Dishonorable Mentions:
Ministry - Antifa: Literally just some piece of shit advocating for total anarchy. HOW FUCKING EDGY.
Maroon 5 - What Lovers Do: Remember when Maroon 5 used to be somewhat decent? Yeah, that image is long gone.
Lil Yachty - Bring It Back: Why do I even bother listening to the rubbish this guy releases? Also, why the fuck does he sound out of breath?
Niall Horran - Slow Hands: This song is so poorly produced it sounds broken. How can anyone listen to this without being thoroughly irritated?
Sam Hunt - Body Like A Back Road: And the award for worst metaphor of the year goes to this pile of shit. Seriously though, this is country at its very worst.
Mollie King - Hair Down: The very worst of garbage pop rolled into one annoying song. Luckily it was released by some washed up British pop star, so nobody has ever had the displeasure of hearing it.
#10: 21 Savage - Bank Account
We begin our list with a generic trap rap song. Generic trap rap songs were a real rarity in 2017, although when I say that what I actually mean is they were fucking everywhere, and certainly not the sort of mindless shit that will repeatedly featured in this list. Bank Account is a particularly horrible and uninteresting way to kick this trend off. To put it simply this is just a symphony of dullness. I don't know what anyone was expecting, it's just a man droning monotonously, vaguely in time with the beat. Even the bragging is so melodramatic it's enough to put anyone to sleep. Why can't you speak up and at least pretend your recording a hit single? Why should I give one single shit about your fucking bank account when all you can be bothered to do is halfheartedly mumble in my ear.
I know it's a rap standard to brag about your monetary wealth at some point, but this song approaches this cliche from the perspective of merely opening an account to hold money. Jesus Christ, we have a fucking high roller here opening a fucking bank account. Peasants like me could only dream of opening an account with a bank. Even the fucking album is titled 'Issa Album'. Has this guy got any creative flair? Was he fucking challenged to make music as dull as humanly possible? Poorly naming stuff is not a way to stand out from the endless other generic trap rappers, and is certainly not the sort of commitment that makes me want to buy any of your overrated shit.
The production did at least have some effort put into it, although why they even bothered is beyond me. For some reason it has this constant effect of someone talking over the track. Normally this is very annoying in any song, but here it's particularly annoying considering it adds absolutely nothing to the song apart from a few mistimed grunts. The introduction in particular is most bizarre. I don't know who thought saying 'ow' a few hundred times was a good idea, but it adds absolutely fucking nothing. Maybe now I understand why 21 Savage sounds so miserable throughout the whole track. I would be if I had to perform this shit. In all honesty though you have to feel that even your mother could have done a better job here. It's a totally pointless record that doesn't even attempt to please the listener.
#9: Taylor Swift - Look What You Made Me Do
Apparently the old Taylor Swift is dead, at least if you believe a word of this song. Well thank fuck for that. However, what's replaced that broken record is a Taylor Swift entirely worse, yet still suffering from that repetitive shite that Taylor claims no longer exists. It's still always man trouble, and it's still always garbage pop music. What's the difference? Like her previous hit singles this is just a bodge job of contrasting elements that never really feel like they work together at all. At least older Swift singles would still feel explosive even if they were a pile of manure, but this new single really doesn't feel polished in any way. It manages to gain the unique trait of sounding completely ridiculous and not at all pleasant to listen too, whilst still feeling as generic as any old Taylor Swift pop anthem. That rapping can fuck right off as well. It's evident Swift has no talent as a rapper, so it's just pure arrogance to even bother trying. I like it when people try and expand their horizons for the benefit of myself, but here Taylor desperately needed to stick to her roots. What Swift is currently doing is passing an A level biology exam and suddenly thinking she's a neurosurgeon.
Poor rapping aside the pop elements to this song are still complete garbage. The hook is like an unpleasant premature ejaculation. The song actually builds itself up fairly decently, but then the orgasm itself is so fucking disappointing and out of place. It doesn't help that the orgasm samples the classic 'I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt', which has absolutely no place in a song that's meant to be deadly serious. You know you've fucked up when you start sampling arguably one of the worst songs of all time. The lyrics aren't any better. I suppose there meant to be a roasting of everyone who dares to mess with the untouchable Taylor Swift, but really they just sound like a whiny brat carelessly scribbling her meaningless thoughts in a teenage diary. It follows this pathetic logic that tries to shift the blame on Taylor's shitty actions away from herself. How narrow minded do you have to be to defend this disgusting attitude? This sort of behaviour might be acceptable at a high school, but Taylor Swift can just fuck off with this immature shit. This song was released as a persona from Taylor. She's trying to convince people she's a badass, but in reality it's a poor disguise that's merely on show to sell records. This isn't powerful, it's a pitiful cry of insecurity. It's same shit different day for Taylor, who once again proves she's a massive bitch.
#8: Imagine Dragons - Thunder
Holy fuck this is annoying. Actually annoying isn't the right word, it's more torturous if anything. I reckon after five listens you'll end up in a straight jacket at your nearest lunatic asylum. I've always hated Imagine Dragons, but this is a horrible surprise even by their standards. I don't know why they thought that pitch shifting the hook to unlistenable levels was a good idea, but it clearly fucking wasn't. Not only does the chorus sound fucking horrible, but it repeats itself about fifteen million times. It's completely detached from the verses as well, and doesn't at all fit into the song. To be honest this chorus wouldn't fit into any song, it's just pure cancer to listen to.
When you actually pick apart the core elements of this song it becomes evidently clear how little quality there is anywhere. It's a dull beat with a few irritating sound effects over the top, and the only lyrical inspiration you do get is just bland and forgettable. Where's the power associated with this thunder? You could be forgiven for thinking that this song was actually written about some light drizzle.
I just haven't got a clue what the fuck this was supposed to be. It's a complete mess that ends up feeling like a club remix gone horribly wrong. It's a mashing together of synth pop and garbage rock, with none of those genres fairing any better than the other. If you can dance like those fucking idiots in the video whilst listening to this then you need serious therapy. Billboard, who must be fucking deaf, listed this as one of their top 100 songs for 2017. I can think of 100 shits I had in 2017 that sounded better than this pile of manure. And trust me, more effort is put into my routine shits than this abomination.
#7: Cardi B - Bodak Yellow
You know the music of a particular year has been rubbish when complete shit like this is frequently ranked in various 'best song' lists. How the fuck can you classify this in any 'best of' list? Maybe on a list detailing the best reasons not to buy a radio, as this is just offensively bad to sit through. Cardi B sounds fucking awful. I don't know if she was permanently drunk during recording or she's just tone deaf, because the rapping is fucking atrocious. It doesn't sound in any way normal or natural, yet according to critics the flow is perfectly fine. It isn't, it sounds like shit. It's like the stripper version of Mike Tyson decided to release a crappy novelty single.
I still can't overlook the idea that this was determined by critics to be the fucking song of the year. When you hear that primitive beat and diabolical flow something must surely click in your head that maybe there might be better stuff out there. Surely there was a ton of stuff that felt even a little bit special this year. This isn't special at all, and in fact it's generic as fuck. You may be wondering if the lyrics are the pulling power this single has amassed, so let's have a quick sample of the sort of artistry that goes into this song of the year candidate:
I might just feel on your babe, my pussy feel like a lake
He wanna swim with his face, I'm like, "Okay"
I'll let him get what he want, he buy me Yves Saint Laurent
Lovely. What a charming young lady you appear to be. How the fuck has humanity gone from celebrating the profound works of Wordsworth to a woman badly explaining what she does with her vagina in the most vulgar way possible. To me the lyrics make it clear this bitch is so insecure, and it's painful listening to her pathetic attempts to try and convince other people that she's in some way special. What's the point? I don't give a fuck about your life, so get your head out from your own ass and practice some humility for once. Better yet, fuck off back to stripping. It's clear your tits are the only positive thing about you, so the only thing I want you releasing is sperm from men's testicles. And as for music journalists, well what the fuck is wrong with you?
#6: Noah Cyrus - Stay Together
This annoying fetus is Noah Cyrus. And for those who are wondering, she is indeed the sister of Miley, because apparently we need a whole family of Cyruses in the charts. Noah presumably didn't inherit the attractive genes of the Cyrus family, as she looks like a squashed potato. I also have no fucking clue why this woman is named after a beardy biblical character, but we soon get more evidence that father Billy Ray Cyrus might not be the sharpest tool in the shed when we examine the behaviour of his mutant sperm. When you first listen to the song it really begs the question of whether another famous Cyrus is a good thing for the music industry. Noah can't sing that well, her voice is stupidly squeaky to the point where it's not nice to listen to, and her only claim to fame is that she's a relative of someone who actually made it. Not a particularly good combination, and I mercifully suspect we won't see much more from this one hit wonder, although it's bit unfair to call her that when she hasn't had a hit yet.
As for the song itself, well it's fucking garish. This is a seventeen year old girl performing, so what the fuck does she know about activities such as ordering another round? Even here in the UK that would be completely illegal, yet some knobhead in the music industry thought this was appropriate material for an adolescent. Noah herself claims she doesn't give a fuck, but she's just trying to play the role of a hard kid without any real sincerity to pull off anything convincing. She even has the audacity to criticise the DJ for playing boring shit. I suppose they must have been playing this awful song on a loop.
Even if we do forgive the stupid lyrics, which I won't, then the actual song itself is just really dull. It plods along without any rhythm or flow, feeling like a complete chore to get through a single verse. Even when you're not cringing at this fake angst you're still left with a challenging listen that portrays Noah Cyrus as some hateful villain. Billy Ray Cyrus must be the worst fucking parent in history. Just discipline your fucking kids and then this sort of shit that your family just loves to pull off wont keep plaguing humanity.
#5: Fall Out Boy - Young and Menace
What the fuck has happened to Fall Out Boy? They can't even use correct English to name this retched thing. 'Menace' is not a descriptive word, and is either a noun or a verb. The correct title should be 'Young and Menacing', as the title is providing a description. It's not edgy using incorrect grammar, although in all honesty the poor grammar is the least of this song's problems. I just don't know what Fall Out Boy were thinking when they released this piss poor song. Can they actually hear any sounds? I once thought so, but this song misses the mark by a country mile. The song doesn't flow, it doesn't sound good, and the pacing is all over the fucking shop. It's still quite mainstream as well, so there's no argument that it's avant-garde or revolutionary, just really fucking annoying. And as for the fucking vocals; worst performance of the fucking year here. Fall Out Boy are dreary during the verses, carrying absolutely no weight or presence, and then suddenly we get this hideous pitch shift that's arguably more infuriating than that fucking Imagine Dragons shit from earlier. That ear splitting shrill has to be one of the worst noises of 2017, and that is a fierce competition. The two contrasting parts of the song evidently do not match in any way, and the result is a cocktail made of shit.
I'm sorry to make this point again, but just what the fuck is that chorus? Is that a shit DJ having a stroke? It's all very well trying to make a serious rock song, and failing miserably may I add, but to then force in the worst of electronic music is another thing in itself. Why electronic though? It's clear these two genres just don't mix in the way you think they do, so why be so arrogant and force them into an unhappy relationship? This isn't profound artistry, and only morons are going to take this shit seriously.
To try and add some weight to the lackluster lyrics Fall Out Boy decided to shoehorn themes of domestic violence into the music video, which clearly isn't a theme expressed anywhere in the song. I suppose this was the lead single off their new album, so those up top must have realised the grade-A shit they were dealing with and tried to make it in some way meaningful, but that evidently failed. What this song poorly describes is the perils of being an outsider, and funnily enough if you make bizarre music like this then you'll be that sort of person for the rest of your life. Young and Menace certainly isn't sophisticated punk, rather shit pop at its very worst.
#4 Iggy Azalea - Mo Bounce
Do I really have to point out what's wrong with this abomination? It's a pointlessly repetitive shitshow about a woman's ass for fuck sake. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry if it was a descriptive ode to an admittedly rather nice rear end, but the only feature Iggy can come up with is that her ass bounces. Great observation skills you fucking moron. I seem to remember a few years ago Iggy broke into the pop business by claiming she was so fancy. That may seem like a long time ago, but it took just three years for Iggy Azalea to turn from a not very credible rapper into a full blown whore. She still manages to grace us with her ever present shit rapping, but unfortunately there's not much new stuff to make me think she's anything other than a talentless slut.
The lyrics are just a class above in this beautiful ballad. I'm not going to call this song repetitive, heaven forfend, but may I just draw your attention to the small issue that the word bounce is said 133 times in a three minute song. Un-fucking-believable. She could have said anything else to eat up time, but she's too fucking stupid to describe her ass in more detail. I wouldn't have thought bragging about your looks would be a difficult task for an apparent rapper, but Iggy ignores this simple task in favour of endless repetition.
The only solitude you have away from the offensively bad lyrics is being bombarded with this headsplitting 'wub-wub' bass line in the background that's enough to make me self harm. To be fair that bass is the only form of life in the whole song, but who honestly gives a fuck when it sounds that awful? I would also like to know why the music video is full of small children, despite this being a song about asses. Is that even legal? You're essentially hiring young girls to prostitute themselves in front of a camera. What a fancy woman you really are Iggy. Let's just say this song didn't perform well at all, barely charting in fact, so maybe there is a glimmer of hope for humanity after all.
#3: Lil Pump - Gucci Gang
You remember those awful trap rap songs that have filled the charts this year? Yeah, they sound like fucking symphonies compared to this shit. I hate that I even have to review this worthless piece of shit, but what's arguably even more worrying is that somehow there is two songs that are lower in quality. Gucci Gang is fucking annoying to be plain and simple. The irritating repetition of the titular phrase is enough to make you kill yourself, with each one of the 53 times it's mentioned becoming increasingly unbearable. The term 'Gucci Gang' actually comprises around 15% of the whole two minute song, so no bonus points for creativity here mate. Unfortunately endless repetition does not constitute good songwriting, it's just damn lazy.
I honestly have no fucking idea what any of the lyrics are. Lil Pump sounds like he's midway through a stroke when he recorded this. You can vaguely pick out some despicable rap cliches every once in a while, so I take it the rest isn't a beautifully written ballad. Thanks to the power of the internet I can provide some poor English that apparently passes as published lyrics, and let's just say they leave a lot to be desired:
My lean cost more than your rent, ooh (it do)
Your momma still live in a tent, yuh (brr)
Still slangin' dope in the 'jects, huh? (yeah)
Me and my grandma take meds, ooh (huh?)
None of this shit be new to me (nope)
Fuckin' my teacher, call it 'tutory (yuh)
Bought some red bottoms, cost hella Gs (huh?)
Fuck your airline, fuck your company (fuck it!)
By anyone's standards this is terrible bragging. If Sprite and cough medicine is costing more than my rent, which may I add is costed for one of the most affluent cities in Britain, then you're getting swindled mate. Being ripped off is not something to brag about. My mum doesn't live in a tent, and that's quite a strange schoolboy insult, and quite rich coming from a man who confesses he does drugs with his grandma. I wasn't aware being a hood gangster included hanging out with your Nan, or fucking your teacher for that matter, as in my personal experience teachers aren't exactly renowned for being models. You obviously didn't pay attention to this said teacher as 'tutory' isn't even a word. Maybe it's short for statutory rape, and being raped by your teacher is certainly not something to brag about. But yeah, you go ahead with that story whilst telling my airline to go fuck themselves, which again is a fucking bizarre insult. If this song tells us anything it's that Lil Pump may not have a grip on reality.
There's a real grey area of what constitutes a rapper nowadays. At one time this sect of society were viewed as important artisans, but now we have some bellend going viral with a crap song that displays a clear lack of any talent. It's certainly not original, it's just more mindless trap music that's been flogged to death. Why the hell did we as a human race allow this to become popular? Surely we have a moral duty to reject this fucking idiot from becoming successful. Lil Pump himself looks like jail bait. He doesn't look like a gangster though, but the guy you read in the news who was jailed for nobbing animals, or setting an old people's home on fire. Lil Pump is not exactly a great name either. It sounds like the nickname you would give a low rent porn star. To be honest I just think he's a fucking twat who released a completely pointless song.
#2: Katy Perry - Swish Swish
Katy Perry has had a pretty woeful year. She's tried to evolve her sound away from her pop roots, but the results are anything but an improvement. Bon Appetite was another great example of the sort of shit she's been putting out recently, but Swish Swish for me is a whole new level of bad for Katy to reach. I believe this is a song meant to be about empowerment, or that's at least the story Katy is sticking with. It's isn't, it's just a catty outburst that's trying to bait people into a reaction. Pathetic, quite frankly. Katy herself said this is a song about escaping pointless negativity. Funny then how she decided the arduous task of recording a viral song that resembles a veiled threat was the best strategy of escaping this pointless negativity. In my funny little world I would have assumed making a song like this just adds more fuel to the fire. You could have at least had the decency to write a good diss track, but instead we get lines like this:
A tiger
Don't lose no sleep
Don't need opinions
From a shellfish or a sheep
You must understand that as a zoology student this is possibly the most infuriating paragraph I've ever read. Even metaphorically this songwriting is pure shit. In my years of study I've never been made aware that tigers are renowned for losing sleep over opinions, and I don't have a fucking clue what shellfish have got to do with this analogy. These two groups of animals operate in entirely different fundamental niches and are renowned for not holding immature opinions over each other.
The production of the song is no better. There's this really irritating voice-over accompanied by an EDM beat that compliments the central piano about as well as a pound of bacon in Saudi Arabia. In fact there seems to be this cruel competition of adding the most annoying sound effect possible to cram into this song. None of it works in general, yet alone when you add all this garbage together, so the result is a song that flows about as well as Iggy Azalea's rapping. The chorus in particular is completely unspectacular, and like the rest of the song fucking irritating. It hits like a clubbing blow, knocking out any life that the song tried to artificially stimulate. You've got no hope of making a dance track with a hook that dry. Then Nicki Minaj comes along to make me instantly hate this song more than I already did; and that's some achievement. Predictably she adds nothing apart from another irritating noise to add to the growing list. The music video is painful to sit through as well, so the less said about that the better. In fact the less said about this song the better. Even merely discussing its flaws is bringing on a migraine.
#1: Rae Sremmurd - Swang
What would a worst songs list be without these fuckers? They've appeared in every single one my lists, filling the number one and number two slots two separate times apiece. This year they've decided to voice their appreciation of 'swanging'. You may be wondering what 'swanging' actually entails, and so am I, as you can't actually understand any of the lyrics even when written down. Never before have I read such mindless drivel. Surely if you're introducing a term that's unfamiliar then the song should be descriptive of this phenomenon. Swang isn't, and it somehow manages to end up confusing me more than when I didn't even know the word existed. The hallmark of shit songwriting here.
If the mindless lyrics aren't enough justification as to why this is the biggest pile of shit released in 2017 then the infuriating vocal performance certainly should be. I don't know who thought the vocals should sound like a five year old girl being strangled, but fuck me is that the most irritating sound of the year. I think I've declared the most irritating sound of the year a number of times on this list, but this noise really is the most rage inducing, and in fact I think I've developed a phobia of it. Just why would you want to make that noise? Just because you can produce an unbearable scream doesn't mean you should. Turn that fucking shit off. If you're the sort of person that makes that kind of noise why the fuck are you in the music business? The verses are also really badly performed, with as much power and presence as that five year old girl they're so keen to impersonate every minute. That's not the only problem with the production. The beat is appalling, there's irritating horns all over the place for whatever reason, and the music video is fucking moronic.
You may be asking why this manages to top the pile of shit released in 2017. Well, the reason I picked this as the worst song was in part due to the vocals and lyrics, but mainly due to a much bigger sin. The biggest problem with this hit is just how dull it is. Fuck me is this boring. At least the majority of songs on this list have some character. It might not be good character, but Swang is the musical equivalent of wet cardboard. It's so dull and generic that writing a few paragraphs on it is making me drowsy. Why the fuck should I put effort into reviewing this shit when the artists couldn't even be assed themselves? Fucking shambolic.
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