Top 10 Worst Video Game Launch Titles

I've already covered the best launch titles (http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/top-10-best-video-game-launch-titles.html), but now it's time for the games that didn't show the consoles strong points. These are the games that have thankfully been forgotten by history, and show us that having new equipment isn't necessarily a good thing.

#10 Donkey Kong Jr. Math (NES) (1986) (3/10)

Remember when solving basic maths problems was fun. Of course you don't, because it never has been, and certainly isn't when you attach a miniaturized anthropomorphic ape to the mix. Face it, it was doomed to begin with, I mean who the hell buys a console to help them solve simple arithmetic? Although I will give this game one thing, its failure meant no more crappy educational tie ins on Nintendo consoles. So in some ways, thank you for failing. But to be fair the basic gameplay is at least passable, there's nothing inherently wrong with the concept, and the aim is noble, but it just doesn't work when the gameplay is this boring. Give kids a chance to shoot bad guys or swing from vines to solve maths puzzles, and they will choose shooting every single time.

It's also quite sad how a legendary villain like Donkey Kong is forced to advertise mathematics to kids. One of gaming's ultimate villains was very nearly ruined by this game, and I'm pretty sure he would have been if anyone knew about this game, which thankfully they don't. It was not surprisingly the worst selling NES launch titles, being as no sane human being would ever want to play this, yet alone buy it. It's not particularly easy, and it's not particularly fun, so any chance of mainstream popularity was inevitably doomed, which is a shame, as educational games can be fun when made well. Just look at 'The Oregon Trail', an absolute masterpiece, and a perfect combination of strategy and education. Not like this woeful piece of crap.

#9 Kameo: Elements of Power (Xbox 360) (2005) (3/10)

I think I must be missing something here, the critics seem to love it, but I really can't see why, although they always have been suckers for sensual Japanese bollocks. The only good feature I can think of is the soundtrack, which is admittedly very good, but apart from that it's just all bad. For starters the story is a piece of dull, linear crap, which has no interest to me or anyone else. It's terribly written and lacks any quality to justify this game of its high review scores. The storyline also lasts for about 20 seconds, and has absolutely no replay value at all. Once you complete the story that's pretty much it, and you can flush those ten pound notes you saved up for down the toilet, as you just wasted every single one of them.

The most insulting thing about this game is that it was meant to be the new 'Legend of Zelda', which is both hilarious and tragic at the same time. To me they're not in the same universe. Everything that Zelda does this game manages a million times worse. And forget having iconic characters like Link and Ganondorf, no here we get a completely forgettable protagonist that sucks the already minimal energy out of the game. You could say that stupidly high ambitions ruined this game, as there is an average game trying to be noticed through all the crap, but its quite difficult when the game you're in just crumbled under the immense pressure. 

#8 Cruis'n USA (N64) (1998) (3/10)

Although this game was officially released a month after the console I will still allow it as it was always intended as a launch title. For whatever reason it was heavily delayed, and ended up feeling like an unpolished arcade port of a much superior game. The first thing that strikes you is just how bad it looks, even for 1998. The Nintendo 64 had some very powerful hardware, and so to just waste it all with some crappy graphics is not acceptable. look at other launch titles for the system, like Super Mario 64, and you can see what I'm talking about, the comparison is embarrassing.

It doesn't just look terrible, it also plays terribly, and has to be one of the worst driving games of all time. The list of cars is pathetic, there's four, and nothing you would ever want to drive in real life. The tracks are also really boring, and it's evident that little work has gone into them as most just consists of a few curves on an otherwise straight stretch of road. But setting your game in America doesn't exactly help your lame tracks, and so I suppose that's a plus for realism. The other thing this game did was launch the 'Cruis'n' series, which was notable for having five entries, and all of them are terrible. That really is something quite special, from a very special game, just not special in a good way. 

#7 Def Jam: Icon (PS3) (2007) (3/10)

What could be more fun than watching egotistical rappers beating each other up for no reason? I'll admit it's a concept that soulless morons will love, but for a person with at least a little intelligence I find it horrendous. If there was ever a game that glorified shitty music and pointless video game violence, it was this one. The worst thing is it comes from the makers of the 'Fight Night' franchise, who have previously produced three rounds of boxing games with excellent fighting mechanics, and unrivaled realism. I'll admit this game isn't focused on realism, but the fighting is woeful, and is both frustrating and tiresome, and the only thing other than fighting is the shitty rap music. I guess playing this game is like watching the UK panel show 'Celebrity Juice' in that it's both shit and really easy to find the cunts. And it's all thanks to this hip hop culture with its endless ranks of talentless wankers, how much more fun would it be to see Mozart and Bach going at it.

#6 Red Steel (Wii) (2006) (3/10)

The game we all saw coming, this is the moment that a serious game could become successful within this new era of motion controls. Sounds great in theory doesn't it? But as we all know, it was a case of too much, too young, too fast. I will admit the sequel was much better, and that was mainly due to it dropping its motion based mechanics. But that has no impact on this game, and that's a shame, because this hopeless game was a good idea in practice. But ridiculous glitches and lack of fluid and reliable mechanics made sure that this was a disaster. Some people still think the control system works well, but there is no excuse for a mechanic that makes the user feel completely disconnected from the character they're supposedly controlling. This game isn't really based on deadly samurais, it's more a drunk and floundering brawler.
 
#5 Street Fighter: The Movie (Saturn) (1995) (2/10)

This is a very interesting game, as it's based on a movie of the same name, and also happens to be a port of 'Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo'. This makes it a cheap ripoff of a bad film, that's a cheap ripoff of an average port, that's a cheap ripoff of a brilliant game, and also the most confusing episode of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' ever. What could possibly go wrong? A lot as it happens, and its horrific digitized graphics are the least of its problems. I mean just look at it, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was a cheap ripoff of 'Mortal Kombat', but we've already been through that. Who thought those characters looked good? I love Jean Claude Van Damme, but looking at him playing Guille is just all wrong.

It's also lost the things that made the original game so fun to play. The combat now runs at a very slow pace, and it's all very samey, which may be due to the horrible Saturn controller, but most likely lazy programming. It's just not 'Street Fighter', where are my iconic movesets? Where are the iconic themes and characters? And who the hell are the people that thought this showed off the best of the Saturn? It's just an all round nightmare to play. Something that 'Street Fighter' should never be.

#4 Cybermorph (Jaguar) (1993) (1/10)

Oh god, I love free roam games, but not when they're made like this. The word 'roam' must have been the favorite of the developers as there is just nothing to do anywhere, and the wasted space isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing. The game takes the form of a 3D space shooter, that's set on a planet where everything looks hideous, or a poor man's 'Star Fox' as it should be called. I guess it was 1993, but surely those graphics could have been touched up a little. They were alright for their time, but now it just makes you vomit. Who would possibly want to play a free roam game and then forced to look down on a dull and horrid block of nothingness?

It's just so boring, there is nothing to do, and when you do find something it's either the same thing you did five minutes ago or some impossibly hard challenge made even worse by the hopeless control scheme. But the worst thing by an absolute mile is that green fucking computer in the top right hand corner. It has zero personality, but yet thinks it appropriate to comment on your every move in the same monotone and annoying voice. It's not as if it adds anything useful, and it's made worse by saying the same thing over and over again until your ears start bleeding. I started crying when I got stuck in one of countless ugly, blocky mountains, and the thing must have said "where did you learn to fly?" about five million times, all whilst looking at some vile cesspit that somehow passed for a map. It sent me insane, it's just a horrific experience that nobody should be forced to endure. I'll even give you a taster below soy you can experience my pain. Make sure you watch the whole thing, and then thank me later from your new cell in Broadmoor.

#3 Perfect Dark Zero (Xbox 360) (2005) (6/10)

Now don't get me wrong, as a game this isn't too bad, as a launch title it's horrendous, and manages to show all the bad points about new console releases. The prequel to this game was actually a Nintendo 64 game, and a very popular one at that, so Microsoft naturally busted their ass to get the new one exclusively for their console, which not only put the game under a lot of pressure, but also meant it had to be put through development hell in the process. Five years was the total time. It was originally meant to be an Xbox title, but a neat trailer made it seem like everything was still on the right track. Of course in the end the final result serves as an example of what forcing releases does to a game, as the quality was a mere shadow of its former glory. A cult classic was instantly ruined by just shoddy, and at some points, amateur mistakes.

A launch title is meant to show off the capabilities of the new generation, and this not only looked like a piece of shit, but also played like one too, with a poor single player campaign that suffered from a boring storyline and some terrible voice acting. Don't even get me started on the AI, who were probably not even programmed before launch. So in the end the legacy of this game was down to the multiplayer, something that was made possible thanks to the revolutionary Xbox Live. It wasn't all bad, and at times was quite enjoyable. But lack of balancing in some areas meant that fun games were quickly abused by people exploiting its many flaws, namely the invincible forward roll of certain death. It's just a game that came along at the wrong time, who knows, at some other time, and with a little more attention to detail, it may well have been a 'Halo' beater. 

#2 Happy Feet (Wii) (2006) (0/10)

This is a superficial pick, in reality it could apply to any of those kids games that have no benefit apart from giving the developers a guaranteed profit with minimal effort. I chose 'Happy Feet' because the film is, well we'll say shit, but that might be being a bit generous. Not that the film affects the game in any way, in theory it could be attached to any film and nothing would change, and it would still have no redeeming qualities to anyone. Everything is just terrible, why anyone would enjoy playing the same boring mini-games again and again is beyond me. I think even the target audience would get fed up with it eventually, and the chances are you've already seen the film, so playing through it is completely pointless. It's a shame that the Wii has become this graveyard for soulless kids games like this one, and to think it showed so much promise in its early years, and you can thank this game for its downfall.

#1 Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: Make My Video (SEGA CD) (1992) (-15000/10)

It just couldn't be anything else, this might be the worst game of all time, because it just isn't one. I don't really know what SEGA had in mind, promoting your new console's capabilities with something that isn't even a video game isn't really a sound strategy. The only thing the player can do in this game is pick a few options to make Marky Mark's crappy song that much worse, and then forces you to watch atrocity that you just created, almost mocking you whilst doing it, showing you how low your life has become. The most amazing thing about this game is that it costs real money, all for editing a music video. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable, and once you've made one video that's pretty much it, surely nobody could face the pain of making a second video. Who would possibly want to make another video after watching their monstrosity of a 'creation' come to life in the first place?

But that's not even the worst part, the worst is when you finish the game, and it then forces you to listen to the actual song. If you haven't heard Mark Wahlberg rap then it can be easily summed up by imagining it as everything wrong with the 1990's condensed into one voice. You could just listen to it on YouTube, but you can't relate to the experience of having been forced to make a music video that in no way complements the song, and only manages to push you to the brink of suicide. To that extent their is a purpose to this game, and it does make you seriously consider your life. There aren't many times when it gets as low as this, and all your problems can suddenly vanish if you just press the power button. It's strange to think that gaming's lowest moment came about as a launch title, but all it manages to do is advertise the new console as a pile of steaming shit.