and saxophone are integrated. It's such a dreamy sound, that it's so easy to get lost in another Bowie fantasy, albeit a far more depressing one than usual. I suppose the overall message of this song is bittersweet. On one hand we have a very pleasant picture of death, but at the same time a haunting last message from a musical icon. There's no doubt that this is a fitting tribute to an absolute legend in the music industry.
#9 Joyce Manor - Fake I.D.
I really wanted to hate any stupid pop punk records this year, especially ones that seem to emphasise the negative sides to teenage drinking, but strangely I actually enjoyed listening to this one. I've never heard of Joyce Manor before, and I probably never will again, but I was at least pleasantly surprised by this brief track. There's a really nice little riff going on throughout the whole song. It's not an annoying riff that overstays its welcome, and actually sounds damn charming if I must say so. Pop punk songs usually fall apart with their guitar work, opting for basic blandness over any style or substance, but this riff turned out to be an exception that's actually really nice to repetitively listen to.
I guess you could say all the technical aspects of the whole song pleasantly surprised me. I thought this would be brash and rough around the edges, but it's surprisingly refined in places and plays into its simplistic style nicely. There's even a decent lyrical theme going on in, which I must praise for a song just over two minutes. Most two minute songs I know substitute complex lyrics for just great noise, but this one covers all bases, and almost wins me over entirely. It does feel a bit empty and rushed in places, and those half-assed vocals don't add anything in places, but that's not a complaint by any means. Short, sweet, and I have absolutely no problem with that.
#8 Coldplay - Adventure of a Lifetime
Yes I know this was released last year, and it wasn't even good enough to make the list then. However we had to lower our standards a lot this year, and it did reach peak popularity after I'd already written last year's list, so it gets a spot on this one. If you're not happy about that please kindly fuck off. Anyway, Coldplay are a very unlikely source for a song on my yearly best lists, but in such a shit year for music this one was actually fairly alright. There's a lot going on, but it's all just decent stuff that doesn't irritate me. I'm not going to confess my love for it all because it's not that great, but not annoying me yet is a good achievement for 2016 music. I do actually enjoy the melody; it sounds great. It's expertly layered, and whilst it's far more artificial than the Coldplay of yesteryear it's still refreshingly upbeat, and upbeat songs stood out like a sore thumb in such a miserable year.
What I like most is that it's something both contemporary but unique. That's emphasised by the catchy intro, which is a bizarre yet almost familiar mix of guitar and synths. For me it just works. It's a Coldplay song you might not feel too bad about dancing over. Yes it's repetitive, yes it's gimmicky, and it's certainly never going to be heralded as an all time great by critics such as myself. But that's not what this song is about, and comparing this to masterpieces is missing the point of its appeal. This is a song to put a smile on your face, a song that wants to get stuck in your head. I wouldn't say this is a bland Coldplay lead single in any sense. That guitar riff alone is enough to keep me stimulated for the whole duration, which is a good thing too as it's not exactly the deepest song of all time. You do at least get to watch apes dancing around in the music video, which from my perspective is fantastic.
#7 Radiohead - Burn The Witch
I'm going to be honest, the majority of the new Radiohead album was pretentious bollocks, which isn't actually surprising in any way. This track on the album however is still guilty of being extremely pretentious, but redeems itself by actually being a damn good song. The lyrics might pan out like a manifesto from The Guardian, but they're actually deep and purposeful, and actually make sense, which must have been a big shock for avid Radiohead listeners. It's well performed as well, with lead singer Thom Yorke's vocals accompanying the melody extremely effectively. The vocals are exactly what you expect from Radiohead; subtle and powerful, with the chorus becoming a brief departure from the growing shrill of the melody. It's actually quite a dark and mysterious song to listen too, with some of the usual Radiohead experimental elements thrown in that have almost become a standard of their varied discography of music.
My favorite element of this song has to be the use of stringed instruments. These strings are used to great effect, yet still confine to the foundations and almost formulaic style of this song. If their intent was to create a sense of atmosphere they certainly fucking did that. There's a certain beauty to be found in this dark tone, and I think the origin of this comes from the use of those strings throughout.
I guess you could say the song sounds like a Coldplay record of yesteryear, which some would take as a compliment I suppose. That's very un-Radiohead, but for once I'm glad Radiohead didn't feel the need to go mad because this song just works best when it sticks to the basics of classic songwriting. Shout out to the music video as well. It's like a disturbing version of the innocent British TV classic 'Trumpton' crossed with a 'pre Nicholas Cage ruining Wicker Man'; and that if you ask me is really fucking cool.
#6 Rat Boy - Get Over It
It's amazing how two Rat Boy songs have made it onto my best songs list two years in a row. Obviously there is absolutely zero bias in this pick if you ignore the fact I went to school with this guy, but to be fair to the man he's pulled out another cracker here. This song easily deserves a spot on this list for its own merits; it's a damn solid track. It's also well produced, well written, nicely structured, and flows really well. That's a rarity in 2016, and even more so on the 'FIFA 17 soundtrack', that this song managed to feature on. Trust me in 'FIFA 17' this song sticks out by a country mile from the rest of the mediocrity, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't seen more fellow gamers praising it.
Maybe people have been less than inclined to praise 'Get Over It' after they've discovered the on screen personality of Rat Boy. Let's be honest this song is all about the personality of Rat Boy, and resembles very much a showcase of the man's charisma. He's centre stage in this one, and actually does a commendable job even if he might come off as a twat, and that's probably because he might actually be one. At the end of the day however I just don't care. This is a good song, so good luck to the lad. Rat Boy at least made 2016 a little more bearable for me.
#5 Childish Gambino - Me & Your Mama
Let me just say I'm in no way a fan of Childish Gambino. I've often found his material lackluster and inconsistent, but not with this one. Fuck me did this come out of left field and surprise the hell out of me with just how good it is. I honestly rolled my eyes a million times the first time I heard the intro because I thought this was going to be just a standard cliched ego trip, which it really, really isn't. What the intro does is build quite theatrically into one of the best fucking riffs I've heard in a long time. Honestly, I orgasmed at that point. That's an amazingly good use of a fuzz guitar, and it leads the song so damn brilliantly. Honestly, the whole song is like a sexual experience. The intro acts as the foreplay, which builds up towards the main event, which then naturally lulls into a satisfying conclusion. At least that's how I assume sexual encounters work. My knowledge of them comes from Dutch DVDs I download on the internet.
Even the gospel track, which I didn't actually enjoy at first, compliments the song really well. If you take every component from this song you realise that every part is a fundamental feature of a structure paced to perfection. There's a seriously sophisticated structure to this one that's absolutely fucking nailed, and that is a damn difficult task to achieve. I was so pleased to hear a the guy with immense passion for his own work singing his lungs out. I've forgotten what that sounded like with modern rock music, so for me this was like going back to early 70's rock. It's a nice fine mix of psychedelia with some lyrical prowess, and trust me I'm a complete sucker for all of that. That cocktail of quality music makes me damn happy, and it's so satisfying to see a completely different Childish Gambino from the one I've accidentally stumbled across before; but then this is exactly what modern soul music should be all about.
#4 Metallica - Atlas Rise
Sorry, I'm a sucker for a bit of Metallica; just let me have this one. In my opinion this was the standout song from this year's mediocre Metallica album, hence why it's placed highly on this list. 'Atlas Rise' is business as usual for Metallica. A solid solo, solid riffs, solid lyrics, solid structure, and solid vocals. It's all there, but then I suppose that's come to be expected from these ever-present metal gods. It's nothing revolutionary I'll admit, but I for one am impressed that Metallica have maintained that consistently high caliber that brought them to the dance. Frontman James Hetfield's vocals somehow haven't faded that much despite years of constant abuse, and neither have Kirk Hammet's riffs, which are on point in this one like they almost always are. You could be forgiven for thinking this was released twenty years ago during Metallica's heyday, as there's enough classical Metallica elements around to make you think nothing has changed with these guys.
I guess I now have to gush over the standard Metallica vibrancy, the passion, and the depth that made this band great. 'Atlas Rise' has all this, and it even has it's own exclamation mark in case for some reason you didn't think this was going to be an energetic number. Spoiler alert; it is energetic. It might not be a symphony of astronomic quantities of testosterone like it once would be, but you can still hear the once mighty roar of these metal legends trying to make themselves heard over their growing sea of doubters. I don't know what it's going to take to kill these guys off, but this is proof that although the overall quality has dropped somewhat, they can still rock the house down a million times better than most rock bands could only dream of. I'd go as far as saying this is one of the best songs Metallica have released this century, and by their high standards that's damn high praise.
#3 David Bowie - Lazarus
You didn't think I was going to ignore the most powerful song on Bowie's final album did you? Sod any of that 'one artist per list' bullshit, this is David-fucking-Bowie we're talking about. 'Lazarus' in my opinion was head and shoulders better than the lead single 'Blackstar'. 'Lazarus' is deeper, so much fucking deeper. This is a man brutally explaining the feelings he has over his impending demise. It hits home in just about every single line, having the ability to pluck at heart strings and emotionally destroy any David Bowie fans. As a result the song has an unsettling and emotional atmosphere. The horns and bass line combine to produce a melancholic tone that underlines the whole 'Blackstar' album, but it's hear that sadness is properly brought to the forefront. This all culminates in a beautiful saxophone solo that will simply astound you on a first listen. This however is still nothing on the lyrical genius displayed in this song. This is possibly one of the most powerful and somber songs ever released in terms of lyrical content. You can physically hear the man's fear going into the unknown. Just look at some of these lyrics:
Look up here, I'm in heaven
I've got scars that can't be seen
I've got drama, can't be stolen
Everybody knows me now
The real tragedy in this one is that Bowie was battling cancer. That's what makes this piece so emotional; it's like a final plea before death expressed in a way only Bowie can manage. Of all the many eulogies surrounding this man, surely this is the most powerful tribute to a man that influenced the lives of so many people. After all, who else can sum up the life of a man as legendary as David Bowie than the creative mastermind himself?
#2 Jimmy Eat World - Get Right
This was a personal choice. Well to be fair all my choices are personal, but this is a song that nobody else seemed to like, so in protest it gets a very high spot on this list. 'Get Right' is a song that's by no means a technical masterpiece, but one that I genuinely enjoy listening to. It's carefree and easy, and I love that in music. I'm sure post-punk indie lovers are going to be put off by this very commercially viable track, but I don't buy into that subculture, so I just don't care. For one 'Get Right' has got a cracking guitar riff coupled with an equally cracking bass line. It's a surprisingly heavy noise from these classic alt-rockers, and it carries the song really well. At its core this is deadly simple, but still showing how you don't have to over-complicate things to nail a song. Even the chorus decides against deviating from the core structure, and just rambles on to fit this song's narrative.
For me rock music has been best this year when it's been kept simple, and this was the core example. The vocals are also surprisingly crisp. Remember this is meant to be a band who've already reached their peak in the music business, but here the vocals are powerful yet subdued, and show zero signs of any ageing. That's not to say this isn't a lively number. I personally think this would sound fucking great live, but even the studio recording is full of energy without going overboard. I honestly don't see where all the hate for this song is coming from. This is just charming music from a band that have proven they can still produce great stuff. This might not be Jimmy Eat World at their very best, but you can't have everything, especially when this is a band supposedly on a comeback.
#1 Ghost - Square Hammer
Wow, wow, wow, did this song come out of absolutely nowhere. For me 'Square Hammer' was easily the sleeper hit of the year, and it comes from a Swedish heavy metal band of all places. This was the best song I heard all year by a long way, and I'm not claiming it's anywhere near a symphony of heavy metal perfection, but this is a surprisingly good number from a band I'd never heard of before. Overall this is a really well written and structured song. I don't know what the hell it's about, something about devil worshiping probably, but it sounds cool which is the main thing for me. The pacing is also on point, with a neat guitar solo integrated into a killer riff that will have you hooked for days. I for one have been singing this in the shower more times than I'd like to admit.
The chorus is so damn catchy, easily as catchy as a pop song designed to be an earworm, yet this isn't lazy and actually fairly creative for a song in a formulaic genre. Not all rock songs work as earworms, but this one certainly does. I can sing along to this for days and steel feel the same buzz from blaring out the chorus. Ghost is such an apt name for these guys, because everything about this track is Gothic and mysterious, but not so much in a cliche way, rather an almost old school styling with a modern kick. 'Square Hammer' had to be the best song of the year from me, and all from a band you've probably never heard of.
