Top 10 Worst Comedians

I have a lot of respect for comedians, as making an audience of strangers laugh is no easy task. There are however some performers that unfortunately fail at this task, and how anyone could find them amusing is a big question. In reality this list would be full of American comics, and although I've tried hard to sieve through all the insignificant acts that the civilized world just doesn't care about, there are still those on an international perspective that fuck up big time.


#10 Robin Williams

Well this is a controversial start. I may be a senseless bastard, but I respect this man's work as an actor to an extent, even though his work in comedy is not impressive in any way. For a man who I keep hearing is one of the funniest people of all time, it surprises me that people still fail to see the poor standard of this man's work, and especially that of his standup routines. Yes he may have a bubbly personality, but that needs to be backed up with decent and original material. Williams often complained about the stress of standup comedy, and on that point I do sympathise with him, but if this stress leads you into depression and drugs it might indicate that comedy isn't the right profession for you to go into. I'm sorry for being blunt, but this serious backstory to Williams' personal life is evident during his performances, and as a result it becomes devoid of any emotion, and underwhelming when you consider this man's personality. Everything just ends up feeling like a life lesson, and I don't want that serious undertone when listening to standup comedy.

However the thing that pisses me off the most about Williams' so called comic genius is his reliance on other people's work. In his time Williams was known for being possibly the worst joke thief of all time, and it got to the stage where other comedians would stop their routines when they heard Williams was in the building so he couldn't steal their material. When you see things that way Williams ends up looking like a massive asshole. But to be fair to Williams, he also had a large role in improv, although that's not a genre that particularly excites me, and some of his work in films has to be praised. However, when you compare this to his competitors and modern counterparts, they end up running rings around him. Maybe we should remember Robin Williams as a successful actor rather than an underwhelming comedian. His roles in 'Mrs. Doubtfire' and 'Hook' may have been poor, but their was some genuine talent hiding behind one very misunderstood human being.


#9 Graham Norton

Another man who might be a decent guy on the surface, but fails when he decides to try comedy. I will happily sit through Graham Norton's highly successful chat show, and although that maybe more to do with the range of high profile guests he has on, there is no denying that Norton is more made out to be a presenter than anything else. His narration over the Eurovision Song Contest is one example of why standup comedy really wasn't a good career move for Norton, and although he doesn't quite top the voice of the legendary Terry Wogan, he still does a good job that is far superior to his foray into comedy. The quote above shows that Norton knew he was never put out for standup comedy, and so surely he must have known that some of his material was just shockingly bad. Even now the material he spews out at the start of his chat show is cringeworthy enough to make anyone vomit, and almost ruin the show before its even started.

I just can't quite work out how a man who's failed as a comedian manages to monopolise the world of entertainment broadcasting. It still annoys me that he tries to incorporate that cringey standup act that didn't work before into his everyday broadcasting, that now encompasses just about every programme the BBC broadcast. It's just become apparent that he keeps playing the same tired old cliches, such as when he plays the gay card, that doesn't instantly become funny every time he brings the damn thing up. Okay Norton may have a decent personality, but that doesn't automatically translate itself into strong material. If anything this pisses me off even more, as Norton just shoves the same joke down your throat multiple times in one sitting, and so I just don't understand how people can respect a comedian who lives by a rinse and repeat format. Surely something must click after the fifth time you've heard the same fucking joke.




#8 Micky Flanagan

Comedians who rely on standup to become successful often gain a lot of respect from myself, but then occasionally one comes along that's so bland and forgettable that you have to ask yourself what anyone sees in him. Flanagan is one of those comics, and so not surprisingly he's yet to win any big awards. That doesn't stop him from managing to sell out arenas on his various tours, although what sort of bellends would pay money to see him is a worrying proposition. Over his career Flanagan has appeared on shows such as 'Mock the Week', gracing us with his instantly forgettable performances, and often not producing a single joke worthy of any credit. If you want to experience even more psychological trauma then his DVD is available; although do bear in mind that although it claims to be a comedy DVD, it's not even remotely funny, and just contains some stupid ramblings of a man with a really annoying voice.

It says a lot when the culmination of Flanagan's career was a lawsuit with '118-118', who got in trouble for using his 'joke' when referring to people describing going out for the evening as 'out, out'. People, including myself, regularly use that statement, so I'm still missing the punchline here. It's just a commonly used sentence, so how Flanagan can prosecute a company for another person's work is just mindblowingly stupid. All you need to know about Flanagan is that his comedy is so dreadful that cheap adverts for directory enquiries are using his best material. Since that case Flanagan's career has gone downhill, and he's since become a team captain on the offensively bad 'I Love My Country' game show, which was actually even worse than his DVD. That not surprisingly got axed and so Flanagan now tours the UK, pointlessly meandering around comedy clubs in a very similar way to his mindnumblingly dull comedy shows.


#7 Carrot Top

What the fuck is this thing? Surely that being in the picture can't be human, and yet people still pay their hard earned money to watch this alien life form fail miserably at thinking his woeful material is in some way amusing. Carrot Top's human name is Scott Thompson, and he's widely known across America as being a terrible comedian, and judging by the quote above they're not wrong. That joke above shows that Carrot Top can't even make a decent joke about himself, which I would have thought would be an easy task considering both his appearance and that self depreciation is comedy 101. I guess his inability to make a joke is the thing to laugh about, and not his performances that emphasise on physical objects to get the laughs. I don't understand how people find standup based around physical comedy funny, and to me it seems like a method that requires no creative flair, and is just regurgitating the same amusing objects with almost no skill. If you think his standup is bad, and you should do, then please never watch any of his films. I don't care what the cost of them is, don't even think about watching a second of his bollocks as they're just pure torture. Listening to anything this thing does is against my human rights, which Carrot Top wouldn't understand since he isn't one. No human would ever want to inflict as much punishment on their audience as this alien spawn does.

#6 Alan Carr

Oh God. Alan Carr isn't necessarily the worst comedian in the world, as sometimes he does come out with some decent punch lines, but the problem with Carr is his personality; which is just so fucking irritating. Even if the man does say something funny he'll end up ruining it with his annoying voice and expressions that just make you want to punch him square in the face. This annoying persona is surprising when you consider that Carr started out his career in standup, yet still somehow managed to grow a career from the fact that he wasn't very good at it. Unfortunately it then got a million times worse when he teamed up with the equally irritating Justin Lee Collins to host 'The Friday Night Project', which was unfortunately a show that aired rather than being a simple project like the title suggested, despite being incredibly shit. Who knew that teaming up two of the must unlikable people in the world would end badly? Carr now hosts his own chat show called 'Chatty Man', which thankfully is probably the best move in this man's career, although he still manages to sound annoying when talking to celebrities. I don't know if you could tell that this man was gay, but that obsession with the gay card is just such an annoying style that doesn't work in any format, especially when you're as stomach churning as Carr is. It's just too much to handle, and as a result I don't like this man at all.


#5 Peter Kay

If 'Poundland' started comedy shows then this man would be the main event. How the hell Peter Kay has set the world record for the most successful comedy performer of all time is an absolute joke. 1.2 million imbeciles decided to buy a ticket to his shows in order to hear some crap jokes told by a crap comic. But the morons weren't finished yet, as they then decided to buy his autobiography, which became the biggest selling autobiography of all time. Peter Kay's book doubled the sales of Barrack Obama's, which when you consider their respective achievements is an absolute joke. Twice the amount of British people would prefer to read about an overweight man who's crap at comedy, rather than an inspirational tale about one of the most revolutionary and important men in the world. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Kay seems like a guy who could make a few of the lads laugh down the pub, but then somehow became famous off of these same poorly constructed jokes. The people who claim that this man has the best standup performances in Britain couldn't be further from the truth. Great performers don't have bland and simplistic routines that could be emulated by anyone in the country. Kay's only bearable moment came when he coined the phrase "ave it" during a 'John Smith' commercial. Although praising someone for their greatest role in an advert is like praising Mother Theresa for having pretty eyes; it just doesn't matter. However, Kay is a renowned philanthropist, and has put a lot of effort into skits for Comic Relief, and so he's a nice guy at heart. Just a shame that when it comes to comedy he's nowhere near as good as any of his competitors. 


#4 Russell Brand

What an egomaniacal bellend who's now under some false impression that he's some sort of savior for many helpless Britons, when in reality he's an idiot that blurts out constant hypocritical bullshit to maintain his public image. He pissed me off enough when he was a shit comedian, but now he's moved into politics he's become unbearable. Even his voice is enough to send me into a rage. I'm not suggesting elocution lessons, but at least make an attempt to pronounce some words. I mean it's not as if you try and make a living in a profession that requires the use of speaking as a medium, as then I'm sure people would think you're annoying voice is a sign that you're just a stupid wanker. If his political and comedy career aren't enough to make you see what a worthless waste of life this man is then please watch some of his films. It seems Brand can't do anything without completely fucking everything up with his shitty personality. Brand is instantly hateful as soon as he opens that mouth full of shit, and so can't help but become the centre of attention, hiding his shallow and pretentious personality.

By some miracle Brand managed to marry Katy Perry. I don't know if Katy Perry is deaf or is just a terrible judge of character, but not surprisingly after two years it finally clicked that she might be in a relationship with an absolute twat, and so the two consequently broke up. It says a lot about Brand's comedy career when I can't even write two paragraphs about his work without reverting to his personal life, but then you can't really ignore the actions of a total scumbag. However we haven't even got to Brand's worst joke yet. No, his worst joke was prank calling Andrew Sachs so he could lightheartedly harass Sachs about having sex with his daughter. What a pleasant man. I'm not sure I'd call that comedy; more being a dick. Since then Brand's managed to continue being an idiot by urging the population not to vote until the aristocracy redistributes the wealth of the UK, which is just fucking idiotic. Brand genuinely believes that rich people just came about by random chance and don't merit earning more money than the average person, which I sort of understand considering his pathetic career. Brand's subsequent activism has proven he has no fucking clue about politics, and ironically that's become a bigger joke than his comedy ever was.


#3 Kathy Griffin

We now arrive at the section of comedians who are just plain annoying, and what better way to begin than with an American comedian who happens to have the most irritating personality in the world. Griffin is yet another comedian born from the dark world of improv, and as such her material is often loosely connected to her other jokes, but often the content is seemingly just random comments about politics, celebrities or her sex life. Those subject just don't interest me in any way at all, as they're certainly nothing original, and nothing that any sane person should care about when watching a comedy performance. Maybe I wouldn't be so negative if the material was actually of a decent standard, but Griffin's performances are in no way respectable and so as a result she's become one of America's least favorite standup comics. Her routines rely on samey rants that end up feeling cringeworthy to listen to, and they never seem to contain any genuine or sophisticated comments.

The thing with Griffin is that her whole cynical charade just keeps repeating the same pretentious crap over and over again, never hesitating to shove her personal views down your throat at every possible moment. This crappy personality just makes Griffin an intolerable human being, who somehow has managed to survive long enough without somebody deciding to cave her head in with a shovel. Her style of comedy needs putting out of its misery, but unfortunately she keeps putting herself in reality TV shows to infect the poor minds of her captive audience. Any of Griffin's work is about as entertaining as her diabolical standup routines, so please don't hesitate in not purchasing or watching anything with this loud mouthed bitch in it. If you're a comedian that has to rely on reality TV shows to become famous, then you really need to reevaluate your contributions to comedy.


#2 Michael McIntyre

Isn't it a shame when a comedian who can occasionally produce some good material manages to ruin their whole career thanks to their fucking annoying personality. McIntyre is quite simply one of the most irritating humans of all time, and there is nothing I would rather not watch than him prancing around the stage with his annoying laugh and annoying voice, telling jokes that he's blatantly stolen from other comics. He has the feeling of a man you would enjoy telling to fuck off when he inevitably tries to sell you a dodgy TV in 'Curry's', and so I find it amazing that people can actually find this irritating toad funny. The worst thing a comedian can do is regularly laugh at their own jokes, and it becomes even worse with McIntyre as he laughs at every single bit of his performances, despite the majority being absolute crap. How there is so much love for this man I have yet to work out, as there is no way in my mind that this imbecile could become the best selling comedian of 2012. How is that possible when you're a grade-A wanker?


#1 Keith Lemon

I don't think there can be any denying that in a world of irritating comedians, this tumor of human existence is undoubtedly the worst thing to have ever tried to tell a joke. In the world of comedy characters he is the lowest of the low, and when compared to legendary creations such as Mr. Bean or Alan Partridge, Lemon ends up looking so cringeworthy that just the sound of his voice makes me think that genocide is the only solution to humanities consistent sympathy towards this failure of a man. The actual comedian behind Keith Lemon is named Adolf Hitler, although in reality that joke is harsh on Hitler considering that he at least contributed something to the German people, whereas so called 'comedian' Leigh Francis could never even hope to achieve anything under his pathetic existence. Lemon looks like the kind of failed talent you would find as a supporting act on a cruise ship, but that still doesn't justify this weasel's pointless existence.

The above 'joke' is proof of what a waste of life this idiot is. I mean come on. Name me one thing that's meritable about that butchering of the English language. Lemon can't even use proper English words to tell a joke, but instead has to create new words in the poor attempt at his cheap, shitty version of comedy. If you do feel like torturing someone then I suggest watching either his film or his sketch show, which are both crimes against humanity that no sane human being could last two minutes watching without feeling the need to blow their brains out. Never have I ever felt the urge to murder someone as much as when I'm forced to sit through this man's pitiful attempt at making mindless morons laugh at the crap level of hilarity featured above. This man could ruin anything with his hateful personality and forceful humour. Just writing about him is making me feel the need to take my own life thanks to this stupid personality that should be kept away from society. What an absolute cunt.