Music Review: #Selfie

The Chainsmokers - #Selfie

Usually in these reviews I like to reserve my judgment for a later stage, but I don't think there's any point with this. This thing is quite simply an abomination, the fact that this gained popularity enrages me and if this is the future of music then I might as well pull the trigger this very second. This, well it isn't even a song is it, thing was composed in the fiery bowels of hell or as it is more commonly known American DJ duo The Chainsmokers, who I can only hope live up to their name and die a very painful death in the near future whilst I run over them with a steamroller. This thing is everything I hate about the current music scene, a hashtag in front of the title and a blatant cash in on a current trend that will make for a truly terrible song. The video is the predictable crap with a pointless cameo for David Hasselhoff. I mean I always thought The Hoff was a bit mental, especially when he started talking to his own car, but what possessed him to appear in this is beyond me, the song has nothing to do with him and his appearance is completely pointless.

I would like to review the actual song at this point, but there just isn't one, don't get me wrong I appreciate a well made dance track but this is just dreadful, it's just a generic beat with a few annoying noises thrown in. The only vocals come from some annoying bitch just peaking over the top of the generic soundtrack with annoying and painful lines that make me think Adolf Hitler was a good man. The song deals with cutting edge topics such as relationships and presents them in a very intriguing way, and when I say intriguing I mean utter shite, rarely do you see words presented in such a terrible fashion. Although it annoys me I can't criticise too much as this song was never meant to be taken seriously and it is just there for commercial success, but that still doesn't excuse the diabolical presentation. I do also think the song solely exists to satirise girls that do this, but it's done in such a terrible manner that I really can't tell, surely this can't have a serious message in it. Ah hell let's look at the words:

When James was at the table
I kept on seeing him look at me while he was with that other girl
Do you think he was just doing that to make me jealous?
Because he was totally texting me all night last night
And I don't know if it's a booty call or not

Ah yes I recognise this, this is one of the great works of Shakespeare, the James they're referring to is James Gascoyne-Cecil, 4th Marquess of Salisbury, although that maybe only my interpretation of the song and it may just be generic douchebag #412. My other interpretation is that this is a load of bollocks, to be honest it probably is the second explanation.

So, what, what do you think?
Did, did you think that girl was pretty?
How did that girl even get in here?
Do you see her?

Oh now she's developed a stutter, brilliant, she can't even fucking talk yet alone sing. This is quite frankly the most pathetic use of a rhetorical question I have ever seen, just take your fucking selfie and fuck off.

She is so short and that dress is so tacky
Who wears cheetah?
It's not even summer
Why does the DJ keep on playing "Summertime Sadness"?
After we go to the bathroom, can we go smoke a cigarette?
I really need one

Interesting, I've never been to a club that has seasons, this must be a new thing, I mean in my funny little world I thought it was the same temperature in a club all year round, but maybe that's just me. Summertime Sadness is a Lana Del Ray song that I might decide to give a review in the near future, but as long as the DJ doesn't play this then he's in my good books. Wait, what's this, she's smoking tobacco, oh we are dealing with serious themes here, go on do it inside you little rebel, that will tell Margaret Thatcher.

But first, let me take a selfie

No, fuck off.

Can you guys help me pick a filter?
I don't know if I should go XXpro or Valencia
I want to look tan
What should my caption be?
I want it to be clever
How about "Living with my bitches, #live"?
I only got ten likes in the last five minutes
Do you think I should take it down?
Let me take another selfie

This song can't be real, but it's presented in a serious manner, I don't know whether to laugh or cry or hold my head in my hands, just why?

Selfie, selfie
Let me take a selfie  

No. Fuck off.

Wait, pause
Jason just liked my selfie
What a creep
Is that guy sleeping over there?

 Seriously, who cares?

Yeah, the one next to the girl with no shoes on
That's so ratchet
That girl is such a fake model
She definitely bought all her Instagram followers
Who goes out on Mondays?

Wait, how do you know this person has Instagram? You've just spotted her and instantly know everything about her, Jesus Christ I never claimed this song was well written, but they could of at least put some effort into it.

Okay, let's go take some shots
Oh no, I feel like I'm gonna throw up
Oh wait, nevermind, I'm fine, let's go dance
There's no vodka at this table
Do you know anyone else here?
Oh my god, Jason just texted me
Should I go home with him?
I guess I took a good selfie
Selfie 

Here's an idea, why don't you stop asking stupid and pointless questions, take your fucking pathetic cry for attention in the form of a picture and just fuck off so I don't have to hear your annoying voice anymore. The lyrics just sum up the song in a a nutshell. Incredibly annoying and absolutely terrible in every single way.

For once the critics actually agree with me, the Chicago Reader said:

"The song itself is garbage, paint-by-numbers EDM with all the artistic flavor of an audio software preset that makes "Harlem Shake" sound like Selected Ambient Works Volume II".

Couldn't of put it better myself.

Someone named Charlie actually enjoyed it and his review on Amazon stated:

"Yea great track, quite amusing really and a great beat! Love the fact that Amazon are truly competing with itunes now and I don't have to change file from mp4 to mp3. Bosch!"

Well if this is people's idea of comedy gold then we may as well just all kill ourselves now, this song is in no way amusing, just very irritating. The beat is very generic and too becomes incredibly annoying, but then what would you expect from a person who finds it fascinating what format the bloody download comes in.

Overall this might be one of the worst things I have ever heard in my life, it's up their with Piers Morgan's Life Stories. How people are referring to this as an actual sophisticated song is beyond me, as it's just a few annoying sound effects mangled together in a very dull way. If this is the future of music then humanity is completely screwed, especially if they can't tell this is a terrible cash in.

Final Score: -18662/10 

To regain the faith I have left in humanity here is a brilliantly composed song on the very serious message of euthanasia, see if you can hear the difference and appreciate good music.