Music Review: Dark Horse

Katy Perry - Dark Horse

This is a song I've meant to review for a long time now but keep forgetting too, which I probably shouldn't as it has been probably the biggest musical release of the year so far. Now as a sensible human being I would expect the song Dark Horse to be attributed to the popular saying that means somebody unexpectedly wins because little is known about them before hand. However, according to Katy Perry, who isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, it is about a witch warning a man not to fall in love with her, not sure why you would do that but still, nothing to do with being a dark horse. Apparently the inspiration for the song came from a 1996 film called The Craft, which looks just as bad as its name, and so the subject of the song probably isn't great. Katy Perry also enlisted the help of rapper Juicy J, who I can't take seriously because he sounds like a soft drink for kids, she did this because she wanted the sounds of pop music and hip hop to juxtapose each other, which they don't really, in fact they're very commonly used together. To be fair to Juicy though he did work with Katy for probably my favorite reason ever, her "very professional" work ethic. Because flashing your tits at every available opportunity, kissing girls and singing about genitalia is a very professional work ethic.

Now it seems to me that this song is one that relies on looks rather than quality to succeed, hence the lavish art on the cover, which I will admit looks very nice, it also has a very complex video, which I assume is there to distract morons from the fact that this song might be quite bad. The video is set in Memphis, Egypt, which coincidentally is where Juicy J is from, except he's from the American city, wow just stop it. I think this video thinks it's a lot cleverer than it actually is, in fact the video has a whiff of Prince of Persia about it. This would be fine if they actually bothered to stick to theme and not bring out a tray of fucking twinkies, although to be fair twinkies are delicious, but famously not from Ancient Egypt. This is something which so called Egyptologists missed as they praised it for its portrayal of Egyptian culture. In fact Professor of Egyptology for the University of Chicago Robert K. Ritner said "Whoever put this together actually knew something about the myth of Cleopatra". Yes, the famous myth that Cleopatra loved American snack foods and had them imported from 2000 years in the future.

Unfortunately I have to admit that the hip hop, synthpop combination soundtrack is actually not that bad, it really does sound alright, definitely different from the more generic Katy we're use to seeing, dare I say original. I also like the fact that there isn't a proper chorus to this song, it just simply doesn't need one, the well paced lyrics and sound are a pleasant surprise and amazingly Katy's voice actually seems suited to this genre which carries the song along nicely. This is of course until we get to the rap portion, I mean Juicy J is not needed as he adds absolutely nothing to the song, he raps about meaningless bullshit and ruins any sort of pacing or momentum the song previously had, and to be fair it wasn't going to badly. I just don't get why modern artists seem to team up together, I can understand maybe for a duet but Juicy J's performance in this is a joke. There is also another huge problem, and these are the lyrics, let's take a look:

We begin of course with the traditional pre-song shoutout, which I have previously slated, but for the record I know who's in the song I'm listening to, you don't have to tell me again. God imagine if the So Solid Crew did a shoutout before their songs.

I knew you were
You were gonna come to me

There we go the song has become pointless in two lines, that must be a new record. If Katy Perry knew he was going to come to her then that doesn't make anyone a dark horse, remember that's an unexpected victor. I genuinely can't believe these lyrics, did nobody think this through. Thanks to this the rest of the song could be gibberish and the song would still carry the same message, oh dear.

And here you are
But you better choose carefully
'Cause I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything

Well it seems my input in this is now as pointless as the actual song, but I do have a feeling this is turning into another song about the various boyfriend trouble Katy has been having recently and it's going to be a breakup story from a stereotypical feminist point of view. I do like the idea of Katy being capable of anything, although I bet her tone will change after hearing my twisted fantasies.

  Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy

Oh and here's another continuity error, as if it needed to get any worse. Aphrodite is the Greek god of love, that's the Greek god, not the Egyptian. I would be okay if it was Venus, who is the Roman equivalent, but Greek religion never had any influence on ancient Egypt and so this is another pointless line from a completely pointless song. Although Aphrodite does end up marrying Hephaestus, who was extremely ugly, so there's hope for me yet.

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know whatcha falling for
Baby do you dare to do this
'Cause I’m coming atcha like a dark horse

You're not a dark horse though are you, you've just said so literally a minute ago, so actually I might be falling for a bit of a hypocrite, and since when have you considered yourself a dark horse, have you been on a thing called the internet, it's just full of fat sweaty men and hormonal teenagers dribbling all over you, me included.

Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, a perfect storm
'Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back

Wow, I guess divorce papers are out of the question, unless maybe you're in a relationship with Steven Hawking then I would understand. I still don't understand the video either because she doesn't even give these men a chance, she just destroys them like the temperamental bitch she is.

Mark my words
This love will make you levitate
Like a bird
Like a bird without a cage
But down to earth
If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away

Since when have birds levitated, I believe it's most commonly referred to as flying. I'm also pretty sure there are 5 million references to Russel Brand in here as well, but I really couldn't care less about him, he just annoys me, although splitting up with Katy Perry did him quite a few favors.

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby
It’s a yes or no, no maybe
So just be sure before you give it up to me
Up to me, give it up to me 

This pretty much just mirrors the first verse which means this song hasn't progressed at all, just repeating the same points over and over again. But it's okay because here's Juicy J to shed some light on the situation.

She’s a beast
I call her Karma
She eat your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer
Be careful
Try not to lead her on
Shawty’s heart was on steroids
'Cause her love was so strong 

Oh no wait he adds absolutely nothing to the song. Jeffrey Dahmer, or the Milwaukee Monster as he is more commonly known, is a completely unnecessary reference, and possibly a touch distasteful seeing as he murdered 17 boys, had sex with them and then preserved their body parts in a tank of acid where he would occasionally eat them, couple this with the fact that he's not Egyptian and you have a brilliant reference. This segment just generally has no meaning at all, it just seems to be random lines that emphasize what we already know. Thanks Juicy J, you really deserved that number one.

  You may fall in love
When you meet her
If you get the chance you better keep her
She swears by it but if you break her heart
She turn cold as a freezer
That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
She can be my Sleeping Beauty
I’m gon’ put her in a coma

Cold as a freezer, if only the ancient Egyptians knew about those, to be fair that's probably why they haven't got the message yet, because they don't understand any of the metaphors, and this must be continuity error number 546. I also think he's got the charming story of Sleeping Beauty mixed up with being a misogynist as the knight in shining armor took Sleeping Beauty out of her coma, and has he not listened to a word he literally just said, stop trying to fall in love with her.

Woo! Damn I think I love her
Shawty so bad
I’m sprung and I don’t care
She got me like a roller coaster
Turn the bedroom into a fair
Her love is like a drug
I was tryna hit it and quit it
But lil’ mama so dope
I messed around and got addicted 

Again, the ancient Egyptians don't know what a roller coaster is, fuck sake what's the point in trying. The lyrics to this song don't make any sense and are rendered utterly pointless by the first freaking line, the references are terrible and there appears to be zero thought put into it as well, if you're going to put a theme throughout the song then you bloody well stick to it. Not that a theme did this song much good, the lyrics are so generic and basic that you could attach this to anything and it would still make perfect sense.

Marc Hogan of spin.com said:

"The lyrics are every bit the cliché salad of her October 18 album Prism's previous single "Roar" — "So you wanna play with magic? ... Are you ready for a perfect storm?" — but as with that song, it's an obvious hit, with the soaring hooks and sleekly sculpted production to rattle trunks just about anywhere".

At least I'm not the only one to spot the pointless and flawed lyrics, although to be fair I do think they're better than Roar, Roar was just terrible. However, as he quite rightly points out it is a well produced and very catchy song.

B.J Warner commented on Amazon:

"This is my favourite ( and in my opinion best ) Katy Perry track. The video has an Egyptian theme which suits it well as the track itself has a different " other wordly" feel. Obviously a great tune, great lyrics and a powerful hook. As the song says. " do you want to play with magic?" and "I am coming to get you - like a dark horse" 

Well it definitely isn't the worst Katy Perry track, so I guess you could say it is one of her best, not that that is very difficult, I'm pretty sure The Macarena has more meaning than the majority of Katy Perry songs. I've already explained why the Egyptian theme doesn't work, something to do with a small issue over continuity. I don't know how Egyptian theme is an other worldly feel, maybe it's based on the ancient Egyptian civilization that inhabited The Moon, and of course the lyrics are definitely not great and she's not a dark horse in any way.

In conclusion I feel a little bit let down by this song, for once a Katy Perry song wasn't bland and was paced quite nicely, it actually sounded original. But unfortunately no thought was put into anything else and so we get pointless and flawed lyrics and a theme that doesn't fit. Juicy J's contribution is very limited and he adds absolutely nothing, not that it would matter to a song that was doomed to begin with.

Final Score: 3/10    *1/2