I have already counted down my favorite children's TV shows of all time, but now it's time for the other end of the spectrum. This list is for the shows that ended up being too annoying. I know kids shows are meant to be simplified, but these just took the piss, and even a five year old version of myself would groan at the thought of sitting through one.
#10 Byker Grove (1989-2006)
I'm not sure this is a 'kids' TV show, but I've decided to include it because it's terrible. It attempts to recreate the drama that might occur in a young persons life, and shows you the consequences of this. Which would work if all the world was like Newcastle. Thankfully it isn't, and so the lessons end up feeling like overacted and artificial bullshit, which they almost certainly are. They also focus on issues which really don't concern me when I was a kid. I just didn't care about homosexual relationships and drugs, I only wanted another Beyblade to add to the collection.
The show is probably most notable for launching the careers of Ant and Dec, who are thankfully only famous in Britain. For anyone outside of the UK I would compare Ant and Dec to your asshole, they seem to go wherever you go, but nobody really wants them there. Oh, and also they're just generally annoying assholes. At the end of the day this show was just a knock off version of the mediocre 'Grange Hill', and it never felt like the genuine product, just a cheap knock off. It was always a budget, shitty soap opera aimed at moronic kids.
#9 Peppa Pig (2004-Present)
'Peppa Pig' has been gaining a lot of popularity in recent years, and that annoys me greatly. To me the idea of a random pig just doesn't excite me, especially when that pig has a really annoying personality. The show tells various stories that relate to her and similar friends, that also resemble different animals. The problems start when you consider that the show only runs for five minutes, which means the stories and situations presented are basic to say the least. Or maybe that comes as a blessing, as there's only so much time I can stomach dull and predictable storylines.
However the thing I really hate about this is the way that 'Peppa' herself is presented. The only lesson this seems to be giving kids is that it's okay for them to be complete wankers, as 'Peppa' just comes across as an inconsiderate asshole. Absolutely everything has to be centered around her, and although she is the main character it still isn't a good idea to make her right all the time. And when she is proven wrong she just acts like a complete twat. A great lesson then to educate your siblings, although if they all follow Peppa's example, humanity might well be screwed.
#8 Barney & Friends (1992-2010)
You know your life is bad when you start getting lectured by a smiling purple dinosaur. He just never stops, always trying to teach you things with his awkward songs and dances. His attitude is worse though, I know this is aimed at children but fuck me does he patronize them. He just treats them all like morons, which to be fair they probably are if they're tuning into this. But it's his always positive attitude that really gets on my fucking nerves. Instead of telling kids that they're being little dickheads, he will kindly bend the truth and justify to them why being a bellend is okay. He is in short the shittest parent of all time, mainly because he's a dinosaur, but also because he solves anything that does go wrong with his stupid life lessons, and if that doesn't work, magic.
He just reminds me of that embarrassing parent you always had, and you can't help but hold your head in your hands when he starts to dance. He also has this ear piercing voice that even dogs would cry at hearing, couple this with his shitty songs and you have a recipe for disaster. It also doesn't help that he is essentially a pedophile in a cheap dinosaur costume. It really does get quite creepy at times, and his catchphrase "a stranger is a friend you haven't met" really doesn't help things, in fact it's probably him justifying his perverse actions. But don't just take my word for it, ask the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay who regularly have to watch this as a form of torture. I wish that was a joke, I feel quite sorry for the prisoners, as I would quite happily be water-boarded over hours watching this monstrosity.
#7 Pee-wee's Playhouse (1986-1991)
Our first controversial pick, as this how has gained somewhat of a cult status in recent years, but to me it's just fucking annoying. It's appeal has been reduced in recent years, and that has a lot to do with host Paul Reubens being arrested for publicly masturbating in a theater. Which makes him the perfect candidate to host children's TV, and makes him a hell of a lot creepier. But i suppose I can see where people are coming from, it may well have been a landmark in television, and the wacky and original games are a fun for a bit, but for me they just become too much. They end up obscure and annoying rubbish that loses any value it may once have ha. Yes I do admit that this was a leap forward for television, but I find it annoying. Sorry.
#6 Little Einsteins (2005-Present)
The fact that this how bears the legendary name of Albert Einstein was the last nail in the coffin for me. The fact that this show has the audacity to name itself after one of the greatest individuals in history is downright offensive. What next? A junior cooking show called 'Little Lecters'. Not to mention that Einstein's likeness completely alienates the target audience, who are probably only interested in the animated characterless cretins, who's mere presence fills the screen with intolerable excrement. The aim, yes there is an aim, is to teach kids about culturally significant art and music, because I find nothing entertains kids more than learning about what influenced the Renaissance period. When I was that age I cared about dinosaurs and the tweenies, not fucking culturally significant art.
Once you get past the stupid premise of the show you come across the mandatory song and dance section, which as per usual sound absolutely awful, with the majority of the songs being unbearable, and not in any way catchy. The other big problem is the plot. I would expect a programme that has named itself after Albert Einstein to be intelligent and work problems out with a sound logic, but no, in this show we have the issue of erupting volcanoes being solved with a magic flute. Just brilliant, what fucking geniuses you are. This show really doesn't teach kids about problem solving like the name would suggest, it just shows them how to become invaluable morons.
#5 Lazy Town (2004-2014)
Ladies and gentleman I give you Iceland's answer to children's TV. And it's here we also discover why Iceland has such an abnormally high suicide rate. It quite literally tells the story of a lazy town that has been subdued by the huge problem of people eating junk food. This is of course until totalitarian, and slightly camp, PE teacher 'Sportacus' arrives to force exercise on these poor souls, and generally make them behave like utter nonses. The mere sight of 'Sportacus' is enough to make me sigh, he can't even enter a room without doing about 15 somersaults, and whilst I applaud his enthusiasm, I can't help but feel this is unnecessary.
As per usual there are songs, and of course as per usual they're all terrible. They also force you to do exercise in an attempt to stimulate exercise, which if you read the latest statistics on childhood obesity has worked a treat. The show also runs on the flawed logic that kids should be outside instead of watching TV, when of course this is a TV show, and so they're going to be inactively flopping on the couch. But even the sight of an overweight person is punishable by exercise in this dystopian future. It's actually quite narcissistic how this show frowns at obese children, they all have to be a perfect shape, which is a great message to be sending to impressionable kids. A message I'm sure will affect their self esteem at one point in time. But in the end, I don't really care about that. When a show is as cheesy and pretentious as this your only concern is making it through the episode without throwing up in the nearest bucket. So I guess in a way it's message of getting people to loose weight does work.
#4 The Teletubbies (1997-2001)
OK I'll admit it, these things get on my fucking nerves, and I don't care how many washed up 80's pop stars you get to voice them, I still just hate them. They just creep me out. Look at them, what the hell are they? They're these weird sort of alien things that are looked after by a sexually active hoover, who seems to spend his time giving out blow jobs rather than actually doing any hoovering. To make things worse these things also have TVs that have been built into their stomach, which apparently house the memories of fallen children who have been absorbed by these monsters, and now reside in their chests for an eternity.
It just gets worse. It turns out these vicious killers also have a lair, a lair that is hidden in a hillside. It reminds me of a spawn point for enemies in a video game, a location that you would happily circle with frag grenades for two hours to avoid being absorbed into the teletubbie's chest. From this evidence I can deduce that these seemingly innocent beings are part of a satanical cult that sacrifice the lives of small children for their 'sun god', which resembles a giant baby. If this doesn't scare you then you're twice the man that I am. Just watching one episode of this makes me wish I hadn't. There's something so horribly evil about this, nothing is normal. And just look at them. What the fuck is this?
#3 Dora The Explorer (2000-Present)
What the hell is wrong with recent children's TV. This show for me just sums up this downward spiral with its absurd premise. It makes zero sense, and at times is like watching the breakdown of human society whilst high on LSD. It follows a girl named 'Dora', who amazingly hasn't been put into care yet, despite being an explorer. It is sometimes quite alarming that her parents don't give a single shit about her, and so her only company is a talking backpack. Yep, that's right, you know your life is bad when you're being given life skills by a backpack. More to the point if my backpack talked to me I would fucking run, not listen to its advice. But 'Dora' does have family, she has a dodgy looking on screen cousin called 'Diego', who saves animals in his spare time, like the majority of twelve year olds do. Although I get the sense he's really rather sinister, and is heavily involved in the fur industry. However, his sexual chemistry with Dora does at least keep this show interesting at some points.
But apart from that it's all bad. It must be one of the easiest jobs in the world writing the script for this show, as it's always the same plot every single bloody time. Nothing is ever imaginative or original, it's just the same formula copy and pasted into each episode. But that's okay, because after all Dora does teach your kids how to speak Spanish, which may be of use until you realise that the show prioritizes this over other vital skills such as counting, or learning the alphabet. Which on the face of things might be quite important. But that's a minor issue compared to the flaws of the protagonist. For me Dora is just utterly useless, and solves absolutely nothing herself. I never get the impression that I get anything out of this programme, and listening to Dora's pointless rambling is equally stupid. It just seems like none of it has been thought through. I mean why the hell you would you create an explorer that doesn't even know how to read a map? Fuck me.
#2 Boohbah (2003-Present)
I have no words to describe my emotions just writing an article about this, yet alone watching it. Just what the fuck is going on here. There are no words to describe this, for the horrific experience you have to experience it first hand. But do be warned, it goes on for 25 minutes. 25 minutes of pointless dancing and nothing else. If you really want to be scared late at night, don't watch a horror movie, just watch this, it's fucking disturbing. I hope whoever thought of this is currently locked away in an asylum.
#1 Rugrats (1991-2004)
A strange choice you may think, after all people love this. But not me, no, I believe this to be the most overrated show in the history of television, and that really is quite an accolade. You see I just hate the praise this thing always gets. It's annoying, it's stupid, and the characters have zero personality. They try and act all mature, but end up looking like annoying little shits. The plot doesn't help them, it's a cliche ridden mess, that only serves in infuriating me more by making the characters look like bellends. The storylines themselves are also tedious and boring, and I never feel I get anything out of it. There really isn't any value to watching this, and it sure as hell isn't entertaining. I just hate the idea of kids thinking they can run the place. My advice to kids would be to not watch this, but read 'Lord of The Flies' instead, a much better depiction of kids, not like in this pile of shit.
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