Top 10 Worst Films of 2013

Worst Films of 2013

Well I guess it's better late than never, and since I haven't really had any spare time recently I struggle to keep up to date with the latest releases in films, but despite this I believe I have come up with a list of 10 terrible films from the previous year, in what to be honest was a pretty boring year for the big screen. Here are some dishonorable mentions:

Sharknado: I couldn't put this on my list. Don't get me wrong it's terrible, but that's what makes it brilliant, watch this if you want a good laugh.
Man of Steel: I don't like Superman and this movie is just the same generic superhero bollocks recycled for your entertainment, or cash probably.
The Internship: More a 2 hour commercial for Google but there are a few genuine laughs in there, so it avoids my list.
Iron Man XXX: Can't say I didn't enjoy it, although to be honest it made me laugh more with its terrible plot and rubbish excuse for a film.

#10 A Good Day to Die Hard

Oh good it's everything I hate in action films, things blowing up for no reason and a terrible story, it even has the cheek to try and take itself seriously. Nobody ever learns that it isn't a good idea to demote the main character to assistant, especially when it's his son that's taking over the main role, isn't that right Indiana Jones. This is evident throughout the whole film as Bruce Willis is demoted to annoying retro one liner guy that seems to be there for the novelty and nothing else.

To be honest I've never been a fan of Die Hard, but even I was disappointed by this, I would at like a little back story in this film, but I'm just expected to care about an undeveloped character and a premise that hasn't been explained to me in any way, it's just let's go to Russia and blow some shit up. It looks like it has Michael Bay written all over it, CGI and slow mo everywhere and completely forgettable villains that seem to care as much as me about the film. Overall this film is just really boring, everything blowing up every two seconds just gets so monotonous and tedious very quickly.

#9 Spring Breakers

I will give Spring Breakers one thing, it looks fantastic, but that's sort of it. This film can really be summed up in three words, guns, dubstep and tits, which in this case proves a bad combination. The premise behind the film is incredibly boring and tedious, and to be honest I just couldn't care, why would I want to pay money to watch other people clubbing, it makes no sense. But it's not just clubbing, we have gangsters as well, although terribly portrayed gangsters who never seem genuine and don't exactly improve on a very mundane storyline. The pacing is also poor, the majority of the film is just some girls lounging around and not doing anything remotely interesting, which is a stark contrast to the terrible action sequences near the end that feel very anticlimactic, especially when considering the lengthy buildup.

The thing I really don't understand about what is essentially a gangster film is the fact that it contains very little action and seems to treat serious issues as a joke. This is probably the thing I hate about this film the most, it really can't decide what it is and the concept of genre seems to have been completely thrown out the window. I don't know if there was a serious message carried in this film, but if there was it was very badly done.

#8 The Lone Ranger

This one suffers the same faults as number ten. It has a terrible script with painfully bad one liners, a dependance on flashy effects that are just there to look nice and aid the plot in absolutely no way, and a terrible plot that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual Lone Ranger. In all honesty if you had told me this was the new Pirates of The Caribbean then I would believe you, but people just don't care as long as Johnny Depp is in it. The film also pays little attention to accuracy, probably because the majority of its fanbase don't care and also because this is a pathetic attempt to create a load of cash, which it didn't thanks to ridiculous costs and a hefty run time that is primarily caused by endless faffing around.

Again this is another example of a film not sticking to its genre, one minute it tries to be serious, the next it tries to add in a little joke and in the end all I get from the film is a scrambled message which has nothing to do with the actual plot and a boring storyline that goes on for hours. Overall I can't help but feel that this was a missed opportunity, there were some powerful and well directed scenes that could of made this a classic western, a western that sticks to a powerful story and challenges morals and ethics, but no it's another way for Disney and Johnny Depp to sell out again.

#7 The Hangover Part 3

Wow, because we definitely needed a third one. It seems a long time ago now that I could confidently say I was a fan of The Hangover series, and I was, the first installment was a groundbreaking comedy that provided a good set of laughs, the second was disappointing but still contained some genuinely funny moments, but then we get to the third, pointless edition that even Barrack Obama has criticized. Not only would I not class this as a film in the Hangover series but I wouldn't class this as a comedy film. The number of scenes that are genuinely funny are very little and the plot takes on a strange dark premise that offers zero laughs, I mean I always though the second was just a cash strapped rip off but that has nothing on this.

I do think part of the problem is the switch to a more mature audience which hasn't exactly worked, the jokes are now borderline offensive and where there was a more suggestive undertone to the prequels there isn't in this, it just willingly shows the audience a Giraffe being beheaded. In fact for the majority of the film it feels more like an action film than an actual comedy, and not a good action film either. Why did they even bother, oh yes to make a ton of money off of morons, and unfortunately that worked. 

#6 The Smurfs 2

I suppose it doesn't help that I've never been a fan of The Smurfs, they're just annoying blue things that use the word smurf far too many times. But maybe that's just me, maybe small children love this film, I think that's who it caters for with terrible jokes and a reliance on poorly executed slapstick comedy, but it still doesn't make it a goof film. Basically everything that could possibly go wrong with an animated film has done so here. The storyline is terrible and not remotely interesting or humorous, the characters are the usual range of dullness and the pacing is so poor that it makes the film an effort to watch. I don't get it, but then maybe that's because I'm not six anymore

#5 The Host

I can't exactly say my expectations were very high for this, I mean it's from the author of twilight, who has the writing talent of Katy Perry and so the plot will surely be horrendous, and it was to be honest. The storyline involves some stupid parasitic aliens that take control over another species, I know absolutely fascinating stuff, but there was some genuine potential for a good story to be told out of them, but there never was. The actual hosts are never really explained at all which makes the plot incredibly boring and almost pointless. The other dreadful thing about this film is the dialogue, which is laughably bad and isn't helped by the fact that the actors appear to be portraying cardboard cutouts of their characters who are just the usual bunch of Twilight based soppy romantics.

The reason I probably hate this so much is that it feels like a Twilight film, and that really isn't good, especially the crappy teen romance part that not only makes me want to throw up but also ram my head into a bacon slicer, it really is that cringeworthy and unoriginal, still better than Twilight. 

#4 Grown Ups 2

How do you take some funny people, a good prequel and ruin it, with Grown Ups 2 of course. I thought the first film was quite funny, sure it was nowhere near the best comedy I'd ever seen but it did have some laugh out loud moments, this doesn't, I mean the critics hated the first one but this took home countless worst movie of the year awards, which I think is a bit harsh hence why it is only number 4 on my list, but don't get me wrong, it's terrible. Again there are certainly funny moments to this film, but they are definitely few and far between and the majority of gags miss the mark like a stormtrooper. It's fair to say you spend the majority of the viewing rolling your eyes rather than actually laughing.

If anything I'm more annoyed about this film rather than disappointed, I mean I sort of expected it was going to be terrible after watching the prequel, but with the star talent that is on display I expected a barrel of laughs and at least a half decent film. This film however has virtually no plot, no seriously it's just some grown men cocking around, and it ends up playing like an amateur production of Saturday Night Live, seriously though Chris Rock is one of my favorite comedians and so to see him stoop to these lows is downright insulting. Just a pathetic effort from a pathetic excuse of a film.  

#3 Battle of The Year

Hooray it's my favorite movie genre of all time, the random dancing to a storyline that has a total number of good films at zero. All you need to know about this version, as they're all practically the same thing, is that Chris Brown stars in it, oh good, although I did think his battle of the year was against Rihanna, in any case his inclusion looks very promising, ha. This dance film of course has a very stupid and pointless plot attached to it that involves finding an American dream team, because 'murica. In the end they hilariously loose to the birthplace of urban dancing, South Korea, in an epic battle of Rocky proportions, but loose by just the one point cliche.

Not really much else to say about this, it's just another crappy dance film with terrible dancing, storyline and music. No wonder it flopped.

#2 One Direction: This Is Us

This actually featured on my top 10 worst films of all time, that was before I discovered something even worse, but to be fair to these annoying twats they haven't been that unbearable this year, their music is still shit and the height of laziness but at least they're not behaving like another annoying twat whose been hitting the headlines all year. Although when I say they haven't been unbearable I mean they weren't until I saw this pile of shit. I have seen many concert films in my time and not one of them felt as artificial or commercialised as this.

Basically all the film consists of is them pratting around and claiming they're a serious boy band that don't conform to the stereotypes. This is of course bollocks and that is something only mindless morons will believe, or as those mindless morons are usually called, directioners. If you want to see why I hate this so much then I suggest you read my worst films of all time list, but for now all I will say is thanks a fucking bunch Simon Cowell.

#1 After Earth

This film is just wrong on every single level. I'll start by moaning about the utterly hopeless and unoriginal plot that seems to be a cross between Planet of The Apes and any generic Sci-fi action flick that has to be repeatedly explained to you every step of the way. The creative budget on this film was spent on an alien species that smell you through pheromones, so they literally smell your fear, ha great joke their. This means of course you need to be emotionless to become the perfect hunter, something that Jaden Smith takes up very well indeed, even if he wasn't supposed to.

Jaden Smith is quite possibly one of my least favorite people in the world, all his fame comes from the fact he has a celebrity dad, and so I don't appreciate Will Smith trying to shove him in people's faces trying to get them to like him, because the truth is that he's a talentless twat. You know I wouldn't mind it if he did it once and realised his mistake, but no, we have Pursuit of Happiness which I personally didn't like, and then his even less talented daughter releases one of the worst songs ever made. Jaden Smith is just awful in this film, he takes to the role like a fish out of water and has the acting skills of a shed, all this from the main bloody character. He's meant to play the role of an innocent kid, but of course he comes across as a spoiled, talentless twat.

The whole thing plays out quite like a badly written video game, it's like a really boring level of Donkey Kong, except let's face it Donkey Kong can act better. The film shoots itself in the foot before it even finishes because of an unimaginative and dull premise that encourages terrible acting so all we get in the end is a film that has to hold your hand through what is a very dull and unoriginal plot, as a fan of the Sci-fi genre I am deeply offended by this piece of garbage.