Just getting the holiday snaps out the way. To be fair that is a fucking brilliant view.
We'll begin by including possibly the only fact in this whole piece. Ecuador literally means 'equator' in Spanish, so easily I equate equators to equidistant equatorial environments. I was in for a surprise, as in fact Ecuador has one of the most bizarre climates I've come across. As a man from Britain I'm used to miserable weather every day of the year, so I wasn't prepared for the weather to vary from boiling to freezing within the course of a single day. Planning a day out anywhere in Ecuador requires a whole fucking wardrobe to be considered. I'm not sure the locals can be bothered with the random weather changes, and so you get an odd mix of citizens with thick jumpers on coexisting with those still in flimsy T-shirts. I on the other hand ended up completely sunburnt and drenched every single day, and most of the time gave up with the wardrobe changes and instead darted into any shop that would allow me to fill up on my new addiction to homemade fruit juice.
Speaking of fruit juice, I feel this is the right moment to complement the locals on their ability to make a glass of fruit juice. Seriously, they're fucking great, and only cost about 0.1 cent for a full glass. The rest of Ecuadorian cuisine is hit and miss, and that's coming from someone who has lived on British cuisine all his life. In Ecuador you can easily find some manly meat and potatoes for next to nothing in a back street cafe, or even meat and potatoes on a stick from a food vendor for not much more. Pretty much everything has meat and potatoes in it, which gets no complaints from me, especially considering the price. In restaurants I saw whole chickens for sale that were less expensive than a basic meal at McDonald's, yet alone a cheeky Nando's back home. I don't want to even think about where that chicken was slaughtered, but I didn't get the shits, so it probably doesn't violate that many human rights. I will admit I stuck well clear of the national delicacy. That's known as cuy, which is roasted guinea pig. I saw some classic roasting spots, and was even recommended it by a native, but was slightly put off by the appearance. They could have at least made the dish look presentable instead of simply shoving a skewer up the ass of a guinea pig and whacking it in the oven. Maybe I would have had a bite after a few beers, but Ecuadorian beer is unremarkable in every aspect. You have the choice of a few generic lagers with the most generic names possible. The only way to get drunk is through the ridiculously cheap rum, but even that wasn't enough for me to bite the head off a skewered rodent.
I can only imagine the four letter words Gordon Ramsay would use to describe that mess.
Another radical difference from back home was transportation. Transit around Ecuador was surprisingly fine and reliable, and to my shock it was the labyrinth that is Madrid Airport that pissed me off the most. Airports just stress me out in general, but customs were surprisingly fine upon entering the country despite me looking dodgy as fuck, and about as out of place as a talking bear. Taxis are almost a necessity for any travelers, so it's a good job they're also dirt cheap and driven by cheerful blokes. However it must be said that any person traveling on the Ecuadorian road system should take out a life insurance policy. I complain about drivers back in Britain that don't indicate to fellow drivers, but at least motorists in Britain follow basic traffic laws. In Ecuador it's a free for all, with drivers overtaking out of lane, or around corners on dual carriageways, and darting down hilly country lanes in the middle of the night, only narrowly avoiding the poorly lit lorry also hurtling down the mountain at similar breakneck speeds. It also seems to be law to honk your horn every two seconds, even for the slightest annoyance, which works well in a country where everyone drives like a lunatic. This also makes crossing the road a marathon task. My preferred strategy was to follow locals as they slowly ambled across huge avenues without a care in the world.
The only other traffic law I could possibly deduce is that any vehicle must be hellbent on destroying the ozone layer. The traffic fumes in central Quito are absolutely appalling, and I'm honestly surprised I didn't catch consumption during just a few days stay. I'm particularly aiming this observation at the buses, which actually resembled recreations of the Hillsborough disaster rather than an efficient transport system. In all honesty the combination of fumes and altitude can fuck right off. Never in my life have I gotten so out of breath from walking up a mild incline. There's not just mild inclines to navigate either, as I visited the Andean highlands, so there are a lot of hills that go beyond just being mild inclines. Nobody should be building cities at that elevation on that rough terrain, it's just poor planning. That's probably not the worst crime the Spanish committed in the New World, but it's damn close.
That hill can fuck off. That traffic can fuck off. Those drivers can fuck off. It's a major miracle I wasn't scraped off the pavement after being shunted by an impatient local.
Quito was a strange capital city. It's a mishmash of different cultures that don't seem to fit together. It's not an inherently bizarre place, but it's one where you can't quite put your finger on what feels so strange. It's a city where an undesirable area can be located next to a shiny government building, a colonial monument from the past, and a branch of a Western fast food chain. I admittedly didn't get a chance to visit the outskirts of the city, but then those areas are notoriously hostile towards clueless tourists such as myself. I was repeatedly told by locals whilst getting outrageously drunk that you've got to watch your back during the evenings, and I'm sure that's true if you take a wrong turn, but the central touristy area seemed perfectly normal. There was only the one druggie screaming his head off whilst being boarded into an ambulance that left a stain on the area. Well, that and the constant playing of 'Despacito' from the convoy of party buses that passed through town every fucking evening. I have nothing against the song, but nobody needs to be blaring it out at max volume every two seconds.
As far as tourist attractions go there's not a whole variety on offer, but that doesn't mean there isn't any. There's some nice views from the top of hills, and a ton of colonial buildings to look at. The churches are also nice to look around, and there's not exactly a shortage of attractive ones either. There's also a monument to the equator nearby, although not only is this attraction extremely underwhelming, but it's also not even on the bloody equator. Thankfully the majority of hotspots in Quito are not ruined by the presence of tourists, although as with anywhere you'll always find a group of loud American tourists that will happily ruin the relaxed atmosphere for you. A personal highlight for me was the city centre market, in which every stall seemed to sell exactly the same thing, which actually worked in my favour considering I pissed off almost every vendor with my abrasive haggling technique. I probably wouldn't be the best candidate on 'The Apprentice' considering I could barely bargain for bags of cocaine or pens that depicted couples having sex. Both the markets and the historical monuments are fantastically interesting places to visit, and although I wouldn't rank Quito as one of the greatest tourist areas on the planet, it's still an exciting place to visit for any traveler.
Here's a perfect snapshot of Quito. Churches surrounded by dodgy areas.
The real draw of Ecuador is its natural beauty. I'm not aware of a single nation on Earth that can boast such a broad diversity in its natural landscapes, but then not many nations on Earth have nature written into the constitution. The diverse landscapes lead to an extraordinary abundance of life, and really Ecuador is best for nature lovers such as myself. You don't even need a trip to the famed Galapagos Islands to appreciate just how diverse the ecosystems in this country are, and just a quick trip outside any urban area will have you gasping in awe at the beautiful landscapes. Whether you want to go bear hunting in the cloud forests or be irritated by millions of animals that can easily kill you in the lowland forests, there is an endless scope of possibilities for anyone who loves wildlife. Sure, the majority of wildlife you'll see is there to make your life as miserable as possible, and a quick trip into a rainforest will have you inundated with scorpions, velvet ants, those vicious parasitic wasps, or even the hordes of moths and rhinoceros beetles that decide to attack you every evening. Nothing however is quite as feared as the chiggers. You can forget spectacled bears and pumas because these minuscule bastards will put you in the hospital in no time. You wouldn't imagine a tiny red arachnid will have you rushing into the shower after merely walking through long grass, but these assholes put the fear of god into you. Not every species of animal in Ecuador is a dick, in fact many are as harmless as the countless different species of plant, or even the beautiful orchids that seem to grow everywhere. Hummingbirds were my personal favorites to watch, and aren't particularly difficult to locate. Even if you don't spot one you'll probably hear what sounds like a strafing run from a World War 2 bomber about two inches from your head. That would be a hummingbird, and it scared the shit out of me the first time I heard one. As with anything in Ecuador you can only revel in nature for half the day, as the other half will be spent waiting for the rain to stop pouring down. You don't even need to be outside to know when it's raining because the sound of a billion frog calls will fill the air. Even if you don't mind the pouring rain, and I mean pouring rain, you still might fall victim to the odd earthquake. This is quite a shock considering the only dangers in Britain are from strong gales and the possibility of getting diseases from some harmless animals. I didn't even go during the wet season and still got completely soaked almost every fucking day, and having some highly venomous insect on my fucking doorstep. I'm not actually sure that's a complaint, as although I moan I thought the whole rainforest experience was fucking fantastic. It is a place I recommend every person to visit in their lifetime. It may well be a complete asshole of a place to live with every living thing making your life hell on Earth, but for brief periods of time it's one of the most beautiful places you could ever visit. I loved every second of it like the sadomasochist I am, and would happily catch dengue fever for another experience.
The rainforest may be pleasant during the day, but when night descends you have these huge bastards flying at you. Oh, and for an added bonus beetles are shit at flying and have powerful jaws that can easily pierce through skin.
To summarise Ecuador is a beautiful and intriguing country that I recommend any traveler gives a visit. And no, I do not own shares in an Ecuadorian travel agent, and I'm not just saying this to gloat about my holiday. Quito, although not the nicest place in the world, was rich in culture and liveliness, and the natural landscape is unrivaled anywhere else on the planet. Would I like to live there? No, not in a million years, but I would travel there again in a heartbeat. I'd also like to show my appreciation for the people of Ecuador who were polite and cheerful towards this particular moronic tourist who could barely speak a word of Spanish. I can only apologise for the amount of times I butchered your language. I was told that Ecuadorian Spanish is easy to understand, but I must be deaf, as I couldn't understand any of it. Cheers anyway Ecuadorians, you have one beautiful country.
Final score: 8/10
No comments:
Post a Comment