Top 10 Worst Movie Musicals

I've already explained that I don't like the concept of musical films when I counted down my ten favorites. So here now is the much more competitive worst list that shows off the worst cases of pointlessly prancing around to music it's possible to imagine.

#10 The King and I (1999) (3/10)

You know a musical is bad when the head of Rodgers and Hammerstein decides that allowing this film to be made was the biggest mistake he ever made, and he's payed to promote Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals. Why anyone thought 'The King and I' would make a good animated film is beyond me; it never was suited to children, and despite the director making some changes aimed at children and not bothering with the rest, that was never going to change. The result is a film that's really fucking dull, only proving that dumbing down a classic work doesn't work in any way; a fact that many others on this list could have also realised before ruining popular musicals.

The biggest sin about this film however is that Warner Bros. got it into their heads that they could try and copy some of that iconic 'Disney magic' and put that into a lifeless film. They couldn't, and as a result the serious plot becomes overrun with stupid little animals that in my opinion would have performed better if the scenes were set in a woodchipper. But even the stupid animal sidekicks were nothing compared to the hideous romantic subplot that makes 'Titanic' seem like a great romantic novel for the ages in comparison. When you're not vomiting at the woeful plot you can at least enjoy some polished visuals, and some of the songs aren't too bad for a musical, although I still would never describe this as a decent animated flick. This film is certainly not the worst film in the world, just one without any joy or excitement. Not surprisingly the consequences of this dismal film was a box office bomb, only making back 11 million dollars from an original budget of 25 million. Turns out children can work out when a musical is shit.


#9 Glitter (2001) (1/10)

This film's release was the worst thing to happen to America in September 2001. But seriously, Mariah Carey did actually blame the recent atrocities for the terrible reception and ultimate failing that this film succumbed to. I can instantly see what she means; only a film as poor as this could make the events of '9/11' a more positive thing to watch. There is nothing I would rather not watch than Mariah Carey acting, except maybe her singing, but unfortunately for me this film has an emphasis on both. Only a person like Helen Keller could ever enjoy a film so painful to watch, and she's dead so it's no real surprise that this film bombed. I just feel sorry for Americans. Not only did they witness a terrorist attack in their own country, but now some of them witnessed horror on a different scale in the cinema.

I know I bang on a lot about films full of cliches, but this film puts the rest to shame. The plot and script are essentially one big cliche, even making the life changing event of death not seem meaningful in any way. Even the seasoned musician that is Mariah Carey couldn't sing her way out of some of the worst acting I've ever come across and also one of the most generic and bland plots in recent memory. Unfortunately Mariah couldn't even manage the singing part, screeching her way through multiple terrible musical numbers, only providing comic relief with how awful her whole performance is. Thanks Mariah Carey; thanks for ruining musicals for everyone. I never much liked them to begin with, but now even the lifelong fans of musicals will hate you. In terms of 'Glitters' this is the most harmful to young girls I know of; even worse than Gary Glitter.


#8 Grease 2 (1982) (3/10)

I never actually like the original 'Grease', and so for me the second one wasn't so much a disappointment, just an annoying and ridiculous spectacle that managed to be so much worse than the now iconic original. I admire the brave move of trying to mix up a proven and popular formula, but the new cast and new songs do nothing to impress me. In essence they feel like a cheap money laundering production, robbing the viewer of an original experience, dancing over the grave of the original and sucking all the nostalgia out the franchise. All this to try and get people to part with cash and it's no surprise that this film does not have the image or attention that the original gained. Toying with the themes of motorbikes and repetitive songs like a man dangling keys to grab your attention was never going to be a winning formula.

Maybe this film would be more memorable if it wasn't for the barrage of mediocrity launched at the audience, ditching genuine quality for a love of songs that you would only find free in a newspaper and the quality of acting that you could find at your local theater. 'Grease 2' makes the cardinal sin for musicals in that the songs don't compliment the narrative, and any excuse to break into song is taken like it was some afterthought that only came about because the original did it, so they just copy that blueprint and ignore any sort of creative integrity. The above song is an example of the musical genius at work in this film, although when I say 'genius' I really mean ineptitude. There's no chemistry in that song, no passion on display. Nobody making this film ever seemed to care, only wanting to make a quick buck on a winning formula. 


#7 Rent (2005) (3/10)

'Rent' is a good example of how a musical that works on the stage can easily be ruined by poor execution. Not only does the cover look like the cast of Hollyoaks if they lived in a mental asylum, but the music is also so bad that even Westlife would be appalled upon giving it a listen; and they have to listen to Westlife music. I get that this musical was meant to be more of a rock opera, but it somehow misses the point of both the rock and opera genres by a country mile. The primitive and repetitive songs take the fun out of this musical, making a mockery of the popular stage show. Director Christopher Columbus does a terrible job, and even for a 509 year old deceased explorer this is a shoddy job that feels at every moment like the director has the talent of a corpse. As apparently do the marketing team who thought that film cover is acceptable for a serious and cutting edge musical.

The main plot of the film, which is terribly executed, is based around pressing issues like sexuality and AIDS, although at no point do they ever feel important to the narrative. In all honesty I'm glad the characters in the film have AIDS. With the shoddy performances they come up with I can only assume that karma does exist after all; it's the least they deserve for contributing to such utter crap. Aside from the performances of the actors the rest of the film suffers from the usual cliches that plague many a musical. The whole thing feels pretentious, the story is crap and feels synthetic, and nobody apart from militant homosexuals could ever be moved by themes explored so badly, but then homosexuals like all musicals. Unfortunately this is a musical that annoys me, despite being technically nowhere near as bad as the rest on this list.


#6 A Chorus Line (1985) (2/10)

Just what the fuck was this? It's like the choreographer wanted to show everyone his love of gay cruises and watching amateurs making a fool out of themselves by dancing. I don't know what idiot thought pairing cheesy 80's music with a serious musical was going to work, but the result is like watching a crappy infomercial. How they then managed to balls up a concept as simple as that so badly is unbelievable, but somehow they managed to create a vile mix of shit that takes the worst sounds imaginable and then couple that with some no name talents to dance to it.

The problems stem from the choice of director. It's Richard Attenborough, a man who with the right film can show off his gifts, but in a musical I don't want the man behind the excruciatingly boring 'Gandhi' to give me a camp, high energy musical. Attenborough and silly musicals were never going to work as a concept, and the results are bright and colourful sequences being shredded into every shade of brown and grey imaginable. The energy of the cast is pointlessly wasted on a hopeless premise, but even the cast's passion seems to wane by the end. Hard to imagine that the original stage show was once the longest running musical in the history of Broadway.


#5 Burlesque (2010) (2/10)

The main problem with this film aside from the presence of Christina Aguilera, who could only maybe improve a burning orphanage if she was trapped inside, is that the whole production just isn't burlesque. A cliche ridden mess is what the film actually is, but that's not such a catchy title. The whole point of burlesque performances is that they should be nothing like cliches, instead being caricatures of conventional material, which this film never does. It's a pointless musical that only showcases how annoying Christina Aguilera is in any film. All she manages to do is copy Mariah Carey's example and wail herself through various solos, contributing heavily to the cheap and lousy production of this film. 'Burlesque' has the audacity to try and remind the audience of a golden age in showbiz, yet only serves as a painful reminder that a selection of films never know when to shut down their frankly amateurish cast.

As a technical musical this film has zero quality. The dialogue is painful just to listen to, as are the songs, as is watching the quality of acting. If for some people this constitutes some sort of innocent charm then those people need their heads examined. There's no substance to this film, nothing to make it stand out from any other average production. Admittedly this film has Cher in it, who's mannequin like appearance at least make her standout, but not her lackluster performance that should be of little interest to anyone with eyes. At no point during watching this did I think it was ever worth making; it's not entertaining, and it only succeeds at being of some comic value due to how poorly some of the technical aspects are executed. But then again I'm not a menopausal woman who might on occasion be the only demographic to get a kick of this shitheap.


#4 Phantom of the Opera (2004) (3/10)

Joel Schumacher, famous for ruining Batman for everyone, now decides he's going to ruin an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. It turns out to the surprise of nobody that when you take two of the most unpopular entities in the universe and try and make a musical about them they create a pile of shit. Who knew? Well actually the people that paid money to see this highly anticipated film and watched in horror at the results. Okay there might be a few nice visuals to occasionally gaze at, but this handsome facade is one that hides a deep underlying layer of crap that replaces any form of art throughout any of this film.

I have admitted in the past that stage musicals are not my favorite thing in the world, but I would prefer watching 'Phantom of the Opera' in the theater where you don't get soppy romances and shallow characters that have zero presence in any scenes. This film is so one dimensional that iconic characters such as The Phantom of the Opera himself become just average characters, and that's amazing since his defining characteristic is meant to be that he's disfigured, which you would of thought would make the character at least a little bit different. In this film there is no fun and quirky world that the viewer can enjoy. Instead there's a world filled with dubbed vocals, boring performances, lackluster songs and just a lifeless feeling to everything. Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum in the lead roles are just hopeless, and Schumacher managed to drill the final nail in the coffin with his abysmal directing.


#3 The Wiz (1978) (1/10)

This embarrassingly low spot on the list isn't taken by the actual 'Wizard of Oz' sequel which everyone loves to hate, rather the African American response to an absolute classic. For whatever reason, probably money, Motown decided to hijack the successfully legacy in what may just be one of the most significant films of all time by spending a lot of money on stupid stuff and just generally ruining a family favorite. If the lazy story that has no real differences to the original doesn't leave a sour taste in your mouth then the terrible songs that shit on the originals certainly will. It seems amazing to me that there are two musicals that manage to be worse than this considering that in terms of huge steaming dumps of excrement this is a gigantic and rancid pile of the stuff. The original 'Wizard of Oz' made me realise the wondrous things that could be achieved through cinema, where as 'The Wiz' makes me seriously question why cinema was even invented in the first place. There's no sense of wonder or fantasy, just boring scenes with weak, rip off characters that never once feel exciting or interesting.

I don't know what idiot decided that instead of Oz, this film should be set in New York, but I want to find out why that person thought that New York could even compare to any fantasy realm. Even worse is when you populate New York with not Judy Garland, but Diana Ross, famous for not being an actor. Not surprisingly Ross can sing perfectly fine, but the iconic role of Dorothy is now transformed into some annoying and stereotypical crazy black lady, and nobody wants that. I never thought I would see the day when Dorothy would become annoying as a character, but Diana Ross managed it mere decades after the original film's initial release. The rest of the cast aren't much more talented, and there's even an appearance from Michael Jackson as 'Scarecrow'. Of course now he's known as the 'Scarechild', which might be why the above clip shows him being crucified by bad dancers dressed in terrible costumes that you might find in a primary school nativity play, but that would be disrespecting both amateur nativity plays and arguably the best scene in the entire film. 'The Wiz' ended up losing 10 million dollars at the box office, which at least restores some of my faith in humanity. It will at least make Hollywood think twice before spending stupid amounts of money on crappy musicals with expensive costumes and terrible dancers.


#2 Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978) (-5/10)

In the iconic words of Kirk Douglas "YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" But this was worse than blowing up the Statue of Liberty. Not only did this happen in real life, but Hollywood actually decided to comprehensively ruin what is possibly the greatest album of all time. This damnation is done in such a painful way that even die hard musical fans will be left squirming, let alone what it will do to people who enjoy quality music. Nobody in the history of the world has ever wanted to see some of The Beatles' greatest work get ruined by the fucking Bee Gees, or worse still watch this crime against humanity that misses the entire point of the revolutionary album. Okay it might occasionally put a smile on your face with just how awful the whole spectacle is, but then you come to the sudden realisation that they're actively burying great art with some utterly dreadful performances from the huge cast that somehow manage to ruin timeless pieces with shameless ripoffs.

The only thing that the two entities do match up on is that they're both revolutionary pieces of art. However this film is revolutionary because of just how embarrassing the whole thing is. The results are a disgusting atrocity that recycles tired old cliches, shits on musical heritage, embarrasses a whole generation of music lovers, produces some truly unbearable songs, makes a less coherent plot than the actual album and completely miss the point and tone of any songs in the album. What fucking idiots thought they could rewrite a legend when they couldn't even get the basics right? Listening to The Bee Gees covering 'A Day in the Life' has to go down as one of the worst moments in my life, and as for Steve Martin's take on 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer', well that has to be seen to be believed. Actually don't watch it, all it will do is make you doubt humanity as a whole.


#1 Mamma Mia (2008) (-15,000/10)

As a human being I can never forgive myself for watching a single second of this shambolic film. Over the years I have seen many disgusting videos on the internet that often involve people being beheaded or mutilated, but none of these videos have the same shock factor as watching the crime against humanity that is 'Mamma Mia'. Why Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan haven't been hanged yet is nothing short of a miracle, as they at least deserve some form of capital punishment for their respective performances. Just listen to the song above; I know it was never going to be musical perfection, but how can an ABBA song manage to get that much worse than it already is. Brosnan straining to find notes that aren't even technically challenging is the tip of an iceberg made from shit, and that scene featured above wouldn't have even been acceptable in the 1970's when ABBA were at their peak. Even past the terrible renditions of popular songs this film struggles with a basic romance. That romance ends up being both hideous and a jumbled mess, only highlighting why actors, who at no point in their careers would be considered musically talented, such as Brosnan should never go near a fucking musical. I wasn't aware that music could be destroyed in such an offensive way, but this is proof that humanity can plunge to new depths if it means inflicting untold misery unto millions.

You won't hear me say this often, but for once I beg of the director to just dub the songs. Not even in the dodgiest karaoke bars in the country have I heard some amateurs murdering a musical that wasn't even any good to begin with on quite this scale. If I ever witnessed a film as terrible as this in real life it would be that pile of vomit outside the karaoke club, containing the murdered and mangled lyrics that show an utter disdain for the concept of musical theater. 'Mamma Mia' couldn't even get the dancing part right either, and it appears to have been lifted from a children's cartoon. The pacing and the plot are also cataclysmically poor, but the acting is the worst; there's no charisma or charm on display. To say anything this film did was charming would be the biggest lie ever told as in reality it's about as charming as a spreading tumor on a child. Somehow this atrocity managed to be successful; and that fact alone is enough evidence that population control would be a beneficial purge on society. I honestly don't understand how people can voluntarily be put through this kind of inhumane torture. Personally I would much rather have malaria injected into eyeballs than watch a single second of this soul-crushing horror.