2014 was such a dull year in music that it made this list quite a difficult one to make. It was a year that ended up being dominated by the indies, in terms of quality anyway, which does lead to a few surprises. But first we have to get the mediocrity out the way. Here are those that just missed the list:
Sia - Chandelier: One of the most powerful songs of the year. That doesn't mean it wasn't over-performed to the point of her not being able to sing the title correctly though. Lana Del Ray - Brooklyn Babe: The best of Lana, who's had a pretty good year. It's nowhere near the level of this list though. Ariana Grande - Problem: Sort of infectious. In theory it shouldn't even be an honorable mention yet it's somehow managed to worm its way onto this list. Must be something good about it. 5 Seconds of Summer - She Looks So Perfect: What's this, a boy band that can actually play their instruments and have come up with a decent song worthy of some merit. I call bullshit. They still look like twats but it's at least progress.
#10 Rixton - Me and My Broken Heart
And now we move onto yet another boyband. No I'm being serious, a song from a boy band was one of the best of the year. Like '5 Seconds of Summer' these lads can actually play their musical instruments, put together a decent tune, and unlike '5SOS' don't look like insufferable dicks in the process. This hit took me completely by surprise, and I found myself enjoying the catchy hooks and the laid back style of just some ordinary blokes who like making music. It helps that the song is to the same tune as Rob Thomas' 2005 hit 'Lonely No More', which was a personal favorite as a child, and he even helped to write the song which may explain why I like it so much. That does mean I have to take off some points for originality, but if Rob Thomas himself helped in the production then I think it would be going too far to call it a rip off. After all he's still getting royalties from it, so what's the issue?
'Rixton' remind me of a young 'Maroon 5' when they weren't about selling out and actually produced some good music. The reward is a nostalgic yet modern tune that may feel artificial in places but never strays to far from that catchy hook that in my opinion makes the song what it is. The song finds the line between catchy and annoying, and although there is a fair amount of repetition it never seems to go overboard like some other boybands we know of. *Cough* 'One Direction'. 'Rixton' also have that charm that many boybands out there are lacking. They may be baby-faced, but at the heart of their work is a passion for music. A passion that transcends into genuine and respectable talent. I just don't see how people can't like this; it's well coordinated, it's well produced, and it never takes itself too seriously. It might not be a turning point in music, but does that matter when it sounds as solid as this?
#9 Charli XCX - Boom Clap
This is one that I should hate in theory. It's a pop orientated track that only exists to please the lowest common denominator, and only became popular because of appearing as the theme to the film 'The Fault In Our Stars', which as a film is abysmal. But I find myself not really caring about all that once I've listened to this. It's not that I enjoy listening to it, and I wouldn't even say it was anything special. But in a year as dull as the one we've just been through it really stands out for only being okay. Unlike the majority of work this year there are no glaring flaws in this, and although I hate its undeserved fame I still think this song is actually quite decent. Although that might have something to do with me finding the singer rather attractive.
Maybe having upbringings in a terrible film has actually helped it. The crappy film may have made this sound amazing in comparison, and I would certainly prefer this to watching some vomit inducing crap that's about as heartwarming as the holocaust, which is coincidentally what the protagonists' mutual relationship is based around. Ignoring the film this song does all you could want from a pop hit in its short run time, and the hook integrates itself into everything this song does, which is fine by me as it's a decent hook. As a romantic pop song it does what it says on the tin aside from those annoying cliches, which is always a bonus, and also why I like it so much. It might just be the best pop song of the year, and overall it's a solid entry for just being a well constructed and thought through pop hit.
#8 The Griswolds - 16 Years
Before you ask yes I did get this from the 'FIFA 15' soundtrack as it stood out like a sore thumb with the rather lame musical offerings EA accompanies their game with every year. The rather hit and miss collection means that otherwise decent work like this is elevated to a level it perhaps doesn't deserve. That's not to say it isn't a good song. It quite rightly gets a place on this list due to its great structure and standout chorus. A chorus that everything else comes from; which is a stroke of luck as it's absolutely brilliant. Perfectly constructed and executed for outstanding effects; it's certainly a chorus that cannot be ignored. The rest of the song builds up towards this momentous point and that serves its purpose when that sensational hook hits you.
In a a packed indie scene this really did do a great job of standing out from the crowd, especially after being produced by a completely unknown band. Although that may be set to change after a large exposure from one of the best selling video game franchises worldwide. In the huge indie genre this feel good and lively song took me by surprise and created an instant classic in my mind. It's far from perfect, but this great listen oozes charm and is guaranteed to be classic even after a first listen. I look forward to seeing this band around in the future, and hopefully they'll make an appearance on next years list.
#7 Real Estate - Talking Backwards
Carrying on our pleasant yet unknown band theme is this hidden gem set on the touching subject of long distance relationships. This real world struggle means the lyrics and themes expressed by 'Real Estate' are both relatable and meaningful. I think the song expertly captures this feeling with its distant and lonely feeling that seems right at home in the indie genre that this group have embraced. It's a slow, majestic song that manages to sound very good, if a little tame. The tame pacing can't really be faulted though as the songs theme demands a slow pace and that is matched by the calm atmosphere that this song perfectly capitulates to, never leaving its core focus of loneliness.
It's not something I would chose to listen to as my tastes are very different from this, but I do recognise this as one of the standout songs of the year. I never complain when a song hits both solid guitar work and excellent pacing. Couple that with the vocals and you have a very powerful, yet subtle song thanks to its wide array of accompanying riffs. And that riff is one of the best I've heard all year, and is a refreshing sign from a guitar based band. The attention to detail is what draws me into liking this song so much. It's a solid all round performance that deserves some serious credit, especially when you appreciate how well the lyrics and vocals are constructed. It's an all round good product from yet another upcoming indie band.
#6 Weird Al Yankovic - Tacky
No matter how bad the music industry is you can always rely on 'Weird Al' to make some good parodies. The ideas and talent this man possesses is just unbelievable. To churn out great album after great album is an exceptional talent, especially considering that those albums are parodies of other work. In his latest efforts 'Weird Al' has picked the crap out of various monotonous songs in recent years, and this was my personal pick of the bunch. Taking the song 'Happy' from last year and giving it a desperately needed revival to create one of his best parodies. Here 'Weird Al' is at his best, taking observations from contemporary society and then taking the piss out of them. Everything here is instantly relatable. I too hate people that type in the font 'Comic Sans', and also the people that wear clothes that make them look like cocks. So yes I do enjoy the idea of a song that mocks them.
It may not be laugh out loud all the way through, but that doesn't stop it from being pretty damn entertaining. Unlike some of his songs this doesn't miss the mark and is a very intelligent and hilarious interpretation of modern life. It makes very clever satirical point about people and I absolutely love it for that. It's a tribute to 'Weird Al's' talents that he manages to produce a brilliant song out of something that wasn't anywhere near that level to begin with. This song is not serious in any way, and I absolutely love it for that. #5 Judas Priest - Halls of Valhalla
Now we arrive at the serious candidates, and what better way to start than with a legendary metal band who decided to release yet another album to add to their already large collection. 'Redeemer of Souls' certainly tried to ramp up the standards of rock music this year, and although that didn't succeed it still produced some standout tunes such as this one. In a year such as this one 'Judas Priest' have created a modern day anthem for metalheads, and although I was never a fan of their transition to the metal genre, this is still one of the best metal songs I've heard in a long while. Their best work may have come from their hard rock routes, but this is a signature tune from a signature band.
Vocalist Rob Halford still proves that he belongs up there with the best of them after yet another stellar performance. He may have lost that iconic 'Painkiller' voice, but he still knows how to rock despite his age. His high end vocals may have deteriorated, and that's really prevalent in the alto sections of this song, but his mid range is still as solid as it always was. This coupled with an awesome intro, powerful lyrics, and a rapid pace make this an instant metal classic. The epic 90 second intro is characterized by some powerful riffs, some of which have been brutally crafted for maximum effect on this full blooded record, and this really creates an awesome atmosphere. It's a brave band that chooses to release this now. But thankfully that risk was taken by a legendary band and so it payed off big time, even if that doesn't mean big sales.
#4 Foo Fighters - Something From Nothing
Thank you 'Foo Fighters', thank you for at least attempting to produce a serious rock album that although didn't blow me away was still better than anything else I'd heard all year from any other mainstream rock band. Without these boys the world of rock would be a pretty dull place, and although they might only be a temporary fix I really don't care if this is the standard of music they're producing. I'm not saying this is anything special, in fact it's rather standard for the 'Foo Fighters', but it's still expertly written and produced to an excellent standard. A standard that has meant it's been one of the best songs of the year. It carries such great momentum that I really admire the craftsmanship that went into producing it. Lead man Dave Grohl proves that he can pace a song to almost perfection and the buildup to the thunderous crescendo is a pleasure to listen to.
The growling vocals at the climax are signature 'Foo Fighters' and it hits all the right notes in my book. Grohl shows that he always has been the star talent of the band, and his exceptional gift can be seen laced throughout this song. This is a song that celebrates everything that's great about American stadium filling hits that have defined rock anthems in previous decades. Grohl might be the only man that can still do that today, and both me and his countless fans clamor for records like this. The whole style of this work reminds me a lot of Dio's 'Holy Diver', although this is a million times better.
#3 The War on Drugs - An Ocean Between The Waves
'The War on Drugs' are without a doubt the band of the year. Their extensive list of great material could quite easily have locked out the top ten, but I decided that might be a bit greedy. This song is one of their more depressing numbers, but that allows a meaningful and relatable topic to be fully dissected and inserted into what is an amazing song. The very significant topics covered are accompanied into the song masterfully in a songwriting style that puts this band up there with the best. The eight minute run time and marathon pace allow one epic song to be produced, but not to the point where it becomes boring and unnecessary. The only thing that will become apparent is the intense and dramatic atmosphere that is incomparable to any other band I've heard this year.
There may be some connections to various bands past and present but I find this song a breath of fresh air from a band with some serious talent. They prove this with some ridiculous baselines that sound like they come from some of the greats. It allows the band to control the song from the off, but never becoming too fanciful or over the top. It's a simplistic song that really drives home the perfect chemistry that this group have. Structurally it's the best song of the year by quite a distance. It may not be the most charismatic song of they year, but that allows them to keep to the genre and show us their raw talent. It's a song without gimmicks, and it's a fascinating listen, leaving you with an end product that will stun you.
#2 Rise Against - Zero Visibility
I just love 'Rise Against'. They're one of the few bands that can constantly keep producing good material. Although admittedly their latest album 'The Black Market' wasn't anything special, but it did have its high points that include the likes of this song. It's just a solid compilation of signature 'Rise Against', and for that I love it. Never going over the top it includes some big riffs and powerful vocals that come together to produce one killer hook. And of course in typical 'Rise Against' style it's centered around a very serious and important topic. It may be far from their creative best, and I wouldn't call it revolutionary, but it's a song that sums up what I love about the band. Okay it might sound similar to their previous work, and that has been the case with many of their albums in recent years, but I think this has enough individual character and merits to stand out from their stellar history.
What did surprise me was the vocal harmonies, which is not something that 'Rise Against' usually excel at. But they were a driving force throughout the song, and couple this with a brilliant display of guitar work and you have no complaints from me. I still don't think it's up there with their best work, but for a standard song it works as a great fast paced ride that instantly stood out for me. History may quickly forget this song, but I think it's a diamond in the rough that sadly for 'Rise Against' has no chance in comparison to what is undeniably song of the year.
#1 The War on Drugs - Red Eyes
Yes it's them again, and as soon as I heard the standout song from the band of the year it was instantly going to top of this list. I think there's a noticeable difference when you compare this to the rest of the songs on this list. It's in a different league thanks to some mesmerizing pacing and execution that leave it feeling like genuine quality from start to finish. It may not be full blooded rock, but don't think that's because it's artificial. No this song has a beautiful combination of guitar and vocals to not only produce a great sound, but also one of the most unique and memorable songs in the past decade. I'd like to think of it as one of those traveling songs; a song that will transport you to a care free world as you cruise down the highway, always knowing when to pick up the pace and revert back to that chilled out vibe.
Synth and classic rock are merged to perfection here, creating a feel good tune that will remind you of a time when music actually meant something; providing a platform where both indie rock and classic rock can intertwine. The vocals meld the song into something special, never forgetting the conventions of the genre thanks to the talents of a band with a talent that matches their chemistry. This song finds its home on what is undoubtedly album of the year, and proving to be the icing on the cake from a band that have owned 2014 with their unique and exceptional music.
Let's face it, 2014 was a pretty dull year for music. There were a total of zero platinum albums, and many of the mainstream singles were just the epitome of mediocrity. That doesn't mean there wasn't plenty of crap to shift through, oh no there was a lot of that, and so there are always a few terrible songs that just aren't quite bad enough to be on my list. So here are my dishonorable mentions.
Katy Perry - This Is How We Do: Any other year this would have been a sure entry, but luckily for Katy she released it in 2014. Close call there love. Jason Derulo - Wiggle: God this is annoying. I'm actually surprised that there were ten songs worse than this. The Chainsmokers - #Selfie: I couldn't really put this on the list as I think it's meant to be a parody. That doesn't mean it isn't the worst parody of all time though, in fact it almost certainly is. Jessie J - Bang Bang: Man that beat is annoying. You even bought along two superstars along and it still sounds crap. Although one of them was Nicki Minaj so I guess it could have ended up a whole lot worse. Chris Brown - Loyal: SIXTEEN WRITERS. And it still sounds this bad. Just fuck off Chris Brown. #10 Maroon 5 - Maps
Oh 'Maroon 5', what happened to you? You started out as a respectful bands with a few catchy little numbers, but now you've reduced yourselves to this crap. That once pleasantly uplifting signature sound is now long gone and your once great legacy has now been reduced to cheap and trashy songs like this. In terms of quality it's certainly one of the best on this list, although there isn't much competition, but that doesn't stop it from feeling totally pointless and devoid of anything exciting. Nothing sounds like it should fit together, and quite frankly it sounds like a jumbled mess. Listening to this song is a bit like trying to solve five Rubik's cubes whilst juggling them in the air, sure it's fast paced, but it's almost impossible to follow and has no chance of ever working.
The lesson here is not to fit three genres into a three minutes song. It kills any momentum, pacing or structure that this song attempted to build up and just ends up failing in every respect, and at times is quite painful to listen to. Is Adam Levine even trying anymore? Not once did I get the impression that this was anything serious or exciting. It just meanders along at a crawling pace, always trying to evolve into that next level, but each verse brings a new boring hook that fills your head with enraging crap. At least it's not the abomination that was 'Moves Like Jagger', but it's not a good sign if this is what there future is going to bring.
#9 Paramore - Ain't It Fun
Another band that once showed promise, and like 'Maroon 5' their careers have become a train wreck in the last few years. That isn't helped by getting rid of the majority of your band, but then I think it was always clear who the main star was. The rest of the band may have always been expendable but it really does effect your performance when two integral parts of the machine have been suddenly erased, but then that may be a sign that 'Paramore' were never that good to begin with. It culminated with this symphony of annoyance and blandness that just sounds like garbage from whatever angle you look at it. The repetitive tune is annoying, as are the lackluster lyrics, and don't get me started on the dreadful and apathetic composition. It goes on for hours, and has to be one of the few songs where I have actually got bored halfway through, but then that's due to its repetitive nature. It's quite sickening how little effort went into making this.
The lyrics have to be my biggest gripe. I think they're meant to be set on the serious topic of growing up, which as a pop-star Hayley Williams has had a lot of experience in doing during the many stages of her life when she had a shit ton of cash. It's quite patronising in some places, and pretty damn ignorant in others. It's sort of like cartoonish narcissism, and that really pisses me off. This was actually nominated for a Grammy. Yes apparently this was one of the best rock songs of the year, which is just mindblowingly stupid, especially compared to some of the tracks that will be appearing on my best songs list. Those songs don't gain popularity with annoying riffs and a lazy composition, yet apparently they're not the best rock has to offer; this is. And you thought music was getting worse? Ha.
#8 Florida Georgia Line - Sun Daze
Ladies and gentleman I give you the future of country music. Yes the genre that I onced love for its simplicity and honest themes has now been hijacked by these utter twats. Johnny Cash must be turning in his grave when seeing that this has become his greatest legacy. Just why? Why would you make a country song that isn't country in any way, and don't you dare say it's forward thinking or revolutionary. The only thing it will ever be is a huge pile of shit. It worms into your head like some parasite and refuses to go despite how violently ill you become after listening to it only once. It's so squeaky clean and annoying that you just want to kill anyone who was involved. They look like twats, they perform like twats, and they make stupid twatty music.
I've got nothing wrong with people having a good time, and please feel free to sing about that good time, and who knows somebody else might have a good time because of your experience. But I don't care about your stupid 'redneck' style parties, and your disgusting rituals. Just look at this lyrics:
I sit you up on a kitchen sink
Stick the pink umbrella in your drink
Fucking disgusting. It's not even subtle. What kind of people are they? Oh yes they're a so called country music duo who excel at making shitty songs over and over again. I hardly call that lyric songwriting, and the fact that it was allowed to be published is a crime against humanity. Just everything this song does is insufferable and couldn't be performed any worse. For all I care they could start burning crosses halfway through and it wouldn't make it any worse. God I hate modern country music, and guess what genre the next entry is.
#7 Buck 22 (ft. Billy Ray Cyrus) - Achy Breaky 2
Yes that's right, another song showing how bad the state of country music has become, except this one disguises itself as a horrid fusion of techno and country; a combination that makes me sick. The original song was bad enough, but then Billy Ray decided to follow it up with this monstrosity. A techno and country fusion that's even set in space. What the serious fuck. It was always going to sound crap, but my god did these two really do a good job at making it sound ten times worse than anyone could ever imagine. It does seem amazing that you can produce a song this bad without losing your mind.
Buck 22 is just a talentless DJ who doesn't help himself by trying to sanitize a pile of festering shite, and Billy Ray amazingly manages to sound even more terrible than in his first song. That combined with the horrendous production and awful soundtrack is a recipe for a few minutes of complete misery. Both these two deserve capital punishment for this atrocity. How at any stage they didn't realise that this maybe sounded a bit shit is just absurd. If they had just listened to it once then they could see that this farce doesn't work on any level and deservedly gets its slot on this list. #6 Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass
'All About That Bass' is by far one of the better songs on this list in terms of quality as there are at least a few redeemable qualities nestled between the crap. That's not really saying much as this song really fucking pisses me off. I just hate songs that dictate what image a person should conform to; admittedly this one reverses the common stereotype, but that doesn't stop it from sounding scornful and disparaging in every verse. I just don't understand the point of writing this song; when did Iggy Pop sing about his personal image despite looking like a scrotum. He didn't, because it's not important. It's not as if Meghan Trainor is particularly portly, so why she needs to justify that matter with snide and bitchy remarks is both stupid and ignorant. There's nothing wrong with being skinny, but there is with being a bitch; which Megan succeeds in doing thanks to lines like the one below:
I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches Hey
No, I'm just playing I know you think you're fat
Yes Meghan, it's definitely those skinny girls that are bitches and not at all you. The fact that this song was even produced is another example of why I hate modern society. Stop pandering to the lowest common denominator and produce something that actually adds something different to the already crowded market. Just accept that some people aren't perfect and sing about something meaningful and worthwhile instead. It's not as if this song makes any sense. The whole plot is based around the metaphor that curvy women look like a bass, and that skinny women look like a treble. What that has to do with your body I will never know, and that's probably because it doesn't make any sense. There is plenty of treble in the song, if there wasn't it would be unplayable, and so we may have just found our worst and dumbest metaphor of the year.
As for the rest of the song, well it doesn't get much better. It doesn't flow at any stage, something that a crappy remastered do-wop style song should excel at, but then it was never going to flow with the crappy pacing that the production have heaped together by repeating the same lines over and over again. But even after all this the thing that gets me the most is just how fucking irritating it is. It must have been played on the radio every day since it came out and when it does come on I can't kick the knob off the car radio quick enough. As soon as you hear her winy and disturbing voice you just want her to do us all a favor and shut up. The whole attitude this song takes is pathetic and bitchy, and as a heterosexual man I can tell you that the majority of men really don't care about what size a women is. But they do care if the women is a self centered and trashy bitch that can't string a few chords together, yet alone carry a song. No, Meghan Trainor and your crappy song can just fuck off back to whatever haunted lake you spawned from.
#5 DJ Fresh - Dibby Dibby Sound
Okay, this may technically be cheating as it was officially released last year, but I didn't include it on that list, and so here it is.You may have even read my original review on this monstrosity, a review where I nearly died due to how traumatic listening to it was. The amount of 'dibby' this song does give you is intolerable, which really is a shame because it's both meaningless and fucking annoying. In fact it might just be the most irritating thing in existence. Have a look at one of the verses:
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby (are you
ready?)-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
(check this out)
That's 75 of the same word in one verse. Why? Just why? It doesn't sound good, it's not clever, it's just really, really annoying, almost to the point of suicide. How at any stage you can call this songwriting is an absolute joke. At one point I did genuinly see people on the internet defending this. How? Unless you have the attention span of an orange then this is surely violation of some human rights act. It doesn't even improve after the 'dibbys'. Ms Dynamite sounds like she has bulimia, and the beat is just as bad as the atrocious hook. Please people, stop doing this. For the good of humanity I just beg you to stop, it's torture to listen to.
#4 Avril Lavigne - Hello Kitty
God just when I was starting to forget the name 'Avril Lavigne' this comes along and reminds me of her for all the wrong reasons. Her teenage rebel days are long gone and we've now got to the stage of casual racism and the butchery of national cultures. Listening to this you really do start to loath anyone responsible at any stage of making this song. How bad must a song get for it not to be released nowadays. Admittedly this one didn't chart very highly, which is maybe the only positive thing to happen to it, but people still went and bought it. To put that into perspective that's actual human beings buying something as bad as this. A thing that must be a compilation of everything that's wrong with modern music condensed into some horrid creation.
Let's face it, this song has everything that isn't wanted in a good song. There's pointless style clashes, no flow at any stage, annoying and poorly performed vocals, irrelevant lyrics, and a nice racial undertone for extra points. It's disjointed nature alone indicates to me that nobody actually cared about music when making this. Not one of the verses fits in with the next, and as for the hook, well the hook doesn't seem to be doing anything. What it's actually doing there is a complete mystery. The video may have been branded as 'racist', which I think is a bit harsh, especially considering how bad the rest of the song is. And I do admire her enthusiasm for producing utter shit, but that doesn't mean you can screech the last line of each verse every single time. Then there's the dubstep interludes; I don't even want to talk about them. I just don't know what this is or what it was attempting to be. But the results are truly something very shocking.
#3 George Ezra - Budapest
This is my controversial pick as I'm sure that many of you can't see what the problem is. But the truth is that this song just seriously annoys me for seemingly no logical reason. It may just be the voice, a voice that must be the most annoying I've heard all year. It doesn't compliment the song in any way, and just makes the whole thing an unpleasant experience. The whole song has been getting quite a bit of play time, and I really can't work out why. There's certainly nothing exciting about it, and this overrated mess is an absolute bore to listen to, especially after hearing it for about the 30th time that day. Central to this is the dull and dreary guitar riff that tries to carry a plain and empty song, something that a good riff should be able to do with ease. The problem is that this riff is so tame and dull that it can't even manage something as simple as this. It goes absolutely nowhere despite containing the majority of the songs content.
The lyrics are also something that infuriate me. I doubt George Ezra liked his short trip to Budapest very much as he's written a pretty downright offensive tribute in its name. If I was the Hungarian government I would petition this to be removed from society as it's offensive to their both their people and national pride. Why Budapest? It has nothing to do with the rest of the song. It's only name dropped for a meaningless metaphor in the opening lines that could be applied to anywhere in the world. The fact that it's such a generic metaphor suggest that the line is both pointless and stupid. The rest of the lyrics are just dry bollocks with occasional sections of crap, which to be fair sums up the whole song. The overall tone of this song is unforgivable boring rubbish that I just hate in music; in fact boredom may be the deadliest sin after annoying. This song just plods along at a painstakingly slow pace and leaves me feeling as though it's an unimaginative, lifeless mess.
#2 Nicki Minaj - Anaconda
I have to be honest that when I first heard this I was sure that it would be the worst song of the year. Amazingly it didn't get that achievement, but that doesn't stop it from being one of the worst examples of music as an art form I have ever experienced in my life. 'Stupid Hoe' will always be the worst song of all time as that manages to be the most irritating and disgusting compilation of noises ever assembled, but that doesn't stop this from being a fucking disgrace. This is a song about Nicki Minaj's ass. If you need proof that music might be a declining form of entertainment then you may have just got that here. Sure she can claim it's female empowerment, but I think we all know it's just here being a massive slut. Just looking at the lyrics can show you that:
By the way, what he say?
He can tell I ain't missing no meals
Come through and fuck 'em in my automobile
Let him eat it with his grills
Jesus Christ. It's just fucking vile. What a disgusting human being. It makes people like Adolf Hitler seem rather nice in comparison. At least he could come up with his own policies. He didn't rely on somebody else to do the hard work, steal that, and then painfully try to fill in the blanks, which Minaj still fails to do. After all this simplifying the words still don't fucking rhyme. As a rap artist that is the only job that's required of the basic genre, and you still managed to screw that up even though it's a pretty basic task. You couldn't even do it with the first fucking line. Just look at this:
Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins
Was in shootouts with the law, but he live in a palace
Bought me Alexander McQueen, he was keeping me stylish
It's genuinely unbelievable. Detroit and coins aren't even close to rhyming; and then there's a horrible slanted thyme with palace and stylish which doesn't wok either as THEY STILL DON'T FUCKING RHYME. I'm not actually sure if there is the rhyme scheme as it changes every fucking verse as absolutely none of it is even close to correctly rhyming. Is this seriously one of the biggest songs of the year? Minaj's voice is still as awful as it always was, and I struggle to be in the same room when I hear it as it brings me out in fits of violence. It doesn't get any better when looking at the lyrics. It is clear to me that this song may have been written by someone who's three and hasn't yet learned how to rhyme. At least their story would have probably made much more sense than this does. And that might actually include some words that exist, which is one up on what Minaj can do:
So I pulled up in the Jag, and i hit 'em with the jab like...
Dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun
I'm pretty sure that three your old couldn't come up with something as priceless as that, and they probably wouldn't keep going on about their own ass. And they maybe wouldn't conclude with this tasteless line:
Fuck those skinny bitches in the club
I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club, fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah!
Un-fucking-beleivable. It's clearly those 'skinny bitches' that are the problem and not the artificial and judgmental assholes like yourself. Especially when you do it time and time again. I feel like I need to be decontaminated after just listening to it. It's so vile and skanky that it really makes me doubt humanity as the dominant species. But yet amazingly there was something even worse.
#1 Rae Sremmurd - No Flex Zone
And this is the song that managed to beat 'Anaconda' to the top spot, and oh boy is it special for all the wrong reasons. It is one of the few songs I have encountered in my life where there is absolutely nothing in the whole thing that deserves at least a little bit of credit. This song sums up everything that is wrong with the rap genre, and even makes me hate music as a whole. Does it matter? No, because you've probably never heard of a band that is 'drummer's ear' spelt backwards, although to be fair that is the most intelligent thing about this group, despite still being absolute shit. I still can't work this song out. And I refuse to listen to what sounds like a duet between a middle aged lady murdering a penguin and speak and spell having a mental breakdown. Let's have a look at some of the lyrics as an example. This is genuinely a verse from the song; I haven't done anything to edit it.
Swae Lee, Lee Swae, it's the same difference
H2O, lean, same thing
Niggas throw sets and gang bang
Free everybody in the chain gang
Been two days since I laid down
Kool Moe Dee, five chains on
Mr. T, them rings on, say my fucking name ho
What the fuck is that all about? Does that even make any sense to them? As a middle class white person I may not be the best person to analyze these lyrics, but I'm pretty sure that I speak the Queen's English well enough to know that this doesn't make any sense. How can a verse possibly get from saying water and a cheap cocktail are the same thing, which is just bollocks, to commenting on 'Mr. T's' chains. Then there's the overall theme which is surely about not 'flexing' as it's the 'no flex zone'. Apparently not, as there's a fuck load of 'flexing' crammed into every rap cliche in the book:
Mind you, my crew right behind me
Went shopping, could've bought an island
Talking money when I'm with Italians
Spilling purple on the red carpet
And I'm flyer than a nigga on a hang glider
4-5-6-7 chains on, just stay in your lane ho
Don't you like these A Wangs? Don't you like these gold fangs?
Oh you bought an island; that's not flexing at all is it. I also call bullshit as nobody has ever heard of you, so how you can brag about owning an island is just spiteful and juvenile. The fact that I even had to listen to this pile of steaming horse shit has scarred me for life and reduced my brain capacity to a single cell. It's not even exciting, just dull to the bone. I can't even tolerate it; instead I'd rather bore my skull out with a rotating drill. And I wish that was a joke. The fact that these bellends have the tenacity to brag so much in their song after producing something this bad is a crime against humanity. This is a fucking disgrace, and must be punished by being placed as the worst song of the year. So well done, you absolute bellends.
Animals can be a huge part of horror films. When everything is done correctly they can become a thrill that extends far beyond that of human nature, and in extreme doses leads to paranoia. They have proven to be effective tools for thrill over the years, but here are my top ten favorite uses of animals in horror movie history:
#10 Anaconda - Anaconda (1997) (3/10)
A pretty pathetic effort at making a film about one of the world's largest snakes that somehow managed to be a box office success. This is probably due to the fact that the film starred Jennifer Lopez, and god awful rapper Ice Cube, who are part of a filming crew looking for giant snakes. If you need any conformation that they can't act you have it here; and they get a lot of screen time too show you their talentless roles. The actual Anaconda is a crime against science, and any sense of realism in the film is lost to the lack of research that went into creating their villain. The huge scale of the thing isn't what's most appalling about its design, no it's the fact that this thing is more agile out of water than most snakes about a tenth of its size. It's not even the right colour; I mean come on, just a little research wouldn't of hurt.
But if the pathetic attention to detail doesn't bother you then I guess you could start to enjoy the film. It's poor quality isn't really down to the snake, despite being completely absurd. I would even go as far to say that the 'Anaconda' is quite awesome, and it does have some screen presence, especially for a crime against nature. It doesn't actually enter the film until quite late on, which is a shame, as it's the sole source of action throughout the entire film, and to that extent it might even be the best part. So it can thank its horrendous cast for being so low on this list.
#9 Crocodile - Lake Placid (1999) (4/10)
A film that ended up being a disgusting mix of lame action sequences and forced fed comedy, but none of that is the fault of the thirty foot long crocodile that for some reason haunts a lake in northern USA. I just don't get why there should be any comedy in it. Why when you have a fucking awesome and terrifying crocodile do you focus on a more comedic film? It's not as if the comedy actually works, and that leaves the ignored action sequences to carry the film, which they simply can't do. That's nothing against the crocodile, that's everything a horror movie animal should be, and it instantly becomes the best part of the film by an absolute mile.
The director also didn't fall into the trap of making the animal completely unbelievable. It might be a crocodile that's 50% larger than anything on Earth, but it's still not the largest crocodile in existence, and that small attention to detail is what makes this film at least a little bearable. The film has gained a small cult status in recent years, which is fair enough, not many films have thirty foot crocodiles to carry them along. It may well be a poor horror film, but the crocodile acts as a very good villain, and with some better screenplay and a solid script this fearful monster could have created a sleeper hit of a film.
#8 Mosquitoes - Mosquito (1995) (2/10)
I'm not sure if this film is meant to be a parody of more traditional horror flicks or just plain bad, but the thought of giant mosquitoes just scares the hell out of me. It might just be a good thing that the film in question is so bad, a film centered around genetically modified mosquitoes that feed on humans that was actually realistic would probably ruin my life, and not leave a sour taste like these obviously staged and artificial creations are. The stupid nature of the film almost makes it comedic; that's almost, it's still a horrendous horror film to watch despite being laughably despicable in every single way. There are some standout scenes which is why it at least scores on my ranking system. Scenes such as the 'eye popping' sequence are my particular favorites, although that's not because they're good in any way.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, it was made on a very tight budget and so was also destined to be a poor film. But there are poor films out there that do at least have a good storyline, and at least one that makes sense. In this we just get the scarcely believable scenario that mosquitoes have been genetically modified by aliens when they accidentally crashed into Earth. I'm sorry, but what the hell is that? Did a person genuinely write that script; if so they should be ashamed of themselves. The cheap feel of the film doesn't help it in any way, and I just wish this had been done with a bit of care. If so then the results would be harrowing, and maybe one of the best horror films of all time.
#7 Lions - The Ghost & The Darkness (1996) (6/10)
We finally arrive at our first decent film, and one that is actually based on a true story, which makes it that much more terrifying. 'The Ghost' and 'The Darkness' are two Tsavo lions that killed over 100 people during the building of the railway from Uganda to Mombasa. It's not a film that's technically perfect, in fact it's very far from it, but the villains are the star performers despite seeing relatively little screen time. You end up ignoring the 'British Empire bullshit' backstory and just focusing on the lions who are portrayed as a legitimate threat throughout the whole film. Like any Hollywood film it forgets all about accuracy, and when you read the Wikipedia entry you discover how inaccurate the film actually is.
It doesn't really work as a horror film either, probably because it's not intended to be one, but also because there is more of a focus on the context than anything else. This I usually like, but building railways in Eastern Africa isn't exactly my idea of something interesting, and this isn't helped by the stellar cast performing well under par. There aren't many intense scenes, but the lion's reputation make sure that this film never loses its footing.
#6 Spiders - Arachnophobia (1990) (6/10)
This film might just be the worst thing of all time for people who hate spiders. Even I found myself squirming at some of the scenes, and I have nothing against spiders. The plot centers around a fictional Venezuelan spider who accidentally arrives in a generic town in the USA. It breeds with the local population, which is amazing considering it's a completely different species, and the ability to interbreed defines a species, but oh well. These spiderlings then consume the whole town in a way that I must admit is done very well, and the spiders come out of it looking like great villains. Despite the situation being completely impossible the director manages to make this film seem like an event that could genuinely happen.
That's not to say it's a great horror film; for starters it's full of every single horror movie cliche in the book, and I wouldn't say the script is particularly compelling. But if you can tolerate spiders then this is an enjoyable way to spend two hours of your life, even if it isn't the most consistent thing you will ever watch. As villains the spiders are numerous and terrifying. They have a lot more screen presence than anything should that is their size, and they even manage to defeat the dreaded bathtub of doom, so that makes them pretty hard.
#5 Birds - Birdemic: Shock & Terror (2008) (8/10)
The title sums the film up perfectly; 'shock and terror'. It's such a bad film that every time I watch it I cry a little inside; it's so comically bad that I ended up loving every single minute of it. It may not be a horror film, or any other type of film for that matter, and so it ends up on this list out of pity more than anything else. The animals in question are a variety of birds of prey, and these lumps of pixelated crap are vicious bastards that ruthlessly slit the throats of any terrible actors they can find, and in this film there are many terrible actors to kill. The reason for this, and this is scarcely believable, is apparently because of global warming. Yep, that has to be the dumbest and most flawed scientific plot since '2012', except that wasn't entertaining like this film is.
The feeling that goes through the audience when these winged monsters descend must be one of complete terror. Just look at their crappy 2D appearance, isn't that a chilling image? Well no not really, mainly because their horrendous animations are one of the many sources of comedy throughout the entire film, and end up looking like a dated 80's arcade machine that's gone wrong. These menacing beasts can even spit acid, slit people's throats, and make the noises of fighter planes as they attack. They really are something special, but not in a good way. They end up being logically and scientifically flawed, in a film that may just be the worst thing to ever happen to cinema. But you have to admit that when it all comes together the effect is just astonishing. How this film hasn't won an Oscar yet is just mindblowing, and that's all thanks to these very realistic villains.
#4 Piranhas - Piranha 3D (2010) (7/10)
A film that confuses my penis; one minute it's about pornography and the next it's a massacre in a swimming pool, which really isn't one of the things that gets me going. I expected it to be a bit like 'Jaws', but my god was I wrong. There are some of the most harrowing scenes I have ever experienced in a film lodged throughout this pretty gruesome flick. The 'blood bath' scene is one that instantly comes to mind, and it may just scar me for the rest of my life. Where comedy comes into this is ludicrous. Why when you have a film as disturbing as this would you want to put shallow gags that achieve nothing in it? Jigsaw never came up with any dick jokes in 'Saw', and so what comedic elements are doing in a full blooded horror is anybody's guess; It certainly doesn't add anything to it. Yes, the story may be an impossibility and against the theories of both geology and biology, but the prospect still scares the living hell out of me. It's thanks to these villains that I don't go swimming anymore, and I doubt that will change, especially not after the atrocities I just witnessed.
#3 Werewolves - Dog Soldiers (2002) (7/10)
'Dog Soldiers' is a little known British horror film that's never got the popularity or recognition that it really deserves. It's quite a good little film actually, and I would urge horror fans to give it a try as it has, like everything British, that sweet charm that comes with low budget movies produced by small UK based studios. I wasn't sure if werewolves were cheating, but they're on this list because they look pretty awesome, and end up an integral part of the plot. Unlike the crappy use of them in 'Harry Potter', but then I'm not going to go into how ridiculously overrated that mediocre franchise is. All I will say is that 'Dog Soldiers' is a neat little thriller thanks to its memorable villains. The werewolves compliment the intense style perfectly, and certainly contribute to a very well made film.
#2 Birds - The Birds (1963) (8/10)
Now we finally arrive at the legitimately good films, and this one is an absolute classic. Birds have always been something that's quite scary, especially when one accidentally flies into your house. Now take that single bird and multiply it by a thousand. Yep. Then they start attacking everyone, which is one harrowing prospect. The film is typical Hitchcock, managing to pull in suspense from seemingly nowhere, and presenting the birds as brilliant and menacing villains, yet still keeping that innocence for an eery atmosphere. This is quite simply the antithesis of 'Birdemic', as there is absolutely nothing funny about this film. It's sole purpose is to put the viewer in a position of genuine discomfort, and who better to do that than Alfred Hitchcock.
The film also differs from 'Birdemic' in the fact that it's both very intelligent and very realistic. The bird models are cleverly shot in 'yellow screen', which works really well, and at some points it really does feel like a documentary. It somehow managed to lose the 1963 Oscar to 'Cleopatra', which is amazing considering this film didn't feel like it went on for five million years. But you can't really blame the birds for that, they contribute to some truly memorable scenes.
#1 Shark - Jaws (1975) (9/10)
I don't see how anyone couldn't put this at the top. Has any one film ever succeeded in creating such a fear out of a single animal than this blockbuster? This is one of the main reasons why people fear sharks, and how anyone can like them if they're accompanied by that iconic piece of music is a mystery. It's a film that's aimed to shock, and yet it's still rated a 'PG'. Considering some of the scenes I would have shat my pants if I was a kid in that theater, as everything is made to look very realistic. You can thank director Steven Spielberg for that as he decided that a mechanical model would look better than a CGI shark; and it does. The shark is about a million times more imposing than any others virtual competitors in film, and that only adds to the fear factor.
I must also credit the human characters in the film who ensure that the shark seems a threat that could affect anyone in their everyday lives. The sheer normality of the characters helps to heighten that primeval fear, and is one of the major reasons why this movie became the highest grossing film at the time of its release. Not only is it a significant step for the role of animals in Hollywood films, it's also a huge step for the film industry in general; this really was the original blockbuster. It still carries that reputation today, and no matter how many times you watch it the thrills are as intense as ever and it's still as good as it always was. I don't think the day will come when a film causes such a global panic about one animal than this does, and that's a testament to the legendary reputation that this film has gained.
I do love a good mystery, and what science can't explain the human mind certainly tries to. Some of these mysterious pieces are absolutely mindblowing, and whilst many probably aren't as exciting as they are predicted to be, they still tell fascinating stories. I have had to discount solved mysteries, such as the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, because they're not really mysteries anymore. So all the items featured on the list are still unexplained by science and logic.
#10 Beale Cipher
The 'Beale Ciphers' are a set of three ciphers that allegedly tell the location of buried treasure worth 63 million dollars. Out of the three texts only one has been solved, and that's the one stating how much is inside and its rough location. The story goes that Thomas J Beale gave the encryption to a local innkeeper who went public with the mystery after Thomas was never seen again. The treasure is known to be buried in Bedford County, Virginia. Although that's a rather large area to start looking, and it's still debated whether the code is genuine or not, so I wouldn't bother. Many people have claimed that the two patterns left to be cracked don't follow the conventional patterns of modern English, which hints at them being simply nonsense. The other issue is that only the vague location has been identified, making sure people are still interested despite being a complete lie. It may be unlikely that this mystery is genuine, but that doesn't stop avid treasure hunters from trying to find it. And hell, it's actually quite a good anecdote. #9 Shugborough Inscription
Probably the most exciting thing in Staffordshire, England. But then it doesn't really have much fierce competition. The mystery lies in the sequence of letters inscribed on the town hall of Shugborough. They are located underneath a mirror image of Nicolas Poussin's painting 'Shepherds of Arcadia', which is known by conspiracy theorists as the painting that allegedly tells us where 'The Holy Grail' is located, but that's all we really know about this carving. It's said to be one of the hardest ciphers to crack, and even great minds like Charles Dickens and Charles Darwin have failed at finding a solution. The common theory is that when this is solved it will tell us the location of 'The Holy Grail', although thanks to 'Assassin's Creed' and 'Indiana Jones' we already know where it is. But that's all there is to it; certainly a very simple yet very mysterious object.
#8 Bigfoot
Okay let's be honest, this is almost certainly bullshit. I think it stopped being a mystery quite a while ago, but it's still unsolved and so qualifies for this list. Just look at that picture; am I really supposed to believe that it isn't some guy in a gorilla suit? The story tells us that he's some sort of human like ape wandering around America, but that doesn't look anything like the description. Let's face it, America has a lot of mega-fauna, and so the majority of the sightings are probably just bears or elk. It's just always seemed funny to me how scientists or common people have never seen one, it's just always those people who we shall call 'eccentric'.
The only evidence to suggest that 'Bigfoot' does exist is some tentative accounts and findings that could have easily been manipulated. All the documented cases scream hoax, and there's nothing to suggest that the perpetrated fossils are not other prehistoric lifeforms. I could have picked the Yeti for this entry, as at least that has some better evidence. But 'Bigfoot' is a much more popular myth and so I stuck with him; even if he is almost certainly a massive lie. This mystery doesn't add up scientifically or logically, and so for now I will call it a hoax. But I guess stranger things have happened; Piers Morgan got a TV show.
#7 'Wow!' Signal
The brilliantly named 'Wow!' signal was a radio signal detected by astronomer Jerry Ehman at the less impressively named 'Big Ear Telescope' in Ohio. The signal lasted a total of 72 seconds and has never been detected since. Apart from being interstellar we know nothing about where this signal originated and what actually sent it, but it could be the key to finding extraterrestrial life in the galaxy. We think the signal came from an area in the constellation of Sagittarius, which has never been explored my mankind, and so in theory this could be our first contact with aliens. However that is unlikely as it's seemingly random and an isolated case. The signal would also have had to be transmitted by a very powerful transmitter that would dwarf its nearest counterpart on Earth.
But then where the hell did it come from? Nobody knows, or is any closer to finding out. It is unlikely to be aliens, but the possibility makes it a that much greater mystery. In the event that it was aliens trying to contact us scientists sent a message back in 2012. The message contained various files from social media sites, which is exactly how I would want to showcase humanity to the universe. I'm sure if that does reach the aliens then they won't be in a massive hurry to reply. #6 Voynich Manuscripts
View in its entirety: http://brbl-dl.library.yale.edu/vufind/Record/3519597
This is quite possibly the most mysterious piece on this list as to this day nobody is anywhere near to solving it. It's quite simply just a mysterious book written in a completely unknown language. Scientists have carbon dated the book back to the 15th century, but have yet to discover the purpose and language that the book is set on. The book is housed at Yale University, and the link above will show you every single page as it's being kept in their library. You can see for yourself how alien and mysterious the lavish diagrams and various paragraphs are. The strokes used to create this masterpiece are full of repeated symbols and short words that occur in no obvious pattern making it seemingly uncrackable.
There's also no punctuation and many words seem to repeat themselves, which does hint at the language used as completely made up. For all we know it could just be complete rubbish, or someone recording their trip on hallucinogens; but I guess that just adds to the mystery even more. But then why would they bother creating such a beautiful piece? Some of the diagrams are of amazing quality and would surely take a significant amount of time to write, and so you would think there must be some value to the alien structure; if not then it's a very elaborate ruse. It would probably be going too far to suggest that this is the work of extraterrestrials as there are many illustrations that are present in common folklore, namely the constellations used, but that's all there really is to know about it. I don't know about you but I just find this fascinating.
#5 Klerksdorp Spheres
Klerksdorp, in South Africa, is home to mysterious metal spheres that look to be a man made product. However, they are found in rock that is at least three billion years old making it impossible for them to have produced by humans. They range in both size and colour, but are typically red or grey and slightly flattened at the edges. Scientists believe that they are formed when minerals inbetween rock particles create densely packed layers of sedimentary rock. The markings suggest that this was formed from volcanic sediment, but that still doesn't explain those almost perfectly rounded grooves. Surely they can't be formed during volcanic processes as well? As per usual it doesn't look like aliens have anything to do with it, but I could be wrong considering how little we know about them.
#4 Marie Celeste
The legendary ship that is famous for being found in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean completely abandoned. The 'Marie Celeste' was a British Brigadine that set sail from New York in 1872 with a crew full of experienced seamen. The destination was Genoa, and the cargo bay was filled to the brim with wine for transportation. What happened on that eventful journey is still widely debated today, but the simple answer is that we really don't know. She was found in good condition sailing at a constant bearing towards the Straits of Gibraltar with no obvious signs of distress but a lot of water had come overboard. Only nine of the 1701 caskets of wine had been taken, yet all of the ships papers had, as well as the lifeboat, making piracy an unlikely explanation.
The lack of suspicious activity makes this such an interesting find. There was no signs of violence and the ship was still perfectly seaworthy. The most popular theory concerns how the wine was transported. The nine wine barrels that were taken had been transported in red oak caskets, which is a lot more porous than the traditional white oak caskets. The wine inside would emit a large amount of vapor and this coupled with the intense movement of the barrels meant that sparks where likely to have been produced. Whether this would of caused the captain to abandon ship is still unknown, but it does seem the most logical theory. Still doesn't stop it from being a bloody good story though.
#3 Loch Ness Monster
Who doesn't know this one? The Loch Ness Monster is a legendary creature said to live in the murky waters of Loch Ness, near Inverness. I'm not sure there is another mystery that has got quite as larger reputation as this one, and the increased public interest has since named the monster 'Nessie'. However, whether there is any truth behind the mystery is another matter as there has never been any scientific evidence to suggest that it ever existed. Over the years there have been many photos that have been cited as evidence, however all of them have been proved as hoaxes. In recent years sonar scans have even trawled the loch for any clues to its existence, but no large creatures were detected in the entirety of the lake. The common image that people imagine is that of a plesiosaur, which unfortunately died out 66 million years ago. So it seems the whole thing is complete bullshit, but maybe at one point there was some truth to it.
#2 Atlantis
Yes this is the mysterious underwater city, not the crappy drama made by the BBC. There is surprisingly little evidence to suggest the existence of what should be a rather large part of history. We only know about the city because of famous philosopher Plato, who although was a great man, wasn't exactly the most reliable source. Experts claim that the city may just have been invented to serve as an allegory to the rise of the western world. The story went that the ancient Athenians fought off the Atlantians in Plato's historical epic 'Timaeus', and were then banished into the ocean by the angry gods.
No evidence of the city has ever been found, although it's said to be located in either the Atlantic Ocean or the Mediterranean Sea; which is quite a large area to start looking, and probably why we haven't found it yet. It's also an area that scientists know very little about so the idea of a lost city isn't as ludicrous as you may think. Land can quite suddenly be submerged into the water, so for Earth to lose a civilization at some point throughout its long history is actually very believable. But as for Atlantis, well that's probably just the brainchild of Plato I'm afraid.
#1 UFOs
UFOs, or Unidentified Flying Objects, are pretty self explanatory in concept, and let's face it, who hasn't heard of them? The accounts of strange lights in the sky or actual visuals of alien vessels are numerous, although they all manage to settle on that cylindrical shape for some reason. The vast majority of accounts are just eccentric idiots who are walking home from the pub on a Friday evening, and so many sightings have just been passed as hoaxes. Some of the stories out there are just exceptional. There was a story of a man who claimed to have time traveled overnight. This event happened on the same night the clocks went forward, and this is a common pattern throughout the vast majority of the witnesses.
There isn't any scientific evidence to say they do exist, but sightings have been happening frequently since the dawn of civilization, although whether they were just misguided views on astronomical events such as comets and meteors is another matter. Just a quick look on the internet will show you some very plausible images, and some of the videos are absolutely fascinating. Out of all the mysteries on the list this is by far the most genuine; is it really that absurd to believe that there is intelligent life out there on our doorstep? Granted many of the sightings are almost certainly aircraft lights or mirages but there is an overwhelming evidence from public media that does suggest there is something at play here, and that is something that cannot be explained by science at this point in time.
I love conspiracy theories. I know this blog is usually discussing popular culture, but I thought I would branch out a little bit. It's simply human nature that causes us to speculate and answer questions on what's written between the lines. There are a lot of theories that are obviously complete bullshit, but many have a lot more valid evidence than you might expect. So now I've complied a list of the top ten conspiracy theories that could genuinely be true.
#10 The Moon Landings
I think everyone knows this one. It's quite a simple premise to be fair; that iconic moment of man walking on the moon for the first time was allegedly faked in order for the USA to win 'The Space Race'. It's not completely illogical when you think about it; why not just cheat to win 'the Space Race'? It's a lot less expensive. Why bother even trying when nobody had even come close to accomplishing anywhere near that before? Isn't it a little strange that it went off without a hitch when even getting a man into space was an already difficult task with low success rates. By cheating you increase national pride, strike a major blow in 'The Cold War', NASA gets a huge amount of funding, and diverts public attention away from the controversial Vietnam War. It's a win-win situation.
That's not to say there aren't some flaws with the theories. Simple arguments such as the lack of stars present in the sky can be solved by science. There are no stars present because the landing took place in the lunar day, and so the sun outshone all other stars like it would do on Earth. And those hotspots of light that look like they're being emitted from spotlights. Well that's simply the moon reflecting sunlight so you can see it clearly in the night sky. There are also parts to this theory that are simply raised from misconceptions. Points like how the flag shouldn't be flapping, as it's located in a vacuum. However this is simply not true; in a vacuum a flag will flap uncontrollably, debunking that myth. But there are some genuinely interesting points that do raise a few questions. Why were all the data tapes destroyed? Although I'm sure there is a valid reason for it, it still raises suspicions. The theory is almost certainly false, hence why I ranked it so low on this list. There is photographic evidence of man landing on the moon from external sources, and the sites are still visible today. It's also quite difficult to fake bringing home moon rocks that are older than any other rocks on Earth. So I'm calling this one a lie; although that hasn't stopped it from becoming one of the most popular conspiracies in modern times.
#9 The Bermuda Triangle
The Bermuda Triangle is an area of the world most famous for having an alarmingly high rate of shipwrecks and missing planes. There are many theories surrounding why this has happened, and the majority of them are just absurd. There's even some claims that this is the result from the wrath of Atlantis, and amazingly has even been blamed on alien technology, which I'm sure would be a valid argument on 'The History Channel', but on this blog we make our factual points from science. The most famous incident is that of 'Flight 19', who were a training squadron of fighter planes during World War 2. They lost contact with their base shortly after entering the triangle on a training exercise from Fort Lauderdale and haven't been seen since. This can quite easily be explained by the simple fact that they got lost and simply ran out of fuel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The West Indies is a maze of similar looking islands and without GPS the similar and many islands would look identical to each other. It was a simple yet fatal mistake to make.
The number of ships lost in the area can also be explained very easily. The rock beneath the triangle is rich in methane deposits, and so when the sea floor is disturbed huge amounts of methane rush to the surface. As any diving enthusiast will tell you, when gas is bubbled through water it diminishes its surface tension and significantly lowers its density, and so in large enough amounts Methane can easily sink huge vessels, making it seem like they were just pulled under. With this conclusive evidence we can almost certainly say that these conspiracy theories are just bollocks. But who doesn't love an exciting and imaginative theory over the tame facts of science?
#8 Roswell & Area 51
The Roswell incident was the crashing of a US weather balloon that was tracking Soviet missile strikes in 1947, near a ranch in New Mexico. Some people claim that this wasn't a weather balloon and was actually a spaceship that the US government decided to cover up because of absolutely no reason what so ever. Some of the theories littered around the internet are a little farfetched, with people believing the images above are actually of an alien autopsy. I'm still amazed that people actually think that; despite looking like a dummy and having been proved a hoax, people all over the internet still think the US government are exploiting aliens in secret.
My favorite theory has to be the one circling around the web about how it was a plane transporting "grotesque, child sized aviators". These things were apparently created by Nazi scientists for the Soviets just after the Second World War to allow the USSR to create havoc on US soil. Why they chose a tiny little ranch in the middle of desert over the heart of New York City is beyond me, and also how it would create havoc is a little strange, unless the aliens had nuclear bombs strapped to their back, so I'm going to call that theory laughably bad. The idea of extraterrestrials landing on Earth isn't ludicrous, but if that event did happen it sure as hell wouldn't happen like these theories suggest. At least they do give me a good laugh reading them.
#7 Big Brother
The 'Big Brother' theory is based around the idea of a secret totalitarian government ready to rule the world; or the 'New World Order' as some people like to refer to it. Rumor has it that this new order is watching our every move through government agencies that monitor their citizens. It may just be people's love for dystopian literature, but there's no doubt that George Orwell's '1984', where this theory originates, covers some realistic and poignant topics, so why not believe some of them? I don't see why it's such a absurd idea either; the government are constantly keeping tabs on us. It would probably be quite scary if you found out how much information they actually know about us, so who knows what happens behind closed doors.
It is a major step up from factual evidence to believing that there is genuinely a secret government profiting from ongoing surveillance techniques. But maybe signs like the recent NSA and PRISM scandals are proof that this is currently happening. I do highly doubt that as the public loves a good few scare stories to keep us all paranoid, but I suppose it is a potential scenario, hence why it places quite highly on this list.
#6 HAARP
'HAARP' is an acronym for the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Programme, which doesn't sound too scary until you find out that it's a top secret research facility that apparently has the potential to control the weather. This isn't a particularly well known theory, but its plausibility and significance means it places highly on this list. On paper it doesn't look too scary either; it's just an advanced tool that is used to monitor the ionosphere, which is a region of the upper atmosphere. But it all becomes a bit suspicious when you realise that this harmless research facility is owned by the US Air Force. It's also completely filtered on Google Maps, which makes you wonder what the hell happens there, and what are they so desperate to keep private. Surely you only hide things if it would jeopardize your own countries security, something a research facility simply does not do.
The machine works by firing high frequency transmissions up into the atmosphere, which means in theory it could be used as a tool for manipulating weather patterns. Already recent natural disasters have been blamed on this piece of equipment, and although I highly doubt that, it is very possible in theory. It has even been claimed that this apparatus could flip the Earth's magnetic poles, which does happen anyway, but this wouldn't be following the natural cycle. Other theories suggest that it could be broadcasting mind controlling waves, which might be taking its powers too far, but then nobody really knows what happens there behind closed doors. Maybe this is just too good to be true; there isn't any conclusive evidence saying that its powers are being abused, and if anything it has been a large contributor to science. But that still doesn't explain why it's a restricted area. So I guess the conspiracies are still valid theories. #5 Manufactured Diseases
Bio-terrorism is certainly nothing new, and we just need to look through the history books to see that chemical warfare has been a big issue. Some of the biggest diseases in recent years have been allegedly created by humans, and none has been more publicly discussed than the AIDS epidemic. It makes perfect sense in theory; the pharmaceutical industry is worth tens of billions. Why cure something when you can make more money out of it? What's even more scary is that these diseases have apparently been used to control entire populations. Why this would be allowed to happen is the bigger question. Some say it's to punish homosexuals, and others claim it's the western world's way of controlling the overpopulated continent of Africa. None of these are probably true, as science has already determined the evolution of AIDS, and that wasn't from a laboratory.
But that doesn't stop the skeptics. Some go as far too say it was yet another test during 'The Cold War'. Africa is apparently the test subject for large scale chemical warfare. It's not stupid to think something as horrendous as that could happen, especially at a time of global instability. But it does seem very unlikely. It is a very scary prospect in theory, and certainly plausible, but there's no evidence to suggest that this is the case.
#4 The Illuminati
Carrying on from the 'Big Brother' conspiracy is this internet favorite that also centers around the idea of a 'New World Order'. This one differs in the fact that this new powerful organization are not in fact watching us from surveillance cameras and databases, but actually through their symbol, the 'All Seeing Eye'. This means that they have been watching humanity through various mechanisms that range from bank notes to episodes of 'Family Guy'. Doesn't sound too scary until you realise that this is a real group that was set up in 18th century Bavaria, and took form in a conglomeration of powerful figures. The meetings and society were officially outlawed, but that hasn't quelled the rumors that they still meet to this very day.
Various events in history have also been blamed on these powerful individuals. Everything from The French Revolution to the assassination of JFK has been attributed to their lucrative activities. The theory is clear that this group have a lot of power and don't just meet up secretly to exchange recipes for fruit cake, but I can't help but not feel intimidated by what is highly likely to be complete bullshit. I think this 'All Seeing Eye' theory is going a little overboard; as far as science goes that is technically impossible. But is a powerful and secret group that occasionally meet up and influence world events really such a strange idea? I'm not sure, but then I watch too many spy films. #3 JFK Assassination
After fifty years of constant debating and pondering the same question keeps appearing again and again; who really did kill JFK? Of course the government are going to say it was Lee Harvey Oswald, but then they're not going to admit they were wrong on such a huge matter. It seems unlikely that he was the sole killer, all the evidence points to multiple shooters, and that blank space has been helpfully and unreliably filled in by the internet. There are theories out there that suggest it was 'The Illuminati'. There are others that suggest it was payback from the communists, and even the occasional theory surrounding The Mafia's and US government's involvements. One thing is clear; the official evidence and explanation is a bit sketchy, and the fact that hundreds of witnesses have been silenced rings a few alarm bells in my mind.
The grassy knoll is an area that was ignored for no reason by the official investigation, despite multiple witnesses hearing gunshots and seeing suspicious activity in that location. Eight people allegedly smelt gunpowder in that area, and another 51 witnesses said they heard shots coming from the grassy knoll. Surely they can't all be wrong, but their testimony was largely ignored. Even by just looking at the film you can clearly see that the bullet is coming from a completely different direction to where Oswald was said to be shooting from. Many claim that Oswald was just the scapegoat. He was a former soldier with below average marksman training, and only had a standard bolt action rifle with him at the time, which would make firing multiple accurate shots in such a short space of time almost impossible. Whichever way you look at it, the common explanation just doesn't add up. It really is alarming that some of the theories on the incident are genuinely very plausible, and that is only increased by the lack of reliable evidence to go on
#2 Death of Princess Diana
No I haven't been hired by The Daily Express to write this, but I will admit that the official explanation for this tragedy is a little suspicious. But that doesn't mean I'm going to keep banging on about it like The Express thinks it's obliged to do. But just looking over the facts makes me wonder what really happened; it's not everyday that a former royal is subjected to a fatal car crash in a secluded area, conveniently right after her split with Prince Charles. Is it really silly to believe that The Royal Family or MI6 had something to do with it? Surely they must have still been monitoring her at the time.
The official explanation is that driver Henri Paul was drunk at the time of the accident, which has been deduced by blood samples that were taken at the scene. Other explanations have hinted at the paparazzi being involved. I for one would happily put my foot down to get away from what may just be the lowest form of human being. But evidence has shown that this was unlikely, since the paparazzi were quite a way back when the crash actually happened. What really doesn't add up is that there was no CCTV footage throughout the whole tunnel in the center of Paris. There were fourteen cameras in that tunnel, and surprisingly not one of them had any footage on it. What's even more suspicious is that the driver of a Fiat Uno, that scraped Diana's car, committed suicide a few years after the event. What for nobody will ever know. When put together this does seem a little odd, nothing really adds up, and the possibility of murder is unfortunately genuine. No wonder that this has become such a highly controversial and popularly believed theory.
#1 9/11 Terrorist Attacks
I'm not a person who ends up believing these theories very often, but as for this one, this one certainly has a lot more weight to it than any others I've examined. After going through all the theories to this disaster I do genuinely think there is something that the US government is keeping from its citizens. Their official report was terribly flawed and seemed to end up blaming nobody. This is only made more suspicious by the fact that the wreckage of the towers is still kept behind locked doors. What the hell for? Is it because they don't want people to analyze the remains and find something they're not supposed to. All the evidence points towards this even being a false flag operation, meaning the US government would act on purpose to side with the public. In this case it would probably be so people would side with the 'War on Terror'. You might think that would never happen in a land which is said to be the home of the brave, but the US have planned another false flag operation in the past; 'Operation Northwoods' at the height of 'The Cold War'. Why would the USA want to invade the Middle East? There's a lot of oil there for starters; just look at how much the major oil companies have profited from the war that followed.
Of course this is just a theory, it needs evidence, and that for me lies in the actual structure of the building. Both World Trade Centers were made out of steel, a material renowned for being able to withstand heat, and steel buildings have been known to burn for days without collapsing. So why was the official cause of collapse been labelled as burning? The answer may lie in a composition called thermite, which as the ability to easily burn through a wide variety of metals. A lot would be needed to burn through solid steel, but this composition is soluble and so therefore can be mixed with liquids such as paint. That way tonnes of thermite would be indistinguishably laced through the walls of the two buildings. This gets more interesting when you find out that multiple professors found traces of thermite in the dust debris of the two buildings, but for some reason these studies have been completely ignored.
Then there's the issue of the black box, a tool that is used to record inside the cockpit of planes. It's actually bright orange to make it easy to identify and has one sole purpose; to survive serious impact at all costs. Any aircraft pilot will tell you that there's about a 99% chance that this piece of equipment will be recovered from the wreckage. By some miracle all the boxes were too damaged to recover data from, something that is almost impossible, and a little hard to believe, like somebody is trying to cover something up. Osama Bin Laden did admit to orchestrating the attacks. That's Bin Laden, the former CIA agent. Am I expected to believe he cut all ties with them. It seems logical to me that he posed as the scapegoat. There are even witnesses that claim they saw the hijackers in the plane's cockpit before it even took off. These people are now being hunted down by the CIA, and although they're not a reliable source it does bring up yet more questions. Looking at the evidence you can see why I genuinely believed the government had something to do with this. A false flag operation seems the most likely cause, and until the investigation is allowed to be viewed by the public then I'm sticking with this theory.
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