It certainly isn't a bad film, the acting on display is good, the special effects are nice, there is an exciting plethora of characters and Nolan directs a solid film that overall is an enjoyable experience that I would happily watch again. I would personally give it 2 and a half stars and the reason that might seem quite low is because of the massive elephant sitting in the corner, the plot. I'm now going to attempt to describe how unbelievably floored the storyline is. So yes there is going to be spoilers.
The film begins with the CIA letting unknown terrorists on their plane without any checks what so ever, for all they know the men could be the well known terrorist Bane, but they don't need to check that. I mean it's not as if the plane is carrying valuable cargo that becomes central to the plot later is it, no. Bane being a master tactician knows that when the CIA are transporting high value criminals they turn off all radar systems as then his Hercules C130J, which he would of had to steal off a military air force first, turns up without being recognized. Even if the radar wasn't working they could of just looked out a fucking window, the thing has a wingspan of 40m.
Batman is then shown being given an artificial knee brace that has a rather hard hitting impact on a piece of rock. This piece of kit will almost certainly make Batman unstoppable if he remembers to ever use it again, which he doesn't, it is never mentioned again and would of made his job a hell of a lot easier as there are definitely some moments where it could come in useful, after all there maybe some terrorist working in Gotham City for about the 50th week running. Speaking of Bane his next masterful and flawed step is currently underway.
Bane's next step is to ruin Batman's superpower, his money, which when you think about it is rather a shit superpower, it's not as if it ever comes in useful, apart from that long lost knee brace. May as well have spent the money on a Rolls Royce, at least he might use that. Bane's men enter the stock exchange and then escape on dirt bikes that appear from nowhere. Now, dirt bikes are quite difficult to obtain from the center of New Yor-I mean Gotham and then there is the problem of storing them without anyone noticing, how big is the stock exchange broom cupboard, doubt there's enough room for 20 dirt bikes. But these are special dirt bikes, yes these dirt bikes can alter the Earth's spin. At least they appear to as the chase starts in broad daylight and ends up pitch balck after a trip through a tunnel. Continuity.
Batman tries to make a comeback but his knee brace isn't working yet and so is forced to escape on the loudest and largest thing ever invented, but people still don't notice it. Now let's play the game of where's the Batcopter in the next picture:
Batman then inevitably tries to fight Bane and shows us what a brilliant superpower money is as he's destroyed. Probably because Batman forgets all about that bloody leg brace and tries to punch Bane. I have no sympathy for a person with that amount of stupidity. Instead of killing Batman and being sensible Bane decides to cart Batman off to the PRISON OF DOOM in an oilfield somewhere the other side of the world. There is zero chance of escape for Batman unless he scales a climbing tower that Bane must have borrowed from the local funfair which I'm sure a seven year old child could climb, hopefully with an entertaining voiceover from Richard Hammond. It's not a very good prison if the cellmates are free to get out and oh, what a fucking surprise, Batman does. But not before Bane has traveled halfway around the world to taunt Batman and then leave and install cable TV in English which means Bane's henchman would have to dig out the surrounding landscape to fit a cable down it, which then Batman subsequently destroys in a hissy fit. I'm wondering who the bad guy is. Batman gets bed and breakfast accommodation with cable TV and his own personal chiropractor and then goes and destroys it all. Bastard. Here's an interesting diagram showing how difficult it is to receive cable TV:
Fascinating. Of course with Batman gone it is left to the world's shittest police force to stop Bane and would you believe it they manage to outdo their own shittiness, by sending EVERY cop into the sewers. You know maybe you might want to keep one back for Mrs. Smith's handbag that might get stolen, but oh no EVERYONE. Of course it inevitably goes wrong and the police are trapped by a wall of cars which makes the rock climbing at the prison of doom look like Mount Everest, but being useless they can't figure it out. I don't blame Bane for trying to overthrow the government, Gotham would probably be safer during a time of civil unrest than when the world's shittest police force are running the show. Maybe that's why the people believe that a few words written by Bane are the words of Commissioner Gordon as their sick of the rubbish policing job lately, either that or the Daily Mail must sell very well in Gotham.
But Bane being the kind man that he is decides to let the police live (huh) so he can waste valuable food resources on feeding them and even gives them razors and shaving cream so they don't look untidy, seriously though nobody has any facial hair. Either the Gotham police force are all women (which would explain the lack of direction) or are required to carry emergency shaving kits in case they get stuck in a tunnel by a crime lord, which probably happens quite often knowing their record. The US army at this point has done absolutely nothing, probably because there isn't any oil in Gotham, and they're scared of terrorists.
But it's okay as Batman TELEPORTS back into Gotham. I mean he must have done or he would have to have climbed out the prison of doom in the middle of nowhere and managed to find his way back to Gotham with no money or passport and find another Batman suite in the process. What are the chances. Not that Gotham would have any transport links anyway as it has been cordoned off by the US army. It seems they're shittier than the GCPD. HOW DID BANE LOSE. Oh, Batman, who at this point returns on the frozen river which people are seen falling through with limited clothing on but Batman can walk perfectly fine on the same area of ice in his much heavier suite. PHYSICS. He also uses a tranquilizer gun to disable Bane's men. Very useful, especially at any other point in this film. Who needs hydraulic leg braces when you've got tranquilizers. Batman then reveals his fire sculpture that looks very pretty but this probably isn't the time to be making fire sculptures that take a long time to build. Below is a clip from the Fire Sculpture World Championships (yes, there is such a thing), from Estonia, that shows how difficult it is to make a fire sculpture.
Of course it all ends happily, predictably, as Batman destroys Bane's plan to blow Gotham to pieces (makes sense. Conquer first and then blow it up, could've just blown it up) with his nuclear bomb that he destroys just in the nick of time, because some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. (hmm, that sculpture better have been worth it) The bomb detonates and everybody cheers. As they go into a nuclear winter. What a happy ending.
What a fucking mess.
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