#10 Hollyoaks (1995-) (4010 Episodes)
The show that has become synonymous with bad acting, and rightly so. I don't think I've ever enjoyed watching any soap opera, but I like to think this as more of a travesty, somehow managing to be even worse than any of the others. It's a bit like watching what would happen if society broke down and we ended up with neighborhoods made up almost solely of 16-30 year olds, which I can tell you as a person of that age is not a good thing. You might also think that because I'm old enough I can easily relate to the 'realistic' situations that plague the serious premise of this soap, but when the script and acting is so laughably bad it makes it quite difficult to give a single shit. That isn't helped by the cast of over fifty, which is just a ridiculous number even when compared to large budget dramas. It's not as if they're different either, it's just fifty different versions of the same generic teen.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe it does reflect the grim reality of life. Admittedly it does that very poorly, but at least it pushes forward some serious topics unlike other teen shows such as 'Skins'. But given the choice I would prefer the later show. They are both terrible depictions of modern life but 'Skins' actually puts me in a good mood and is sometimes worth watching, even if it is a little cringeworthy. If I wanted to see the grim reality of life for myself I would watch a polished production such as the news, and not some low budget actors who can't go on dates with each other as somebody's on their period; and yes that genuinely is a plot point taken from the show. It does become quite hard to talk about serious issues when you on at a pre-watershed time slot, but at least give it a good attempt and not just water down the dialogue to an almost mind numbing level. A popular joke is that the cameraman they hire is anthrophobic and refuses to be in the same room as the cast. That sort of sums up the jumbled mess that this programme is, and although it begs you to take it seriously you just can't, at least not when it's as badly produced as this.
#9 Naked Jungle (2000) (1 Series)
I'm sorry if you were eating. But spare a thought for those that were during the original transmission; the nudity wasn't even censored out. It seems that the Y2K bug did have an effect on the Channel 5 studios as surely no human could ever come up with something this ludicrous. The idea was that to celebrate 50 years of British naturism, and yes that does apparently need celebrating, Channel 5 decided to play 'Jungle Run' with nudists and Keith Chegwin. Now Cheggers is a pretty awesome guy, but not a nice sight when he's in the nude. Naturally the attractive contestants were eliminated first, and that left viewers with a great shot of Chegwin's pathetic specimen.
I couldn't put it any lower because it actually worked. In the words of Eric Bischoff "controversy equals cash", and that certainly worked here. 20% of the total share sat through this programme; that's four times higher than anything else Channel 5 had broadcast at that time. That wasn't helped by the fact that many households couldn't get a clear reception, but the result was that this sham actually worked. Of course the Daily Mail wouldn't stop banging on about it, but then the sight of an ankle gets their reader all wound up about the terrible state of the country allowing that indecency when in fact just a quick look at their website will show you the very definition of indecency. As a broadcaster Channel 5 kept to the law and so in my eyes the format was fine, it was just the content that was shockingly bad.
#8 Big Brother (2000-) (15 Series)
How can something so bad come out of such a brilliant George Orwell novel? He must be turning in his grave watching as one of his most serious and striking points is turned into a horrific reality show. I just want to understand why people actually enjoy watching other people live in a confined space. To me that is in no way amusing, and no matter how they repackage it to me it will always be a completely pointless and trashy programme that gives otherwise idiots the chance at becoming famous. It's got to stage where it's almost an ambition to become a waste of blood and organs with the brain capacity of a mushroom, like so many of the contestants are. There's a good chance that if a celebrity is completely pointless, like Jade Goodie, then they've probably originated from this hell hole.
Anyone who says this show is meritable in any way can fuck off. I honestly don't care that it's a revolutionary concept, as let's face it the holocaust was a revolutionary concept in the history of genocide, but under no circumstances is that a good thing, especially when 'Big Brother' decides to be revolutionary for fifteen series and doesn't change a fucking thing. Why would you watch other people living in real life situations when you can do that yourself? I must be missing something but I don't understand why you can't just watch no name celebrities and idiots interacting at the pub on a Saturday night. For one there would be more entertainment there, you end up getting to drink beer socially, and you won't have to put up with Davina McCall. Seriously people, why does this show get so many viewers?
#7 Splash! (2013-2014) (2 Series)
Proof that adding an exclamation mark to something doesn't make it any more exciting, especially when that excitement comes from z-list celebrities diving quite badly into a pool of water. I get the point of it, and I can understand why ITV would want to capitalise on the success of the Olympics, but there must have been better ways to do it than clog up your entertainment schedule with one massively long winded bore. It's just so fucking boring. The whole show is centered around a single dive which ends up taking two seconds. The rest is just endless filler and the occasional shot of Tom Daley prancing around like he's forgotten his PE kit. I might also be able to take it seriously if it was judged by professionals, but when one of the judges is rather large comedian Jo Brand, who knows fuck all about diving, then you start to think that this isn't really about the diving. If that isn't the purpose then god knows what it is. Torture would be my guess. All I do know is that thankfully the show has now been axed, and at least for the time being there isn't any other shitty talent shows for me to moan about, and let's face it, I doubt they can get much worse than this.
#6 Britannia High (2008) (1 Series)
What happens when ITV decide to make a cheap knock off version of 'High School Musical'. It was never going to be any good, but my god it was so much worse than I even I could imagine. Somehow it manages to be even crapper than 'High School Musical', which to be fair is a pretty impressive feat. It was no surprise that it ended up being beaten in the ratings by the 'Antiques Roadshow' thanks to the terrible standard of acting and songs written by five year olds. I think Charlie Brooker would be the man to sum up the faults in his own way:
#5 Sweat The Small Stuff (2013-) (4 Series)
The show that takes the word 'comedy' out of a comedy panel show. This really is the comedy equivalent of AIDS, and I'm amazed that people not only tolerate the thing but watch it as well. I just don't understand how they can put up with irritating little weasel Nick Grimshaw, who for some reason is the host. I'm perfectly happy for him to stay in the twat hive that is Radio 1, but I will not tolerate him infecting the television as well; he has the charisma of a rotting corpse and just talks and acts like a complete wanker. He isn't helped by his panelists either who consist of comedian Melvin O'Doom, who I haven't heard of either, and Rochelle Humes, who's famous for being in 'The Saturdays'. Hooray! What a band they were, for their two second lifespan anyway. I suppose you can at least laugh at the captains for being comically bad celebrities but unfortunately not their completely average personalities.
I don't really give a fuck about anything else. This show could eradicate poverty for all I care and I still wouldn't take any interest in it. The only sweat I'm interested in is the team of the year Ronaldo on FIFA, and so to find that the term has been hijacked by some terrible excuse of a panel show is something that angers me greatly. The BBC already has a show that allows actual celebrities to highlight their annoyances, and that is 'Room 101', so I really don't get the purpose of this show. It doesn't have a personality like Frank Skinner or Paul Merton to naturally allow the comedy to flow, and so it only ends up looking like a poorly produced fake. Its hip and trendy style just infuriate me, and it ends up as a proving ground for stupid guests and their huge, shitty egos.
#4 Love Island (2005-2006) (2 Series)
My favorite fact about this show is that the producers had to drop the word 'celebrity' from the title after the first series as the contestants were so unrecognisable. I think that's a bit harsh considering there were some pretty huge celebrities headlining the first series. I mean there was an owner of a random nightclub, and even the legendary name of David Beckham's former PA. It's not really surprising to think that watching these ordinary people try to find love in Fiji wasn't going to work. Not that that was the worst thing about it, no the worst thing was that you had to face the concept of Patrick Kielty and Fearne Cotton as the presenters. That's just being cruel, only ITV could devise an evil scheme where two of the worst human beings in the world get to host a show together. If the insufferable and pathetic excuse for an organism Patrick Kielty doesn't get on your nerves then I'm sure Fearne will, who just has to plaster her face onto everything.
All it had to accomplish was to beat 'Big Brother', and it still failed at that. Amazingly even less happens in this than on its incredibly dull rival, and ITV actually managed to make real life seem dull and boring from a fucking desert island. If this was on a council estate in Birmingham it would have been exactly the same, and I still can't find a reason to give one single shit about any of it. The show would have seriously been better with random people off the street, and so it was no surprise that this pointless series was a complete disaster.
#3 Downton Abbey (2010-) (5 Series)
Oh come on, the critics may love it, but when you peel away a few layers you can easily see that this is a terrible drama series. It doesn't matter if you're in the UK or the USA, everyone can't get enough of it, which is a shame as it means British television has to conform to stereotypes to get views. What happened to classic British shows like 'Dr. No' and 'A Clockwork Orange'? Why can't we make great art like that instead of pandering to the lowest common denominator. That technique becomes especially annoying when you have a drama that's trying to be all sophisticated and flashy, but ends up feeling empty and pretentious. If it does that on purpose then that's a terrible move from the producers and they should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know if the draw is something to do with people seeing this upper class lifestyle as a novelty or an ambition, but it's still inexcusable to love a programme that's written as badly as this one.
All it needed was some care and some intelligent plot points, but no, it's just endless dramatic irony and 'relatable' happenings. Somehow this one family gets hit by every single fucking event in the 20th century, whether that be the sinking of the Titanic, the First World War, or even the Spanish Flu epidemic. Is that meant to be believable? My family isn't effected by the Ebola virus, the invasion of Iraq and the 9/11 terrorist attacks, so why the hell is this cliche tortured to the extreme? Of course the Americans just love it and have showered the show with fifteen million Golden Globes because they think culture is a novelty thing to have. I just wish they would watch quality British shows and not just rip them off and dilute them for morons to watch. I guess they would like this though as it's quite similar to the Superbowl in the fact that it goes on for fucking hours, everyone seems to love it, and it's really fucking dull.
#2 Geordie Shore (2011-) (9 Series)
I just had to include one of these bullshit stereotype reality shows on this list, and this is by far the worst. Not that the others are much better, and whether it's 'TOWIE' or 'Made in Chelsea' they still contain some of the biggest pricks you're ever likely to see on television. This group of wankers are the worst however, with their stupid personalities and irritating voices that just make you doubt the sanity of MTV. I don't know what happened to MTV, but in my funny little world I though they were a channel dedicated to music. Not only do they want to kill off quality music, but they now want to kill off quality television as well with the help of these bumholes that you just want to punch in the face. The fact that I'm supposed to care about their shitty lives in a shitty corner of Britain is insulting, and I hope that Charles Darwin is turning over in his grave as he sees his theory of natural selection ruined by these deformed humanoids actually being successful, and trying to reproduce in some of the most disgusting ways possible.
I hope that I never have the displeasure of meeting them, although I could probably simulate the experience pretty accurately by talking to a bag of potatoes. The difference being that I don't want to stab the potatoes in the face, and the potatoes don't support the Chinese solution of aborting girls at birth. Why? What I have done to deserve this crap? Why does my television have to be full of moronic bellends who have to call their home my country as well? I guess this is now what fame is all about. It really is a shame that people have to aspire to be egotistical wankers in order to appear on a show like this, and the fact that it's celebrated as a legitimate art form is downright insulting to normal human beings. Thanks a bunch MTV! Instead of using the medium of television to portray some poignant material you have to shit over all our brains by broadcasting material that brings down the very existence of learning.
#1 Celebrity Juice (2008-) (12 Series)
There have been many good comedy characters over the years, namely Alan Partridge. But the worst of them all by an absolute mile is Keith Lemon. He may be the most annoying, unnecessary and stupid thing of all time, and that is shown by the quality of his shows. As a human being he probably falls just under Hitler due to the later having some good qualities. Lemon doesn't have any good qualities despite only having the single task of being a comedian, and so it seems amazing that he fails so miserably at it. Obviously if a show were to be commissioned around him then it would be horrific, but ITV in their infinite wisdom decided to anyway. Seriously though, Harold Shipman would have made a funnier host. You could have the greatest team captains of all time and it would still be terrible. As it turns out the captains aren't comedians either. There's the nice, but plain personality of Holly Willoughby, and surprisingly yet another appearance from Fearne Cotton, which comedian Simon Amstell would comment "Fearne Cotton was there, like she always fucking is."
What a surprise then that the guests are also complete shite. Other panel shows would get relevant and interesting guests, but not this one, this one draws massive bellends who just use the appearance to feed their massive and annoying egos. Can't say I blame them too much when the show doesn't even have a purpose. The older episodes seemed to be themed around current events from the perspective of a four year old, but now they even manage to fuck that up. Admittedly that format is like trying to discuss particle physics with the aid of a Katie Price book, but that doesn't excuse the show being incredibly irritating. Everyone just pisses me off, and I would rather see Lemon strangling a puppy on stage than spurt out another syllable of his utter shit. His stupid noises and endless shouting pass as comedy routines on a show with ridiculously low standards, and I don't think TV can possible get any worse. As an entertainment programme I would first recommend watching the execution of Saddam Hussein to get a gist of just how hilarious this show is.
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