Crysis 2 Award For Worst Menu Music
This is a huge section in any video game, anyone who buys the game has to sit through this every time they start the game and so getting it right is imperative, but sometimes they don't as these entrants show. The nominees are as follows:
NHL 14: A game that usually gets it right but for some reason decided not to bother this year. The bands featured are usually household names but this year they forgot to ring any so we're left with obscure crap that's just annoying.
GTA V: This game takes a while to load and therefore needs good background music to keep you satisfied. GTA IV had a very apt theme and so it came as a disappointment when the GTA V theme was so bland. Frustrating.
But the winner by an absolute mile is:
FIFA 14
All the songs in this game can be defined into two categories which is either wub wub wub wub or mur mur mur mur which in English means shit and boring. There isn't a single song that stands out apart from the incredibly shit Get Down by Amplify Dot which may be in contention for worst song of the year. FIFA has a history of good menu music and so this year comes as a big disappointment.
Kinect Award For Biggest Waste Of An Idea
The history of gaming is littered with great ideas that just ended up being a massive let down. In this category we give the developers a pat on the back and say better luck next time, that's assuming there is a next time. The nominees are:
Assassins Creed IV: Abstergo used to be a scary corporation but now they make holidays.
Beyond: Two Souls: I liked Heavy Rain and so this one came as an insult, shallow and boring would be an understatement.
SimCity: MMOs are the future of gaming, just not in this way. Never has SimCity been considered a multiplayer game. The multiplayer is good, but mandatory, no thank you.
But the winner is:
Need For Speed Rivals
Damn, I liked Hot Pursuit an awful lot and so when I heard there was a reboot I was hyped, as after all that is a fantastic idea. The MMO style of the game has been toyed with before by racing games, such as the Test Drive series but it didn't work in this game, everything that did work was blatantly copied off Forza Horizon.
Piers Morgan Award For Most Annoying Noise
Some noises in gaming are amazing, from the pulse rifle in the Alien franchise to the sound effects on Pinball for the XP, great noises can create great games. But sometimes the sound becomes annoying, insufferable, much like Piers Morgan and this award is to celebrate that, if that's the right word to use. The nominees are:
Tomb Raider: Lara's endless crying and moaning got on my nerves, not really Tomb Raider is it.
The Xbox One Advert: That fucking advert that appears on YouTube with its shitty music, it's not even a good advert and it comes on EVERY time.
Call Of Duty Ghosts: The missions where the name Riley is said every two fucking seconds.
But the winner:
Battlefield 4
Those fucking alarms on Lancang Dam that spray out an annoying Chinese voice every three seconds over and over and over again, it has got to the stage where I refuse to play that map as even cutting the power out doesn't seem to shut her up. To be honest I would rather just drown than listen to her warning me that I'm going to drown.
Assassin's Creed 3 Award For Gaming's Biggest Dick
It seems now that all games must have dicks attached to them since the emperor of twats, Connor, from the annoyingly successful Assassin's Creed 3, especially Ubisoft who seem to have found a way to include and ruin every single one of their recent games with a massive twat, namely Jason Brody. The nominees are as follows:
Rockstar: We fucked up, please have a large sum of virtual money to forgive us that will inevitably be later than we first promised.
Any News Reporter: oh video games cause this, video games cause that. I've never actually played one but I'm sure they do, let's now discuss it with this very biased panel, yes that will prove my point.
EA: Lets go and screw up the release of every single one of our new titles and become the worst company to work for in America.
Me: seems I've been found out:
But the winner is:
Battlefield 4
Unfortunately it seems that the majority of the fanbase are assholes and post ignorant and annoying comments all over the internet about how there game is so much better than all the others. So well done people, this was your own making. For more on this subject please see this: http://christoforge.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/battlefield-vs-cod.html
McAfee Award For Most Annoying Feature
Pretty self explanatory really, the nominees are:
Candy Crush: What I am charged to play this game, thanks a fucking bunch microtransactions.
Angry Birds: Oh wait more fucking microtransactions, brilliant.
SimCity: Always online, but you're a city building game why would I possibly need to be online. You may as well call as all pirates so you can keep your feature.
Riley In COD Ghosts: Oh yeah that's definitely what Call Of Duty needs to revive itself, a fucking dog. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't mentioned every two seconds and becomes a pointless yet integral part of the campaign.
But the winner:
EA Origin
Stop trying to become Steam, why would I want another platform to play games on. At least Steam works, this thing just constantly updates and has to save your game files after each use which ruins your PC's performance, utterly hopeless. What was wrong with disc installs, then we don't get any of this crap.
The Where's Wally Award For Best Attention To Detail
I simply love games that draw details to the small things, a lot like these awards, and I feel it is never really recognized. Well now for once it is and has its own award. Here are the nominees:
Battlefield 4: Levolution is a great feature as are things blowing up, especially when it's everything.
Surgeon Simulator: Just small things like exposed needles, I like that.
GTA V: So many easter eggs, so many unanswered questions. People will still be finding new things in this game for years to come. The level of detail on the vast map is astonishing.
GeoGuessr: Come on, it sort of has the whole world as its map.
Tearway: Constructing things out of paper, taking photos of you to appear in the game, this game is crammed with great features that just make the overall experience of the game brilliant.
Democracy 3: Wow that's a big menu, so many buttons so little time, oh and they all integrate.
But the winner is:
Papers, Please
I was amazed at the level of detail that was included in such a basic game. It is one of the main reasons why I believe this was the game of the year.
The Final Fantasy Award For Worst Excuse For A New Game
Every year we get them and every year they get worse. Here are the nominees for the biggest money cons of the year.
Call Of Duty Ghosts: Still the same game isn't it, getting rather stale now.
WWE 2K14: New publisher but still the same old content that hasn't really changed for a few years now when it really needs too.
Minecraft: Oh whats that Microsoft you're putting Minecraft on the new generation of consoles to show off its technical capabilities. That's quite difficult on a game made of cubes.
Beyond Two Souls: Sorry is there supposed to be a video game element to this.
But the winner, again:
Battlefield 4
Battlefield 4 is essentially the result of Dice pressing control and v over their Battlefield 3 files as it is exactly the same, it even feels the same. They haven't bothered to change anything, and yet COD is supposed to be the repetitive title, at least they bothered to change the setting and basic mechanics where as Battlefield forgot that part.
The Top Gear Award For Most Manliest Game
Phwoar! these get the testosterone pumping:
GTA V: Punching hookers in the face and then running over innocent pedestrians in your tuned and modified muscle car, what could be more manly than that?
Call Of Duty: Yeah, still got guns and explosions and now with women. Phwoar!
Aliens Colonial Marines: Shooting the living hell out of aliens. Like zombies but better.
Tomb Raider: Listening to Lara Croft screaming whilst shooting a load of minorities, yes please.
But the winner, for the fourth time:
Battlefield 4
The trailer just reaks of testosterone, what could be more manly than this:
The Award For Best YouTuber
In a more serious award I give genuine credit to the Youtubers that made this year just so much more entertaining, so thank you guys, I know it takes a lot of time and effort. Here are the nominees:
Nerd 3: Hilarious videos and has helped me discover some brilliant titles. Not sure about the revamp though.
Machinima: Always reliable to produce some brilliant game content at a rate of about 20 videos a day.
Game Trailers: Their E3 coverage was brilliant and their other content is pretty good as well.
But the winner for this highly prestigious award:
Total Biscuit
A man with quite possibly the best voice in the world and some utterly hilarious reviews. Managing to review the technical aspects of the game without alienating his audience, his reviews are absolutely brilliant. The past year has been brilliant for him and his career goes from strength to strength after taking on a selfish video game developer and winning, great work.
The Well That Escalated Quickly Award
This is a rather small category as the games this year have been rather linear, so here is the only nominee:
Deadpool: Fuck me that last boss was hard, no real preparation for it so it came as a bit of a shock.
But the winner:
Surgeon Simulator
Now that you've failed miserably at all the other operations we will set the next level in zero gravity. Oh brilliant, I can barely manage it with gravity, now I just get stabbed by my own needle and start hallucinating.
The Christoforge Golden Erection Award
Well every teenage boy needs something to masturbate over, even if it is a virtual character:
GTA V: Hookers and scantily clad women. Oh its a feminists nightmare but brilliant for misogynists, like myself.
Saints Row IV: If you thought GTA was sexual then you haven't seen this game. The eye candy don't look as realistic as GTA and therefore loose some points from my penis.
Tomb Raider: Lara Croft with limited clothing and screaming, this is most men's idea of heaven.
But the winner:
WWE 2K14
I'm sorry but my penis is a sucker for divas, to the miserable groan of my bedroom that must be drowning in semen after each session.
The Stanley Kubrick Award For Intelligent Plot
Celebrating the brilliance of Stanley Kubrick, this category is for a clever plot that is unpredictable from start to finish with a brilliant climax. The nominees are:
Papers Please: The only game that can make you corrupt so gradually that you won't even notice, forcing you into moral and ethical dilemmas to make you question your own morals.
The Last Of Us: Fantastic story from start to finish even if the characters actions are a little controversial. Just like Kubrick.
But there could only be one winner in this highly contested round:
The Stanley Parable
In the classic style of Kubrick, this game makes a great plot out of something very minimal. When you think you can predict what happens next it throws a spanner in the works and punishes you for outwitting it. Intelligence down to the very last detail.
Michael Bay Award For Story That Thinks It's Being Clever But Ultimately Fails
Every year storylines in games treat the player like an absolute moron, sometimes it just gets insulting like in these entries:
Bioshock Infinite: The ending makes absolutely no sense, alienating the majority of players and ultimately falling flat.
GTA V: You really thought the ending was unpredictable, it was one of gaming's least shocking moments of all time.
Assassin's Creed IV: Thinks it is being clever by making the player work on a pirate game in Montreal. Wow, that's too good to be true.
But the winner:
Beyond: Two Souls
We're going to allow you to make decisions that will directly affect the story unless of course we make a game that has a very linear story and your decisions don't make the slightest bit of difference.
British Empire Award For Biggest Lie
The final award goes to the game that was hyped up to be something that it certainly never was and I can't help but feel a little betrayed by the developers, after all it was what they promised us. The nominees are:
Xbox One: We're going to implement all these controversial new features that are going to divide gamers but ultimately abandon them when there is a negative backlash. Microsoft, there is always going to be a negative reaction to new revolutionary features so you could've just stuck to them, now you look like a tit.
The Fighter Within: Realistic fighter with working motion controls. Bullshit.
COD Ghosts: Revolutionary. Still feels like almost the same game to me.
But the winner:
GTA V
For GTA Online we are going to include a working stock market, heists and loads more features, and the multiplayer will definitely work. Of course it didn't and I am still waiting for these features that were promised at launch but Rockstar still haven't even bothered with 4 months later. To be honest they've made very little changes. So come on Rockstar, more features in GTA Online or a new Red Dead Redemption. I have Spoken.
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