Top 10 Worst Songs of 2016

2016 has been just an awful year in general, and that includes the happenings in the music scene too. For some reason every song released this year seemed to be designed just to annoy me, which made this list really hard to make. There is a lot of shit that didn't make the cut that would have been a dead cert in previous years, and just by looking at these dishonourable mentions it seems scarcely believable that there can be ten songs even worse. Use these dishonourable mentions as a trigger warning if you will; a trigger warning for shit music.

Selena Gomez - Hands to Myself: Fuck me is this dull. I honestly struggled to get through a single listen without planting my head firmly onto the keyboard.
Sia - Sweet Design: Thank fuck Sia didn't release whatever the hell this is as a single. This ugly concoction is fucking unbearable.
Zara Larson - Aint My Fault: I don't actually mind Zara Larson as an artist, but this song made me seriously reconsider my positives opinions of her.
Zayn - Pillowtalk: Sorry, I didn't like it one bit, but even I'll admit this is nowhere near deserving a spot on this list.
Florida Georgia Line - HOLY: Fuck off 'Florida Georgia Line'. Fuck off with your dumb acronyms, and fuck off with your faux country music. Johnny Cash is rolling in his grave.
Beyonce - Formation: A forced and unnecessary political message crammed into a song that has zero technical qualities funnily enough spells disaster.
Gnash - I Hate U I Love U: Terrible piano playing topped off with vocals that are somehow even worse. Nothing short of a miracle that this didn't make the list.

#10 Zay Hilifigerrr & Zayion McCall - Juju On That Beat

See what I mean about 2016 being the worst year for music I can ever recall. THIS is only number ten. Even though I honestly tried really hard to ignore shitty dance based music this year, I still had to include a track so awful that it makes the attempted viral dance craze 'Watch Me' look relatively sophisticated. Everything about this monstrosity is absolutely fucking terrible. Firstly the lyrics are absolutely pointless, but then I suppose that should be expected if all they do is try and force upon humanity one of the most uninventive dances ever imagined. Arguably even worse is the accompanying vocals, that are both irritating and sound like the 'artists' were out of breath and couldn't give a shit.

It's hard to actually pinpoint what these knobheads actually did to call themselves artists. The beat comes from a 'Crime Mob' hit of yesteryear, that wasn't even any good back in 2004, and not surprisingly sounds really outdated here. The lyrics just reference other dance moves that surprise, surprise, these idiots didn't even invent, and as a result are so simplistic when mixed together. I personally despise artists that lack any imagination, but these twats take it to the next level by not even displaying a shred of coherent thought. As far as I can work out the only thing they did invent is the word 'Juju', which is just a fucking stupid word that I'm already sick of hearing. Why should these bellends even have their name anywhere near this shit? However the person I blame most for the failures of this song is you. Well maybe not you personally, but all the people that decided to make this go viral by doing a stupid dance to boost their own egos. Those sorts of scum are the primary reason I'm having to talk about this shit and repeatedly listen to it, so thanks a fucking bunch. If 2016 did do one good thing it was deciding to cease operations for the video sharing site 'Vine', which is how this song spread like herpes. Hopefully that amazing decision will ensure that future generations won't have to suffer at the hands of cancerous songs like this, but I'd just like move on and forget this ever happened. Somehow.


#9 Fergie - M.I.L.F. $

If I seriously have to explain why this is a shit song then I've lost all faith in humanity. The only emotions you should be having when listening to this song are shock and horror, followed by a long spell of crushing despair at realising this sort of thing actually passes as music nowadays. Apparently this is more than just pure shit according to Fergie, whose decided this is actually a song about empowering female mums. How the fuck does it do that? Hey Fergie, you can't just shoehorn buzzwords into songs and expect people to buy into that message. This is low rent provocative trash at its absolute worst, and you're a despicable person for even trying to lie about the allegedly serious themes that underlay the whole song.

Fergie is 41. She's clearly having a mid life crisis, but instead of people condemning her now wayward actions like everyone does to middle aged Porsche drivers, people are actually buying this shit. THIS SONG CHARTED. Did nobody involved ever pluck up the courage to tell Fergie to just fuck off and stop trying to be the next controversial ageing star, like say Madonna, who thankfully finally looks to have packed up for good. I can only imagine the production crew were bound and gagged when Fergie listed her ridiculous demands to overproduce this shit to hell and not in any way ruin her career for good. You get the sense that any fucking noise ever recorded has somehow managed to find a way into this song, which I can only assume is a tactic from the production team to distract us all from the horror that is the actual song itself. In the end the overproduction just wasn't enough to drown out this shit, with both the lyrics and beat appearing like genital warts on display to everyone. This song has however produced some fantastic memes, which is another good feature of 2016, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining.


#8 Iggy Azalea - Team

Ugh, Iggy Azalea just won't fade into obscurity peacefully. Instead her inevitable demise is fronted by the sounds of a horrendous beat and Iggy's equally horrendous voice that's become all too familiar in her music. This time however she's managed to outdo her own shitness by creating the worst combination of noises in recorded history. I don't mind the synth that much, and I actually want to praise the production team for trying to cover up Azalea's voice, because as you can see when left to its own devices it sends this song into a head on car crash. Let's just say I would love to have seen some bass or technical prowess dominating this song, rather than Iggy making this a painful listen. All this ego building crap builds up to one hell of a generic chorus, and in a song that's trying to instigate a comeback that's not a good thing. It almost sounds like Iggy has had to resort to imitating the rap scene every step of the way just to appear relevant, only succeeding in making a cheap knock off version.

I'm sorry I just can't put up with that artificial and ghastly voice that sticks out like a sore thumb. It's just intolerable. As a musician Iggy's gimmick, apart from being a massive slut, is that she can't rap without putting on a faux accent, and in this song these common themes are more prevalent than ever. She even goes for the Jamaican accent in this one, which is possibly the worst impression of all time, still managing to sound worse than her already superimposed accent. I get it Iggy, this song is you telling everyone you can do things all by yourself, apart from this song however, which took another FIVE people to write; definitely proving your point here. Let's see how well your team did here:

(Hell nah) Keep on pushing like a dealer (say what?)
(Hell nah) Keep on shooting, Reggie Miller (say what?)
(Hell nah) Go and give 'em all the finger
You gotta set the score right, call it Hans Zimmer

Five extra people to help you write a song and they can't even comprehend that 'dealer' doesn't rhyme with 'Miller', and 'finger' isn't anywhere close to rhyming with 'Zimmer'. Maybe try working better with your team instead of being a narcissistic asshat and producing shit like this. The thing is that critics fell for this song. This song got positive reviews. How? I know pop critics are paid to praise music instead of actually reviewing it, but come on. If there was ever a time to make a fucking exception this is it.

#7 Shawn Mendes - Treat You Better

I've never actually got the chance yet to say that Shawn Mendes is just shit. I hate his attitude, I hate his whiny voice, and I definitely fucking hate the music he decides to release. Mendes takes the cliched 'teen white pop singer' gimmick to the next level by falsely coming across like he's more sophisticated than his competition by bringing in such profound elements as the occasional acoustic guitar riff. The acoustic guitar in this song however soon gets drowned out by a flat out terrible beat. Shawn Mendes also sounds annoying as ever. I don't know who thought that chorus sounded good, but they clearly don't have the ability of hearing. The rest of the song isn't any better, essentially just generic crap that houses as much passion as The Pope's bedroom. That's the same with all Shawn Mendes songs really, but this one took that whole 'plain' feeling to the next level.

I wouldn't usually give a shit about the work of someone as meaningless as Shawn Mendes, but the thing that really pisses me off with this one is that Mendes thought that a domestic violence theme would partner this song perfectly. I'm not sure any cheesy, generic pop deserves a domestic violence theme, especially a Shawn Mendes number. But it wasn't enough for Mendes to force a serious theme into this song to sell a few more copies, because Mendes likes to make songs that revolve around him. Let's see how carefully and respectfully Mendes treats this very serious topic:

Tell me why are we wasting time

On all your wasted crying

When you should be with me instead

You fucking asshole. This is a domestic violence victim, but instead of caring about her welfare you start criticising her because she doesn't want to fuck you. You know what Mendes, maybe this girl doesn't want to go from an abusive relationship to being sexually harassed by you. Ever thought about that you selfish prick? What a top gentleman you are Mendes, pouring out your selfless emotions because you've decided you deserve a girl who's being domestically abused. How fucking self centred is this cunt? I don't know if this shock factor did get the guy more record sales, but you're an asshole for even trying this dirty tactic. 'Oh it's all about me, me, me'. Fuck off Mendes.


#6 Fall Out Boy - Ghostbusters

I know there's a lot of stupid people on this planet, but who in their right would think Fall Out Boy attempting to cover 'The Ghostbusters Theme' would work in any way. I hope with every fibre of my being that the person responsible for this shambles was instantly fired. Ray Parker Jr's original was smooth and cool, and a perfect accompaniment to a now iconic film. Let's just say the original has become an absolute classic for a good reason. Since when have the words 'smooth' and 'cool' ever been used in the same paragraph as 'Fall Out Boy'? Never is the answer, so it makes zero fucking sense to have them anywhere near this soundtrack, which may I add is also complete crap. Much like the poorly done rip off of a film this song features in, this theme tune is devoid of any artistic flair, or even a shred of any integrity. It's a shameless ripoff that also has the defining feature of sounding fucking awful.

Missy Elliot also tags along for whatever reason. Again, why they thought she needed a verse in a rock song is beyond me, but I have a feeling that decision may have been given to the same guy who decided to include the line in this song that 'Ghostbusters kill ghosts'. Not quite sure how you can kill something that's already dead, but I guess that's what was attempted with this song. There's not really much else to say other than to reiterate what a complete mess this whole production is, treating the source material with about as much respect as a turd, and settling for possibly the worst rock song I've heard in recent years. I'm a big fan of rock music, so when one manages to make this list you know it's got to be apocalyptically bad. But to be honest that's not my biggest disappointment, rather the fact that this song is just a money grabbing bodge job that devalues the original classic to make a quick buck. Fuck you Fall Out Boy.


#5 Lukas Graham - 7 Years

Lukas Graham are a Danish group with what might just be the worst band name of all time. Yeah that's right 'Lukas Graham' is the name of the band, and there isn't anybody in this group called Lukas Graham, which makes the name all the more worse. Lukas Graham could have at least picked an exciting name based group name like 'Lynyrd Skynyrd', but no, it's instead named after someone who sounds like a mediocre salesman. Maybe I wouldn't give a shit about their name if their music was any better, but it certainly fucking isn't. Their big hit 'Seven Years' takes on an autobiographical form, blatantly lying about the lead singer's life, but still managing to tell a excruciatingly dull story that wouldn't even pass as a Jane Austin novel. I wouldn't mind hearing the stories of people I find interesting, but this is just boring twaddle shoved down my throat. It's not deep in any way, just a cliche ridden mess created to boost egos.

I find it amazing that an allegedly serious life story can turn out so cheesy, and not in a good way either, this is plain cringey. On one hand we're being sold this metaphysical story about life in general, but then that's contrasted with the most formulaic structure it's possible to imagine. Lukas Graham, or whatever the fuck his name is, passes as a condescending knob, telling a story that isn't relatable or inspiring unless you're an arrogant fucknugget. It's quite clear he doesn't have the required talent to become an actual respected musician, and unfortunately for him this song only emphasises his pathetic vocal range and shitty personality. Somehow this crap managed to be nominated for the song of the year at the Grammys. Just take a minute to let that one sink in. I know 2016 was a shit year for music, but even if we were in an apocalyptic scenario were for some reason only Denmark could release music then this shit still shouldn't be anywhere near a nomination. Maybe Denmark should just stick to exporting butter and bacon instead of ruining the music scene with tedious bollocks like this. It says a lot about Danish music tastes when the song this overtook to become the record time spent at number one in the Danish charts was 'Doctor Jones' by Aqua. I think Donald Trump might be building his wall in the wrong place.


#4 Rihanna - Work

For some reason hit songs this year loved repeating the word 'work' an insufferable amount of times. Rihanna's song however gets the nod over Fifth Harmony's 'Work From Home', as in my opinion it's far more annoying. At least 'Work From Home' has a coherent chorus, whereas 'Work' is just some noises thrown together. I don't care what West Indian dialect it's meant to resemble, it just sounds like unintelligible shit from a stroke patient. It's not artistic, just bone idolism that attempts to substitute for any worthwhile lyrics. The rest of the song equally feels like a placeholder every step of the way, and there's a clear lack of any artistic merit or effort. Rihanna herself has never worked at trying to pull off being a credible rapper, and here that fact is brought right to the front of some very weak lyrics. Of course that's assuming you actually try and analyse this song, because your initial impression should be to instantly pinpoint how damn repetitive 'Work' is. I don't mind the odd bit of repetition in a song but this just takes the piss. The word 'work' is used 79 times throughout the whole 3 and a half minute song. 'Work' certainly isn't a song that gets stuck in your head; it's a song that just infuriates you with every listen, giving you a gradual disdain for the perfectly reasonable word 'work'.

The real kick in the balls with this one is finding out it took seven people to write this crap. SEVEN. I can only assume the dollar signs lit up in all their eyes and they forgot what they were supposed to be doing in about the three and a half minutes it must have taken to write down this bollocks. That's a pretty ironic attitude to have in a song about working your ass off for your paychecks. Speaking of not working your ass off Drake also has a verse, and as you can probably tell from my enthusiasm adds absolutely fuck all. This song is just used as a poor excuse to hit on Rihanna whilst massaging his own ego, although to be fair to Drake at least his contribution doesn't sound like a work in progress. As for the rest, well the whole product doesn't actually feel like anyone could be bothered to make a pleasant song in the slightest. The bass is clunky and sticks out like a sore thumb, and the beat equally feels all over the place. Everything is just so half assed, and funnily enough half assed elements forcibly stuck together don't work in making credible music. Rihanna doesn't need to put up with this shit. She's a credible artist at her usual standard, so why all of a sudden has she been focusing on sub-standard messes like this?


#3 Young M.A. - OOOUUU

It's that time in the list when we uncover the worst rap track of the year. Every damn list there is always that one dumb rap track that displays all the negative qualities of an overall abysmal genre. This year that honour goes to the despicable human being that goes by the name of 'Young M.A.'; a man who looks like the subject of a transgender suicide awareness advert. If you couldn't tell by this song alone he also has the persona of a grade-A cunt, failing to convince me he's a credible gangster, or even a decent human being for that matter. I don't claim to know much about the ins and outs of being a successful rap artist, but I do know that 'M.A.' has absolutely no flow and sounds fucking terrible with every line he arrogantly mumbles. He doesn't help himself by rhyming the same words over and over again throughout the whole fucking song, but then I was already convinced this thing in general is just an all round terrible human being with no reason to be anywhere near the music industry.

I'll be honest and say the production team haven't exactly helped the guy. I just don't understand why anyone would think of adding those horrible sound effects mixed in the background. They add absolutely nothing to the song and sound fucking awful. The mixing however pales in comparison to the unbearable repetition at the end of every line. Why the hell would anyone want to inflict a sound as distasteful as that on humanity? Not only does it sound shit, but it's just so fucking unnecessary. I unfortunately had the displeasure of hearing this young chap the first time, so please stop trying to inflict untold misery on millions by making the twat repeat himself. Then there's my issue with the title, which makes no fucking sense. I might expect that level of creativity from a children's TV episode that was put together in two seconds, but this is meant to be a serious record to highlight the artistic credentials of an individual. In fact aside from the explicit lyrics I think this is like something you would find being written by incompetent children. The most enjoyable part of the song for me is the lengthy silence at the beginning, as it all goes downhill rapidly after that. I take it the 'M.A.' in this man's name does not stand for 'Master of Arts', because there's no artistic integrity on display here. Shameful.


#2 Rae Sremmurd - Over Here

Now wait just a minute. You were thinking rap music couldn't get any worse than the previous entry, but somehow there was something even worse released this year. Scary, I know. You must have forgot that perennial shitlords Rae Sremmurd were still around, still releasing music so bad that even their mothers must have disowned them. Rae Sremmurd are making improvements however. For starters they're only one place down from their triumph of winning my 'worst song on 2014', and even managed to equal their prestigious second place on last year's list. This year it was the crack cocaine that once again showcased just have appalling this duo are, at least I assume a lot of crack must have been taken before this song was shat onto a drawing board. Crack apparently makes any artist lose talent, and when it's Rae Sremmurd in question there isn't much to take away in the first place, so I think you can already imagine how bad this is. You're still wrong by the way; this is more hideous than you could ever possibly envision.

Rae Sremmurd's voices are torturous to listen too. I would rather be waterboarded than be read a bed time story by these imbeciles. The woeful beat doesn't help, but fuck me this is the worst vocal performance of the century. There's no flow, they're not even in tune. I mean come on, this is just the fucking basics guys. This song is worse than horrific, this is enough to scar people for life. I can only assume Rae Sremmurd's record label don't have any quality control, because this release barely passes as music. I guess I also have to talk about the lyrics, so here's a quick sample for you:

I fucked your girl last night

And my niggas fucked her this mornin'

Charlie Sheen is my clone, can they fuck with us? No

Red carpet my home, VIP is my throne

Take me out of my zone I'ma take your ho

Fucking disgusting. I'm not sure what the rhyming scheme is supposed to be, because nothing fucking rhymes, but this random bollocks is the style repeated throughout the whole song. It doesn't even make any sense. What the fuck has Charlie Sheen being your clone got to do with fucking your mates girl? I wouldn't expect this kind of immaturity from teenage boys, yet here are Rae Sremmurd being allowed to release this shit to the mass market. That's all I have to say about this one. I'm done trying to analyse the pathetic quality of Rae Sremmurd because they just infuriate me now. Just die already.


#1 Meghan Trainor - Me Too

Meghan Trainor has undoubtedly been the worst artist of 2016 by a million country miles. She is the perfect representation of the monster that has haunted this year, refusing to die and instead unleashing upon the world her mix of abysmal music. I thought she was bad in previous years, but fuck me this is on a whole new level. I'm trying to think of the last atrocity this big that was ever forced onto humanity, but I'm really struggling. In a year that contained such appalling music, this was the pile of steaming shit that stood head and shoulders above the rest. Her earlier song 'No' served as a warm-up in displaying just how bad the art form of music could ever get. 'No' is less of a song and more a patronising speech that only serves to highlight how much of a fucking bitch Trainor is, which is the same vile attitude we ended up seeing cranked up to the next level in 'Me Too'. At least 'No' had some vague structure, whilst 'Me Too' has so much pointless stuff going on that's it impossible to listen too without feeling a growing sense of rage with every line. None of this random background noise actually accompanies the fucking song either, so the results are fucking shit. The chorus, or lack of one, is the worst though. Who's the penis that decided Trainor's pig ugly personality and voice should stand out over a fucking atrocious bass line and a beat that decides to show up whenever the hell it feels like it? A fucking moron that's who.

But worst of all is Meghan Trainor herself. What a scummy human being she proves herself to be here. This is not a song about self empowerment at any stage, rather a song were Trainor actually berates the audience because they're not her in one of the most condescending and infuriating lines of all time. Fuck off you obnoxious cow. How can you honestly sit there and lecture me on how great you are when you produce this worthless bollocks? Surely you realise how fucking arrogant and patronising this song is for listeners, but you're so far up your own ass you couldn't even give a fuck. Why people brought a song that verbally attacks them is beyond me, but then you would have to be a braindead retard to like Meghan Trainor as an artist. You just can't defend a song that's artificial crap every step of the way. Not a shred of integrity or merit, but charisma desperately forced into a song with the care of a man trying to smear a pile of shit onto his own gaping wound. The funny thing is that the original video was removed from YouTube due to excessive manipulation of Trainor's body. I would have personally removed it from YouTube as it's cancerous to your ears, but I'm sure the real reason is that content guidelines object to shit spewing out of someone's mouth. I don't know if anyone still remembers her 'unattractive bodies are beautiful' message a few years back, but it turns out that was a phase to sell records from this hypocritical bitch. Funnily enough Trainor is as bad, if not worse, than the majority of 'sexed up' artists. At least the majority of 'sexed up' artists would stick clear of abysmal records like this one. Get in the fucking bin.