Top 10 Worst Songs of 2014

Let's face it, 2014 was a pretty dull year for music. There were a total of zero platinum albums, and many of the mainstream singles were just the epitome of mediocrity. That doesn't mean there wasn't plenty of crap to shift through, oh no there was a lot of that, and so there are always a few terrible songs that just aren't quite bad enough to be on my list. So here are my dishonorable mentions.

Katy Perry - This Is How We Do: Any other year this would have been a sure entry, but luckily for Katy she released it in 2014. Close call there love.
Jason Derulo - Wiggle: God this is annoying. I'm actually surprised that there were ten songs worse than this.
The Chainsmokers - #Selfie: I couldn't really put this on the list as I think it's meant to be a parody. That doesn't mean it isn't the worst parody of all time though, in fact it almost certainly is.
Jessie J - Bang Bang: Man that beat is annoying. You even bought along two superstars along and it still sounds crap. Although one of them was Nicki Minaj so I guess it could have ended up a whole lot worse.
Chris Brown - Loyal: SIXTEEN WRITERS. And it still sounds this bad. Just fuck off Chris Brown.

#10 Maroon 5 - Maps

Oh 'Maroon 5', what happened to you? You started out as a respectful bands with a few catchy little numbers, but now you've reduced yourselves to this crap. That once pleasantly uplifting signature sound is now long gone and your once great legacy has now been reduced to cheap and trashy songs like this. In terms of quality it's certainly one of the best on this list, although there isn't much competition, but that doesn't stop it from feeling totally pointless and devoid of anything exciting. Nothing sounds like it should fit together, and quite frankly it sounds like a jumbled mess. Listening to this song is a bit like trying to solve five Rubik's cubes whilst juggling them in the air, sure it's fast paced, but it's almost impossible to follow and has no chance of ever working.

The lesson here is not to fit three genres into a three minutes song. It kills any momentum, pacing or structure that this song attempted to build up and just ends up failing in every respect, and at times is quite painful to listen to. Is Adam Levine even trying anymore? Not once did I get the impression that this was anything serious or exciting. It just meanders along at a crawling pace, always trying to evolve into that next level, but each verse brings a new boring hook that fills your head with enraging crap. At least it's not the abomination that was 'Moves Like Jagger', but it's not a good sign if this is what there future is going to bring.

#9 Paramore - Ain't It Fun

Another band that once showed promise, and like 'Maroon 5' their careers have become a train wreck in the last few years. That isn't helped by getting rid of the majority of your band, but then I think it was always clear who the main star was. The rest of the band may have always been expendable but it really does effect your performance when two integral parts of the machine have been suddenly erased, but then that may be a sign that 'Paramore' were never that good to begin with. It culminated with this symphony of annoyance and blandness that just sounds like garbage from whatever angle you look at it. The repetitive tune is annoying, as are the lackluster lyrics, and don't get me started on the dreadful and apathetic composition. It goes on for hours, and has to be one of the few songs where I have actually got bored halfway through, but then that's due to its repetitive nature. It's quite sickening how little effort went into making this.

The lyrics have to be my biggest gripe. I think they're meant to be set on the serious topic of growing up, which as a pop-star Hayley Williams has had a lot of experience in doing during the many stages of her life when she had a shit ton of cash. It's quite patronising in some places, and pretty damn ignorant in others. It's sort of like cartoonish narcissism, and that really pisses me off. This was actually nominated for a Grammy. Yes apparently this was one of the best rock songs of the year, which is just mindblowingly stupid, especially compared to some of the tracks that will be appearing on my best songs list. Those songs don't gain popularity with annoying riffs and a lazy composition, yet apparently they're not the best rock has to offer; this is. And you thought music was getting worse? Ha. 

#8 Florida Georgia Line - Sun Daze

Ladies and gentleman I give you the future of country music. Yes the genre that I onced love for its simplicity and honest themes has now been hijacked by these utter twats. Johnny Cash must be turning in his grave when seeing that this has become his greatest legacy. Just why? Why would you make a country song that isn't country in any way, and don't you dare say it's forward thinking or revolutionary. The only thing it will ever be is a huge pile of shit. It worms into your head like some parasite and refuses to go despite how violently ill you become after listening to it only once. It's so squeaky clean and annoying that you just want to kill anyone who was involved. They look like twats, they perform like twats, and they make stupid twatty music.

I've got nothing wrong with people having a good time, and please feel free to sing about that good time, and who knows somebody else might have a good time because of your experience. But I don't care about your stupid 'redneck' style parties, and your disgusting rituals. Just look at this lyrics:

I sit you up on a kitchen sink
Stick the pink umbrella in your drink

Fucking disgusting. It's not even subtle. What kind of people are they? Oh yes they're a so called country music duo who excel at making shitty songs over and over again. I hardly call that lyric songwriting, and the fact that it was allowed to be published is a crime against humanity. Just everything this song does is insufferable and couldn't be performed any worse. For all I care they could start burning crosses halfway through and it wouldn't make it any worse. God I hate modern country music, and guess what genre the next entry is.

#7 Buck 22 (ft. Billy Ray Cyrus) - Achy Breaky 2

Yes that's right, another song showing how bad the state of country music has become, except this one disguises itself as a horrid fusion of techno and country; a combination that makes me sick. The original song was bad enough, but then Billy Ray decided to follow it up with this monstrosity. A techno and country fusion that's even set in space. What the serious fuck. It was always going to sound crap, but my god did these two really do a good job at making it sound ten times worse than anyone could ever imagine. It does seem amazing that you can produce a song this bad without losing your mind.

Buck 22 is just a talentless DJ who doesn't help himself by trying to sanitize a pile of festering shite, and Billy Ray amazingly manages to sound even more terrible than in his first song. That combined with the horrendous production and awful soundtrack is a recipe for a few minutes of complete misery. Both these two deserve capital punishment for this atrocity. How at any stage they didn't realise that this maybe sounded a bit shit is just absurd. If they had just listened to it once then they could see that this farce doesn't work on any level and deservedly gets its slot on this list. 

#6 Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

'All About That Bass' is by far one of the better songs on this list in terms of quality as there are at least a few redeemable qualities nestled between the crap. That's not really saying much as this song  really fucking pisses me off. I just hate songs that dictate what image a person should conform to; admittedly this one reverses the common stereotype, but that doesn't stop it from sounding scornful and disparaging in every verse. I just don't understand the point of writing this song; when did Iggy Pop sing about his personal image despite looking like a scrotum. He didn't, because it's not important. It's not as if Meghan Trainor is particularly portly, so why she needs to justify that matter with snide and bitchy remarks is both stupid and ignorant. There's nothing wrong with being skinny, but there is with being a bitch; which Megan succeeds in doing thanks to lines like the one below:

I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches Hey
No, I'm just playing I know you think you're fat

Yes Meghan, it's definitely those skinny girls that are bitches and not at all you. The fact that this song was even produced is another example of why I hate modern society. Stop pandering to the lowest common denominator and produce something that actually adds something different to the already crowded market. Just accept that some people aren't perfect and sing about something meaningful and worthwhile instead. It's not as if this song makes any sense. The whole plot is based around the metaphor that curvy women look like a bass, and that skinny women look like a treble. What that has to do with your body I will never know, and that's probably because it doesn't make any sense. There is plenty of treble in the song, if there wasn't it would be unplayable, and so we may have just found our worst and dumbest metaphor of the year.

As for the rest of the song, well it doesn't get much better. It doesn't flow at any stage, something that a crappy remastered do-wop style song should excel at, but then it was never going to flow with the crappy pacing that the production have heaped together by repeating the same lines over and over again. But even after all this the thing that gets me the most is just how fucking irritating it is. It must have been played on the radio every day since it came out and when it does come on I can't kick the knob off the car radio quick enough. As soon as you hear her winy and disturbing voice you just want her to do us all a favor and shut up. The whole attitude this song takes is pathetic and bitchy, and as a heterosexual man I can tell you that the majority of men really don't care about what size a women is. But they do care if the women is a self centered and trashy bitch that can't string a few chords together, yet alone carry a song. No, Meghan Trainor and your crappy song can just fuck off back to whatever haunted lake you spawned from.

#5 DJ Fresh - Dibby Dibby Sound

Okay, this may technically be cheating as it was officially released last year, but I didn't include it on that list, and so here it is.You may have even read my original review on this monstrosity, a review where I nearly died due to how traumatic listening to it was. The amount of 'dibby' this song does give you is intolerable, which really is a shame because it's both meaningless and fucking annoying. In fact it might just be the most irritating thing in existence. Have a look at one of the verses:

Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound
Dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby (are you ready?)-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby sound (check this out)

That's 75 of the same word in one verse. Why? Just why? It doesn't sound good, it's not clever, it's just really, really annoying, almost to the point of suicide. How at any stage you can call this songwriting is an absolute joke. At one point I did genuinly see people on the internet defending this. How? Unless you have the attention span of an orange then this is surely violation of some human rights act. It doesn't even improve after the 'dibbys'. Ms Dynamite sounds like she has bulimia, and the beat is just as bad as the atrocious hook. Please people, stop doing this. For the good of humanity I just beg you to stop, it's torture to listen to.

#4 Avril Lavigne - Hello Kitty

God just when I was starting to forget the name 'Avril Lavigne' this comes along and reminds me of her for all the wrong reasons. Her teenage rebel days are long gone and we've now got to the stage of casual racism and the butchery of national cultures. Listening to this you really do start to loath anyone responsible at any stage of making this song. How bad must a song get for it not to be released nowadays. Admittedly this one didn't chart very highly, which is maybe the only positive thing to happen to it, but people still went and bought it. To put that into perspective that's actual human beings buying something as bad as this. A thing that must be a compilation of everything that's wrong with modern music condensed into some horrid creation.

Let's face it, this song has everything that isn't wanted in a good song. There's pointless style clashes, no flow at any stage, annoying and poorly performed vocals, irrelevant lyrics, and a nice racial undertone for extra points. It's disjointed nature alone indicates to me that nobody actually cared about music when making this. Not one of the verses fits in with the next, and as for the hook, well the hook doesn't seem to be doing anything. What it's actually doing there is a complete mystery. The video may have been branded as 'racist', which I think is a bit harsh, especially considering how bad the rest of the song is. And I do admire her enthusiasm for producing utter shit, but that doesn't mean you can screech the last line of each verse every single time. Then there's the dubstep interludes; I don't even want to talk about them. I just don't know what this is or what it was attempting to be. But the results are truly something very shocking.

#3 George Ezra - Budapest

This is my controversial pick as I'm sure that many of you can't see what the problem is. But the truth is that this song just seriously annoys me for seemingly no logical reason. It may just be the voice, a voice that must be the most annoying I've heard all year. It doesn't compliment the song in any way, and just makes the whole thing an unpleasant experience. The whole song has been getting quite a bit of play time, and I really can't work out why. There's certainly nothing exciting about it, and this overrated mess is an absolute bore to listen to, especially after hearing it for about the 30th time that day. Central to this is the dull and dreary guitar riff that tries to carry a plain and empty song, something that a good riff should be able to do with ease. The problem is that this riff is so tame and dull that it can't even manage something as simple as this. It goes absolutely nowhere despite containing the majority of the songs content.

The lyrics are also something that infuriate me. I doubt George Ezra liked his short trip to Budapest very much as he's written a pretty downright offensive tribute in its name. If I was the Hungarian government I would petition this to be removed from society as it's offensive to their both their people and national pride. Why Budapest? It has nothing to do with the rest of the song. It's only name dropped for a meaningless metaphor in the opening lines that could be applied to anywhere in the world. The fact that it's such a generic metaphor suggest that the line is both pointless and stupid. The rest of the lyrics are just dry bollocks with occasional sections of crap, which to be fair sums up the whole song. The overall tone of this song is unforgivable boring rubbish that I just hate in music; in fact boredom may be the deadliest sin after annoying. This song just plods along at a painstakingly slow pace and leaves me feeling as though it's an unimaginative, lifeless mess.

#2 Nicki Minaj - Anaconda

I have to be honest that when I first heard this I was sure that it would be the worst song of the year. Amazingly it didn't get that achievement, but that doesn't stop it from being one of the worst examples of music as an art form I have ever experienced in my life. 'Stupid Hoe' will always be the worst song of all time as that manages to be the most irritating and disgusting compilation of noises ever assembled, but that doesn't stop this from being a fucking disgrace. This is a song about Nicki Minaj's ass. If you need proof that music might be a declining form of entertainment then you may have just got that here. Sure she can claim it's female empowerment, but I think we all know it's just here being a massive slut. Just looking at the lyrics can show you that:

By the way, what he say?
He can tell I ain't missing no meals
Come through and fuck 'em in my automobile
Let him eat it with his grills

Jesus Christ. It's just fucking vile. What a disgusting human being. It makes people like Adolf Hitler seem rather nice in comparison. At least he could come up with his own policies. He didn't rely on somebody else to do the hard work, steal that, and then painfully try to fill in the blanks, which Minaj still fails to do. After all this simplifying the words still don't fucking rhyme. As a rap artist that is the only job that's required of the basic genre, and you still managed to screw that up even though it's a pretty basic task. You couldn't even do it with the first fucking line. Just look at this:

Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins
Was in shootouts with the law, but he live in a palace
Bought me Alexander McQueen, he was keeping me stylish

It's genuinely unbelievable. Detroit and coins aren't even close to rhyming; and then there's a horrible slanted thyme with palace and stylish which doesn't wok either as THEY STILL DON'T FUCKING RHYME. I'm not actually sure if there is the rhyme scheme as it changes every fucking verse as absolutely none of it is even close to correctly rhyming. Is this seriously one of the biggest songs of the year? Minaj's voice is still as awful as it always was, and I struggle to be in the same room when I hear it as it brings me out in fits of violence. It doesn't get any better when looking at the lyrics. It is clear to me that this song may have been written by someone who's three and hasn't yet learned how to rhyme. At least their story would have probably made much more sense than this does. And that might actually include some words that exist, which is one up on what Minaj can do:

 So I pulled up in the Jag, and i hit 'em with the jab like...
Dun-d-d-dun-dun-d-d-dun-dun

I'm pretty sure that three your old couldn't come up with something as priceless as that, and they probably wouldn't keep going on about their own ass. And they maybe wouldn't conclude with this tasteless line:

Fuck those skinny bitches in the club
I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club, fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah!

Un-fucking-beleivable. It's clearly those 'skinny bitches' that are the problem and not the artificial and judgmental assholes like yourself. Especially when you do it time and time again. I feel like I need to be decontaminated after just listening to it. It's so vile and skanky that it really makes me doubt humanity as the dominant species. But yet amazingly there was something even worse. 

#1 Rae Sremmurd - No Flex Zone

And this is the song that managed to beat 'Anaconda' to the top spot, and oh boy is it special for all the wrong reasons. It is one of the few songs I have encountered in my life where there is absolutely nothing in the whole thing that deserves at least a little bit of credit. This song sums up everything that is wrong with the rap genre, and even makes me hate music as a whole. Does it matter? No, because you've probably never heard of a band that is 'drummer's ear' spelt backwards, although to be fair that is the most intelligent thing about this group, despite still being absolute shit. I still can't work this song out. And I refuse to listen to what sounds like a duet between a middle aged lady murdering a penguin and speak and spell having a mental breakdown. Let's have a look at some of the lyrics as an example. This is genuinely a verse from the song; I haven't done anything to edit it.

Swae Lee, Lee Swae, it's the same difference
H2O, lean, same thing
Niggas throw sets and gang bang
Free everybody in the chain gang
Been two days since I laid down
Kool Moe Dee, five chains on
Mr. T, them rings on, say my fucking name ho

What the fuck is that all about? Does that even make any sense to them? As a middle class white person I may not be the best person to analyze these lyrics, but I'm pretty sure that I speak the Queen's English well enough to know that this doesn't make any sense. How can a verse possibly get from saying water and a cheap cocktail are the same thing, which is just bollocks, to commenting on 'Mr. T's' chains. Then there's the overall theme which is surely about not 'flexing' as it's the 'no flex zone'. Apparently not, as there's a fuck load of 'flexing' crammed into every rap cliche in the book:

Mind you, my crew right behind me
Went shopping, could've bought an island
Talking money when I'm with Italians
Spilling purple on the red carpet
And I'm flyer than a nigga on a hang glider
4-5-6-7 chains on, just stay in your lane ho
Don't you like these A Wangs? Don't you like these gold fangs?

Oh you bought an island; that's not flexing at all is it. I also call bullshit as nobody has ever heard of you, so how you can brag about owning an island is just spiteful and juvenile. The fact that I even had to listen to this pile of steaming horse shit has scarred me for life and reduced my brain capacity to a single cell. It's not even exciting, just dull to the bone. I can't even tolerate it; instead I'd rather bore my skull out with a rotating drill. And I wish that was a joke. The fact that these bellends have the tenacity to brag so much in their song after producing something this bad is a crime against humanity. This is a fucking disgrace, and must be punished by being placed as the worst song of the year. So well done, you absolute bellends.