Blender's 50 Worst Songs of All Time: Part 1 (50-41)

Blender is a now defunct 'music' magazine that prided itself on being "the ultimate guide to music and more" so of course we should expect their list of the 50 worst songs of all time to be pretty accurate and the reasons for each nominee should be fully explained with valid reasoning. This list was compiled in 2008, and I only stumbled across it recently when making my own list of worst songs, and so it might be a bit out of date. So let's take a look at how they did, without further ado  let's countdown from 50-41:

#50 Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On (1998)

"Lop off all but the first 20 seconds of this monster ballad, and it still merits a slot on this list for the unconscionable crime of adding pan-flute solos to the pop lexicon. But it doesn’t stop there: With a voice full of ornamental quivers and trembles, Canadian dynamo Céline Dion pushes arena-size schmaltz into the red, first cutting her syllables preciously short, then strangling each one out. Never has a song about all-consuming love sounded so trivial and been so inescapable — it powered the Titanic soundtrack to a year-topping 10 million copies sold, and made millions more pray that an iceberg would somehow hit Dion."

Well this is definitely a good start, undeniably a terrible song from a terrible film, this song is just cheesy and disgusting bullshit from one of Canada's many terrible exports. I would actually have to disagree with their bizarre reasoning though, I actually think the pan flute sounds quite nice, it adds a nice atmosphere to the song, something that the vocals definitely don't live up to. They are quite correct about the singing though, wailing and annoying sounds can't save this icebreaker (ha). So all in all a good start for Blender.

#49 Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy (1992)

"Right Said Fred were horrible, bald novelty Brits whose one claim to fame was a song that announced that they were “too sexy” for most things, from “New York” to “my cat.” Alas, singer Richard Fairbrass resembled Midnight Oil’s Peter Garrett, and was therefore “too sexy” for precisely nothing. The song spawned a welter of grating catchphrases starting with “I’m too sexy” repeated endlessly by annoying people: “I’m too sexy for my tractor,” etc. Disturbingly, the Freds, as nobody calls them, are still going."

I'm going to have to disagree with this one, I think the whole fun of this song was that it was not to be taken seriously. It never tries to be the best song in the world and for that I don't think it can be punished, it's just a harmless bit of fun. I also don't quite understand how being bald is a novelty, there a quite a few men who don't have hair, and so if anything it's an iconic image that will accompany the band. However the best thing about that quote is complaining that Right Said Fred are still going strong, oh the irony.

#48 The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (1968)

"The Beatles proved conclusively that there were two things they could not do: play reggae and feign enjoyment. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” was a ska track recorded at a point during the White Album sessions when the Beatles would happily have beaten one another to death if only they had had some clubs on hand. As a result, this sounds less like reggae than the desperately chirpy songs Cockneys used to sing to keep their spirits up while the Luftwaffe rained death on them during the Blitz."

This definitely wasn't The Beatles finest hour, the song is terrible there's no doubt about that, but I personally think that's what makes it so good. I definitely don't think this should be included on this list as to me it's just a bit of upbeat fun, no harm in that. Excellent bit of geography as well from Blender, cockneys of course famous for coming from Liverpool, and a nice, tasteless portrayal of Britain there, I'm sure you American's could of helped us out a bit, if your heads weren't shoved so far up your own arses.

#47 Bryan Adams - The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You (1996)

"When Adams chose to do sexy after 15 years of chaste, aw-shucks rockin’, even his fans were stunned — as if they’d just seen a stag film starring Richie Cunningham. “I don’t look good in no Armani suits,” he leered in the song’s only believable moment, before suggesting he’d rather “wear” the song’s female protagonist over a blues riff like someone explaining ZZ Top to an accountant. This wasn’t the creepiest track off his album 18 Til I Die; that accolade goes to a song called “(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear.”"


Yea okay this is terrible, you can have this one. That is also a ridiculously long title.


#46 New Kids on The Block - Hangin' Tough (1989)

"It sucked the Swing out of New Jack, bleached the Blues out of Rhythm &, and featured white boys calling themselves “funky” despite some very unfunky denim vests. This Boston quintet triggered a hormonal rush among 13-year-old girls and intense confusion among their boyfriends, and paved the way for megaselling boy bands who ran low on talent and high on dumb hats. This 1988 hit was all crossed arms and scowls, but the tuff-guy routine didn’t gel: These nancy boys make the Sharks and Jets look like G-Unit."

They are right, this is another terrible song, it's just fake hardcore gangster bullshit crossed with the usual boyband rubbish. Although I don't think they ever explained why this song is on the list, just why they hate the band.

#45 Ja Rule - Mesmerize (2002)

"Many rappers sing poorly, but none as irritatingly as Jeffrey Atkins. In 2001, he went from a raise-da-roof club grunter who treated women like car doors to a tone-deaf warbler who swore he worshiped them — and cried in his videos to prove it. On this 2002 duet with the reliably transparent Ashanti, he can’t contain his horny side, repeating a cracked-voiced mantra about “Your lips/Your smile/Your hips/Those thighs” and admitting his “fetish for $#%ing you with your skirt on.” Gains points for honesty; loses many more for coming off like an ogling doofus."

While this definitely isn't the worst thing to come out of hip hop, it is certainly terrible. He doesn't exactly help himself by pairing up with a very good singer, and then having a go himself. The result is well, laughable. I'm not sure it's 'irritating', but for the attempt I don't think he deserves to be on this list, remember the voice isn't the whole song, just a component.

#44 Meat Loaf - I'd Do Anything For Love (1993)

"Forget that this song comes from Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell and that pop albums can’t really have sequels. Forget that it’s 12 minutes — and crammed with pianos, choirs and every over-the-top adornment that producer Jim Steinman could get his hands on, it feels twice that length. No, this epic chunk of histrionics’ worst offense is that it doesn’t make any sense. You wouldn’t do what, exactly? It’s OK for rock songs to be dumb. But not stupid."

It's the king of the unnecessarily long song, Meat Loaf, who repeatedly tries to look rock and roll but ends up looking like a sausage roll that's come alive. However the quality of his music is sometimes surprisingly good, including this ballad. I do think the lyrics are strange, and the whole premise behind the song is contradictory, but overall it doesn't sound too sad, it just drags a bit in the middle. Anybody else notice the irony of them complaining about a song being dumb, especially with the pathetic reasons they've just given.

#43 Uncle Kracker - Follow Me (2000)

"Breaking out on his own, the leading light of Kid Rock’s “Detroit playas” reneges on his boss’s promise to “cause chaos” and “rock like Amadeus.” He does, however, cause nausea and rock like Muzak with his nobody-saw-it-coming lite-FM stylings, hummin’, strummin’ and practically promisin’ to tuck you in at night. The unexpected bonus? It gives hope to everyone awaiting the Terminator X collection of Air Supply covers."


Can't say I'm too familiar with this one. Upon listening to it I will agree that it's bad, but it does have a certain charm about it. It doesn't try and do anything clever, it doesn't try and overcomplicate things, it just relies on it's basic qualities and earthly charms to get by, and I think it does this very well. Again the magazine focuses on why they don't like him rather than the actual song in a sort of pathetic whimsical tone that makes me physically sick just reading it.


#42 Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence (1965)

"From the terrible opening line, in which darkness is addressed as “my old friend,” the lyrics of “The Sounds of Silence” sound like a vicious parody of a pompous and pretentious mid-’60s folk singer. But it’s no joke: While a rock band twangs aimlessly in the middle distance, Simon & Garfunkel thunder away in voices that suggest they’re scowling and wagging their fingers as they sing. The overall experience is like being lectured on the meaning of life by a jumped-up freshman."

Right here we go, the first example of them being fucking morons, why the hell is this anywhere near the worst song list, it's a very good song. The opening line isn't terrible, it's fantastic, it perfectly sets the tone for the whole song. Referring to darkness as 'my old friend' is an example of personification, a powerful literary device when used effectively, like in this song, and so I'm amazed they can criticize a song for having meaning and significance. I don't know how they claim this sounds like a parody, I don't know when a harrowing tale of darkness is considered amusing, especially when Simon & Garfunkel are folk singers who reached their height of fame in, yep you guessed it, the mid 1960's. With a reason like that you can't help but laugh at the lack of intelligence and research that was undertaken to produce this bullshit list. They even said it themselves, a rock band twangs 'aimlessly'. Funny, I don't know why it would be aimless, it's not like the narrator of the song has lost all purpose and sense of direction, it's not like the 'middle distance' represents the narrator's loneliness and emptiness. Christ, even a fucking child could of worked that one out. There is no place for this on any worst song lists, for me it definitely sits around an 8/10.

#41 Billy Joel - We Didn't Start The Fire (1989) 

"Despite its bombastic production, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” resembles a term paper scribbled the night before it’s due. As the song progresses, Joel audibly realizes he can’t cram it all in: The ’70s get four bellowed words amid the widdly-woo guitars and meet-thy-maker drums. The chorus denies responsibility for any events mentioned, clearing up the common misconception that Billy Joel developed the H-bomb."

Definitely not the finest moment of the legendary career of Billy Joel. For once I do actually agree with Blender and admit that the subject of the song is too complex to fit into 4 minutes, he gives it a good try, but in the end all we get is a jumbled and weak message that definitely doesn't reflect the important matter this song tries to address.