Top 10 Video Game Sidekicks

The face of the video game is usually where all the money lies, and so the role of a video game sidekick is often forgotten. So here is my ten favorite sidekicks who made the game that much more special, an ode to the often forgotten friends.

#10 Dog (Fable)

Best Outings: Fable 2 (8/10), Fable 3 (8/10)

The Fable dog supports the protagonist throughout the whole series and has become an often forgotten part of a good franchise. He's not just cute, he has the ability to find treasure and isn't too shabby in combat either. There are various other other dogs I could've chosen, but for me 'The Fable Dog' is much more useful, and a lot more personal than any other dog in video games. I don't think any other dogs can claim to have such an integral part in the storyline.

I also don't think that any other video game dog feels as personal as this one. You can name him, choose his breed, and even play games with him. He has so much more character than any other dog, and although he doesn't talk, he still feels like a worthy companion on your many epic quests. He's also immortal, which makes him very useful, and that's a very good trait to have as a sidekick.

#9 Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong)

Best Outings: Donkey Kong Country (7/10), Super Smash Bros. Brawl (10/10)

Poor Diddy Kong, forever living in the shadow of the much superior Donkey Kong. I don't know what relation they are, but an annoying and immature chimpanzee is never going to be anywhere near as good as a gigantic marauding gorilla. Diddy was first introduced in the decent 'Donkey Kong Country' games, in what may be the most pointless move of all time, not once did I ever think the legend that is Donkey Kong needed an apprentice, but he got one, and I guess he does his job. Diddy may be very annoying, but there's no denying he has a huge role in the franchise, and probably helped push the series into mainstream success.

Why it was so successful that Diddy Kong got his own spinoff, 'Diddy Kong Racing', and it was shit. It was a cheap knockoff game from a cheap knockoff character and so was obviously doomed to failure. But subsequent appearances in 'Super Smash Bros.' have secured the status of this anthropomorphic sidekick. Again, he might not be the best character in the game, but his inclusion is a welcome one. I suppose it's tough living under the shadow of your much better relative, especially as he's a legendary villain, but Diddy hasn't done badly when all thing are considered. The two make quite a pairing, and they complement each others styles perfectly to ensure that there games are a barrel of fun.

#8 Agro (Shadow of the Colossus)

Best Outings: Shadow of the Colossus (8/10)

The only thing to keep you company on your epic quest. She stays loyal through the worst times, and in a world where human interactions don't exist she becomes your most loyal companion. I will say that the game is overrated; it's good, but nothing special. It does get very lonely sometimes, and I will admit that although the colossi are mesmerizing and the score is exemplary, the most interesting part of the game comes from your relationship with the horse. On occasion it does get to the stage where you think they're going to do it. In fact bestiality would of been a brilliant subplot in this otherwise barren game.

Agro is also pretty damn important; she serves as your only mode of transport, and the game would be almost impossible without her. She also acts as at least some sort of companionship, the fact that there is at least one other living thing takes this game just above the suicide inducing mark, as at least the bond between a lonely man and a female horse is sweet, even if there isn't much as much sexual chemistry as I would have wanted. This is the reason I chose this horse over the equally notorious Epona from 'The Legend of Zelda'. I never felt those two had the same bond that this duo do. Link always seemed to use his horse as a tool, not treating it like a living thing. His horse doesn't sacrifice itself either, which would end up being one of gaming's most memorable moments. Just an epic demise, not a dry eye in the house. That's when you can tell a sidekick is important.
 
#7 Rush (Mega Man)

Best Outings: Mega Man 3 (8/10), Mega Man 6 (7/10)

This sidekick does almost everything when compared with the petty workload of the actual protagonist. It's most useful feature is the ability to fly, which is both awesome and incredibly useful, and without it Mega Man would have perished ages ago. He also has a knack of turning up whenever you need him, which has proven very useful in your various battles with the evil Dr. Wily. He's been your loyal companion since Mega Man 3, and has appeared constantly ever since. Throughout that long lifespan he's done pretty much everything; he's turned into a jet, a submarine, and even a spaceship on one occasion. All this from a remarkably well trained dog. He might even be better than Mega Man himself, but there's no arguing that they make quite an awesome team.

#6 Kazooie (Banjo & Kazooie)

Best Outings: Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts (8/10), Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge (8/10)

Named after what is now my new favorite adjective, and something I'll now use to chat up the ladies. 'Kazooie', yes he really is named after an annoying musical instrument, is most famous for accompanying cartoon bears through various mysteries, all from the safety of a backpack. It's not just any backpack, this is one pretty awesome backpack as it's where Kazooie actually lives; mine is nothing compared to that, and the sheer disappointment on my face when I realise that I don't have a wisecracking bird living in it either.

My favorite thing about Kazooie is that he has virtually no purpose apart from bullying your enemies, and sometimes even the protagonist himself. His brilliant chemistry with the protagonist makes the otherwise standard game about a million times better. Taken out of context he may look like an egomaniacal bellend, but when he owns a character with one of his many one liners you can't help but laugh out loud. And even after this small contribution he gets his name in the title. What a sneaky little bastard.

#5 Clank (Ratchet & Clank)

Best Outings: Ratchet & Clank (9/10), Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal (9/10) 

This character's real name is the much less catchy XJ-0461, and is a small sentry robot that accompanies his partner 'Ratchet' as they explore various cartoon worlds together. The first thing that strikes you about this sweet little robot is that he's very knowledgeable, and this is only multiplied by that smooth and orgasmic British accent of his. It's a perfect accompaniment to his enjoyable wit, and this contributes to a believable persona, even down to believing that he can calculate the final digit of pi, which is a ripping good laugh for the target audience.

I just want one, there's something so brilliant about him, something you can't quite put your finger on. You just get the feeling that if he were in your life he would improve it a million times. His character is just so unique that he does feel human, which is a remarkable achievement for a robot. And I'm sorry Ratchet, but this guy makes the game. He might not do as much, but you can't possibly beat that signature laugh and those kick-ass moves. This guy really was one of the many highlights of my childhood.

#4 Luigi (Mario)

Best Outings: Super Mario Bros. (9/10), Luigi's Mansion (8/10)

We all know Luigi as the twin brother of everyone's favorite Italian plumber, a role it seems he can never shake off. It seems to me that Luigi is a character that's been rather forgotten by the Mario franchise, always destined to have that 'player two' role that any video character would hate to have. He has had some good standalone titles as well. 'Luigi's Mansion' was an excellent game and should of started a series of Luigi based games. But again, it's sole purpose was to help Mario. It seems Luigi can't go on an adventure himself without being in the shadow of his brother. He may lack the charisma that Mario does, but I much prefer his crazy and obnoxious persona to that of his generic brother. I do believe that Luigi deserves a lot of fame. After all, he is a significant part of the biggest franchise in gaming. But his weird and unattractive profile have already cemented his status. He may be even more underrated than Waluigi, but I don't think that's possible. 

#3 Yoshi (Mario)

Best Outings: Super Mario World (8/10), Mario Kart DS (10/10)

What could possibly beat the twin brother of a legendary plumber. Oh yes, a rideable dinosaur. Yes that's correct, a dinosaur that you can actually ride. How fucking awesome is that. This green bastard debuted in the very well received 'Super Mario World', where he would stay forever. I should just repeat that as Mario you do get to ride him, which is every bit as fun as it sounds. How could I possibly rate a friendly dinosaur lower than a creepy twin brother? He may not be a character of high importance in the series, but as a sidekick he is so much more useful.

His ascendance through the ranks is also the stuff of legend. From a simple mode of transport he has become one of the most loved characters in the series, surpassing all the other various sidekicks Mario has selfishly used. Who can resist riding on a dinosaur and swallowing your enemies whole? When I was a kid eating enemies and shitting them out as eggs was the most mindblowing and brilliant thing I had ever seen. How can anyone not be excited by that? And how can can anyone not love Yoshi as a character?

#2 Cortana (Halo)

Best Outings: Halo 3 (8/10), Halo 4 (7/10)

At first glance Cortana seems to be a typical video game AI. After all, she's very intelligent and instructs you on every element of the game. She also goes through one of those 'AI gaining human qualities' storyline that's on page one in the book of sci-fi cliches. But once you scratch the surface you get a much more interesting character than the majority of characters that are actually living. And these traits have got her a very large fanbase. So large is her popularity that Microsoft have even named their new voice activated system after her. It seems her influence has grown so large that she is starting to affect the company in real life as well as in the various works of fiction she appears in. Cortana is voiced by the fantastic actor Jen Taylor, who really knows how to bring her characters to life, especially considering Cortana is both fictional and artificial.

As a sidekick Cortana is also incredibly useful. Her main role is everything really, and she will often do the things that a computer would otherwise do, just with a friendly personality. And no I'm not going to spend the next paragraph talking about how attractive I think she is. She's a robot, not even a real one. If you're a hairy forty year old virgin that's great, but I prefer to merit Cortana on her personal accolades, not physical ones. Although having said that her sexual chemistry with Master Chief is something that drives the earlier games forward. She got a bit menstrual in the fourth installment, but it doesn't stop the fact that this very humane performance makes her such a brilliant sidekick, as well as being the most useful on the list.
 
#1 Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect)

Best Outings: Mass Effect 2 (10/10), Mass Effect 3 (10/10)

In my opinion this guy is possibly the greatest video game character of all time, he's just so awesome on every level. Garrus is a former Turian police officer who has helped Commander Shepard in the fight against the reapers in every single game of the trilogy, in fact he's only one of three characters in the game to have done that. In that time he has done pretty much everything there is to do. He's saved the galaxy on more than one occasion. He's survived a missile to the side of the face. And he's even survived a giant sentient machine landing on him. If that doesn't prove how awesome he is then I don't know what will.

I love the 'Mass Effect' universe, I think all the characters fit in together perfectly, and none more so than Vakarian. His unique yet believable character compliments your other squad mates brilliantly. He's almost the perfect sidekick, and when he's not hardscoping enemies from the other side of the planet he's cracking out one liners whilst recalibrating guns. The guy is quite simply a legend. His cold and calculated persona is both awesome and badass. he's always got an interesting anecdote to tell you, and best of all, he just seems like a nice guy; the sort of guy you would buy a pint for in the pub while you listen to his stories. I don't think any other sidekick oozes this much charisma, which is amazing for a character with an brutal and calm personality.

Music Review: Taylor Swift - 1989

I'm sorry to inform you that Taylor Swift has decided to release a new album, and unfortunately not gone into dystopian literature like the title may suggest. You may be thinking that we already know what it's going to be like, and you may be right, but this is the biggest album of the year, and 2014's only realistic chance of producing a platinum selling album. It's named after the year Taylor was born, which must have taken a long time to come up with considering its deep symbolic meaning. That, or she was a huge music fan at the ripe old age of two months. She claims that her inspiration came from the Madonna hit 'Like A Prayer', which was released in the year she was born, and claims that it's "legitimately one of the greatest pop songs of all time", which I would have to agree with. I think the song is arguably the best pop song of all time, and so there is at least a small beacon of hope at the end of the dark tunnel that is Taylor's album history.

I'd also like to comment on the album cover, or lack of one. I know it doesn't contribute to the quality of the album, but in a full review of this piece I thought I should mention it. I get that it's supposed to have that 'down to earth' amateur feel about it, but I just think it looks shoddy, like they forgot about it and had to make something up in two seconds. I understand that not every album can be a lavish work of art, but a little effort would have been much appreciated. After all, it's going on my shelf, and so it needs to look good, and compared to the masterpiece that is 'Sgt. Pepper' it just looks pathetic.

Taylor doesn't have the musical capabilities to write songs herself, and so she's teamed up with Max Martin, who has a long history with Taylor, previously writing some of her biggest hits. He was also the producer behind 'So What', which has to be one of the worst songs of all time, and so the fact that he still has a career infuriates me, especially considering the other piles of shite he's coordinated in the past few years. He brings with him the entity known only as 'Shellback', who is actually a person. Although finding that out made me shudder every time I heard its name. She hasn't got a much better history, managing to allow 'Moves Like Jagger' to be released. So it's a big shame that a sniper wasn't present on the day of recording. According to Swift it's her "first documented pop album", so I don't know what 'Red' was two years ago, but apparently it wasn't pop. This album also deals with personal issues surrounding Swift's life. Oh no wait, that's all of her fucking albums, and I've still got to find a way to give a shit about her everyday first world problems. I've somehow got to feel sympathetic despite her pathetic attitude and the fact that the songs can't be personal as she only wrote one of the bloody things on the whole fucking album. And It doesn't matter who you get help from, I just don't care.

I will give it to Taylor though, this is certainly a pop album. There may have been that underlying presence of artificial bullshit in her previous albums, but with this new album it really becomes prevalent. All the songs are built up around their massive hooks that will excite her irritating fans, and they come at you in a massive barrage of hardcore beats. Fuck pacing, who needs it, you're still digesting the last song when you get walloped by the next catchy chorus. We might decide to screw around with genres as well, but who needs them? This album is just 50 minutes of solid pop. I also can't recognize any of this '80's effect' that Taylor was banging on about. I might of actually enjoyed it a bit more if it had that synthpop vibe, but it just sounds like all of her previous material to me. The critics may absolutely love it, but a good album has to surpass the average mark, and this just doesn't do it for me. I mean just listen to the song above; 'Blank Space' is just Taylor Swift 101.

It just lacks that big hit, there isn't any anthems in this solid block of pop. The closest you come to one is 'Shake It Off', which although it's nothing special, is annoyingly catchy. The lyrics also confuse me, they have absolutely nothing to do with playing down 'haters', and just sort of linger like a fart in a cold room. It also strikes me as being flawed. Surely if you're brushing off the haters then there is no need to make a song about it. Maybe they are getting to here if she has to desperately construct a cheap feeling song in retaliation. Maybe a better idea would be for Taylor to stop advertising her whole social life in every single album she makes, so people aren't forced to comment on every aspect of her everyday actions. Although she didn't even write the damn songs so how they can represent her personal feelings is another matter, but plastering them throughout her work isn't exactly going to help.

This self centered approach is where the album starts to fall apart, and I find myself wondering if I really do care about her social life in any way. There doesn't seem to be any sort of passion for music; advertising yourself throughout the whole thing just shows that this album doesn't show Taylor's love of music, just a love for herself. It might work in terms of profit, and it almost certainly will, but just doing enough to get by with yet another artificial and soulless album isn't going to rate highly with me. This can be summed up best with the opening song 'Welcome To New York', which would be a good chance to create a song with at least a significant meaning. Nope, it's about her recent move to New York; why would I care about that? At least with the majority of tracks there is some basic meaning, and you may be thinking that I wouldn't moan about the amount of personal songs if it were a man singing it, but that would of course be very ignorant of you. You just don't see male artists doing this on every single fucking album, and whilst this is more to do with Taylor than a gender specific thing, it still doesn't excuse the astronomical list of Taylor Swift songs that are about breaking up with other boys. I get it Taylor, you don't need to keep repeating yourself.

The final song on the album, and what should be the epic crescendo, is a simple little number called 'Clean'. It struck me as a strange song to end on as it just sort of plods along at a very lethargic pace. But at least it sounds a little bit different, still nothing to get excited about, but it sounds good, and that's the important thing. It is a bit empty, but I think Swift's voice complements the slow rhythm perfectly, and not sounding too processed over the light dulcet tones in the background. It may well be the closest thing we get to a powerful anthem, and at least the lyrics have some meaning, but still something feels dull and lacking any excitement. It might actually be a bit rubbish, but don't tell the critics that as they fucking loved it. Overrated would be a word I would use to describe the critics reaction, as they somehow managed to find the good points in lackluster songs like 'Bad Blood', or the down tempo 'Wildest Dreams', that just end up sounding bland in my opinion. To me it ends up feeling like a collection of normal songs, and although I can see its appeal, it still doesn't really do anything for me. I would certainly never want to own a copy.

Overall I find that this huge album doesn't add anything new to the table. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, it satisfies the needs of the target market, but never stands out like a great album should. Maybe we should be giving the rookies a chance, there have been some great albums released this year by aspiring artists that are subsequently overlooked because of blockbuster mediocrity like this. It may well be better than her competitors, and although that isn't something particularly difficult, it does at least put this in pole position for the best modern pop album. Not that that excites me in any way. Will it last? probably not in a genre that has a very low lifespan. Does it take me back to 1989? No, not really, it just takes me back to Taylor's previous album, with this being just a little bit better.

Final Score: 6/10   ***

Top 10 Worst Video Game Launch Titles

I've already covered the best launch titles (http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/top-10-best-video-game-launch-titles.html), but now it's time for the games that didn't show the consoles strong points. These are the games that have thankfully been forgotten by history, and show us that having new equipment isn't necessarily a good thing.

#10 Donkey Kong Jr. Math (NES) (1986) (3/10)

Remember when solving basic maths problems was fun. Of course you don't, because it never has been, and certainly isn't when you attach a miniaturized anthropomorphic ape to the mix. Face it, it was doomed to begin with, I mean who the hell buys a console to help them solve simple arithmetic? Although I will give this game one thing, its failure meant no more crappy educational tie ins on Nintendo consoles. So in some ways, thank you for failing. But to be fair the basic gameplay is at least passable, there's nothing inherently wrong with the concept, and the aim is noble, but it just doesn't work when the gameplay is this boring. Give kids a chance to shoot bad guys or swing from vines to solve maths puzzles, and they will choose shooting every single time.

It's also quite sad how a legendary villain like Donkey Kong is forced to advertise mathematics to kids. One of gaming's ultimate villains was very nearly ruined by this game, and I'm pretty sure he would have been if anyone knew about this game, which thankfully they don't. It was not surprisingly the worst selling NES launch titles, being as no sane human being would ever want to play this, yet alone buy it. It's not particularly easy, and it's not particularly fun, so any chance of mainstream popularity was inevitably doomed, which is a shame, as educational games can be fun when made well. Just look at 'The Oregon Trail', an absolute masterpiece, and a perfect combination of strategy and education. Not like this woeful piece of crap.

#9 Kameo: Elements of Power (Xbox 360) (2005) (3/10)

I think I must be missing something here, the critics seem to love it, but I really can't see why, although they always have been suckers for sensual Japanese bollocks. The only good feature I can think of is the soundtrack, which is admittedly very good, but apart from that it's just all bad. For starters the story is a piece of dull, linear crap, which has no interest to me or anyone else. It's terribly written and lacks any quality to justify this game of its high review scores. The storyline also lasts for about 20 seconds, and has absolutely no replay value at all. Once you complete the story that's pretty much it, and you can flush those ten pound notes you saved up for down the toilet, as you just wasted every single one of them.

The most insulting thing about this game is that it was meant to be the new 'Legend of Zelda', which is both hilarious and tragic at the same time. To me they're not in the same universe. Everything that Zelda does this game manages a million times worse. And forget having iconic characters like Link and Ganondorf, no here we get a completely forgettable protagonist that sucks the already minimal energy out of the game. You could say that stupidly high ambitions ruined this game, as there is an average game trying to be noticed through all the crap, but its quite difficult when the game you're in just crumbled under the immense pressure. 

#8 Cruis'n USA (N64) (1998) (3/10)

Although this game was officially released a month after the console I will still allow it as it was always intended as a launch title. For whatever reason it was heavily delayed, and ended up feeling like an unpolished arcade port of a much superior game. The first thing that strikes you is just how bad it looks, even for 1998. The Nintendo 64 had some very powerful hardware, and so to just waste it all with some crappy graphics is not acceptable. look at other launch titles for the system, like Super Mario 64, and you can see what I'm talking about, the comparison is embarrassing.

It doesn't just look terrible, it also plays terribly, and has to be one of the worst driving games of all time. The list of cars is pathetic, there's four, and nothing you would ever want to drive in real life. The tracks are also really boring, and it's evident that little work has gone into them as most just consists of a few curves on an otherwise straight stretch of road. But setting your game in America doesn't exactly help your lame tracks, and so I suppose that's a plus for realism. The other thing this game did was launch the 'Cruis'n' series, which was notable for having five entries, and all of them are terrible. That really is something quite special, from a very special game, just not special in a good way. 

#7 Def Jam: Icon (PS3) (2007) (3/10)

What could be more fun than watching egotistical rappers beating each other up for no reason? I'll admit it's a concept that soulless morons will love, but for a person with at least a little intelligence I find it horrendous. If there was ever a game that glorified shitty music and pointless video game violence, it was this one. The worst thing is it comes from the makers of the 'Fight Night' franchise, who have previously produced three rounds of boxing games with excellent fighting mechanics, and unrivaled realism. I'll admit this game isn't focused on realism, but the fighting is woeful, and is both frustrating and tiresome, and the only thing other than fighting is the shitty rap music. I guess playing this game is like watching the UK panel show 'Celebrity Juice' in that it's both shit and really easy to find the cunts. And it's all thanks to this hip hop culture with its endless ranks of talentless wankers, how much more fun would it be to see Mozart and Bach going at it.

#6 Red Steel (Wii) (2006) (3/10)

The game we all saw coming, this is the moment that a serious game could become successful within this new era of motion controls. Sounds great in theory doesn't it? But as we all know, it was a case of too much, too young, too fast. I will admit the sequel was much better, and that was mainly due to it dropping its motion based mechanics. But that has no impact on this game, and that's a shame, because this hopeless game was a good idea in practice. But ridiculous glitches and lack of fluid and reliable mechanics made sure that this was a disaster. Some people still think the control system works well, but there is no excuse for a mechanic that makes the user feel completely disconnected from the character they're supposedly controlling. This game isn't really based on deadly samurais, it's more a drunk and floundering brawler.
 
#5 Street Fighter: The Movie (Saturn) (1995) (2/10)

This is a very interesting game, as it's based on a movie of the same name, and also happens to be a port of 'Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo'. This makes it a cheap ripoff of a bad film, that's a cheap ripoff of an average port, that's a cheap ripoff of a brilliant game, and also the most confusing episode of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' ever. What could possibly go wrong? A lot as it happens, and its horrific digitized graphics are the least of its problems. I mean just look at it, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was a cheap ripoff of 'Mortal Kombat', but we've already been through that. Who thought those characters looked good? I love Jean Claude Van Damme, but looking at him playing Guille is just all wrong.

It's also lost the things that made the original game so fun to play. The combat now runs at a very slow pace, and it's all very samey, which may be due to the horrible Saturn controller, but most likely lazy programming. It's just not 'Street Fighter', where are my iconic movesets? Where are the iconic themes and characters? And who the hell are the people that thought this showed off the best of the Saturn? It's just an all round nightmare to play. Something that 'Street Fighter' should never be.

#4 Cybermorph (Jaguar) (1993) (1/10)

Oh god, I love free roam games, but not when they're made like this. The word 'roam' must have been the favorite of the developers as there is just nothing to do anywhere, and the wasted space isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing. The game takes the form of a 3D space shooter, that's set on a planet where everything looks hideous, or a poor man's 'Star Fox' as it should be called. I guess it was 1993, but surely those graphics could have been touched up a little. They were alright for their time, but now it just makes you vomit. Who would possibly want to play a free roam game and then forced to look down on a dull and horrid block of nothingness?

It's just so boring, there is nothing to do, and when you do find something it's either the same thing you did five minutes ago or some impossibly hard challenge made even worse by the hopeless control scheme. But the worst thing by an absolute mile is that green fucking computer in the top right hand corner. It has zero personality, but yet thinks it appropriate to comment on your every move in the same monotone and annoying voice. It's not as if it adds anything useful, and it's made worse by saying the same thing over and over again until your ears start bleeding. I started crying when I got stuck in one of countless ugly, blocky mountains, and the thing must have said "where did you learn to fly?" about five million times, all whilst looking at some vile cesspit that somehow passed for a map. It sent me insane, it's just a horrific experience that nobody should be forced to endure. I'll even give you a taster below soy you can experience my pain. Make sure you watch the whole thing, and then thank me later from your new cell in Broadmoor.

#3 Perfect Dark Zero (Xbox 360) (2005) (6/10)

Now don't get me wrong, as a game this isn't too bad, as a launch title it's horrendous, and manages to show all the bad points about new console releases. The prequel to this game was actually a Nintendo 64 game, and a very popular one at that, so Microsoft naturally busted their ass to get the new one exclusively for their console, which not only put the game under a lot of pressure, but also meant it had to be put through development hell in the process. Five years was the total time. It was originally meant to be an Xbox title, but a neat trailer made it seem like everything was still on the right track. Of course in the end the final result serves as an example of what forcing releases does to a game, as the quality was a mere shadow of its former glory. A cult classic was instantly ruined by just shoddy, and at some points, amateur mistakes.

A launch title is meant to show off the capabilities of the new generation, and this not only looked like a piece of shit, but also played like one too, with a poor single player campaign that suffered from a boring storyline and some terrible voice acting. Don't even get me started on the AI, who were probably not even programmed before launch. So in the end the legacy of this game was down to the multiplayer, something that was made possible thanks to the revolutionary Xbox Live. It wasn't all bad, and at times was quite enjoyable. But lack of balancing in some areas meant that fun games were quickly abused by people exploiting its many flaws, namely the invincible forward roll of certain death. It's just a game that came along at the wrong time, who knows, at some other time, and with a little more attention to detail, it may well have been a 'Halo' beater. 

#2 Happy Feet (Wii) (2006) (0/10)

This is a superficial pick, in reality it could apply to any of those kids games that have no benefit apart from giving the developers a guaranteed profit with minimal effort. I chose 'Happy Feet' because the film is, well we'll say shit, but that might be being a bit generous. Not that the film affects the game in any way, in theory it could be attached to any film and nothing would change, and it would still have no redeeming qualities to anyone. Everything is just terrible, why anyone would enjoy playing the same boring mini-games again and again is beyond me. I think even the target audience would get fed up with it eventually, and the chances are you've already seen the film, so playing through it is completely pointless. It's a shame that the Wii has become this graveyard for soulless kids games like this one, and to think it showed so much promise in its early years, and you can thank this game for its downfall.

#1 Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: Make My Video (SEGA CD) (1992) (-15000/10)

It just couldn't be anything else, this might be the worst game of all time, because it just isn't one. I don't really know what SEGA had in mind, promoting your new console's capabilities with something that isn't even a video game isn't really a sound strategy. The only thing the player can do in this game is pick a few options to make Marky Mark's crappy song that much worse, and then forces you to watch atrocity that you just created, almost mocking you whilst doing it, showing you how low your life has become. The most amazing thing about this game is that it costs real money, all for editing a music video. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable, and once you've made one video that's pretty much it, surely nobody could face the pain of making a second video. Who would possibly want to make another video after watching their monstrosity of a 'creation' come to life in the first place?

But that's not even the worst part, the worst is when you finish the game, and it then forces you to listen to the actual song. If you haven't heard Mark Wahlberg rap then it can be easily summed up by imagining it as everything wrong with the 1990's condensed into one voice. You could just listen to it on YouTube, but you can't relate to the experience of having been forced to make a music video that in no way complements the song, and only manages to push you to the brink of suicide. To that extent their is a purpose to this game, and it does make you seriously consider your life. There aren't many times when it gets as low as this, and all your problems can suddenly vanish if you just press the power button. It's strange to think that gaming's lowest moment came about as a launch title, but all it manages to do is advertise the new console as a pile of steaming shit.  

Morons of the Internet: Harassment (04/11/14)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

In this edition we have an article in response to that viral video that aims to spread awareness of street harassment, or so it may seem. So let's have a look at this persons take on a potentially serious issue. 

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http://www.bustle.com/articles/46527-6-things-you-might-not-think-are-harassment-but-definitely-are-because-apparently-we-need-to
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A
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6 Things You Might Not Think Are Harassment But Definitely Are (Because Apparently We Need To Clear A Few Things Up)


You know what, I guess 'we', that must be the royal we, do need to clear a few things up, because I always thought that the many internet encyclopedias were terrible at giving out information, and that we should instead be sourcing our information from opinionated blogs like this one, especially when the author doesn't understand title case. According to Wikipedia, what distinguishes harassment is "an action that is meant to or happens to cause discomfort for the victim." So I guess that's the main thing cleared up already, not sure why we need a whole essay about it. This debate came about over a video that recently went viral showing a girl being verbally harassed around the streets of Manhattan by young men. There were admittedly some pretty creepy comments, but the vast majority seemed to be complimentary. In my opinion there were very few that could actually be classed as harassment, with the majority having the simple goal of trying to flatter the girl, something that this author doesn't agree with.  

So to try and prove her point she starts with a well known fact. Apparently "women are victims of sexual violence every single day", and of course we get a reliable source to back up this claim. Oh no, we don't, all this tells you is that it's not a factual argument, it's just the opinionated horseshit of one ignorant blogger. Where have I seen that before? Why even in the next paragraph the feminist Steven Hawking claims that women have a sixth sense, which I surprisingly couldn't find anything about on the internet, and it really makes you question whether this article is serious or not. But you know "we hear stories of sexual assault on a near daily basis", which is obvious considering it's the news, and not Countryfile. There's also daily stories about Ebola, but I would like to think I'm intelligent enough to know that that doesn't affect my everyday life, and the event is thankfully very rare, and does not reflect reality. But what does the author suggest we do with this harrowing issue, go back to the middle ages of course. If a man is threatening a women by speaking to her uninvited then logically it can be assumed that he first needs permission to speak with her, which is ludicrous. I would like to think modern society has progressed far enough so that people are freely allowed to speak with each other, but this author seems to be content with just playing lords and ladies.

Now I don't want people to think that I'm completely dismissing this issue, I think harassment is a key issue in modern society, and even some statistics suggest that over half of women are harassed on a weekly basis. I also find myself in a disposition here as I regularly compliment people in the street, whether it be how they look or how much I admire their beard. I'd like to think that this makes them feel good about themselves, but this piece has put me in a catch 22. Surely if I don't compliment people as they haven't invited me to do so, like this author is suggesting, then I will branded an unpleasant person, but then if I do compliment them I'm 'harassing' them, so I can't possibly win. I also don't think my actions should be judged based on one video clip that has been heavily edited, and this to applies to those 'crotch cam' videos aimed at uncovering women. These videos have been commissioned by a harassment charity, and so it's obviously going to be biased. By only seeing about three minutes of a ten hour experiment we can't see what actually happens, and with only one piece of footage there really isn't any point to be made, for all we know it could have been an isolated case.

We now actually begin with the misconceptions, and wow are there some weak points here. Yep, apparently telling people to smile is very bad. I know I wasn't aware of that either, but by the sound of the author it's like the man is forcing her to smile at gunpoint. When somebody tells you to smile it's not a command, it's just a suggestion, nobody is forcing you to do anything and so I find this point completely irrelevant. It doesn't help that she only has her own ignorance to back the point up, and as a pretty docile person myself I can reliably inform our author that I've been told to smile more a lot of times by both genders. This article has the undertone that men dictate women's lives, which is just bogus, especially considering the weakness of the points on display here. In my evaluation of her article I'm not forcing the lady to change her opinion, I'm just suggesting that she might be a misguided and ignorant moron, which is exactly the opposite of her style. In her eyes men are the route of all problems, that she has decided thanks to a three minute long video that somehow becomes a reliable sample of just under half the world's population.

But to be fair to her there are some valid points in here too, there still not backed up by anything reliable, but at least she's on to something. Her only source, the video, does show some borderline criminal behavior that I would certainly define as harassment, but jumping to conclusions doesn't help her case. You can't just attribute a radical theory to something with one source, and not even a reliable one at that. I could turn the tables on this one and ask her how you can attribute this issue to a whole gender when it doesn't apply to the majority of people in the video? If you watch most of the men in the video you will see they do absolutely nothing, so how can you possibly know it's a gender issue, more likely it's due to the individual. But now I've made a point I need to back it up with evidence, something that the author could learn. In 2014 'Stop Street Harassment' found that 6% of women experienced harassment on a daily basis, that's only 1% more than men surveyed in the same study, and in that one sentence I've already made a more valid point than during the whole of this article. For another view on this I suggest watching the 'Family Guy' episode titled 'Peter-assment', which will give you a much better interpretation of harassment than in this article, and that's coming from a satirical cartoon.   

Her final point is just ludicrous. You can see for yourself that the majority of men in the video get the message when she doesn't respond to them, admittedly one or two still pursue, which I admit is a bit creepy, but I'm sure just a simple sentence would have sent them away. After all, if you yell loud enough someone will eventually see what all the fuss is about, even if that happens to be rejection. I just don't like how these comments with good intentions have been blown so wildly out of proportion, and it does seem to be targeted at a minority. Ask yourself this; Are 'The Beatles' harassing women for simply wanting to hold their hand? Is Roy Orbison wrong for commenting on a pretty woman walking down the street? And can we really take an argument seriously with a person who comments "LOL forever" on a serious point. I'm just done after that phrase, it makes me physically sick just looking at it, and at when could that ever be considered appropriate. It's just nice to know that the author enjoys making jokes out of other people's suffering, which is a bit like me I suppose, except I'm not trying to do it whilst making a serious statement.

Irrelevant would be the word I would use to sum up this article, no matter whether you think the author is right or wrong you cannot jump to conclusions when you have no evidence apart from yourself to back it up, which by the way is not a reliable source. At least in my argument I included the one source, which is one more than her. It might not be enough to come to my own conclusions, but it's miles ahead of whatever crap she came out with. Putting causation on extraneous points is not how to formulate an argument, and you end up looking a bit of a moron if you do decide to. How's that dear, I didn't compliment you like you said, but at least I was sincere.

Morons of the Internet: Jessica Valenti (02/11/14)

This is the segment where I scour my favorite forums around the internet and find some particularly interesting articles about current affairs told in the words from some of my favorite human beings.

In this edition we return to our old friend Jessica Valenti, who has decided to write a piece about 'Gamergate', something that she clearly has no idea about.
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http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/21/gamergate-angry-men-harassing-women?CMP=twt_gu
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Gamergate is loud, dangerous and a last grasp at cultural dominance by angry white men

This article is a strange one. I have seen many arguments bought up around 'Gamergate' in the past few weeks, but now our very well informed journalist here is suggesting that the situation may have come from cultural dominance. Not about ethics or gaming, no this issue is clearly based around cultural dominance. This means she is comparing 'Gamergate' to the eradication of Native American society, since that's probably the best example of a dominant culture becoming prevalent throughout history. That resulted in the social decay of American society and the destruction of a significant culture, I'm not really seeing those issues with 'Gamergate', it's just a few winy feminists getting some backlash, which to be fair was always going to happen.

It's instantly clear that this article has nothing to do with the issues surrounding 'Gamergate', it's just another excuse for Valenti to bang on about how she hates the generalized view of white male society, and so she of course makes it clear that women who aren't even journalists are the completely innocent victims here. But she is a journalist, so even her own rules don't apply to this rant. We've already lost the idea of cultural dominance in the introduction, this point is based on targeting outspoken women, which when I last checked wasn't a culture. This might actually be a more appropriate argument than cultural dominance, since the 'Gamergate' movement is clearly targeting outspoken women, and not a stereotyped race and gender. I also love the "unwelcoming future" part. It seems Mystic Meg here can see through time itself, to a time when all men bow down to the power of radical feminism, but then it might just be her talking utter bullshit. Although time travel might be a more valid point than anything else on this article.

Just how very dare you label 'Gamergate' a gaming problem, I mean what's the logic in that, there is absolutely zero chance that it has anything to do with games. Which of course it does, you can't get away from that, and attaching a hashtag to something makes no difference on the actual subject. I'm still not scared about Ebola, even after the many hashtags that have been circulating the internet, and the same can be applied to the issues in this argument. I also love the "toxic" misinformation line, because there is zero misinformation in this article. Even in the previous paragraph Valenti mentioned how Anita Sarkeesian was "forced" to cancel a talk recently despite the fact that the local police said there was "no risks to students." (http://www.usu.edu/ust/index.cfm?article=54179) I don't know who to believe here, Valenti, who made a point lacking any context, or the police, who actually handled the situation first hand. But then maybe classing this article as information may be going a step too far, being as most of it is just wild generalization. At the end of this paragraph we even discover that the defining feature of a white male is threatening behavior and harassment, which I surprisingly couldn't find any evidence for on the internet. So how Valenti can argue that misinformation pollutes society is beyond belief.

Apparently it's now even "a dangerous time for women", as opposed to the middle ages when the threat of the black death and the occasional witch trial would ensure your safety. It seems to Valenti that no matter how much her life improves it still isn't enough. A women's life has probably improved by a factor of about a million times in the last hundred years, but Valenti wants all the power instantly, especially if it means taking down that evil patriarchy. But what is she going to do about it? Nothing. Not once throughout this whole article does she ever contemplate a solution, she just tries to find the faults in her usual fashion, which doesn't help the situation in the slightest. For once why not actually do something beneficial, then maybe you will get support from men. I've been around long enough to know that if you treat someone like crap, they're not going to bend over backwards for you, so it comes as no surprise that men do hate these very informative articles on the internet, that are written so lovingly by some of the world's top unbiased journalists.

But there is no denying that Valenti is linked with 'Gamergate', why in 2007 she even wrote an article about the generic term of misogyny, and this piece has absolutely nothing to do with video games or ethics. It even came years before 'Gamergate', so how she can claim it is in some way related to video games is ludicrous. For that matter what has this paragraph, and the rest of the article for that matter, got to do with the original topic. I don't care how many unbiased and unrelated sources you throw at me, it still doesn't get away from the fact that you haven't a clue what you're talking about, and one persons ramblings isn't going to change my view on the subject. Valenti even has the cheek to put a quote based on "judging each other based on gender or race" in her article, which is pretty rich coming from somebody who's been doing that for the last five paragraphs. It seems that Valenti is just as bad as the people in question. It's not about justice or equality, it's about cultural dominance, the very thing she hopes to eradicate. 

We did eventually get to that conclusion, although what that has to do with the issue of ethics in video games is another question. We seem to be getting the same argument of female oppression that we always get with Valenti's articles, just this time with a different title and a weak link to current affairs. The rest, well it's just crap that is unbelievably manipulative and opinionated, and to be honest I'm amazed this piece of drivel even gets past publishing. I don't know what the purpose of this article is, and targeting one subculture isn't going to achieve anything. I just wish she would stop it, for the good of everyone.