#10 Jupiter Ascending (3/10)
What the fuck was this? I love sci-fi films, but when one is as brainless and stupid as this then you really start to question the talent involved. Not that there was much talent in this; in fact Mila Kunis was the third choice actor to play the leading role, and that lack of faith shown is justified in every scene. It's ironic in a film about the concept of destiny that Mila Kunis, who was not destined to play the lead role, ends up fucking everything up. Kunis' character may not follow the stereotypical conventions of women in sci-fi, but I'd much rather that then watch her bland performance in this. She's a good voice actor, but she just looks lost in this one. That isn't helped by her being supported by the constantly useless Channing Tatum, who not surprisingly can only manage a sub-standard performance himself.
Once you look past the lack of talent involved you arrive at a stupid narrative that doesn't make any sense. The plot points that sometimes arise are so idiotic that you wonder why all the effort was made when the concept was so flawed. Surely there must be some quality control when creating films, so why didn't anyone tell the creative team behind this one to stop fucking around with contrived nonsense and actually make a film that's at least vaguely coherent? At least the film looked nice, so fair play to the visual team, but I bet they're pissed that so much bullshit has to distract the viewer from their stellar effort. I genuinely think this film could have worked with more attention to detail, but instead the director had to go down the path of making this a generic blockbuster and ruining it. At times this film was so shallow that I could have sworn I was watching an episode of 'Twilight'. The whole film wasn't 'Twilight' bad, but there wasn't any substance or foundations to make a great film, that no matter how much was spent on it was always destined to be a turd.
#9 Minions (2/10)
Okay Minions, I liked you in 'Despicable Me', and I put up with you in the sequel, but now you've just overstayed your welcome with a standalone film. You don't help yourselves by popping up everywhere like the commercial whores you are, but why did you feel the need to appear in this unsophisticated mess. If you like a film with any notable characters and a narrative that you can actually follow then 'Minions' is not the film for you. Yes I know it's aimed at children, but that doesn't excuse the shoddy quality on every creative level. These stupid yellow turds may have been good once as minor characters, but they haven't got a hope in hell of carrying a film like this. You could have helped them by including some decent characters and an interesting storyline, but instead the result is something only people with a mental age measured with a decimal points could enjoy. There's only enough raw content in this one to satisfy a quick 'Youtube' video, and certainly not a feature length production.
Not surprisingly I got tired of these yellow things pretty quickly; and I think that has something to do with how a whole film was centred on things that can't speak English. Surely that's like casting a cat for one of the biggest roles of all time; it just doesn't work. I actually feel sorry for the man that had to write the script. That poor sod must have reached the lowest point in his life after penning the 15,000th line of pure crap that isn't even conceivable to humans. 'Minions' is a film that has a few laughs in places, but contains nothing original and nothing worth spending time at the cinema for. The biggest atrocity though is that this is the ELEVENTH highest grossing film of all time. All this film is is some little yellow shits fucking around, yet somehow it grossed over a billion. What the fuck is wrong with people? Every time you pay money to see this crap some corporate executives in an office celebrate next to their flip charts because they've realised how moronic humans can be in their spare time. This is a pointless, pointless film that only served as a cash grab operation, and you idiots just bought it. These Minions can just fuck off now.
#8 Entourage (2/10)
What a charmless piece of feces this was. I actually felt I needed a shower after watching such vile characters ruin this film with their disgusting personalities. There wasn't much of a film to ruin, but these twats managed it with ease. The whole plot was based around absolutely nothing, and I don't recall every seeing anything resembling a storyline throughout the entire duration. All this film consisted of was some irritating Prima Donnas creating a vanity project to fuel their own pathetic and self centred egos. I suppose if you like watching rich assholes argue over pointless dilemmas then you'll love this scenario, but for someone who values the stories told in films this was a crime against art. The only real fun you can have is playing your own 'spot the cunt' mini game, which is actually really easy considering they're everywhere. At times it was a bit like playing 'Where's Wally?', only Wally is now a decent person surrounded by impostors moonlighting as absolute cunts.
I get that people who go to the gym and date rape would like these films that idealise the world of the alpha male, but this 'lads on tour' film reminded me more of a pile of vomit outside a kebab shop than a lavish and stylish lifestyle. Only in this mundane an hellish world would you find such two dimensional cretins becoming these idiotic characters. I'm sure this is all swell for the fans of the original TV show, but if this is any indication then I'm glad this is a TV series I have never gone anywhere near. The jokes here aren't funny, just forced and feel stupid at every opportunity. As are the endless celebrity cameos that I just don't understand. Most of the 'celebrities' I couldn't give a flying fuck about, and I guess the same could be said for the stupid characters in this, as they all play the same laddish asshole that you just want to hate. If you haven't hit maturity yet then this might be the best film you'll ever see, but for those in the civilised world this is just irritating nonsense.
#7 Pan (2/10)
Oh no, what the fuck happened to Peter Pan? The legendary original was lovingly put together by a passionate team from Disney, but this smears shit all over that original concept with a heap of commercial and stupid excrement that the franchise never deserved. There's none of that Disney magic that made the old film great, and instead that's replaced with endless CGI that doesn't actually look that nice, and a lack of quality cinematography. I wasn't aware you could screw up such a magical universe this badly, but that's before I happen to glance at these charmless characters who never once felt like they belonged in such a beloved franchise. And as for the narrative; well not surprisingly that was terrible as well. The climax for example is just a huge fuck up. I can put the lack of character development and terrible pacing to the side for one moment because the ending to this was just so weird that the whole film fell flat as a result. That's the same for the whole film really; everything is so fucking bizarre that you just wonder who thought this was a good idea. I mean who the hell thought Nirvana and The Ramones, two of the hardest rocking bands of all time, would be a good inclusion to Peter Pan? A clinical moron that's who.
Once you've got the horrifying sight of Captain Hook singing Nirvana out of your head then the rest is a bland mixture of the absurd and stupid. Just elementary mistakes being made that leave a shabby film that doesn't work at any level. The cast was another area in particular that suffered due to strange castings of Amanda Seyfreid and Rooney Mara who have no place in a film like this. I can't blame them for looking like two wooden planks when they were so hopelessly miscast, but they certainly contribute to the forgettable nature of the whole film. This isn't the spirit of 'Peter Pan', and it's certainly not why people still love the franchise after all this time. Hugh Jackman is alright as Blackbeard, and at least this film offered something original, but this isn't how you go about making an epic fantasy quest. I'm so pleased this bombed at the box office, which I never thought I would say about Peter Pan, but when your film only makes back 127 out of the 150 million needed to break even then you know something has gone wrong. I loved the originals for bringing such a vivid world to life; but with this new film you end up wishing the original had never even bothered.
#6 Taken 3 (2/10)
I actually quite enjoy watching films that are so bad they're actually funny, but I resent the idea of watching a film that's so bad that it's lacking any real quality. 'Taken 3' is one of those pointless entities that has no appeal whatsoever. As a dull waste of time this was one of the more painful experiences I've ever had, but I still can't remember why; that's how forgettable this pointless crap was. The tag line was 'It ends here', but I wasn't aware that was a reference to my sanity. 'Taken 2' was a bad, bad film, but this; this is a whole new league of bad for such respectable names as Liam Neeson. I just hate how 'Taken 3' decides to take the standard action film formula and make it so much worse. Pointless and dull action sequences are in abundance, there's a dreadful plot that takes a backseat to the terrible action sequences, and the direction and cinematography are some of the worst I've seen all year. Even the script was bad enough to start making me contemplate the meaning of my existence, and that's one of the best parts about the whole film.
I have no patience for a film that makes such fundamental mistakes on a regular basis. The production was sub standard, and I don't get why the director felt the need to constantly move the camera in heated action sequences like he had Parkinson's or something. Either that or he's trying to cover up the fact he's a bit shit, which I'm fully willing to believe considering how he manages to ruin whole action sequences. The pacing of the film didn't make any sense either. All that happens is a few action sequences being separated by tedious filler, and all that does is irritate the viewer by presenting a totally nonsensical plot that has nothing to do with an abduction like the title would suggest. Even the premise of the film makes no sense; it's about a man clearing his name for murder by murdering people. The fucking thing's flawed to being with. I honestly never thought I would say this, but Liam Neeson and this series can just fuck off now.
#5 Hot Pursuit (2/10)
'Hot Pursuit' successfully took the words 'hot' and 'pursuit' out of the common phrase 'Hot Pursuit'. In all seriousness this film is about as hot as one of those low rent pornos that make you laugh your face off with how awful it all is, and the pursuits weren't any better; they're more a meaningless set of occurrences. This film reminded me a lot of 'Entourage' in that they were both plain awful, and how they were also full of irritating people. Just like in 'Entourage' there is no chemistry between the leading roles, giving the viewer precisely zero reasons to care about their two dimensional personas. Their standard of humour isn't much better either, and although they've been praised by some critics, I personally feel this odd couple felt like a mismatch that didn't compliment each other or the film at all. In all honesty the perfect couple for a film that shows such atrocities as this would be Fred and Rose West. To be fair to Fred and Rose West they could probably act better than the two leads; and one of them is dead.
This is another example of a film that liked to settle for second best; which is something I absolutely hate. This film doesn't even try to hide the fact that it's completely brainless and devoid of quality, and never even gives the viewer an opportunity to enjoy the film on multiple, or in fact any, levels. I wouldn't complain as much if what was presented to me was interesting or exciting, but this just isn't. Essentially the film has the complexity of just some moving pictures, and you get the sense that nobody involved wanted it to become anything more. This was a lazy attempt at a comedy flick, and the second rate results are sometimes painful to sit through. I know I'm not the target audience for this, but even fans of the genre would struggle to enjoy this one. All this film did was further the stereotype that female comedians aren't funny.
#4 Fifty Shades of Grey (1/10)
Well this was never going to be brilliant was it? However I at least expected something more from the film based on a fatuous novel, as I felt that this didn't even try to become better than the garbage it's based on. The original adult novel was never going to translate into a credible film, as it never even translated into a credible novel, so why degrade the artistry in the business by making something that's so obviously going to be horseshit. 570 million was earned by this abomination at the box office. 570 million. What the fuck is wrong with people? Maybe I would understand the appeal if this was the dirty and mature film it promised to be, but whose sexual fantasies is this going to excite? This was about as romantic and sexual as 'Schindler's List', and actually gave me a similar sense of horror and disgust as well. Fuck, I'm sure 'Schindler's List' had steamier sex scenes as well, and it didn't even have any. To even make that comparison about the selling point of 'Fifty Shades' is just a hint at how bad this film turned out to be. To even call it a film would be degrading, considering most short videos on the Internet have better romantic plots, and for the first time in my life I actually felt sorry for the cast involved in such degrading rubbish, and I'm astonished that the actors involved could even show their faces in public again after appearing in whatever the hell this is.
In terms of quality this film didn't even qualify to be included on the scale of quality. The two leads were both equally awful, and every scene they're both involved in is just cringeworthy to say the least. I don't know how this relationship was meant to emulate sexual fantasies, as all you can do is laugh at the dialogue lifted out of a low budget porn film, and vomit at how fucked up the whole atmosphere is. This isn't fucking romantic. This is tailored for that mid afternoon slot on television when nothing credible is ever on. This superficial and lacklustre relationship produced more beatings on me than were actually included in the film; but I sure as hell didn't fucking enjoy that beating. But the people I feel most sorry for are the good people of Vietnam who payed to see a film with the sex scenes cut out. Admittedly that does shield them from terrible scenes, but also removes the whole point of the film. All they had to watch was the most sexually empty relationship possible that makes you wonder why anyone even bothered.
#3 Fantastic Four (1/10)
How the hell was this worse than the original 'Fantastic Four'? I wasn't sure that was possible, but at least the original had some ridiculous scenes that made it almost watchable, whereas this new film is just many different sorts of plain. This film has everything I hate about superhero films included. There isn't any thrills to be had, the plot is incoherent and contains a load on contrived rubbish, and the characters are just generic idiots that are never given a chance to develop. When all that crap comes together it become apparent that this lot are not 'Fantastic' at all, and actually more diabolical. The cast have no chemistry together, and never at any stage try and get the viewer to engage or empathise with the characters, instead giving lacklustre performances that lacked any creativity. Nobody looked liked they truly cared about this film, and you never got the impression that any of the cast were on the same wavelength as the director; which isn't great in a film centred around the concept of teamwork.
The characters and cast aren't all to blame though, as the plot and script were both dreadful. There simply wasn't a climax at any point in the film, and so the whole story essentially builds up the narrative for absolutely nothing. The plot never generated much momentum, but I at least expected some sort of pacing that concluded with at least something satisfying, but like the rest of the film there seemed to be that lack of a creative spark driving the film forward. Dare I say it, this was a boring production that never once felt as exciting as a superhero film should be. To top it all off the film doesn't even look any good, and never bothers showing off any special effects like the original at least tried to. Again, nobody bothered. And that's not the right attitude to be taking when trying to reboot a whole franchise. Allegedly the director was unhappy with the final cut, and you can see why. This film often feels like it was left on the cutting room floor, and I actually feel quite sorry for the director who obviously had a vision with this franchise, but was forced to bin that in favour of corporate restrictions.
#2 Mortdecai (0/10)
If anyone ever tries to tell me again that Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors of all time then I'll unwillingly show them this. Just what the fuck was Johnny Depp doing in this? I get that the role is an eccentric man that you would have thought Depp would have revelled in, because that's the only character he ever fucking plays, but this time it was just a plain and bizarre role that became a bit creepy at times. Admittedly the boring story didn't do him any favours, but I at least expected the viewer to be able to invest in his role, but the reality couldn't be further from that scenario. Depp and the storyline combine with some of the worst humour this century to produce an experience that instantly turns me off. It's a production so low rent that you just have to cringe your way to the conclusion. The script is woeful, and whoever wrote the damn thing deserves a huge bollocking, but not as bigger bollocking as the person who included some of the worst timed jokes I've ever heard. Stupid jokes that get in the way of the plot were just the tip of an iceberg full of shit with this one, and I'm glad it bombed badly at the box office. The only person whose credibility was left intact was Johnny Depp, but even then only just.
#1 The Human Centipede 3 (-10/10)
Contrary to the opinions of many I didn't actually mind the original 'Human Centipede'. Yes it was gross and simplistically executed, but for a horror film it had the qualities to become a success and even had the knowledge to not be overly gross for no reason at all. Cut to the third film in the franchise and all of that seems to have flown out the window. I never actually saw the second film, but what the fuck happened with this one? This 'Human Centipede' was no longer intelligent with how it used the disturbing scenes and instead just became a fucked up spectacle with no credible narrative. Now the viewer has to sit through a collection of weakly linked disturbing scenes that are so stupid that they must solely exist to be overly offensive, as they certainly have fuck all in relation to the actual narrative. In total I counted one scene that was genuinely horrifying, and even then you had to ignore the script so bad it can't be described with human language. This wasn't a horror film; it was something to make you sick as you're forced to suffer through anticlimax after anticlimax. The actual centipede itself is so ridiculous that the whole concept loses all credibility, which is something that the original never managed to do thanks to its simplistic horror that this third entity just ignores. I love a sadistic film, and I love black comedies even more, so to me this film was an abomination that chucked around such strong themes with next to no care at all. To me that's arguably the most vile thing this film does, and certainly far more horrifying than any of the shit included in this disaster.
But the worst and most heinous thing in this film is the acting. The cast in this are so awful that it's a miracle they're even referred to as actors in the credits. Dieter Laser in particular puts in a performance so bad that I feel embarrassed for the pioneers of cinema who put in all that effort for something as offensive to watch as this. The fact that I had to endure Laser's antics for a feature length amount of time was enough to make me contemplate suicide, and in all honesty I would rather be at the very back of one of these centipedes than actually have to go through the horror of watching such a worthless production. I get that it's supposed to be over the top, but I have never witnessed such a cheap excuse for satire that is solely designed to make the viewer grimace with just how tasteless this is for a piece of art. I have never seen a rape scene that was so vilely used in order to solely solicit a reaction with no regard for the characters, and unfortunately many of the other grim scenes follow that example. There are various meaningless scene that reflects the absence of quality from anything this film does. 'Human Centipede 3' even feels satisfied in knowing that everything is done to a sub standard level, and as a man who values artistic merit I find this strategy deplorable. As a piece of art this is a vile atrocity that's far worse than any of the acts performed in the film.
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