Top 10 Worst Disney Films

I've already counted down the films that make 'Disney' special to me, but now it's time for those films at the other end of the scale. Sometimes 'Disney' forget about what makes their films great, and actually just produce a load of bollocks. The following is the ten worst 'Disney' films of all time.

#10 The Sword in the Stone (1963) (4/10)

Proof here that not all 'Disney' films that are based on classic books are instantly great films. This is a key example of how not to use the 'Disney' magic when writing a story about the legendary King Arthur, which as I'm sure you're aware is a rather serious mythical tale for men with beards and not young impressionable children. Basically 'Disney' thought they could add in some quirky humour that unfortunately has not aged well, and a paper thin narrative to create what is a very mediocre film. The only difference between this and the legendary tale of King Arthur is that this is told from the perspective of a child, and so the whole film is about educating someone on how to be a king, which on the face of things isn't very exciting when compared to the actual story. The rest, well the rest is a big mess where lots of pointless scenes will leave you feeling a bit confused. I certaiunly don't remember the proper King Arthur falling in love with a squirrel.

I suppose the end result isn't too bad. The film fails to capture anything that made previous 'Disney' animated films great, and at no point did it ever feel like an epic coming of age tale. The main problem is that it's just not charming, and it never once feels special. Rushed is how I would describe the whole feeling. It's just so different to the story it's based on that the message just gets lost inbetween the overproduced scenes and the awful songs that were so out of place on a 'Disney' musical. Somehow 'Disney' managed to get the fantasy adventure all wrong this time, despite having done it countless times before. This is just a standard cartoon that wants to make money, and in that case it looses what makes a great 'Disney' classic. It's a shame that this was the last animated film ever produced by Walt Disney himself, and so he certainly didn't go out in style. I guess when he asked the production team to set his next film in the dark ages he didn't realise the ironic twist that would plague his last animated classic. Oh well, thankfully nobody remembers this one.

#9 Pocahontas (1995) (3/10)

Now we come to the main reason why 'Disney' should stick clear of anything historical, as obviously they didn't learn their lesson with the film mentioned above. This is another case of failing to add the 'Disney' magic to what should always be a very serious story. I thought they had the right set up for a good film. For example they actually portray the Native Americans as human beings, which is a first in the ethnocentric and rather racist vision of Walt Disney. It all starts to go downhill when the protagonist falls in love with a British man named John Smith, who must have been taking a break from making very nice bitter in Tadcaster. Why 'Disney' felt the need to vomit all over what could have been a pleasant romance is a big question, and being as the actual story in real life is more interesting than the film, I have to say that the final product is rather a wasted opportunity. 'Disney' actually decided to get rid of the interesting parts of the story and replace it with monotonous and unnecessary garbage that fails to highlight any issues that should be raised from a historical tale.

The resulting pointless drivel leaves such a waste of a talented cast. It has the voice of Mel Gibson, who at this stage of his career was only acting at being a racist prick. It even has the iconic voice of Billy Connolly, who unfortunately wasn't allowed to use his favorite 'fuck off' expression, as that would have certainly spiced up this bland children's film. In fact the only thing that wasn't dull in this film was the 'extra smooth' John Smith, who thankfully wasn't as bad as the pun I just made. Pocahontas on the other hand just annoys me in every scene, which isn't great coming from a protagonist that I'm supposed to feel sympathetic for. Nor do I care much for her stupid anthropomorphic companions who add virtually nothing to the film; they don't help in any way, and they're just another example of 'Disney' adding pointless roles because they look a bit cute. And I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to review this without mentioning the historical inaccuracies that plague every scene. I know it's a children's film, but if you're going to make a film about history then you can't just bend the truth. Some of the changes I do agree with, such as raising Pocahontas' age so her relationship with the much older John Smith isn't creepy. But then there's things such as her name and family that are so easy to fix if 'Disney' had just bothered to do some research. I wouldn't go as far to say this film is racist, but by changing the actual story it looses any message that surely should come naturally to a harrowing tale. Let's hope 'Disney' don't try and add their magic touch to the Anne Frank story, because that would end up like this car crash.

#8 Home on the Range (2004) (3/10)

You know a film is going to be bad when the plot seems to be taken from 'Sex and the City'. This is the animated adventure of three painfully unfunny cows that can't act and have the charisma and screen presence of potatoes. This is only made worse by the unbelievably boring plot that involves these cows trying to save their farm from bounty hunters, who for some reason feel the need to buy all the farms in rural America. That plot point was never explained, but then neither was anything else in this dumb and immature travesty. 'Disney' teaches us in this underdog story that by being cruel to animals you can get far in business, which I'm sure wasn't their intention, but there honestly isn't any other moral conclusion that can be found inside this terribly weak narrative.

It's a shame really as it only shoots itself in the foot by becoming completely unlovable, and this is only heightened by the sheer lack of entertainment value. This might have been excusable on a shoestring budget, but the only good joke to originate from this film is that the whole production cost 110 million US dollars. Where the fuck did that money go, straight into Michael Eisner's pocket? It certainly didn't pay for anything in this film, as the production value is just total shit. To enjoy this as an art form you have to be completely brain dead. It's a half assed attempt at something trying to become a proper 'Disney' film, and just desperately hoping to do everything at once without realising what a stupid mess it had become. Even the animation had become something to criticise; something that 'Disney' films of old have always perfected. I want to know who thought this would be a successful feature film. I doubt it would pass on Cartoon Network.

#7 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) (3/10)

Oh what a surprise, 'Disney' ruining yet more classic stories. Maybe this one should have been an animation, as the serious tone in this one did not reminisce with the fantasy adventure dreamed of by C.S Lewis. I don't think people realised that Narnia had lost all its charm, and so this film was very successful at the box office, and actually welcomed some positive reviews. For me though, it just gets the style all wrong. This isn't what Narnia is supposed to be like. Narnia isn't some completely average world that never once feels special. Narnia isn't a boring landscape that can't be saved by a few standout scenes. Narnia isn't less exciting that the bombed out ruins of London that the children try to escape from. Narnia is one of my favorite places as a child, and this film just doesn't live up to that. Even Liam Neeson as Aslan couldn't save it from my wrath, and that's a role that suits him down to the ground. In fact the only meritable thing about this film is listening to people from Yorkshire trying to pronounce it, which is almost as comical as the pathetic performances that we see in littered throughout this movie.

The children were always going to be the toughest roles to fill. In keeping with the original story the protagonists have to be young children, and because it's not animated I have to scrutinize their pretty poor performances. I've never liked children as actors, and these four felt pretentious and bland like their counterparts. I suppose you can't really blame them as people, in fact they've probably matured into well rounded actors by now, but to hire four unknown children as a starring role in such a big film was always going to be a case of too much, too young, too fast. Sure they weren't helped by the poor screenplay and poor directing, but their disjointed performances kept in the tradition of the film's weak and woeful narrative that never does the original novel any justice. I just get the sense that there was a lack of coordination between the production crew, and whilst one half wanted to focus on a beautiful world, the other wanted to make it a gritty drama. The result is that neither of these styles are satisfied, and so the end product is a meaningless film that sends out mixed messages on things that just don't matter. Then to top it all off the thing goes on for five fucking years. I didn't realise when I sat down to watch the film that it was in real time, because that's what it fucking felt like. The same things over and over again is not a charming experience, and somehow 'Disney' managed to make a wardrobe with teleportation powers boring. Impressive stuff guys.

#6 The Aristocats (1970) (3/10)

Why the hell should I be made to care about poorly animated cats? Especially these generic cats that have no personality. I suppose I should have seen this poor film coming when the title is one of the worst puns of all time. I'm actually offended by how bad the title is, and that sort of sums up everything else in this horrible, horrible film. The story is about some annoyingly rich crazy cat lady who for some reason decides to leave ALL her fucking money with the cats, because they're really going to have an understanding of personal finance. It makes you wonder how the fuck she got rich in the first place, as giving money to cats isn't a sound business practice. Not surprisingly her most treasured butler gets pissed off with this, and who can blame him since he has now become more worthless than some cats, and so he kidnaps the annoying little wankers. To me this isn't villainous behaviour, and that's the main problem with the concept of this film, as I end up not caring about anyone.

The cats are the main problem though; they're just stupid in every single way. All of them are just so forgettable that the only one I can still remember is 'Scat Cat', who is a character I would not enjoy learning about why he's called that. Who the fuck names a cat after a love of being shit on? It's time like these that I think it's a good thing that 'Disney' often just does remakes of already existing books, because this so called original material is just a cheap rip off of '101 Dalmatians', which to be fair wasn't a bad film. However this film just adapts that story and adds hated characters, but forgetting to remove the cliche ridden storyline that has the depth of Kim Kardashian's personality. I don't know if there was ever a serious message attached to the plot, and I don't know if it was ever meant to be entertaining, but it fails at both of these tasks in a really dull fashion. This feels like a bodged job that steals everything it has from other films that are just so much better.

#5 Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001) (3/10)

This is when 'Disney' tried to tackle the sci-fi genre in their animation. This didn't work primarily because the narrative is so bog standard and predictable that you can call the whole thing before it even happens. The plot is essentially someone who beleives Atlantis exists, and so against all the odds finds it with a crackpot crew who help him face tough adversity. Predictably he does find it, but the end result is not how he planned. That's just plot writing 101, and at no point does this film ever attempt to push the boat out in a lazy, lazy movie. Chief among these problems is the ensemble of characters, who are just intolerable. Watching these characters is a similar experience to that of a Benetton commercial. I know we live in a politically correct society where every race has to be featured for the stupid purpose of equality, but that doesn't mean the filmmakers have to shove mildly offensive stereotypes out their asses in order to fill a boat of totally irrelevant characters. It's no wonder this film flopped when you have such lame personalities.

I don't know if you remember the last 'Indiana Jones' film. Well that got panned for the same reasons as this. The twist at the end is meant to be clever, but what the hell 'Disney' were doing putting a complex message in a children's film is unbelievable. Surely to accommodate this revelation you would need to shift your focus in target markets, but 'Disney' don't, 'Disney' just dish out another childish plot that misses every member of the audience, creating a film that nobody will ever enjoy. In the end this just becomes a boring cartoon, which is strange for a company as established in the market as 'Disney'. I appreciate that they wanted to move in a new direction, but you just can't excuse a film that suffers from age old problems that could easily be rectified. Even the voices of Leonard Nimoy and Michael J. Fox couldn't save this film from disappointment. Those two legendary actors couldn't stop 'Disney' from creating a pile of utter shite. It's little surprise that this was a box office failure.

#4 The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride (1998) (2/10)

Okay this might be cheating a little bit since this did technically come out directly to DVD, but I couldn't possibly discount a film that almost managed to ruin what many people consider the best 'Disney' film of all time. I could have included the many other 'Disney' sequels that have also been dreadful, and trust me there's been many, but this is the one that pissed me off the most. I just don't get why the sequel to your most succesful film isn't released in the cinema. Why would 'Disney' restrict the audience to a film that was bound to make tons of money? It's almost like they knew how badly it was going to go wrong, and so in the end just released a purposely bad sequel to milk all the profits they could. One thing that shouldn't be affected by the budget is the story, and that's something that even this film managed to get all wrong. It's essentially about babysitting, and I'm sorry but the obsession with kids and families in this goes too far, and is in no way interesting. The original film was captivating to the final moments, but this just causes you to switch off halfway through as it slowly lets you down one painful scene at a time.

I just don't understand how it goes so badly wrong in a few years. They had the potential to produce a great sequel, but elementary things like the once lovable characters and brilliant voice acting have just gone missing. The magic just seems to have vanished, and even iconic characters like Simba have turned into boring twats that nobody seemed to care about. Shout out to the antagonist, Zira, who's actually brilliant, and almost as good as Scar in the original. That's still not enough to save a wilting cast that destroyed my childhood thanks to their substandard efforts. But worst of all is the music, which is just hopeless. I don't know if all the composers employed by 'Disney' were on holiday at the time, but this pathetic attempt to try and recreate the epic scores of Hans Zimmer and Elton John is just disgusting. It's a musical soundtrack so poor that supermarkets wouldn't even play it; and that sort of sums up the film in a nutshell. It's such a huge let down compared with the stellar production of the first. 'Disney' knew they couldn't match the original, but that's still no excuse for just not bothering. Please, show the viewer you care about cinema; the least you could have done is tried.

#3 Mars Need Moms (2011) (0/10)

This film sort of sums up the 'Disney' product in these modern times. This abomination was appalling in every single way. I want to know who thought a premise as stupid as this would be a meritable production, and I want that simple minded person to be publicly executed for a film that no sane person could even watch. Thankfully it wasn't an original concept, but the author of the book should be ashamed of himself for letting 'Disney' vomit all over his pride and joy with this cringeworthy and poor attempt at making what 'Disney' thought would be art. The plot and script are stupid in every single scene, and I know kids aren't regularly geniuses, but even they must realise that they're being patronised by themes that are so dumb it's beyond human comprehension. It's not as if it's anything new either; it's just another alien abduction style film that I thought died out in the 1960's. Really there is so much wrong with this abysmal piece of shit, but I would have to focus my complaints on the characters, who are about as interesting as the pitiful fucking narrative. They're all horribly voice acted, and end up looking like whatever the hell that thing is above. Why the fuck would I want to watch that? It's like the shittest LSD trip ever.

You might think that with those interesting visuals the themes would be quite quirky, but oh no, 'Disney' decided to set the thing in the dullest 'Ladybird' book imaginable that makes Middlesborough seem like Las Vegas. The main character, or 'mom' as idiots would call her, deserves nothing but a painful death, as the only reason I'm meant to empathise with her is because she does a lot of housework. That's literally it. Nothing ever exciting happens in this setting, but then I don't really care in a film with as little charm as this. Do the 'Disney' executives honestly think this is what families want to watch? If so then bring on the nuclear winter, I'm so fucking done with this world. Where's that passion for film gone? Where's those interesting and intricate plots gone? The only entertaining thing about this film is how badly it bombed at the box office. Embarrassingly it only made 39 out of its 150 million dollars back, which proves that viewers must have been as pissed off as me about the total lack of effort that went into this shambles. Thanks 'Disney', thanks for this genital wart of a movie.

#2 Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009) (-1000/10)

This film must take the record for the amount of times I can vomit in the space of 90 minutes. If you are planning to watch this, then I implore you against that, and if you're being forced to then make sure to bring an extra large bucket to throw up in during every agonizing scene. I'm aware that it was never likely to be any good, but when you have such a idiotic TV show as a base you have to wonder what anyone was thinking when they released they created this mess of a film. I don't even understand the premise, which is never a good sign in a film for children. If I'm not mistaken the film is split between the pop star life of the alter ego of Miley Cyrus and the fake representation of the real life situations of fake pop star Miley Cyrus, or Hannah Montana, or whatever the fuck she decides to be called in this scene. The only difference is that the real, I mean fake Miley Cyrus is somehow different because she puts a wig on, and for some reason that changes her whole life. Can it get any more confusing? Well yes actually as the production team hired Miley Cyrus' real dad to play her fake dad for both the real alter ego of her and also her fake alter ego. I suppose they do share the family traits of being shit actors and musicians, and overall it just gives me another excuse to hate the irritating characters that keep popping up in whatever the hell this is.

But this film is so much worse than the usual 'Miley Cyrus' on TV. If you thought her singing is bad, which it is, then just wait until you go through her fucking private life. Jesus-fucking-Christ. I know it's a film aimed at pre-pubescent girls, but as a human being I couldn't care less about than her stupid relationships that are supposed to be inspirational. The final message is quite clear; always be yourself, unless of course you're the alter ego of Miley Cyrus and then you're legally under contract by 'Disney' to be another person so they can make money off of your pathetic existence. Still, I'm glad that attitude backfired horribly on 'Disney' in a few years, as Ms. Cyrus certainly did become herself, even if that does mean going mental. Hard to say which one I prefer really, shit music or even shitter music with some characters thrown in that communicate using annoying noises that are beyond human comprehension. The final message that I get is that if anyone is inspired, or can relate to Miley Cyrus then they deserve nothing less than waterboarding. I just can't believe that society has got to such a low point that we're now taking life skills off of some fake pop star's fake alter ego. In the immortal words of Charlie Brooker: "Hannah Montana is the only evidence to support the Chinese policy of aborting baby girls at birth." I only wish I had been aborted so I didn't have to watch this travesty in my lifetime. 

#1 High School Musical (2006)  (-15000/10)

I guess this was quite an easy one to predict. You could put any 'High School Musical' you want here as they all suffer from the same rinse and repeat formula that drives me insane. Walt Disney must be turning in his grave at the thought of this piece of shit being released in his legendary name. At what point in the past did 'Disney' decide that terrible music accompanied by terrible acting would merit a whole trilogy of excrement? If anyone can find anything more annoying in the history of cinema then I want to know about it, as I'm pretty confident it can't get any worse than this. I was told by somebody that the plot is actually inspired by 'Romeo & Juliet', which means this hellish film decides to dance all over the grave of not just Walt Disney, but William Shakespeare as well. I can't say I'm a huge fan of Shakespeare, but at least he could put together a decent romantic storyline. This plot is centered around a boy named Troy, who's a short, white basketball player played by Zac Efron. I'm not sure I would use the word 'played', as really Zac Efron has no acting ability in a month of Sundays, and 'Disney' didn't help by portraying him as a character I thought was a physical impossibility. Still, at least good old Troy is a little bit different, but as for the rest of the characters, well they're as generic as possible.

I just despise the music and the acting, which is sort of everything that makes this film any different. The love story for example is just painfully awkward to watch, as I'm supposed to care about characters that are all completely shit and worthless in every single way. Surely if they were going to continue with the theme of a stereotypical US high school one of the scenes would have to be them running away from a gunman, or better yet watching Zac get stabbed due to the ongoing race war. 'Disney' used to be able to tackle these big issues, but dumbing down the content in their new content just turns your brain into a pile of mush that is the exact opposite of what should happen with all this progress in society. The traditional animated films were crafted with some magic and loving care. This attempt is just soulless. Maybe I'm missing the point. Maybe the target market want a life like this, and so 'Disney' have sold their soul to the lowest common denominator. But to me this setting just feels like a dystopian nightmare, and as much as I hated school, it will never be anywhere near as bad as whatever fucking hellhole this place is. Thankfully my old school never had irritating students who would burst into song in a random corridor, and a good job too, or I would have throttled them to death. I'm pretty sure 'Ofsted' would also have something to say about that, and if anything they would probably close down the school when they realised it was infected with some parasite that made the students lip sync along to unbearably annoying songs. Even a mental asylum has more sane people in it. If high schools in America really are like this then I'm glad there's so many school shootings, as then at least there's less chance of assclowns like this lot ever existing.