DJ Fresh vs Jay Fay ft Ms Dynamite - Dibby Dibby Sound
I think you can probably already tell the verdict on this one, but here we go anyway. DJ Fresh is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet having a resume that is probably as good on paper as Adolf Hitler's. His collection of utter shit can only be improved therefore by the amazing Ms Dynamite. Oh no wait sorry it's not amazing is it, because as far as I can work out she has done absolutely nothing of any value, ever. The versus is interesting as that means it's a remix of Jay Fay's version of the song which upon closer inspection manages to be even worse, so well done DJ Fresh you've taken out some of the shit, but there's still a lot leftover. To be honest this Jay Fay person doesn't even have a Wikipedia page so he must have achieved even less in life than Ms Dynamite which I suppose is an achievement in itself.
Dibby isn't actually a word in the English language but according to the Urban Dictionary it is "Cool in a strange, weird, random way." I don't know much about cool, as to be fair I still think Marlon Brando is cool, and he died nearly 10 years ago. Despite my blurred ideas of this so called thing known as cool, I don't think this song garners that status, it should be classed as incredibly annoying, it gets stuck right in your head and never leaves. The song is as expected, repetitive crap followed by an annoying soundtrack and no real progression, it just ends up where it started by repeating dibby five thousand times. The actual song sounds like a Jamaican street party gone wrong and the tune is all over the place with the occasional interruption from Ms Dynamite to do her impression of a women throwing up. It just seems like someone has pressed the repeat button on a computer so it just repeats a pile of shit over and over again. Repetitive would be an understatement. I'm definitely going to enjoy reading through the thoughtless and predictably shallow lyrics which were actually quite hard to find, but here is the best that I could come up with:
Let me tell you about this give it up
Dibby Sound
Yo people
Original badman sound
Dynamite baby
And DJ Fresh
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Sound
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Sound
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Sound
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Sound
Interesting I didn't know bad men made sounds but maybe that's just me, I often thought they just made the same noises as everyone else in my funny little world. I never understood why the artists need to identify themselves before the song, it's not as if it's going to be a shock, I know it's them I clicked on the bloody link that clearly had their names in the title. Speaking of annoying, it has begun, and the spellchecker goes absolutely mad, as it is isn't actually a word. Can't think of a word, well why not make one up, creativity, or probably laziness actually. This segment looks long and trust me it is, it just doesn't stop.
Are you ready?
Check this out
Shelted your hands high
Lock and loaded ready to vibe
Bad vibes we tell them bye bye
Follow me follow me right now
Jump
Don't ask rhetorical questions in a song especially if it's as mundane as that. According to the internet 'shelted' means paying a premium price for a beer imported by the Shelton Brothers. That probably isn't what it means in this context as they've probably just made it up like the rest but how am I supposed to know what it means, it hasn't been given a context, you could just replace it with anything and the song wouldn't change. Ha, telling bad vibes bye bye, oh the irony. Why don't you just fuck off.
Get cool now
Jump up and twist
Bad girls we do it like this
Jump so high now you can't resist
Follow me follow me high
We come so big and heavy
See myself so cool and deadly
They can't stop us they ain't ready
Follow me follow me right now
Jump
Who's they, there has been no mention of any third party throughout the song so who it is is anybody's guess. The rest of this is just pointless drivel that just seems to be there as a placeholder, much like the rest of this song.
Won't stop me got the vibe now
They so big we knock them right down
All your get them higher
Follow me follow me right now
Your sound is a
(Endless Dibbying)
Oh fuck me, yet more endless dibbying with shallow pointless crap in between.
At this point I would usually display the rest of the lyrics, but they just repeat themselves. Fuck Me. Why did I even bother.
Overall this song is hopeless, usually with these reviews I enjoy analyzing the lyrics to find a deeper meaning, but with this it seems nobody can be bothered. So if they can't be bothered neither can I, fucking hopeless.
This is my personal little award ceremony for promoting the minor achievements in gaming that never really get the recognition they deserve in the big award ceremonies that never actually focus on the categories that matter. So let's begin with our first category:
Crysis 2 Award For Worst Menu Music
This is a huge section in any video game, anyone who buys the game has to sit through this every time they start the game and so getting it right is imperative, but sometimes they don't as these entrants show. The nominees are as follows:
NHL 14: A game that usually gets it right but for some reason decided not to bother this year. The bands featured are usually household names but this year they forgot to ring any so we're left with obscure crap that's just annoying. GTA V: This game takes a while to load and therefore needs good background music to keep you satisfied. GTA IV had a very apt theme and so it came as a disappointment when the GTA V theme was so bland. Frustrating.
But the winner by an absolute mile is: FIFA 14
All the songs in this game can be defined into two categories which is either wub wub wub wub or mur mur mur mur which in English means shit and boring. There isn't a single song that stands out apart from the incredibly shit Get Down by Amplify Dot which may be in contention for worst song of the year. FIFA has a history of good menu music and so this year comes as a big disappointment.
Kinect Award For Biggest Waste Of An Idea
The history of gaming is littered with great ideas that just ended up being a massive let down. In this category we give the developers a pat on the back and say better luck next time, that's assuming there is a next time. The nominees are:
Assassins Creed IV: Abstergo used to be a scary corporation but now they make holidays. Beyond: Two Souls: I liked Heavy Rain and so this one came as an insult, shallow and boring would be an understatement. SimCity: MMOs are the future of gaming, just not in this way. Never has SimCity been considered a multiplayer game. The multiplayer is good, but mandatory, no thank you.
But the winner is: Need For Speed Rivals
Damn, I liked Hot Pursuit an awful lot and so when I heard there was a reboot I was hyped, as after all that is a fantastic idea. The MMO style of the game has been toyed with before by racing games, such as the Test Drive series but it didn't work in this game, everything that did work was blatantly copied off Forza Horizon. Piers Morgan Award For Most Annoying Noise
Some noises in gaming are amazing, from the pulse rifle in the Alien franchise to the sound effects on Pinball for the XP, great noises can create great games. But sometimes the sound becomes annoying, insufferable, much like Piers Morgan and this award is to celebrate that, if that's the right word to use. The nominees are:
Tomb Raider: Lara's endless crying and moaning got on my nerves, not really Tomb Raider is it. The Xbox One Advert: That fucking advert that appears on YouTube with its shitty music, it's not even a good advert and it comes on EVERY time. Call Of Duty Ghosts: The missions where the name Riley is said every two fucking seconds.
But the winner: Battlefield 4
Those fucking alarms on Lancang Dam that spray out an annoying Chinese voice every three seconds over and over and over again, it has got to the stage where I refuse to play that map as even cutting the power out doesn't seem to shut her up. To be honest I would rather just drown than listen to her warning me that I'm going to drown.
Assassin's Creed 3 Award For Gaming's Biggest Dick
It seems now that all games must have dicks attached to them since the emperor of twats, Connor, from the annoyingly successful Assassin's Creed 3, especially Ubisoft who seem to have found a way to include and ruin every single one of their recent games with a massive twat, namely Jason Brody. The nominees are as follows:
Rockstar: We fucked up, please have a large sum of virtual money to forgive us that will inevitably be later than we first promised. Any News Reporter: oh video games cause this, video games cause that. I've never actually played one but I'm sure they do, let's now discuss it with this very biased panel, yes that will prove my point. EA: Lets go and screw up the release of every single one of our new titles and become the worst company to work for in America. Me: seems I've been found out:
But the winner is: Battlefield 4
Unfortunately it seems that the majority of the fanbase are assholes and post ignorant and annoying comments all over the internet about how there game is so much better than all the others. So well done people, this was your own making. For more on this subject please see this: http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/battlefield-vs-cod.html
McAfee Award For Most Annoying Feature
Pretty self explanatory really, the nominees are:
Candy Crush: What I am charged to play this game, thanks a fucking bunch microtransactions. Angry Birds: Oh wait more fucking microtransactions, brilliant. SimCity: Always online, but you're a city building game why would I possibly need to be online. You may as well call as all pirates so you can keep your feature. Riley In COD Ghosts: Oh yeah that's definitely what Call Of Duty needs to revive itself, a fucking dog. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't mentioned every two seconds and becomes a pointless yet integral part of the campaign.
But the winner: EA Origin
Stop trying to become Steam, why would I want another platform to play games on. At least Steam works, this thing just constantly updates and has to save your game files after each use which ruins your PC's performance, utterly hopeless. What was wrong with disc installs, then we don't get any of this crap.
The Where's Wally Award For Best Attention To Detail
I simply love games that draw details to the small things, a lot like these awards, and I feel it is never really recognized. Well now for once it is and has its own award. Here are the nominees:
Battlefield 4: Levolution is a great feature as are things blowing up, especially when it's everything. Surgeon Simulator: Just small things like exposed needles, I like that. GTA V: So many easter eggs, so many unanswered questions. People will still be finding new things in this game for years to come. The level of detail on the vast map is astonishing. GeoGuessr: Come on, it sort of has the whole world as its map. Tearway: Constructing things out of paper, taking photos of you to appear in the game, this game is crammed with great features that just make the overall experience of the game brilliant. Democracy 3: Wow that's a big menu, so many buttons so little time, oh and they all integrate.
But the winner is: Papers, Please
I was amazed at the level of detail that was included in such a basic game. It is one of the main reasons why I believe this was the game of the year.
The Final Fantasy Award For Worst Excuse For A New Game
Every year we get them and every year they get worse. Here are the nominees for the biggest money cons of the year.
Call Of Duty Ghosts: Still the same game isn't it, getting rather stale now. WWE 2K14: New publisher but still the same old content that hasn't really changed for a few years now when it really needs too. Minecraft: Oh whats that Microsoft you're putting Minecraft on the new generation of consoles to show off its technical capabilities. That's quite difficult on a game made of cubes. Beyond Two Souls: Sorry is there supposed to be a video game element to this.
But the winner, again: Battlefield 4
Battlefield 4 is essentially the result of Dice pressing control and v over their Battlefield 3 files as it is exactly the same, it even feels the same. They haven't bothered to change anything, and yet COD is supposed to be the repetitive title, at least they bothered to change the setting and basic mechanics where as Battlefield forgot that part.
The Top Gear Award For Most Manliest Game
Phwoar! these get the testosterone pumping:
GTA V: Punching hookers in the face and then running over innocent pedestrians in your tuned and modified muscle car, what could be more manly than that? Call Of Duty: Yeah, still got guns and explosions and now with women. Phwoar! Aliens Colonial Marines: Shooting the living hell out of aliens. Like zombies but better. Tomb Raider: Listening to Lara Croft screaming whilst shooting a load of minorities, yes please.
But the winner, for the fourth time: Battlefield 4
The trailer just reaks of testosterone, what could be more manly than this:
The Award For Best YouTuber
In a more serious award I give genuine credit to the Youtubers that made this year just so much more entertaining, so thank you guys, I know it takes a lot of time and effort. Here are the nominees:
Nerd 3: Hilarious videos and has helped me discover some brilliant titles. Not sure about the revamp though. Machinima: Always reliable to produce some brilliant game content at a rate of about 20 videos a day. Game Trailers: Their E3 coverage was brilliant and their other content is pretty good as well.
But the winner for this highly prestigious award: Total Biscuit
A man with quite possibly the best voice in the world and some utterly hilarious reviews. Managing to review the technical aspects of the game without alienating his audience, his reviews are absolutely brilliant. The past year has been brilliant for him and his career goes from strength to strength after taking on a selfish video game developer and winning, great work.
The Well That Escalated Quickly Award
This is a rather small category as the games this year have been rather linear, so here is the only nominee:
Deadpool: Fuck me that last boss was hard, no real preparation for it so it came as a bit of a shock.
But the winner: Surgeon Simulator
Now that you've failed miserably at all the other operations we will set the next level in zero gravity. Oh brilliant, I can barely manage it with gravity, now I just get stabbed by my own needle and start hallucinating.
The Christoforge Golden Erection Award
Well every teenage boy needs something to masturbate over, even if it is a virtual character:
GTA V: Hookers and scantily clad women. Oh its a feminists nightmare but brilliant for misogynists, like myself. Saints Row IV: If you thought GTA was sexual then you haven't seen this game. The eye candy don't look as realistic as GTA and therefore loose some points from my penis. Tomb Raider: Lara Croft with limited clothing and screaming, this is most men's idea of heaven.
But the winner: WWE 2K14
I'm sorry but my penis is a sucker for divas, to the miserable groan of my bedroom that must be drowning in semen after each session.
The Stanley Kubrick Award For Intelligent Plot
Celebrating the brilliance of Stanley Kubrick, this category is for a clever plot that is unpredictable from start to finish with a brilliant climax. The nominees are:
Papers Please: The only game that can make you corrupt so gradually that you won't even notice, forcing you into moral and ethical dilemmas to make you question your own morals. The Last Of Us: Fantastic story from start to finish even if the characters actions are a little controversial. Just like Kubrick.
But there could only be one winner in this highly contested round: The Stanley Parable
In the classic style of Kubrick, this game makes a great plot out of something very minimal. When you think you can predict what happens next it throws a spanner in the works and punishes you for outwitting it. Intelligence down to the very last detail.
Michael Bay Award For Story That Thinks It's Being Clever But Ultimately Fails
Every year storylines in games treat the player like an absolute moron, sometimes it just gets insulting like in these entries:
Bioshock Infinite: The ending makes absolutely no sense, alienating the majority of players and ultimately falling flat. GTA V: You really thought the ending was unpredictable, it was one of gaming's least shocking moments of all time. Assassin's Creed IV: Thinks it is being clever by making the player work on a pirate game in Montreal. Wow, that's too good to be true.
But the winner: Beyond: Two Souls
We're going to allow you to make decisions that will directly affect the story unless of course we make a game that has a very linear story and your decisions don't make the slightest bit of difference.
British Empire Award For Biggest Lie
The final award goes to the game that was hyped up to be something that it certainly never was and I can't help but feel a little betrayed by the developers, after all it was what they promised us. The nominees are:
Xbox One: We're going to implement all these controversial new features that are going to divide gamers but ultimately abandon them when there is a negative backlash. Microsoft, there is always going to be a negative reaction to new revolutionary features so you could've just stuck to them, now you look like a tit. The Fighter Within: Realistic fighter with working motion controls. Bullshit. COD Ghosts: Revolutionary. Still feels like almost the same game to me.
But the winner: GTA V
For GTA Online we are going to include a working stock market, heists and loads more features, and the multiplayer will definitely work. Of course it didn't and I am still waiting for these features that were promised at launch but Rockstar still haven't even bothered with 4 months later. To be honest they've made very little changes. So come on Rockstar, more features in GTA Online or a new Red Dead Redemption. I have Spoken.
I seem to remember wanting to see this film with great anticipation back in the day but never really got round to watching it, then it appeared on BBC Iplayer and I decided to give it a watch. The plot consists of a group of actors who aren't really cut out for their big up and coming role in a fictional Vietnam war flick. What they don't realise is that they are dropped into a real conflict and must unite as a team to survive.
The general plot of the film intrigues me, I like the idea of a film within a film and it generally turns out to be a solid, if poorly written story. The actual comedic elements of the film are very hit and miss and whilst some do hit the mark very well, such as the 'never go full retard' line, but often many of the jokes feel forced and barely put a smile on your face. An example of this would be the film's climax which is held together by a quite annoying and somehow underwhelming joke that the film doesn't really deserve, it deserves a proper finish. However, there are certainly enough comedic scenes to make the overall experience entertaining and some decent action sequences that come as a pleasant surprise including one of the best deaths in any film ever, it's just so unexpected.
My favorite moment of the film is probably the intro, it is such an original idea and whilst also providing a great set of laughs it sets up the characters perfectly making the story more intriguing. Sometimes the caricatures are too much, namely Jack Black who plays an annoying heroine addict that makes predictable, stereotypical jokes that just get a bit too much in the end. However, the other characters are portrayed well, especially Robert Downey Jr who plays a black man, yes a black man, and does a very good job, his charisma with Ben Stiller is one of the main reasons I would recommend this film, it really does have star power and uses it very effectively.
I also like the fact that this film doesn't take itself seriously, which fits the genre, it knows it's a rip off of classic war movies and so just pokes fun at them. Sometimes it copies them too literally as the pacing of this film is very similar to Full Metal Jacket in that the first half is much stronger than the second with some of the jokes getting repetitive and the action sequences becoming quite dull. Despite the sometimes lackluster action sequences it still never forgets its roots in comedy and if the second half does disappoint slightly then you can always fall back on a discriminative joke in the first. This film though did get a lot of slack for jokes aimed at the mentally handicapped and being a person who has had personal experience with mental disabilities I don't find the jokes offensive at all, anyone who does is missing the point of the film, a bit like when Life Of Brian was released.
Overall then this film is a refreshing installment of a genre that really has churned out some crap recently. Its original idea and action sub genre definitely come out stronger than the noticeable flaws and poor script. Having said that I still think this film is overrated, the reviews I have read claim this film to be hilarious, it isn't hilarious, just quite funny. It is however an overall entertaining experience that good acting and interesting plot carry in a film that never gets boring. While not an absolute classic that its subjects were it is still a breath of fresh air to a normally dull genre.
Oh good, it's my favorite band in the world (sarcasm). You can tell by the artwork for their latest album how exciting this band are, not very is the answer. I am going to be reviewing one particular song from their new album but really the same review could be applied to any of the other tracks from AM as they all suffer from being just the same old shit, capped off with diabolical R U Mine (ARE YOU MINE, I don't get why people do that). Is it really any surprise when the album looks like this, there just isn't any creativeness. The album was rated very highly by critics, especially NME who proclaimed it was the best album of the year. NME of course famous for being morons 99% of the time. They thought Leeds and Berlin were the coolest places in the world, need I say more.
I choose to review Arabella as it has been heralded as a song that is heavily influenced by classic rock and being as that is sort of my specialist genre I decided to see how it compares to the all time greats. The song title is actually a portmanteau word and is the combination of lead singer Alex Turner's girlfriend and a 1968 sci-fi film called Barbarella which looks absolutely terrible. Maybe he's trying to say that his girlfriend looks like shit, I don't know. What I do know is that it creates a horrible word that means I can't really take this song very seriously, not very classic rock is it, then again neither is bragging about your girlfriend. The inspiration for the song is the words of physicist Brian Cox. Yes, you read me correctly there, very rock and roll. Could've sung about philosophy or mythology but no, physics lectures.
To my amazement the song really isn't that bad. It begins with a good baseline and a solid drum beat, things that are often overlooked on more modern tracks and so it's nice to see it here, in fact everything is going well until you know who opens their very dull and expressionless mouth. I'm sorry it just doesn't fit the genre, it belongs back where the old Arctic Monkeys where, and that's not a good place. It's a shame as this song had really good promise but they've made the common mistake of becoming a band that tries to do something that they're not and they just can't pull it off, switching genres where they really don't belong. It shows as the song still feels like an indie rock hit despite the classic elements. They do give it a shot though and the song is well paced and has a good structure, if a bit linear and the climax is a little disappointing, the guitar solo is far too short and actually gets cut off by Mr. Charisma's voice which is a shame as again like the rest of the song, it had promise. There is also a faint whiff of Led Zeppelin about it as well, which I like a lot, but I couldn't imagine The Arctic Monkeys ever bringing the same chemistry and charisma to a song like Zeppelin could. The lyrics are as follows:
Arabella's got some interstellar-gator skin boots
And a helter skelter 'round her little finger and I ride it endlessly
She's got a Barbarella silver swimsuit
And when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
I think Arabella is his vision of perfection which must reference to his girlfriend. He's basically saying that she's beautiful, but he'd prefer a mutant. Very romantic. I am concerned she's found interstellar gator skin boots which means she's probably an alien species, this guy has got fucked up desires, but what he does in his spare time is none of my business. The rest of that just makes no sense.
My days end best when this sunset gets itself
Behind that little lady sitting on the passenger side
It's much less picturesque without her catching the light
The horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes
What? The horizon doesn't catch the light of the sunset, this just makes no sense.
As Arabella
As Arabella
Just might have tapped into your mind and soul
You can't be sure
Oh god she has mind controlling powers, I remember seeing something like that in Alien and that didn't end well. I'm starting to wonder what he actually sees in this thing.
Arabella's got a 70's head
But she's a modern lover
It's an exploration, she's made of outer space
And her lips are like the galaxy's edge
And her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place
(Chorus)
All forms of biological life are made from outer space so she really isn't that special. Don't know what it means by the galaxy's edge, could mean distant, cold, who knows. The rest is as confusing as the other parts of the song.
That's magic in a cheetah print coat
Just a slip underneath it I hope
Asking if I can have one of those
Organic cigarettes that she smokes
Wraps her lips round the Mexican coke
Makes you wish that you were the bottle
Takes a sip of your soul and it sounds like…
Mexican coke by the way is imported in America due to it having a more natural taste, as is the theme for this verse, although I've never heard a women referred to as natural before. The rest is just this pointless drivel that doesn't really refer to anything in particular apart from the women in question. I expected there to be some sort of progression with this song but I end up disappointed, you could basically copy and paste the first verse and it would sound almost the same.
This song was ceratinly well received by fans, Tips logged on to Amazon to say: "Awesome album. Change of style from previous 2albums; however lyrically they are as sharp as ever. Their maturity shines through and is definitely an outstanding addition to my music collection. Love it!"
No they're not lyrically sharp, this song proves that. It's just the same dry drab that we've become used to, there is no real message to the song and it tries to be deep but ends up just being confusing. Maturity is one of the problems, when have classic rock bands ever done anything mature, it makes them who they are. With The Arctic Monkeys I get the impression that they're the sort of people you borrow a stepladder from, they don't have any character.
The review on beatsperminute.com says:
"For those who think Arctic Monkeys are at their best
when they’re at their fastest and heaviest, there’s “Arabella,” a trippy
love song with a savage riff that is forever indebted to Black
Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” Turner pulls out all the superlatives to describe
this particular woman: “She’s made of outer space/Her lips are like the
galaxy’s edge/And her kiss is the colour of a constellation falling into
place.” I think he likes her."
I'd hardly call the riff savage, not saying it's bad but I wouldn't compare it to War Pigs, I don't think they sound similar at all but then maybe that's just me, and if Alex Turner is trying to impersonate Ozzy then I'm offended. Ha, pulls out all the superlatives, Imagine saying to a women that you got your pick up lines from Brian Cox.
Overall then this song just tries to do a bit too much and then inevitably pulls up short. There is a fine line between surreal and just plain confusing that means the lyrics end up feeling meaningless. I certainly admire this song, after all it is different from the same generic crap we get from every other so called rock band but it still somehow feels the same as every other Arctic Monkeys song; underwhelming, uninspired. It's a step in the right direction and the song has good motives, it just can't pull them off.
Overall Rating: 4/10 **
A
typically John Cooper Clarke-esque wonder of wit and wordplay sees in
track four with Turner spitting: "Arabella's got some interstellar gator
skin boots, and a helter skelter and a little finger and I ride it
endlessly. From there, 'Arabella' takes on a meaty and lean classic rock
rush with choppy guitar work and a chunky rhythm section that shows clear
influence from their former touring buddies The Black Keys. A future
Monkeys' classic? Maybe, whatever, but it sounds bloody brilliant live. Read more at http://www.gigwise.com/news/83953/track-by-track-review-arctic-monkeys---am#CXplkZ0wi8QfTUS0.99
A
typically John Cooper Clarke-esque wonder of wit and wordplay sees in
track four with Turner spitting: "Arabella's got some interstellar gator
skin boots, and a helter skelter and a little finger and I ride it
endlessly. From there, 'Arabella' takes on a meaty and lean classic rock
rush with choppy guitar work and a chunky rhythm section that shows clear
influence from their former touring buddies The Black Keys. A future
Monkeys' classic? Maybe, whatever, but it sounds bloody brilliant live. Read more at http://www.gigwise.com/news/83953/track-by-track-review-arctic-monkeys---am#CXplkZ0wi8QfTUS0.99
A
typically John Cooper Clarke-esque wonder of wit and wordplay sees in
track four with Turner spitting: "Arabella's got some interstellar gator
skin boots, and a helter skelter and a little finger and I ride it
endlessly. From there, 'Arabella' takes on a meaty and lean classic rock
rush with choppy guitar work and a chunky rhythm section that shows clear
influence from their former touring buddies The Black Keys. A future
Monkeys' classic? Maybe, whatever, but it sounds bloody brilliant live. Read more at http://www.gigwise.com/news/83953/track-by-track-review-arctic-monkeys---am#CXplkZ0wi8QfTUS0.99
A
typically John Cooper Clarke-esque wonder of wit and wordplay sees in
track four with Turner spitting: "Arabella's got some interstellar gator
skin boots, and a helter skelter and a little finger and I ride it
endlessly. From there, 'Arabella' takes on a meaty and lean classic rock
rush with choppy guitar work and a chunky rhythm section that shows clear
influence from their former touring buddies The Black Keys. A future
Monkeys' classic? Maybe, whatever, but it sounds bloody brilliant live. Read more at http://www.gigwise.com/news/83953/track-by-track-review-arctic-monkeys---am#CXplkZ0wi8QfTUS0.99
I am generally an old fashioned person and so give me a choice between the classic Batman films and the Christopher Nolan trilogy and I will definitely choose the classics any day of the week, it's not that I don't enjoy the newer versions but I feel they take themselves too seriously and then don't deliver on the aspects that make a great action movie. I prefer the classic films that knew they were light hearted and so didn't try anything fancy, unlike this film.
It certainly isn't a bad film, the acting on display is good, the special effects are nice, there is an exciting plethora of characters and Nolan directs a solid film that overall is an enjoyable experience that I would happily watch again. I would personally give it 2 and a half stars and the reason that might seem quite low is because of the massive elephant sitting in the corner, the plot. I'm now going to attempt to describe how unbelievably floored the storyline is. So yes there is going to be spoilers.
The film begins with the CIA letting unknown terrorists on their plane without any checks what so ever, for all they know the men could be the well known terrorist Bane, but they don't need to check that. I mean it's not as if the plane is carrying valuable cargo that becomes central to the plot later is it, no. Bane being a master tactician knows that when the CIA are transporting high value criminals they turn off all radar systems as then his Hercules C130J, which he would of had to steal off a military air force first, turns up without being recognized. Even if the radar wasn't working they could of just looked out a fucking window, the thing has a wingspan of 40m.
Hmm, that's hard to spot isn't it. Bane then pointlessly decides to leave a body on board so it doesn't look suspicious. No a plane with wings miles away from the actual plane crash and covered in bullet holes doesn't look suspicious at all does it.
Batman is then shown being given an artificial knee brace that has a rather hard hitting impact on a piece of rock. This piece of kit will almost certainly make Batman unstoppable if he remembers to ever use it again, which he doesn't, it is never mentioned again and would of made his job a hell of a lot easier as there are definitely some moments where it could come in useful, after all there maybe some terrorist working in Gotham City for about the 50th week running. Speaking of Bane his next masterful and flawed step is currently underway.
Bane's next step is to ruin Batman's superpower, his money, which when you think about it is rather a shit superpower, it's not as if it ever comes in useful, apart from that long lost knee brace. May as well have spent the money on a Rolls Royce, at least he might use that. Bane's men enter the stock exchange and then escape on dirt bikes that appear from nowhere. Now, dirt bikes are quite difficult to obtain from the center of New Yor-I mean Gotham and then there is the problem of storing them without anyone noticing, how big is the stock exchange broom cupboard, doubt there's enough room for 20 dirt bikes. But these are special dirt bikes, yes these dirt bikes can alter the Earth's spin. At least they appear to as the chase starts in broad daylight and ends up pitch balck after a trip through a tunnel. Continuity.
Batman tries to make a comeback but his knee brace isn't working yet and so is forced to escape on the loudest and largest thing ever invented, but people still don't notice it. Now let's play the game of where's the Batcopter in the next picture:
No, me neither. I guess we're just like the GCPD. Also a light helicopter at 100ft produces around 100 decibels in noise which is roughly the same as standing next to a jackhammer making the GCPD the most useless police force in the world. No wonder all these villains end up in Gotham, they have a shitty police force who don't get the hint that Gotham is a hive of scum and villainy (always wanted to use that) and has a shitty superhero with no useful talents and a two setting voice control that's either on shout mode or out of breath mode. Batman of course is ruined by this stock market takeover that is still aloud to stand even though it occurring suspiciously on the same day as a stock market raid. Good god Gotham City is full of retards.
Batman then inevitably tries to fight Bane and shows us what a brilliant superpower money is as he's destroyed. Probably because Batman forgets all about that bloody leg brace and tries to punch Bane. I have no sympathy for a person with that amount of stupidity. Instead of killing Batman and being sensible Bane decides to cart Batman off to the PRISON OF DOOM in an oilfield somewhere the other side of the world. There is zero chance of escape for Batman unless he scales a climbing tower that Bane must have borrowed from the local funfair which I'm sure a seven year old child could climb, hopefully with an entertaining voiceover from Richard Hammond. It's not a very good prison if the cellmates are free to get out and oh, what a fucking surprise, Batman does. But not before Bane has traveled halfway around the world to taunt Batman and then leave and install cable TV in English which means Bane's henchman would have to dig out the surrounding landscape to fit a cable down it, which then Batman subsequently destroys in a hissy fit. I'm wondering who the bad guy is. Batman gets bed and breakfast accommodation with cable TV and his own personal chiropractor and then goes and destroys it all. Bastard. Here's an interesting diagram showing how difficult it is to receive cable TV:
Fascinating. Of course with Batman gone it is left to the world's shittest police force to stop Bane and would you believe it they manage to outdo their own shittiness, by sending EVERY cop into the sewers. You know maybe you might want to keep one back for Mrs. Smith's handbag that might get stolen, but oh no EVERYONE. Of course it inevitably goes wrong and the police are trapped by a wall of cars which makes the rock climbing at the prison of doom look like Mount Everest, but being useless they can't figure it out. I don't blame Bane for trying to overthrow the government, Gotham would probably be safer during a time of civil unrest than when the world's shittest police force are running the show. Maybe that's why the people believe that a few words written by Bane are the words of Commissioner Gordon as their sick of the rubbish policing job lately, either that or the Daily Mail must sell very well in Gotham.
But Bane being the kind man that he is decides to let the police live (huh) so he can waste valuable food resources on feeding them and even gives them razors and shaving cream so they don't look untidy, seriously though nobody has any facial hair. Either the Gotham police force are all women (which would explain the lack of direction) or are required to carry emergency shaving kits in case they get stuck in a tunnel by a crime lord, which probably happens quite often knowing their record. The US army at this point has done absolutely nothing, probably because there isn't any oil in Gotham, and they're scared of terrorists.
But it's okay as Batman TELEPORTS back into Gotham. I mean he must have done or he would have to have climbed out the prison of doom in the middle of nowhere and managed to find his way back to Gotham with no money or passport and find another Batman suite in the process. What are the chances. Not that Gotham would have any transport links anyway as it has been cordoned off by the US army. It seems they're shittier than the GCPD. HOW DID BANE LOSE. Oh, Batman, who at this point returns on the frozen river which people are seen falling through with limited clothing on but Batman can walk perfectly fine on the same area of ice in his much heavier suite. PHYSICS. He also uses a tranquilizer gun to disable Bane's men. Very useful, especially at any other point in this film. Who needs hydraulic leg braces when you've got tranquilizers. Batman then reveals his fire sculpture that looks very pretty but this probably isn't the time to be making fire sculptures that take a long time to build. Below is a clip from the Fire Sculpture World Championships (yes, there is such a thing), from Estonia, that shows how difficult it is to make a fire sculpture.
Somehow Batman had to haul massive tanks of gasoline on top of a bridge on his won without any of Bane's men seeing him, or are they no better than the GCPD. Also the laws of physics dictate that Gasoline runs quite quickly on a vertical surface and so by the time Batman ignites his brilliant sculpture it would look a bit shit. The cops are then freed from the CAR WALL OF DEATH, that's about 3m tall, and then charge at Bane's heavily armored men who are equipped with tanks and guns even when they are only equipped with fists and batons. Smart strategy, but then they are the world's shittest police force. I seem to remember the outcome of this confrontation from Indiana Jones.
It seems however that Christopher Nolan doesn't have a good taste in films, or a grip on reality, as according to him this is an even match. Even Batman arrives to not use that leg brace that could've come in very handy 5000 times in this film.
Of course it all ends happily, predictably, as Batman destroys Bane's plan to blow Gotham to pieces (makes sense. Conquer first and then blow it up, could've just blown it up) with his nuclear bomb that he destroys just in the nick of time, because some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. (hmm, that sculpture better have been worth it) The bomb detonates and everybody cheers. As they go into a nuclear winter. What a happy ending.
Cinema is sometimes a great experience, but in most cases it really isn't. The following is a list of ten utterly dreadful films that some people actually enjoy watching. Here are a few honorable mentions:
Hitch (2005): I remember watching this in GCSE English and feeling the need to jump out the window. Shallow, predictable and cringeworthingly unfunny. Batman & Robin (1997): Never try and make a superhero film comedic, the only one that ever worked was the original Batman, and it had a stupidly high budget. Mission: Impossible (1996): Why did people watch it if the mission is impossible? Surely the film should be called 'Mission: Quite Difficult But Still Possible', and I'm forced to listen to a crappy U2 song as well. Anything that has rom-com in the description: They're all as bad as each other and make me want to strangle every member of the cast. Any High School Musical: Speaking of cast strangling this group of imbeciles makes me doubt the human race as a whole. But it's a Disney product so they don't really get much choice, that's why it isn't on the list.
#10 Pearl Harbor (2001)
I always thought this film looked quite good until I was told otherwise and having subsequently watched it I will definitely agree, this is awful and an insult to the historical epic. If this was a 30 minute TV show I would complain of boredom as after one good scene it ends up becoming some of the worst screenplay I have ever seen in a film. The actual Pearl Harbor sequence is very entertaining with aesthetically pleasing special effects and at least half decent acting but then the film descends into a poorly written love triangle that only seems to occur during the sunset in slow motion and containing such terrible lines that refer to Central London as "Downtown London".
Being a logical human being I thought this film would actually be about Pearl Harbor, it was for a bit, but it then decides to drag on for another pointless hour toying with the viewer about will the Americans get revenge when you already know they do because they won the fucking war. I would also expect Michael Bay to read at least a page of a history book before making this, as suddenly fighter pilots become bombing pilots, very different things, 2 minutes of Flight Simulator will teach you that. He also painted the planes the wrong color because it would differentiate the two sides, defeating the thing that makes a war movie great, the lack of a good and bad side so the viewer is left to draw their own conclusions. The film is only saved by the actual Pearl Harbor sequence and that is mainly a missed opportunity due to the constrictions of a PG rating and also seems to be a cash in on what was a national tragedy.
#9 Avatar (2009)
A film that has received widespread praise for its creativity, obviously by people who had never seen Dances With Wolves, or maybe more than five films. The fact is the film is just a carbon copy of many generic films, especially Dances With Wolves, but instead of Native Americans we get annoying blue things that I couldn't give a shit about. Oh you're about to be killed. Tough shit, I don't care and why should I? The attractive visuals seem to cover over the fact that this is a pointless film that focuses on this Brokeback Mountain style romance that seems to be the central focus of the film unlike other important questions like what is Unobtanium? which incidentally sounds like humor for a four year old child. The irony is they did obtain it, real intellectual joke. Any other well constructed sci-fi would answer these questions yet this one is considered somehow groundbreaking.
The effects are used nicely for a few details but let's face it Star Wars created a lot better galaxy with fewer effects than this nice looking but empty planet that must have a total of 5 animals on it and even George Lucas knows that Alien species do not speak English, but humans do, in a galaxy far far away. Apparently I am supposed to care about the final battle but predictably I'm not when it is obviously going to be won by the side that is about 800 years more advanced than the other, no matter how many advantages Cameron gives to the natives. I also don't see any message in the film, it tries to preach peace but it's hard to convey when the only entertaining parts of the film are the battle sequences. This film is definitely a case of style over substance and for a film that is meant to be so groundbreaking it seems to just copy its plot from another 100 generic films.
#8 Romeo & Juliet (1996)
I swear GCSE English only consisted of watching terrible films, and this is another one that comes to mind. This film aims to make a modern day version of Romeo & Juliet by setting it in modern times but they still speak like they're from 1600 which doesn't work on any level, I appreciate what they're trying to do but it just doesn't make sense. This means you have no idea what the characters are saying and the acting is so wooden and cringe worthy that you can't work out what's happening, all I got from the film was Romeo is a massive twat who treats women like objects and outrageously cockblocks anyone who he sees as a potential threat because he thinks the world revolves around him and when things don't go his way he starts sulking. Prick.
The rest of the cast is also just a group of irritating twats that makes any of their deaths seem like a significant moral victory that needs celebrating. The love story is also stomach churning and looks like something out of Big Brother as Romeo, being the massive twat that I would enjoy murdering, and Juliet, who seems to be played by a wardrobe, except wardrobes can act better. Why they were ever chosen to play Shakespearean roles I will never know as they just seem to mumble or shout the lines for no apparent reason having seemingly not understood the play. It's like watching High School Musical do Shakespeare.
#7 Billy Elliot (2000)
This film is a little confused about what it actually is, on one hand it is a heart warming tale about a boy discovering his passion, whilst on the other side it is a mature drama about 1980s British society. It is so busy trying to please both sides that in the end it just becomes a horrible cliche. The film tries to include a serious back story of his family being involved in the miner's strike which adds absolutely nothing to the film and just seems to be there as a placeholder. It may as well have been set during the American Revolution, it wouldn't of made any difference. It's meant to be a feel good film, but on a cold hearted person like me that just doesn't work. I just find that Billy Elliot is an annoying little twat, a twat that is good at ballet, it just doesn't make for an interesting story. Jimmy from Hull learnt to play the recorder, you don't see anyone else making a film about that, they don't because it would be shit. That is this films problem, you can do anything to shit, but at the end of the day it is still shit, and this film was doomed to begin with.
I could of put this film higher but there are some genuinely nice moments and there is a bit of comedy in their as well which means the experience doesn't get too boring, nowhere near as bad as the next candidates. This film is just out of place and really doesn't need that R rating, it doesn't really help.
#6 Catwoman (2004)
Because I am a person of logic I expected this film to actually be about Catwoman, only to be shocked to find out that it is about a person pretending to be Catwoman. Thats just the start, this film is everything a superhero movie should not be, terrible acting, abysmal special effects and lines that where apparently taken from a four year old. I now have to have the world record for the amount of times someone can say oh no in the space of two hours as I watch a respectable comic book villain butchered by one of the worst scripts of all time.
I'm not really aware what the actual story is as it seems to switch from one to another without ever warning you, not that I really care about that as when I look at Catwoman I do get slightly aroused. However, she seems to have experienced budget cuts and as a result looks like a stray. They may as well have put Darth Vader in the costume as the level of acting would be about the same, except Darth Vader has a presence, at no point in the film did I say to myself here comes Catwoman, business is about to pick up. I just ended up getting bored and working on my Penguin laugh, which is coming on nicely, thanks for asking.
#5 Disaster Movie (2008)
This is the lowest ranked film on IMDB for a reason. I can still remember being vaguely psyched for this film due to some reasonably funny trailers, of course when I did see it I almost cried tears of suffering. I'm not sure who the target audience are meant to be, it must be every three year old as some of the jokes are so immature and basic that anyone over that age would just die a little inside, this film really is like watching a kids TV programme. But then it cuts to some lewd joke far too mature for a younger audience, which means it must have been made for brain dead morons. It just seems a pointless film with no storyline or memorable characters and every scene seems to be spontaneous and irrelevant, there is the occasional scene that my penis approves of but that's a bit awkward when you're in a cinema trying to conceal a boner.
I do hate to admit that the immature mind in me did find some scenes funny but then of course I resorted to putting my hand back where it should be, that's my forehead. To be honest I guess I should've known this would be terrible, I mean it even says it in the name, but it's still an insult to the film industry which does occasionally churn out great films.
#4 One Direction: This Is Us (2013)
Come on, what did you expect, 5 talentless twats being dicks, it was always going to be shit. To my surprise it wasn't actually as shit as I thought it was going to be. That's my only compliment and I suppose it's like saying "oh dying of Cholera wasn't as badder experience as I expected". I definitely thought this was surely going to be number one but it never actually got quite that bad. Sure, it was boring, I mean I've already had to endure the clips they were showing from the endless barrage on Twitter and so this so called documentary was just recycled clips that were actually rather dull. This of course was then disrupted by team twat doing something incredibly annoying that I'm sure there misguided fan base would call 'cute'. Predictably these girls are the same girls that call boys immature, but when One Direction do it then no, it isn't being immature then. No wonder sexism still exists. Only got yourselves to blame.
Leaving my hatred of One Direction aside this is a terrible documentary. More of a commercial, although apparently it is legal to commercialize shit as this movie proves. Interesting fact. It's also a terrible commercial, it's quite hard to take the product seriously when one shot is member Louis Tomlinson playing a guitar, but he's forgotten to plug it in. I don't think The Beatles ever had that trouble. This leaves me confused as I don't know what this film is. It doesn't contain any facts to be a documentary and it doesn't seem to be a very good commercial, unless they're advertising brain dead monkeys trying to string a few chords together and occasionally throwing shit against a wall whilst selling out to every brand possible and running out of material so just copying other people's work and getting the credit for it. They've advertised that well.
#3 Twilight (2008)
You could pick any of the series, they're all equally bad and have about the combined depth of Holland. This supposed love story just makes me vomit every time I even think about it as a girl with the facial expressions of an ironing board is attracted to a vampire so obsessed with her he deserves to have a restraining order. Of course girls love the thought of having their blood removed by a stranger who she's just met and can somehow survive in the daylight when everybody knows that a vampire cannot survive in direct sunlight. *Face palm*
Or she could go with a werewolf, a pretty pathetic one at that, it just looks like an average wolf. This of course is another smart move as every werewolf has the blood of the beast and so becomes a blood lusting killing machine every full moon, but this one takes his shirt off every three seconds. Where's Sherlock Holmes when you need him, oh in a better film that's where. Seriously though, even Edward saying he wants to suck her blood doesn't turn her off and she's sexually attracted to a man over 100 when she is 16, what the fuck is wrong with her, has she never seen a programme called the news. I wouldn't be surprised if Edward showed up around her house in a Ford Transit van.
This is just the epitome of shit. Even after you get through the list of plot holes you have to listen to the endless breathing, sighing and terrible acting of Bella who may as well have been played by a sack of potatoes. This is an insult to Dracula, and every film ever made, except for maybe the next two.
#2 Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)
Next time please just say never. This film is actually in 3D, because if seeing a twat makes you doubt mankind in 2D wasn't enough you can see him do it in an extra dimension, or you could be sensible and not see him in the first place. This is again effectively another commercial bragging about Justin's so called achievements, saying you haven't made it until you've sold out MSG. A band called Dispatch managed it, household names, yep that is real difficult to do. It seemingly wasn't enough torture to listen to just this twat auto tuning but now we have to listen to his fans saying how great he is. I mean it's not as if they're going to be normal and say he's shit, and all these segments do is long for the days of labor camps where they belong.
The rest is just the usual Justin thinking about himself, being an arrogant twat, meeting twats and pretending to be a normal person and looking like a twat. One scene is him trying to learn chemistry with three identical books, yep that will work. It also occurred to me at this stage that there isn't a person I would rather see being run over by a steamroller. This film is just a fucking joke and is a great advert for genocide. The plot seems to be himself, himself, himself and himself. Justin, seriously, fuck off. #1 Titanic (1997)
Oh this might generate some hate, but let's face it the thing that buries this film is how overrated it is. The first thing I hate is the Assassin's Creed style narrative which predictably flops as nobody cares about the modern interpretation and then the actual historical story is flawed by the fact it culminates by teasing whether or not Rose will die when you know she doesn't as she is telling the story. Three and a quarter hours for that, I could of watched 2001: A Space Odyssey for less time and got an absolutely breathtaking story. The plot consists around stereotypical rich people who keep comparing themselves to slaves, have nothing interesting to say and have no other character traits which inevitably becomes very boring and tedious. This isn't helped by grade A twat Jack Dawson who is up to his usual cock blocking displayed in Romeo & Juliet. Seriously though, "I'm the king of the world". No you're not, you're just a prick. Fuck off.
Another thing that annoys me is the disregard for history. Again, sorry for me being sensible but any other logical person would expect this film to be about the Titanic, but the Titanic is just merely a backdrop to a vomit inducing love story that frustrates me so much I end up celebrating when Jack eventually dies, which is three hours too late. Cameron may as well have put the cast of Twilight on the Challenger shuttle, that actually might have made a more interesting story as rockets are cooler than boats. The effects are also really bad, especially for the monumental budget. Seriously though there are much better effects in Jurassic Park from 1993.
That brings me on to its vast collection of accolades. 11 fucking Oscars, I know 1997 was a terrible year for films but Air Force One was a good film, and that is 11 times the film that this is, and it's got Harrison Ford. My point about it being overrated is proved by the AFI's 100 anniversary rankings which claimed Titanic is the 25th best film for thrills above titles such as The Deer Hunter, The Terminator and Jurassic Park. It's funny because I got zero thrills out of Titanic, the dramatic scenes are so badly written they're actually quite comical. It also gave the film the 14th best song of any film, this list doesn't include scores but it doesn't get away from the fact that My Heart Will Go On is one of the worst songs of all time and finished higher than classics such as Hard Days Night, Born To Be Wild and I'm Free, it's a fucking joke. This is the one that hurts though, it is the 83rd best film of all time, above great films such as Platoon, The Sixth Sense and Pulp Fiction. Unbelievable.
This film is an insult to the epic list of films that this is often compared with. True epics like 2001: A Space Odyssey are constructed millions of times better than this for a fraction of the budget. Maybe I shall do some detailed comparisons soon.
I will admit I am not the biggest movie fan in the world and often films that I watch leave me with a sour taste in my mouth, but we shall leave those for another day. However, these films are an exception that I would happily sit through again and again. This is entirely my opinion so I really don't care about your hate comments. These are a few candidates that just missed the list:
Platoon (1986): A fantastic anti war film that really does showcase the horrors of war, with an exciting plethora of believable characters including a great performance from Sergeant Foley, however, it certainly isn't the best war film out there. Ice Age (2002): I probably like this animated film more than I should but it is one of my favorite childhood movies. Not just a childish film but also a sentimental story that runs throughout. Troll 2 (1990): Okay, maybe I mentioned this just for the 'they're eating her' scene, that deserves an Oscar. Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981): Highly energetic, highly entertaining and a fantastic score to cap it off, best scene has to be the swordsman in what bears an uncanny resemblance with Star Wars. The Shining (1980): Here's Johnny! It is also a great horror film, coming from a man who is definitely not a horror film fan. Amazing acting and directing combine to create what is undoubtedly the best thriller of all time. Toy Story 3 (2010): I remember crying at what was a perfect ending that completed my childhood. Film also contains probably the best and most unexpected heel turn of all time as well. The Godfather (1972): Don't get me wrong I love this film. I just prefer others. I can see why people do rank it as the greatest film of all time due to its sheer brilliance but as a film I would personally prefer to sit through others.
#10 Apocalypse Now (1979)
I know, I prefer this over The Godfather, but I do believe this is Francis Ford Coppola's best work and I really don't think that any other director would have the tenacity to produce this film. It is also my favorite style of film, open ended, allowing you to draw your own conclusions. The beauty of this film that it takes no side to war, it presents you with the cold hearted facts and it is up to the viewer to decide which side to pick.
The film is one of those that really needs to be watched twice in order to really comprehend the plot. The ending is open to contemplation but the lack of one doesn't really hurt a film that doesn't really need one, it's power lies in the experience and imagery of war that can't really be seen in any other Vietnam based war flick. The film excels rather in the storytelling and creating an amazing and powerful war experience that really will make you question your own morale's.
Favorite Moment: Ride of the Valkyries plays during the helicopter assault Favorite Quote: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning". -Kilgore #9 Last Of The Mohicans (1992)
I don't usually like historical epics, they always seem to draw too much attention to the actual history behind the story and then subsequently forget about the actual plot. This film however is one of the exceptions, it really is a criminally underrated film that never got the recognition it fully deserves. It really shouldn't be a good film, the actors are definitely not what you'd call a solid cast and the setting is hardly anything special, but resulting is a film that leaves the historical accuracies in the background and actually creates a very enjoyable film with a fantastic ending that definitely doesn't disappoint.
It certainly is by no means a technical masterpiece, but it is a pleasant viewing experience with a thick line drawn between the good guys and the bad guys in a more traditional style. There is a romantic side story creeping in but I don't really pay much attention to that, especially when the visuals and sound are so well coordinated and the musical score, which is probably the best of any film ever and that really is saying something, especially with some of the music coming up. It is in short a great and enjoyable film that you can watch over and over again without getting bored.
Favorite Moment: Definitely the ending, with a fantastic score from Hans Zimmer. Favorite Quote: "Death and honor are thought to be the same, but today I have learned that sometimes they are not". - Colonel Munro
#8 Predator (1987)
Wow, this one has everyone. Schwarzenegger, Joseph Kony look alike Carl Weathers and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura and some fucking awesome extra terrestrial life, it's just a bucket full of testosterone, violence and sheer awesomeness. Sure there is no solid plot, but what do you expect from a film that looks like this, what this film does best is just being awesome. The constant thrills and occasional scares leave you on the edge of your seat throughout.
While this definitely isn't a technical masterpiece it is a full blooded action thriller with a ridiculously fast pace and very attractive special effects all coming together to produce one hell of a film. It's a film that seems to bypass logic and just like the Batman series, nobody seems to care.
Favorite Moment: Jesse Ventura's death scene Favorite Quote: "If it bleeds, we can kill it". - Dutch
#7 Full Metal Jacket (1987)
The best war film of all time, even if it does start to tire towards the end, however the first half of this film is probably the best start to any film ever. The drill instructor scenes are so brilliant and hilarious and never get any worse for repeat viewings. It is definitely the most striking of the two halves as the film does start to run out of steam towards the second half with just too many generic war scenes to really be as engaging as the first half.
I am a huge fan of Stanley Kubrick and this film shares a lot in common with his earlier anti war film Dr Strangelove including political irony and wit in its presentation of war. Kubrick is the master of atmosphere and this film really feels like you are with the marines every step of the way as you watch their descent into madness. To someone who has never been to war this seems as realistic as it is ever going to get.
Favorite Moment: The entirety of the first half during boot camp.
Favorite Quote: "5 foot 9, I didn't know they stacked shit that high".- Hartman
#6 Jurassic Park (1993)
Usually films that gross a lot don't really deserve it, take Avatar and Titanic as an example, but this film does. The film is the second highest grossing film of the 20th century but never really gets the artistic merit it deserves. Spielberg is the master of technology and, like we saw with Jaws, this film contains special effects and advanced technology that had never been seen on the big screen before with frighteningly realistic dinosaur animatronics and the widely use crisp visuals of CGI that had never really been used to this scale before. The audience truly does become as surprised as the characters the first time they see a dinosaur as they do look amazing.
The film also has a rather overlooked story that often lies forgotten between all the fancy dinosaurs, which is a shame as the story highlights the flaws with human kind and dangers of key issues like genetic modification and the sense of who the real antagonists of the film are, the dinosaurs or the humans. Sure the characters aren't that thrilling but they don't really hinder what is generally a great film to watch whether you're 7 or 70. Definitely the best dinosaur movie ever made, and dinosaurs are awesome.
Favorite Moment: How can it not be the toilet scene Favorite Quote: "T-Rex doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt". - Dr. Grant
#5 Aliens (1986)
Film sequels are usually never a good idea, they never really live up to the hype they generate and are usually a lot worse than their predecessor. Only a few films have ever really created a successful sequel and this is one of them. I hate James Cameron, no I really hate James Cameron as he made me sit through three and a quarter hours of crap for the most predictable climax of all time. This however is far from Titanic, this film is a perfect blend of horror, action and sci-fi creating suspenseful moments, adrenaline pumping scenes and a fantastic cast of characters.
Like Predator this film travels at 100 mph and never really stops with wave upon wave of alien attacks. What the series also does well is really ask the question 'who is really with us?' and there is always an unpredictable sense of whether the characters have been affected by the xenomorphs yet and this is supported by the appearance of a little girl who has survived on the alien planet. Oh and this movie has xenomorphs, case closed.
Favorite Moment: When you first see the alien queen, she is massive. Favorite Quote: "Get away from her you bitch". - Ripley
#4 Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The only film I have ever been to that got a standing ovation, and that is saying something. I love this film mainly due to the dark plot that is very rarely seen in any film yet alone a PG. I just love the fact that the plot from the fourth film has been taken and flipped on its head to produce what is, if anything, an emotional chapter in the Star Wars saga. The film also sets up the sixth film perfectly with almost a lack of an ending and a brilliant final shot which surely meant the final film of the trilogy would be brilliant, unless of course when it inevitably wasn't.
The film just contains so many memorable scenes that are iconic in modern cinema. From the incest to Darth Vader claiming Luke Skywalker was his son, which made me crap myself with excitement on first viewing, this film has it all. If the first film was Lucas showcasing his ability with technology then this film was Lucas showcasing his ability to convey a story creating one of the best sci-fi films of all time that blends a serious storyline and harmless fun in a perfect way. A movie that seemingly gets better with age.
Favorite Moment: Luke claims the armor of the AT-AT is too strong for blasters and then subsequently destroys one with his blasters a few minutes later. Favorite Quote: "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1".-C3P0
#3 Gladiator (2000)
The historical epic had been tortured at this point in time, capped off with the shitstorm that was Titanic, but this film reignited the spark that once shone brightly. The film is brilliant from start to finish with fantastic battle scenes, a touching story and gladiatorial scenes that ask you "Are you not entertained?". The battle scenes are definitely not for the faint hearted but really pay tribute to earlier swords and sandal style films such as Spartacus.
The story is simple yet very effective and is coupled with a beautiful score that really gives the film a emotional backdrop behind all the blood and gore of the gladiatorial scenes. Although the film does contain some brilliant acting it is Crowe that really carries this film with his sense of emotion and speeches that provide a memorable episode for a fantastic actor. It is one of the most exciting films of all time and does what many films fail to do, in feeling epic
Favorite Moment: When revealing himself to the emperor, absolutely epic speech. Favorite Quote: "What we do in life echoes in eternity". - Maximus
#2 Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
First of all that is quite simply the greatest poster for any film ever and would kick off what is without doubt the most iconic film series of all time. I personally prefer this installment to the fifth as this film has much better pacing and covers more key events in the Star Wars timeline, it might be a little predictable but the story is great and conveys the Rebel Alliance as a true underdog and makes the ending feel that much better. It truly is a plot that anyone can access and the special effects are used to perfection to create the illusion that you are actually there in a setting in which Lucas uses special effects and a dynamic cast to create a vast galaxy that just continually grows from episode to episode. It is just a simply brilliant film but lacks in depth which is why it isn't number one. Favorite Moment: The binary sunset scene still gives me goosebumps to this day. Favorite Quote: there are countless great quotes but my favorite is probably "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid". - Han Solo
#1 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
It really couldn't be anything else, this is cinematic perfection. The story is a simple concept but allows the film to delve into a deep and complex plot that relies more on the actual visuals and story itself rather than the actual characters, this film feels like an adventure rather than recent popularity shams in which items seemingly blow up for no reason, in this film everything is well thought out and executed to perfection. The film relies on minimalism to create a huge impact meaning simple scenes can be considered epic. It is amazing that with as little dialogue Kubrick can create extraordinary characters such as the computer HAL who is my personal favorite character that the genius of Kubrick manages to portray as the antagonist despite the fact that the character is a lifeless computer.
The plot tackles many key elements such as evolution, artificial intelligence, extra terrestrial life and the dangers of technology that climaxes in one of the most breathtaking sequences in the history of cinema, it really does need at least a third run through to truly comprehend what you have just seen, the plot and iconic score merge together in an almost seamless transition It is a film like no other in sense of depth, perspective or narrative, every sequence of this film is so cleverly thought out and presented in a revolutionary way.
The film is an example to the rest of Hollywood on how to couple all aspects of cinema together and how to perfectly pace a storyline. The film succeeds in what many modern films fail to do, in making you think as the ending requires you to analyze your own perception of the film and come to a conclusion. The film is without a doubt a sheer masterpiece that I don't think will ever be beaten.
Favorite Moment: There are many to choose from but the ending is just so brilliantly thought through and executed. Favorite Quote: "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that". -HAL 900
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