Morons of The Internet: Jessica Valenti (26/09/14)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

This time we have columnist from 'The Guardian' Jessica Valenti, who rambles on about how every single man commits every single crime on every single women at exactly the same time. In fact reading it is both shocking and hilarious. Remember, she gets paid to do this, and it's simply unbelievable.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/19/men-women-rape-prevention-its-on-us

Good men don't let women get raped. So why aren't you guys doing enough?

First off let's have a look at that intro. This person is paid to be a journalist, and yet we instantly start with this biased misconception of male stereotypes. The opening makes it clear to me that this article won't be a debate, and it sure as hell isn't going to be a balanced argument. Every story has two sides to it, but Mrs Valenti makes it very clear here that this will just end up being a smear campaign at the expense of the male demographic. We start with this bullshit about how all women are harmless, and they will instantly be led astray by these drink driving murderers that also happen to be all men. She then goes onto say that she hears women being called "sluts", and I hear that a lot as well, but it's only when they deserve it, and to be fair it doesn't come as a surprise to me that Mrs. Valenti constantly hears the word 'slut', because it's probably aimed at this moronic bitch.

She then goes onto ruin comedy, dictating what jokes can be made when and where. This might be a bit of an overreaction, after all it is just a fucking joke. If you make a rape joke that doesn't instantly make you a rapist, just like my 9/11 jokes don't make me a terrorist. They may be a tad harsh, but that's all comedy is, creating fictional humorous situations at the expense of somebody else. The point of comedy is that it gives the listener an isolated world where they can laugh at the expense of the human condition, of course this world hasn't quite got to Mrs. Valenti yet, as well as a lot of other things. Comedy should always be a freedom of expression, and although it is a male dominated world, I have seen my fair share of women also making harsh jokes at the expense of other people. But oh no, according to Mrs. Valenti it's just a male thing, which is sexist within itself.

My next problem is the sources she uses to back her claims up with. In the first half of this article she makes two sweeping claims, that she of course backs up with evidence, only it's completely irrelevant. First she makes the claim that a rape joke makes the rapist feel that what he does this, it is perfectly normal. Her source for this, a forum, with the reliable source being a guest blogger, who provides zero evidence to her own sweeping statements. She to is just spouting her opinion and so cannot be considered a reliable source in the slightest. The second is when she claims "we are woefully uniformed about sexual assault", in which she kindly sources that statement to herself. An opinionated blogger isn't even a source at all. I don't source myself when I make these articles because I know that an opinion is not a valid or reliable source of information. Two massive points that this article hinges on are complete made up bullshit, which makes her opinion as valid as the theory of Scientology. 

The fact that she can't source any information correctly is just the tip of the iceberg, the underlying problem is how horribly generalized this whole article is. You can't seriously make a valid opinion when you constantly draw these sweeping statements from stereotypes and assumptions. "I know that you are constantly told you need to be tough." Except you don't know, because you're not a man. But maybe because I am one I can reliably inform her that that isn't the case, and not once have I ever been told I need to be tougher. Maybe that would be the case in the middle ages, but I would like to think humanity has moved on since then. It's actually quite offensive how she portrays men, she just assumes we all want to be the same person, when in reality we want people like her to just shut up and stop judging us, and not have her ironic arguments shoved down our throats. Despite her opinion I can confirm that not all men are rapists, and not all women are damsels in distress. People do vary, although maybe they wouldn't in Mrs. Valenti's fascist state.

I just hate this obsession with women being the victim here, sexual assault is a serious incident, and thankfully major cases are rare, and so it annoys me that Valenti is abusing the suffering of millions by using their traumatizing experiences as fodder for her pathetic arguments. This constant attitude of "women need all the help we can get" really pisses me off. What they need protecting from is another matter, most likely the excessive price of fish in Sainsbury's. In a western world country this theory is simply obsolete. Whether she likes it or not, women are treated as equal citizens and share exactly the same rights as men, even if sometimes they don't get any respect, which is something that is earned. Any serious incident that does occur should be treated as an individual case and not just lumped onto a single group of people, and there is simply no logic in blaming the patriarchy for rape, the two things are completely separate. In actual fact I could turn this argument on its head. You see the rate of domestic violence has decreased in the UK by 50% since the tyrannical reign of Margaret Thatcher. But as a normal human being I know she is in no way responsible for that high figure. So why is the patriarchy being blamed here by Valenti? 

I'm not sure what world Valenti would be happy with, probably some dystopian future where all jokes are censored by her, and any bordering on rapey would be extradited by the thought police. She seems to think that rape is an important part of male culture, and that in some way it forms their identity. I'm really hoping that normal people realise that this isn't the case, and I just implore people to stop winging about things and actually do something about it. The immortal words of JFK are needed for this one, "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." In other words, just fucking get on and do something about it, not spray shit about it all over the internet. I don't know why Mrs. Valenti can't help, but then I suppose she couldn't blame the big boys like some pathetic schoolgirl.

Destiny Review

'Destiny' is the latest venture into the video game industry from 'Halo' makers Bungie, who have now decided to team with Activision for a shit load of cash. This is the first big project for the new couple, and although it does look very Halo-esque, it also looks pretty damn good if the trailers are to be belived. The basic idea is that this is a FPS shooter with built in MMO features that constantly matches players on various different planets. So in theory, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the game, in fact it's a revolutionary and forward thinking idea. The premise is also promising, the game is set in a post apocalyptic universe where humanities so called 'Golden Age' has just ended at the hands of many mysterious mobs known as 'The Darkness'. Humanity only has one city left, and that is where your quest begins as a 'guardian', a surviving human who must defeat the evil hordes. So as you can see not a bad idea, with some good storytelling it could become an excellent game.

But unfortunately the storytelling is pathetic. Somehow 'Bungie' managed to throw away that good idea by making a very dull and disappointing campaign. It seems to rely on this 'tell your own story' attitude, which might have worked if it wasn't for the game not explaining a damn thing to you. Even one of the main characters, known only as 'The Speaker', tells you he could explain things to you, but he's not going to. What's the point in that? A great chance to engage with the player, and yet they just throw it away. I ended getting more out of the intro than the actual story, which might signal to the developers that something is fundamentally wrong with plot. There just simply isn't any context. I never once got the sense that I had any purpose, I just felt like I was doing things because the game told me to, and fuck any decisions to make, this campaign is as linear as they come. Whilst playing the game I realized that maybe the campaign was actually a hindrance, there wasn't any good storytelling, and there sure as hell wasn't anything memorable, so what was the point?

I could tell you something that would make you care, but fuck it, you've already given me that 40 quid.

I do, however, have to praise the enemies the player is faced with. They are on the most part very interesting, and the wide variety means that each engagement requires the player to use a slightly different strategy. There are 4 different types in total. There's 'The Fallen', who are just giant angry insects that can be picked off with ease. Then there's 'The Hive', who sound like a shitty backstreet nightclub, but are actual just some noisy zombies. Thirdly there's 'The Vex', robots that just teleport a lot, and I mean a lot. And finally 'The Cabal', who unfortunately are not from Mortal Kombat, and instead resemble jumping teddybears, how menacing is that? But that list does provide a nice little variety to make even the most boring missions a little bearable. You are also accompanied as a player by 'Ghost', a helpful little robot that just sort of does everything for you. He's voiced by the amazing Peter Dinklage, who when he's not killing his own father is a very fine actor. I really liked his performance, I thought he fitted that helpful AI role very well, and so it pains me to see him be criticized all over the internet for what is apparently a 'monotone' performance. I don't know what they were expecting, after all he is a fucking robot. I wasn't expecting an Oscar winning Shakespearean epic from him, because at the end of the day he's playing something that isn't living. But then you never can please some people.

 It's quite hard to care about mobs that the game doesn't even bother telling you about. What distinguishes this from another?

My favorite part of the game though is the combat system, it really is in a class of its own when you compare it to other MMOs. There is a wide choice of weaponry from various different categories, and they also have basic customization, although not as much as I would like. The various missions are well designed and allow the player to use the various combat mechanics to their advantage. I really would like to congratulate Bungie on an excellent melee and jumping system, which really come together nicely in what are two very polished mechanics. Multiplayer is also good, it isn't anything new or revolutionary, but it is a solid mode that performs its function to good effect. Its only flaw seems to be the reward system. You see you sometimes get rewarded with loot at the end of each game, however what determines who gets this loot is completely random, and so the player with the worst score could end up getting the best reward. And to be honest it's a fucking joke, I want to find the person that thought that was a good idea, as he must be one of the stupidest people alive.

An example of that random loot drop. The purple reward denotes a 'legendary' item, the blue is only a 'rare'.

The next problem comes from the game world, a world that Bungie said would be "alive", which turns out to be a massive lie. To my surprise the quite small world was full of the same things over and over again. I also felt the world wasn't alive, and actually quite bland, and player sightings are so few and far between that any social aspect of the game were rendered pointless, even on a map as small as this one. You always got the sense that nothing was different, there were some nice looking features, but it all looked the same. It wasn't a living world like you would find in a title such as 'Skyrim', instead it was as dead as the North Korean economy. There is some functionality as an MMO, you can start 'fireteams' with fellow players to roam the maps, and that works well. But for the RPG part it's just a total failure. It may be a very polished game, but behind the nice visuals it's a game with no soul or backbone, which is not what I paid 50 quid for.

 This looks very nice, but haven't I just been here?

Overall 'Destiny' is quite a lackluster game, my original positive impressions have been overshadowed by these unfortunate glaring flaws. The repetitive missions and boring storyline emphasizes this, and the game can't escape from feeling like a massive grind. It just doesn't feel like a game that costs 500 million dollars to make, that budget must have been wasted on superficial things like combat and graphics, which are very nice, but where are those other core elements that make a great game? There is potential, it does come with a 10 year lifespan, and I really do hope it's much more of a game then. But for now it just feels like a game made by amateurs. Yours sincerely, a bitterly disappointed gamer.

Final Score: 61/100   ***

Top 10 Video Game Bosses

The boss battle has almost become a staple of video games. They come in a wide variety of different forms, but all sharing one thing in common. They're fucking hard to beat. Here is a countdown of my 10 favorites of all time.

Warning: there may be some spoilers in some of the video links. Don't say you weren't warned.

I also must mention 'The Great Mighty Poo' that just missed out on this list. It's hilarious and great fun, but unfortunately isn't as epic as the entrants on this list. make sure to watch the video though, not many bosses have hilarious songs to taunt you with.

#10 Pokemon Rival (Pokemon Red/Blue)

We begin with something a little different, this isn't your typical boss, in fact you even get to name this one. For me this battle will always have a special place, and you don't just get to beat him once, you can do it again and again in the course of one game. This feature has appeared in every single Pokemon entry, but Red/Blue is my pick for the best It was just such a good idea, and I just like the idea of my best friend becoming my arch rival. It was more than just an achievement, it was a personal victory.

This guy was also a little shit. He never understood that you were just better than him, even ten battles later and he was still claiming to be the better player. It wasn't as if he was difficult to beat, he had a similar set of Pokemon, which would at least make the battle interesting, but he really wasn't that difficult to defeat. But having said that, this annoying bastard became a recurring feature of the series, and I will admit that the idea is both exciting and original. So there you go, just a good idea can sometimes be enough to make an awesome boss.

#9 Dr Wily (Megaman 9)

Seriously, how many times have these two faced off. It was a difficult decision picking the best, but for me the ninth installment will always be my favorite. After eight difficult battles you finally came across Wily, for about the 500th time in that game, and it seemed a relatively easy battle, until he got out his humongous robot tank thing. That machine will absolutely slaughter you. It was challenging, but never frustrating, which is why I rate this battle so highly. But come on, Wily versus Megaman, what can possibly go wrong.

#8 Saren Arterius (Mass Effect)

This one doesn't appear on many lists, which is a shame as I do think it's a great example of a modern boss battle, or maybe that's just my massive crush on Mass Effect. Saren is a Turian Spectre, which basically means he's an elite soldier that can operate outside the law. As expected this guy is built like a tank, and so it doesn't help when he joins forces with a Reaper known as 'Sovereign'. To cut a long story short 'Sovereign' cybernetically enhances him to make some fucking awesome robot that will screw you up in an instant with its lasers and annoying teleporting.

I don't know what I like about this more, either that it follows one of the greatest endings to any video game ever, or that it never gets the credit it deserves. I guess you could say its placement on this list is a protest vote. After all he does appear on what is the greatest designed level of all time, a fact that everyone seems to ignore, I'll even challenge you to find a better one. And all this is accompanied by that amazing Mass Effect soundtrack. To me it really is one of the all time greats.

#7 Mother Brain (Super Metroid)

Probably the most menacing and brutal boss on this list, and that's because it's a woman. I put it to you this way, nothing is more frightening than a bipedal lady without a skull. You can forget about the missiles and the lasers, when this thing looks as scary as this you know it's going to be an excellent boss fight. To me this battle concluded what was a stellar game, this was the icing on the cake, and it felt like such an achievement when you finally defeat her after hours of toiling away. It's amazing that such a simple idea will go down as one of the all time greats, and shows that good storytelling and excellent level design really do make the boss battle. That feeling of nostalgia has already hit me. 

#6 Mike Tyson (Mike Tyson's Punchout)

This is the most difficult on this list, no doubt about that, it's pretty much impossible.Yes, lock away your daughters, for their own safety, it's Mike fucking Tyson. This maniac would just annihilate your puny little fighter with incredible ease. His unforgiving style has made him a cult legend over the years, with tales of many gamers losing the will to live over the difficulty of this challenge. But fear not, if you lose to him you can just start the game all over again, because he wasn't frustrating enough already.

I can't say I was really surprised, he was the heavyweight champion of the world at the time, but even that doesn't justify how difficult the fight really is. If you want any chance of getting through the first round then you will have to recall all of your gaming skills and tricks to at least survive. Tyson is the only boss in this list that's based off of a real person, just a shame it had to be Mike Tyson, otherwise it may have been possible. A classic memory for an absolute classic of a game.

#5 Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

From what is widely considered the greatest game of all time comes this brilliant boss battle. Ganondorf is just simply awesome, he looks and feels so epic, and provides a brilliant antagonistic role to a stunner of a campaign. There are very few people who can claim to have anywhere near the presence of this man, and so when you see him and that scintillating music starts you know it's going to be one epic battle. There is truly only one king of evil, one that can make an otherwise mundane boss battle feel that much more special.

The impact of this battle is mainly caused by a plot trick that you rarely see in video games these days, and that's seeing very little of the villain until the climax. The final battle in this game came after only hearing about Ganondorf, and so when you finally saw him, the effect was momentous to say the least. The actual battle requires a lot of skill, the player will need to use the whole expertly crafted map and acquired abilities to their advantage if there is any chance of success. The ending is, well it's a fucking cheap shot, but who really cares when you have a villain and music as epic as this. Best game of all time? Not in my opinion, but a great boss battle anyway.

#4 Goro (Mortal Kombat II)

In the days of yore it used to be an honor to go down to the local arcade machines and face the ladder of Mortal Kombat, and this would be the guy at the end. Two was a momentous game for the series, it expanded the franchise to more accessible levels, and with this expansion came some new bosses. The original boss, Shang Tsung, was a worthy challenger for best Mortal Kombat boss, but he really doesn't compare to the brute strength of 'Goro'. In the storyline 'Goro' has been champion of Mortal Kombat for over 100 years, and it's easy to see why, in the second game he is impossible to beat, and future games would be nothing compared to the insane challenge that he possesses here.

No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't do it. It's such an incredible difficulty spike that it hist you like a ton of bricks when you finally faced him. He's just so overpowered, and you can't get anywhere near him due to the fear of being ripped in half. Fuck the kombos, you can't even hit the guy. Other Mortal Kombat bosses, like Shang Tsung and Kintaro, may have their strengths, but there really is only one true champion of Mortal Kombat, and most of the time it isn't you.

#3 General M. Bison (Street Fighter II)

This battle was almost as awesome as his 'Yes' chant, and that really is something special. The guy is just so awesome that he's actually scripted to win the battle, and that's against fucking Ryu. He was just so damn good, I remember picking him every single time because he was just so much better than any other fighter in the game, and that game happens to be one of my favorites of all time. This ridiculous ability of his to utterly destroy people comes from his psycho power energy, that in short just owns everything. He's such a brilliant character to spam attacks with, and playing with him was so easy and satisfying. You could infuriate the other player by just spamming his devastating moves. He is quite simply the ultimate boss, a legend of the video game industry.

#2 Ornstein & Smough (Dark Souls)

From what is a criminally overrated game comes this battle, which is both epic and frustrating at the same time. The video doesn't really show that level of difficulty, as the guy manages to beat it with a guitar, but trust me, it's fucking difficult. Ornstein is the smaller one, he's a dragon slayer who presumably only just missed out on the role of 'Dovahkiin', and so takes out all his anger on you. Ornstein is also a fucking huge knight that also happens to be bloody quick on his feet, get anywhere near him and your face will end up in his spear. Smough is even bigger, a lot fucking bigger. He's an executioner by trade, although judging by his size he must be the executioner of Chris Moyles, or something of a similar size. If Ornstein hasn't already slashed you to pieces then Smough will just crush you with his immense hammer, making this duo a deadly combo of opposing enemies.

But because beating two of them wasn't enough of a challenge, the last one standing absorbs the soul of the other, meaning they become twice as powerful, just to give you that false sense of hope before you inevitably die, again. If you thought 'Dark Souls' was a difficult game, and trust me it is, then you will no doubt never actually complete it. This battle is a large difficulty spike, even for a game as tricky as this, and death is the most likely outcome every time you try again. Out of all the entries on this list this is by far the most frustrating, even more than Mike Tyson.

#1 Bowser (Super Mario Bros.)

What else could it be? Who else has become as synonymous with boss battles as Bowser? Nobody, that's who. Bowser is quite simply the most recognizable bad guy in the history of video games. He has almost become the main event in the legendary 'Mario' franchise, and has a firm place in the mind of any gamer around the world. But there could only be one winner of the many battles over the years, and that had to be one of the originals, even though many other battles could also be on this very list. This in my opinion has been his most intense mission to date. It had everything from a tricky trip through Bowser's Castle, to the inevitable battle which certainly didn't disappoint. It was also one of the harder battles, to stand any chance you really had to get through the castle unscathed, which is a lot easier said than done.

I just love that Bowser's image has not been degraded over the years despite being repetitively beaten up by a small Italian plumber. It gives you an indicator into how much the gaming world really does love 'Bowser', and I'm sure any veteran gamer will remember this battle fondly. He is quite simply the original video game boss, a model example for the various other epic entries on this list, but I don't think any of them can quite topple the living legend that is 'Bowser'.

Top 10 Worst Children's TV Shows

I have already counted down my favorite children's TV shows of all time, but now it's time for the other end of the spectrum. This list is for the shows that ended up being too annoying. I know kids shows are meant to be simplified, but these just took the piss, and even a five year old version of myself would groan at the thought of sitting through one.

#10 Byker Grove (1989-2006)

I'm not sure this is a 'kids' TV show, but I've decided to include it because it's terrible. It attempts to recreate the drama that might occur in a young persons life, and shows you the consequences of this. Which would work if all the world was like Newcastle. Thankfully it isn't, and so the lessons end up feeling like overacted and artificial bullshit, which they almost certainly are. They also focus on issues which really don't concern me when I was a kid. I just didn't care about homosexual relationships and drugs, I only wanted another Beyblade to add to the collection.

The show is probably most notable for launching the careers of Ant and Dec, who are thankfully only famous in Britain. For anyone outside of the UK I would compare Ant and Dec to your asshole, they seem to go wherever you go, but nobody really wants them there. Oh, and also they're just generally annoying assholes. At the end of the day this show was just a knock off version of the mediocre 'Grange Hill', and it never felt like the genuine product, just a cheap knock off. It was always a budget, shitty soap opera aimed at moronic kids.

#9 Peppa Pig (2004-Present)

'Peppa Pig' has been gaining a lot of popularity in recent years, and that annoys me greatly. To me the idea of a random pig just doesn't excite me, especially when that pig has a really annoying personality. The show tells various stories that relate to her and similar friends, that also resemble different animals. The problems start when you consider that the show only runs for five minutes, which means the stories and situations presented are basic to say the least. Or maybe that comes as a blessing, as there's only so much time I can stomach dull and predictable storylines.

However the thing I really hate about this is the way that 'Peppa' herself is presented. The only lesson this seems to be giving kids is that it's okay for them to be complete wankers, as 'Peppa' just comes across as an inconsiderate asshole. Absolutely everything has to be centered around her, and although she is the main character it still isn't a good idea to make her right all the time. And when she is proven wrong she just acts like a complete twat. A great lesson then to educate your siblings, although if they all follow Peppa's example, humanity might well be screwed.

#8 Barney & Friends (1992-2010)

You know your life is bad when you start getting lectured by a smiling purple dinosaur. He just never stops, always trying to teach you things with his awkward songs and dances. His attitude is worse though, I know this is aimed at children but fuck me does he patronize them. He just treats them all like morons, which to be fair they probably are if they're tuning into this. But it's his always positive attitude that really gets on my fucking nerves. Instead of telling kids that they're being little dickheads, he will kindly bend the truth and justify to them why being a bellend is okay. He is in short the shittest parent of all time, mainly because he's a dinosaur, but also because he solves anything that does go wrong with his stupid life lessons, and if that doesn't work, magic.

He just reminds me of that embarrassing parent you always had, and you can't help but hold your head in your hands when he starts to dance. He also has this ear piercing voice that even dogs would cry at hearing, couple this with his shitty songs and you have a recipe for disaster. It also doesn't help that he is essentially a pedophile in a cheap dinosaur costume. It really does get quite creepy at times, and his catchphrase "a stranger is a friend you haven't met" really doesn't help things, in fact it's probably him justifying his perverse actions. But don't just take my word for it, ask the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay who regularly have to watch this as a form of torture. I wish that was a joke, I feel quite sorry for the prisoners, as I would quite happily be water-boarded over hours watching this monstrosity.

#7 Pee-wee's Playhouse (1986-1991)

Our first controversial pick, as this how has gained somewhat of a cult status in recent years, but to me it's just fucking annoying. It's appeal has been reduced in recent years, and that has a lot to do with host Paul Reubens being arrested for publicly masturbating in a theater. Which makes him the perfect candidate to host children's TV, and makes him a hell of a lot creepier. But i suppose I can see where people are coming from, it may well have been a landmark in television, and the wacky and original games are a fun for a bit, but for me they just become too much. They end up obscure and annoying rubbish that loses any value it may once have ha. Yes I do admit that this was a leap forward for television, but I find it annoying. Sorry.

#6 Little Einsteins (2005-Present)

The fact that this how bears the legendary name of Albert Einstein was the last nail in the coffin for me. The fact that this show has the audacity to name itself after one of the greatest individuals in history is downright offensive. What next? A junior cooking show called 'Little Lecters'. Not to mention that Einstein's likeness completely alienates the target audience, who are probably only interested in the animated characterless cretins, who's mere presence fills the screen with intolerable excrement. The aim, yes there is an aim, is to teach kids about culturally significant art and music, because I find nothing entertains kids more than learning about what influenced the Renaissance period. When I was that age I cared about dinosaurs and the tweenies, not fucking culturally significant art.

Once you get past the stupid premise of the show you come across the mandatory song and dance section, which as per usual sound absolutely awful, with the majority of the songs being unbearable, and not in any way catchy. The other big problem is the plot. I would expect a programme that has named itself after Albert Einstein to be intelligent and work problems out with a sound logic, but no, in this show we have the issue of erupting volcanoes being solved with a magic flute. Just brilliant, what fucking geniuses you are. This show really doesn't teach kids about problem solving like the name would suggest, it just shows them how to become invaluable morons.

#5 Lazy Town (2004-2014)

Ladies and gentleman I give you Iceland's answer to children's TV. And it's here we also discover why Iceland has such an abnormally high suicide rate. It quite literally tells the story of a lazy town that has been subdued by the huge problem of people eating junk food. This is of course until totalitarian, and slightly camp, PE teacher 'Sportacus' arrives to force exercise on these poor souls, and generally make them behave like utter nonses. The mere sight of 'Sportacus' is enough to make me sigh, he can't even enter a room without doing about 15 somersaults, and whilst I applaud his enthusiasm, I can't help but feel this is unnecessary.

As per usual there are songs, and of course as per usual they're all terrible. They also force you to do exercise in an attempt to stimulate exercise, which if you read the latest statistics on childhood obesity has worked a treat. The show also runs on the flawed logic that kids should be outside instead of watching TV, when of course this is a TV show, and so they're going to be inactively flopping on the couch. But even the sight of an overweight person is punishable by exercise in this dystopian future. It's actually quite narcissistic how this show frowns at obese children, they all have to be a perfect shape, which is a great message to be sending to impressionable kids. A message I'm sure will affect their self esteem at one point in time. But in the end, I don't really care about that. When a show is as cheesy and pretentious as this your only concern is making it through the episode without throwing up in the nearest bucket. So I guess in a way it's message of getting people to loose weight does work.

#4 The Teletubbies (1997-2001)

OK I'll admit it, these things get on my fucking nerves, and I don't care how many washed up 80's pop stars you get to voice them, I still just hate them. They just creep me out. Look at them, what the hell are they? They're these weird sort of alien things that are looked after by a sexually active hoover, who seems to spend his time giving out blow jobs rather than actually doing any hoovering. To make things worse these things also have TVs that have been built into their stomach, which apparently house the memories of fallen children who have been absorbed by these monsters, and now reside in their chests for an eternity.

It just gets worse. It turns out these vicious killers also have a lair, a lair that is hidden in a hillside. It reminds me of a spawn point for enemies in a video game, a location that you would happily circle with frag grenades for two hours to avoid being absorbed into the teletubbie's chest. From this evidence I can deduce that these seemingly innocent beings are part of a satanical cult that sacrifice the lives of small children for their 'sun god', which resembles a giant baby. If this doesn't scare you then you're twice the man that I am. Just watching one episode of this makes me wish I hadn't. There's something so horribly evil about this, nothing is normal. And just look at them. What the fuck is this? 

#3 Dora The Explorer (2000-Present)

What the hell is wrong with recent children's TV. This show for me just sums up this downward spiral with its absurd premise. It makes zero sense, and at times is like watching the breakdown of human society whilst high on LSD. It follows a girl named 'Dora', who amazingly hasn't been put into care yet, despite being an explorer. It is sometimes quite alarming that her parents don't give a single shit about her, and so her only company is a talking backpack. Yep, that's right, you know your life is bad when you're being given life skills by a backpack. More to the point if my backpack talked to me I would fucking run, not listen to its advice. But 'Dora' does have family, she has a dodgy looking on screen cousin called 'Diego', who saves animals in his spare time, like the majority of twelve year olds do. Although I get the sense he's really rather sinister, and is heavily involved in the fur industry. However, his sexual chemistry with Dora does at least keep this show interesting at some points.

But apart from that it's all bad. It must be one of the easiest jobs in the world writing the script for this show, as it's always the same plot every single bloody time. Nothing is ever imaginative or original, it's just the same formula copy and pasted into each episode. But that's okay, because after all Dora does teach your kids how to speak Spanish, which may be of use until you realise that the show prioritizes this over other vital skills such as counting, or learning the alphabet. Which on the face of things might be quite important. But that's a minor issue compared to the flaws of the protagonist. For me Dora is just utterly useless, and solves absolutely nothing herself. I never get the impression that I get anything out of this programme, and listening to Dora's pointless rambling is equally stupid. It just seems like none of it has been thought through. I mean why the hell you would you create an explorer that doesn't even know how to read a map? Fuck me.

#2 Boohbah (2003-Present)

I have no words to describe my emotions just writing an article about this, yet alone watching it. Just what the fuck is going on here. There are no words to describe this, for the horrific experience you have to experience it first hand. But do be warned, it goes on for 25 minutes. 25 minutes of pointless dancing and nothing else. If you really want to be scared late at night, don't watch a horror movie, just watch this, it's fucking disturbing. I hope whoever thought of this is currently locked away in an asylum.

#1 Rugrats (1991-2004)

A strange choice you may think, after all people love this. But not me, no, I believe this to be the most overrated show in the history of television, and that really is quite an accolade. You see I just hate the praise this thing always gets. It's annoying, it's stupid, and the characters have zero personality. They try and act all mature, but end up looking like annoying little shits. The plot doesn't help them, it's a cliche ridden mess, that only serves in infuriating me more by making the characters look like bellends. The storylines themselves are also tedious and boring, and I never feel I get anything out of it. There really isn't any value to watching this, and it sure as hell isn't entertaining. I just hate the idea of kids thinking they can run the place. My advice to kids would be to not watch this, but read 'Lord of The Flies' instead, a much better depiction of kids, not like in this pile of shit.

Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag Review

Assassin's Creed IV is the next highly awaited installment in the long lasting 'Assassin's Creed' franchise. It serves as a prequel to the very disappointing Assassin's Creed III, and centers of protagonist Edward Kenway, who happens to be a pirate, and the father of Haytham, from number three. I am hoping that this game will revive the franchise after leaving everyone a bit angry after the culmination of the third installment. I wasn't originally very hopeful, as I felt the premise was flawed in the fact that this game should be condoning the actions of assassin's, which in this case happens to be a pirate. Still, I guess he's just a different type of murderer now.

The actual setting is The Caribbean in various stages of the 18th century, although for some reason a specific time isn't really referenced in this game, it just passes in months which you have to work out yourself through dialogue, because apparently a fictional date is too difficult to write into the story. Still, this is a period of history that I find particularly fascinating, and the main cities of Nassau, Kingston and Havana are presented in a nice fashion, if a little bland compared to previous cities in the franchise. But the character of the game really comes from the open ocean, where many islands and shipwrecks can be discovered. It is a really well put together map, that for me finally takes the franchise into that 'open world' feeling. I think this new focus on naval elements makes the game feel a lot more open, and I really do like that. So thumbs up from me.

I will also say that it looks very nice, even on my aging Xbox 360. Yes, even though it was made for a more powerful console it still performs very well, even if a few of the textures are a little ugly. But those ugly ones are overshadowed by the deep jungles, and the beautiful looking azure waters that also happen to be dynamic, which makes them look even better. The audio, as we have come to expect from this series, is spectacular. The score is at it's usual brilliant best, but for me the best contribution comes from sea shanties, which your crew will very kindly sing for you to instantly cheer you up. I would happily listen to them for hours. There are the usual noticeable glitches, but then show me an open world game that hasn't. However, there might be slightly more than you expect from a triple a game, and especially the signature free running system, that I absolutely loved from previous games, gets very frustrating and temperamental at times. Which is quite amazing, as it worked an absolute treat in number three.

Mmm, that's some nice looking water.

Probably the biggest advancement comes from the naval elements of the game, which really define a great open world experience. It centers around the fictional ship known as 'The Jackdaw', that looks as pathetic as it sounds. But with a few upgrades here and there, with what is a very good upgrade system, the ship can at least become something respectable. Although I still wish it was possible to pilot captured ships, as some of them look fucking brilliant. But I can't really complain, some of the best moments of the game happen from the ship's helm, and it really shows there is some progress in a rather stale franchise. The only downside is the trading mini-game, which is excruciatingly boring, and has no real benefit apart from a few extra coins. You get the sense that it's really only for the completionists, who thankfully are unlikely to reproduce.

As for the actual campaign, which should be the main selling point of all RPGs, it's really a tale of two halves. It follows what appears to be every single pirate in the history of the world as they generally do very little. Sometimes it feels more like a soap opera, with new characters arriving every mission, and the total number must reach about 5 million by the end. But once the formalities are out of the way, the real story begins, and thanks to some solid character development and a good, if a little predictable script, it does eventually get there, and the climax is something rather special. My main concern is that this slow burner of a campaign changes villain every two seconds, and so without any clear direction it sometimes feels like a bit of a chore, and what could have been an excellent final mission is instead something rather ordinary.

Wait, which one are you supposed to be again?

My other problem is that there is a lack of variety in missions. They all come in very repetitive forms, and for the love of god if I have to do another tailing mission that desynchronizes when 'I'm detected', I shall cry, 50% of the bloody campaign must be made up of those, and at times it's very frustrating, as it's exactly the same mission you did about 15 minutes ago. I just hate games that force you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do, it takes away any sense of fun. The mission Nazi's at Ubisoft have also taken away the fun of viewpoints. Anyone who remembers them from the original few games will remember how it used to be a great challenge to scale the tallest towers, but now it's usually just a case of climbing up a random pole. And with multiplayer being the same old average, and at times very tedious killfest, I can't help but feel Ubisoft are trying to squeeze the life out of this old man of a franchise. Where are my classics gone? Where is my Ezio Auditore? He was a proper protagonist. You couldn't tell whether he was going to stab the person or fuck them up the ass, but now we have to contend with somebody who can't decide whether they're a pirate or not. Black Flag's just fine, but I can't help but feel it could be better. Maybe if Ubisoft weren't just trying to make money and actually put more hard work into it, then maybe I wouldn't be moaning about it right now.

Rant over, but in all seriousness Black Flag is one of the better Assassin's Creed games, and the first one I would consider recommending for a long time. It may not have been a revelation (because that was the last of the Ezio trilogy), but there are some new features that at least show the series is developing in the right direction, although they will try and milk the classic elements for all their worth first. But what I really enjoy about this game is that feeling that there's always more to discover. Yes, sometimes it does feel like a slog, but you will end up enjoying it I promise, even it that takes quite a while. But trust me, your patience will be rewarded.


Final Score: 84/100   ****

Top 10 Children's TV Shows

Children's TV may claim to be educational, but I'm pretty sure it has as much impact as rubbing an encyclopedia on their head. Still, it didn't stop me from watching hour upon hour of this stuff. Some of it may have worked, but the majority just scarred me for life. Here are some that just missed the list:

Blue Peter: The classic. A serious TV show for kids who might actually want to learn something, in its own unique British way.
Play School: The original. Who knew dolls could be so influential?
The Hoobs: Wake up early enough and this was your reward on Channel 4. The symbiotic relationship between 'Hoobs' and humans made this so enjoyable.
In The Night Garden: Watch this for 20 minutes and it will ruin your life, nothing makes any sense. But my god are the hooks in those songs memorable.
Trumpton: "Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub". A beautiful line there that will stay with anyone forever.

#10 Spongebob Squarepants (1999-Present)

'Spongebob Squarepants' will probably go down as one of the most popular cartoons in history, after being at the forefront of Nickelodeon for almost a decade. It tells the story of a talking sponge with impeccable dress sense, and follows his antics around the fictional underwater village of 'Bikini Bottom'. 'Spongebob Squarepants' is rather special when compared to other children's TV shows, I feel it can be watched by both children and adults, in fact I wouldn't mind watching an episode right now, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I did recently watch the film, which certainly has its moments. The secret to its success lies in the quirky and colorful cast that include the likes of 'Patrick', a touching tribute to Jade Goodie, and the evil 'Plankton', who sort of represents a used tampon. The fun, and often mature characters are great fun to watch, and with the entertaining storylines can instantly cheer you up.

It's a shame that it really is Nickelodeon's only good show, the rest of the schedule is just filled with tedious crap, and so it's a nice surprise that 'Spongebob' and the gang repeatedly appear in good episodes. I just have to admit that I hate all this internet attention it's getting, with annoying sequences such as 'The Campfire Song' getting widespread coverage, which unfortunately makes me feel that this show may be slightly overrated. Not that the kids really care though.

#9 Fireman Sam (1987-2005)

I will personally admit that I viewed this man as a god when I was a kid, he would just instantly save the day when anything mildly inconvenient happened in sleepy Welsh villages. That sleepy Welsh village happens to be the legendary 'Pontypandy', which you can view in its full glory in the TV show and the excellent video game, although I would give the newer episodes a miss since the producers have fallen into the trap of expanding too much, and so all the new characters are just pathetic, soulless, cheap replicas of the famous firefighter. After all the classic episodes are just brilliant, with everything that can possibly go wrong going wrong in every episode. You name it and Sam has probably dealt with it, everything from mining disasters to pizza oven fires.

My favorite character though is the legendary villain, 'Naughty Norman Price', whos antics quickly become the highlight of many action packed episode. The show also has the benefit of teaching kids about fire safety, which it does by showing kids genuinely tragic moments, and through intricate character relationships, which makes Pontypandy seem like a rougher version of Eastenders, just with better storylines. 

#8 Bananas In Pyjamas (1992-2001)

Possibly the most stupid, yet brilliant idea of all time. The person who came up with this must have been an utter genius, and he was even Australian. It's pretty self explanatory really, they're banana's that wear pyjamas, and it fucking works, it's great fun to watch. I never thought I would witness bananas cocking around with giant rats and teddybears in what must be the most fucked up neighborhood ever, but I'm glad I did, as their fun antics and entertaining storylines kept me going for hours, even if I did feel a bit patronized. The standout moment though is the theme tune, it just makes the programme. Trust me as soon as you hear that hook, it will never leave your mind.

#7 The Tweenies (1999-Present)

What the fuck where these things? More importantly, why the fuck did I tune in every day to watch them cock around? Just look at them, it's like seeing the children of humanity trying to recover after a nuclear holocaust. If I remember correctly it consisted of Bella, the resident bitch who has to always be better than everyone else, who is visible on the far left. Then there's Milo, the racial stereotype. Fizz, the pre slut stage girl who has no personality at all, and finally Jake, the kid with learning difficulties who's always slower than the rest. But this cast made for some brilliant storylines, and it was all dictated by 'The Tweeny Clock', which really belongs in a dystopian novel, as it commands 'The Tweenies' on what they must do next, in a sort of 'Big Brother' style, except this is actually very entertaining.

It has been going through a rough patch recently, and a poorly timed Jimmy Saville joke didn't exactly help things, which really has to be seen to be believed. The rest is just an assortment of hideously bright colors and tedious storylines. But I still love it. It never once got annoying, and you would always leave with a huge smile on your face. However, they are the sort of characters that you would just love to punch in the face.

#6 Bob The Builder (1999-Present)

This man is not just the legend of children's TV, but also the main event of the primary school disco. Fuck the 'macarena', when this guy was blaring out of the speakers you knew the party had begun. This wasn't surprising, the song managed to get to number one in the charts, which is very impressive for a children's TV theme, and also blew the minds of kids all over the country by asking 'can Bob really fix it?' Of course if you were one of the hard kids at the disco then you would always shout "no he can't" after the hook. Break out your shitty break-dancing moves after that and the pussy would form an orderly queue. It's safe to say that many primary school romances where made and broken to this absolute beast of a tune.

Once you get passed the awesome soundtrack you're actually left with a very good show, packed full of interesting down to earth characters that are instantly relatable and impossible to dislike. My favorite has to be 'Lofty', who resembles a person with down syndrome, and also happens to be scared of just about anything. I wouldn't be surprised if the loose cannon turned out to be a schizophrenic, which would certainly put an interesting spin on things. But there's something so masculine about watching this show, it really does get the testosterone flowing. It's basically pornography for toddlers, with butch, oiled up diggers to gawp at. I really wouldn't be surprised if I did manage to crack one out to this, although I would feel a bit guilty afterwards. 

#5 Thomas The Tank Engine (1984-Present)

There's something slightly scary about a talking engine that refuses to stop smiling, you just get the sense that at any moment it might start chatting up the children who are waiting to get on. It doesn't help that he lives on 'The Island of Sodor', in which all transport talks, which when you think about it is fucking terrifying. But what makes it worse is that there are villainous trains as well. Diesel 10, who is the main bad guy, has this ominous presence of sheer evil, and just the thought of him made me shit my pants when I saw the film in the cinema. Of course then I didn't realise he could be defeated by just running away, but I've never looked at trains the same way since.

The rest of the cast are a fun and eclectic mix of varying personalities, and with each new series they seem to rapidly expand, which is a shame as they don't all fit in the unbelievably catchy title sequence. 'Thomas' even has some star power going for him, the original few series were narrated by Ringo Starr, who admittedly is the worst Beatle, but that still makes him an absolute legend. I don't care where you live, no other children's TV show has that amount of star power, and his narrations coupled with some slick animation made this show a must see for any children. This is just great quality viewing that's still going strong today.  

#4 Postman Pat (1981-Present)

This innocent postman has seen just about everything, he was even bummed whilst stuck in a tree in one episode, which is a bit insulting considering that a puppet has had a more entertaining life than myself. In fact Pat has probably had a more entertaining life than any person on the planet, as he seems to do everything in the most useless town of all time. But mainly it's about delivering the fucking post in the town of Greendale, with a black and white cat. What a legend. He's just so brilliantly British, he lacks any charisma, but his charming averageness wins you over despite the fact that his lips don't even move. It really is edge of your seat stuff, such mundane tasks become epic cliffhangers, and delivering post becomes the most exciting thing about life itself.

Pat has unfortunately fallen for the evil disease known as 'diversity' in recent years, and beloved characters are being fazed out by minorities to please everyone, because children obviously really care about inclusion. It still contains some classic moments, but I feel most of the magic has been lost. Although that may have something to do with the fact that I no longer view the postal service in a god like manner, as it really isn't as exciting as this show makes it out to be. It's a shame then that I grew out of this, but I cannot deny that this is a brilliant show, one for the kid still inside me.

#3 Arthur (1996-Present)

Schooldays only meant one thing to me, the fact that 'Arthur' would be on when I got home. I used to love the sound of the bell, the signal that meant I could bolt out of the gate and come home to be entertained by this wisecracking aardvark. Who can forget legendary moments such as the epic 'library card song', that really must go down as one of TV's greatest all time greatest moments. That isn't all, it's also full of wit and humor with serious brains to back up all the great storylines that never once got repetitive. The diverse range of characters that are based on animals are also great fun to watch, and almost become a vision of reality, despite being cartoon representations of inhuman organisms. I don't really have much else to say about this, it's just made so much better than anything else on this list, just a genuinely good TV show.

#2 The Wombles (1973-1975)

There's something so brilliantly shit about 'The Wombles', something you don't quite get with any other show. It's something that both adults and children can enjoy, and it's also something bloody brilliant. The programme centers around a fictitious mammalian species as they forage for litter around Wimbledon Common, which is still the only significant thing to have ever happen there, and definitely not the tennis. It's hard to think of more charismatic puppets, 'The Wombles' really are rockstars. They've even had their own christmas number one single, which was so brilliantly bad, and probably helped lead to their demise just two short years later.

It really doesn't come as a surprise that these guys were the heroes of their day. Why did I have to grow up with the generation that worshiped fucking Harry Potter? I would have loved to have idolized 'The Wombles', but now they just belong in the past. They really are legends of television who beacme an iconic part of the 1970's. Unfortunately for them they were 1970's BBC stars, which means they will probably turn out to be pedophiles. In fact this show is now the only show the BBC are allowed to broadcast from the 1970's.

#1 Sesame Street (1969-Present)

 

How could it possibly be anything else? If you don't enjoy this as a child then something is seriously wrong with you. There is nothing that comes anywhere near the caliber of this programme on children's TV, it really has blown the minds of children for decades all around the world. But for me, what makes this programme is the 'Cookie Monster'. He is quite possibly the greatest TV character of all time, and he simply is just a monster that likes eating cookies. How fucking awesome is that. But it's not just him, there's the brilliant 'Count Von Count' who can help you to count, or probably best known for being in some truly hilarious family guy sketches. The rest of the cast isn't quite on the same level, but they still make for an epic show.

It really is amazing that this show has gone all these years without a single serious competitor. But it all makes sense when you watch just one episode, it's just so much better than anything else. It's embarrassing when you compare it to 'Barney The Dinosaur', which has really been its only competitor. Although I wouldn't really call an annoying purple bastard who baits children with disabilities a competitor, he's not even close. Yes it may be slightly going downhill in recent years, but they're still able to tackle adult themes, such as gluttony and death, and yet produce some hilarious plots that just make the show ridiculously entertaining.

Top 10 Alien Invasions

Alien Invasions

Alien invasions are often the subject in many sci-fi films, and they're usually portrayed as mindless killers. Here I have compiled a list of my top 10 favorites sticking specifically to film.

#10 Men In Black (1997)  (7/10)

Surely you must know the plot to this one. It follows a secret organization, known as 'Men In Black', that monitor alien life on Earth, effectively hiding their existence from society. The film is a nice take on a classic Marvel comic series, and it blends action and comedy sequences together to make an overall pleasant viewing experience. This seemingly major alien threat is never once taken seriously, and it provides a light hearted tale that differs itself from the majority of this list.

#9 Invasion of The Body Snatchers (1978)  (8/10)

This is a remake of a 1956 classic of the same name, and it couldn't be more different to number ten. It tells the story of a parasitic species that abandon their dying home planet and arrive in San Francisco via solar wind. Here they gradually replace humans with identical clones, known as 'pod people', to the unknowing public. This premise makes for a genuinely chilling experience, the fact that the aliens could be absolutely anyone means this film never gets boring. There is always a sense in your mind that the person who has just walked into shot could be an alien. This well paced story eventually leads to a fantastic climax, which involves that iconic scream above, and provided a thrilling cliffhanger that still traumatizes me today. A brilliant take on the alien invasion genre that may just mentally scar you for life.

#8 Superman 2 (1980)  (6/10)

It didn't help that half of this film had to be shot again, but ignore the lackluster film and you have a decent alien invasion. The actual invasion only consists of three people, who are led by legendary villain General Zod, whose one liners and general screen presence instantly make him one of my all time favorite villains. The story is they seek revenge after their home planet is destroyed by a hydrogen bomb, and with new powers granted by the sun they just generally become douchebags. They do leave a lot to be desired, but their presence is both entertaining and a little shabby at the same time.

#7 The Thing (1982)  (7/10)

This is one of the main reasons I won't go anywhere near Antarctica, it is the stuff of nightmares, and still continues to haunt me to this very day. This sole alien is a parasitic species that lives inside a human. It can pass completely undetected from human to human, and just so happens to inhabit an Antarctic research station, which leaves me and the crew with brown stained pants. The film is both horrific and gory, something that it's been heavily criticized for. Although to me it just makes the alien seem that much worse, the exceptional special effects really don't leave much to the imagination, making the parasite seem all that more horrific. Overall a really good idea, but then I've always loved parasitic alien species, I just find them so interesting.

#6 The Avengers (2012)  (5/10)

Probably the most overrated, and unoriginal film of all time, but at the same time pretty fucking successful. 1.51 billion is how much this film made in dollars, the third highest in history. I'm not really sure why, it isn't anything special, it just looks quite nice, and also features a nice alien invasion. The aliens in this case are known as 'Chitauri', who invade Earth when they join forces with the evil Loki. That's certainly not a bad idea, but for me the film is too action orientated and cliche ridden to be any good. It's not necessarily a bad film, I just never remember enjoying any of it, despite repeated thoughts that this might be quite awesome.

But as much as the flawed script and poor direction let it down, it still has a nice alien invasion which serves as an anchored backdrop to what should have been a solid plot. I would also praise the performance of Loki, Tom Hiddlestone works his British charms a treat, and this works as an effective portrayal of such a powerful character. But unfortunately the rest of the star studded cast don't quite live up to their billing, and they end up trying to get noticed over each other, which leaves the script feeling very flat, and lacking any depth to convey a good story. I guess I felt there was something missing from all the action, the solid alien invasion certainly didn't hurt though.

#5 Mars Attacks (1996)  (7/10)

This list has been a bit serious so far, so here we have an entry that's just some good lighthearted fun, mixed with a bit of murder. 'Mars Attacks' is the satirical story of a martian invasion of Earth. The farce that follows next is quite extraordinary, the film goes from blackmailing president Jack Nicholson to bowling with the Easter Island statues, in a moment that really must be seen to be believed. I just like that in a genre dominated by serious pieces that this film can come along and shit on them all. My only real problem comes from the fact that the stellar cast is not suitable for what is essentially a B movie. Sometimes it does try and take itself too seriously, but I don't really care in the end, it's just utterly ridiculously and stupidly good fun.

#4 District 9 (2009)  (8/10)

This is an exceptional example of an invasion film, because it isn't like anything else on this list. Out of a genre that really doesn't vary much, this is the most original and unique the film industry can come up with. For once an alien invasion film becomes a political drama and focuses on more ethical dilemmas rather than endless action shots. It takes place in 1982 Johannesburg, when an alien ship is found with malnourished inhabitants aboard. The government forces them to live in an area known as 'District 9', where race wars and cultural clashes soon occur.

This is a classic piece of political fiction, that puts a new spin on an already powerful topic. The story sends the viewer strong messages on both racial segregation and national identity. It's probably not going to be the revolutionary that it claimed to be, but it is an extremely well worked and directed take on the sci-fi genre.

#3 War of The Worlds (2005)  (6/10)

This really is the blueprint for all alien invasion movies. It is genesis, all other movies would follow in its footsteps, and everything you see in any other films is based off of this film. It is the original disaster thriller, and is based on the classic HG Wells novel. It is probably best remembered for the tripod like spiders that clamber out of the ground the vaporize Earth's cities, which is quite an awesome plot, especially considering they have huge laser cannons that obliterate anything in range. The romantic and personal aspects of the plot sometimes do get a little distracting, but the aliens are usually kept to the fore, which is the main thing, even if the ending is very anticlimactic. Although I will give praise to the director for sticking to the book's original ending, even if it does fall a little flat.

But if you ignore the pathetic ending then you have a solid film that harbors fucking awesome aliens. Overall it is a nice film to look at, especially the destruction scenes, which are expertly shot. But I really feel that the aliens could of made to be more intimidating, they don't really have any purpose, and there is very little direct contact with them. However, this is a very harrowing experience, one that seems so plausible that it almost makes it realistic. For once on this list you get the impression that these aliens could be a genuine threat to humanity, and realism is a hard thing to pull off in a sci-fi film.

#2 Predator (1987)  (8/10)

A personal favorite of mine that also happens to be a pretty awesome invasion. It tells the story of a group of commandos who find out they're being hunted by a super-evolved alien life form in the jungles of Central America. I just find this film awesome, everything from Arnold Schwarzenegger to the brilliant special effects, which are put to great use in multiplying the threat of the invasion and giving it powers such as active camouflage and thermal imaging. It's not a film that relies on finer details, often resorting to brutal 'Arnie' style fight sequences that carry this film along at an incredible pace. But in my opinion this just makes the alien that much more brilliant, there still isn't any back story on the alien, but who cares when he can fire fucking lasers out of his shoulders.

I also think that by not giving the alien a back story it creates a sense of mystery. It's not heavily featured like in other similar films, and so when we do get a shot of this elusive life form you can't help but feel exciting, after all it has laser cannons in its fucking shoulders. There really isn't much else to say about it, but brawn versus aliens never gets old. Oh, and laser cannons, can't forget them.

#1 Independence Day (1996)  (7/10)

I don't think anyone can really argue with this decision. It might be a lackluster film, but I really don't think any other invasion comes anywhere near. This really is the invasion in the movie universe, this huge blockbuster really has become the epitome for all sci-fi films to follow. It centers around an alien mothership that enters Earth's orbit, and a team of cliche ridden soldiers have to try and destroy it using limited firepower. No other invasion film shows destruction on this scale, The White House being destroyed is both an iconic and visually stunning scene that shits on any American in the audience. In a way it almost becomes like the Death Star battle from 'Star Wars Episode IV', just a bit shitter. But you can't deny that the beautifully shot action sequences serve only to highlight the brutal and menacing qualities of these invaders.

Unfortunately this is another invasion film that suffers a disappointing ending, which after the previous action sequence really felt like a middle finger shoved right in my face. I understand that firepower wasn't a feasible option, but a computer virus, yeah, that won't be anticlimactic. I also don't like the fact that they created a very well worked invasion and then made no attempt to make the aliens in any way interesting. The only impression I got was that they were over-sized squid, who travel around on a huge plate, and just generally become a nuisance. But even these poorly worked squid things are better than the human cast, who try their best to ruin what could have been an epic film. But the annoying, patriotic script and shitty acting already made sure this would never get past the 'good' level. Still, an absolutely brilliant invasion.